February 4, 2007 8:12 PM
Q & A: What about Mommy Time?
Hi Barbara,I read a lot of "mommy blogs" and appreciate your encouragement. I sometimes feel confused because some blogs I read encourage moms to have time to themselves (i.e. manicures, girls nights out, etc.) but it seems like when I do things like that I come back not feeling refreshed but instead thinking how nice time to myself was and I have a hard time getting back into mothering. I feel very selfish. Sometimes it seems like if I don't have mommy time I don't get a taste of "freedom" and am able to mother better. I do crave alone time sometimes. What do you think about that?
Thanks again for your blog. Keep it up!Take Care.
Lisa
Dear Lisa -
This has been in my Inbox for a long time. I'm sorry, because this is a really good question that I think a lot of other moms will want to weigh in on.
Right now while my kids are all in school during the day, I do get a lot of Mommy Time. But there were many, many years before when I didn't. I was homeschooling and my entire life revolved around my kids. And I was fine with that.
Of course, I'd spent a lot of years before that living just for me - a pretty self-centered life. In a way it was actually a refreshing change to live for other people than myself. Since I was a new Christian then, I enjoyed the opportunity and challenge to set aside my own "stuff" and do something for God instead.
When I'd teach at homeschool conferences and people would ask about Mommy Time, I'd point out that women in other cultures and at other times historically have not had the luxury of Mommy Time. The time when your children are young and need you is really just a season in your life and there will be plenty of time when your children are grown for Mommy Time.
That said, I just want to emphasize that God did not make us from cookie-cutters. Each of us has a different history and a different set of circumstances. Some of us - like me - who had some early selfish years need to learn to live for others. But I can understand that some who've always lived for others may need more balance in their lives too.
The important thing is to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit. If you need Mommy Time, it shouldn't be the result of seeking your rights. The "this is my right" mentality is ugly - and I think a lot of women don't understand how difficult and unfulfilling their husbands' lives are. Most men I know don't assert their right for Daddy Time.
If you come back from Mommy Time feeling more selfish than ever, maybe it's not such a good idea right now. Or maybe you can just pray before you go that God would use your Mommy Time to help you feel refreshed and more ready to mother - then pray when you get home.
Or instead of choosing a manicure, get involved in a Bible study or MOPS - where you'll have Mommy Time that's built on spiritual refreshment.
I'd love to hear from readers how you feel about this issue.
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Comments
Mothering is an awesome opportunity to serve and pour a life out in love for another person (or more). Just like Jesus, moms have (little) disciples trailing behind them, and every so often we too will sigh and wonder why these little ones just don't understand yet. Mothering is hard work!
What I believe is that true refreshment does not come from things such as nail polish and new novels; it comes from going up to the "mountaintop" to be with God, to talk with Him privately and to pray. This is where true nourishment and pure living water comes from, and Jesus Himself did this very thing when He needed to be filled.
That being said, taking time out to grab a mocha in peace, attending a Bible study, even a trip to the library sans time spent in buckling car seats can give a mom a chance to take care of herself without guilt. Going out for a haircut does not make you selfish.
Some women think that there is something wrong with you if you ENJOY being home, and if you LIKE being with your children. They don't understand why you wouldn't want to "get away" more often. It is OK to be home and not plan on forced "me time" outings.
So, I think this: go out as you need to, but not in the pursuit of a false sense of "freedom" (think of the guppy that jumps from her fishbowl saying, "I'm freeeeeeee.......!"). If you're looking for refreshment, seek Jesus. If you're looking for a friend for coffee, enjoy yourself. In the meantime, joy in the home is built through gratitude and sacrifice, and ENjoyment of mothering comes from the same thankful spirit. Time with your little ones is very short; don't waste it pining for time that later on you will wish wasn't here "already".
Keri
Posted by: Keri | February 5, 2007 12:11 AM
I read this post this morning, and i couldnt get this mom out of my head, so i guess God wants me to put in my two cents. I am rookie mom, w/a 4yo and a 9mo. With my first son,i really felt a "right" to my mommy time, and i found myself getting very resentful when i just didnt have it. I think the mainstream parenting magazines give the impression that you need time to pamper yourself. I realized one day that they would probably never do an article on self-sacrifice, as their advertisers cant really make any money off of that!! I think another factor going on was my comparison of being a parent to a "job" In a job mentality, there are your set responsibilities and schedule, and anything past that is considered overtime. Well, being a mother is a gift, not a job. Our children are blessings, not bosses. And taking care of them is part of the gift and part of the blessing. As i realized this, it made the middle of the night feedings and the endless laundry seem like almost an honor. I dont want to seem all pollyanna about it. Sleep deprivation isnt fun at all, but with my second, i really began to treasure those quiet minutes in the night that just he and i spent together. And it helps to know that it is a season of more intensive care, and then another season of parenting will come.
A couple important things, and then i will close. There is a difference for me between "mommy time" and quiet time. Mommy time is indulging your self once in a while in a night out with the girls, or a pedicure or renting a favorite movie. but Mommy time is just icing, its not essential. but we all need quiet time, we all need a few minutes a day to speak to God and hear from him. For me, i have learned to take snippets throughout the day to pray, but I also take advantage of those precious windows of time when both kids are sleeping. (Like right now!) Those quiet times are a staple to my relationship with God, which in turn helps me hold onto sanity. Sometimes sickness or teething makes them shorter than i would like, but i usually get at least an hour or two before bed to just unwind and BE.
One last VERY important thing is Mommy and Daddy time, meaning date nights. This is a really crucial thing, that is not optional in our family. We have set up with another couple who has kids to swap Tuesday evening babysitting while the other couple goes out. Nothing fancy, just dinner, but it helps us really talk through things we haven't had a chance to discuss, or pick up on conversations we began and got interrupted. Strengthening your marriage isnt and indulgence, its ensuring a strong foundation for your family.
OK, enough of my input. I just had all this on my heart, and it is a journey God has taken me on, so i wanted to share.
Posted by: monica | February 5, 2007 6:21 AM
I think perhaps some of the problem is that you are taking a secular approach to a spiritual problem.
Modern culture tells us that in order for "Mommy time" to count, it must be spent pampering our bodies or feeding our selfish tendencies. A massage counts as Mommy Time; shopping for your family doesn't. Also, our popular media tells us that Mommy Time means time away from children and spouse; it's Me time. A girl's night out or manicure probably doesn't refresh you, because that's not what you are "thirsty" for; if you live your life in a countercultural way (and Christians do), then joining the culture of me for a night because "that's what you are supposed to do" will not be that much fun; it might poison you against your perceived 'balls and chains' or be merely draining.
But Christ tells us to rest in Him. Our rest may or may not include other people, including our children. The purpose is to refresh yourself, through Him, in the life He gave you.
This doesn't mean the only time you are "allowed" to not feel guilty about getting away from the kids is to go to church or join a Bible study. Those are good things, but they are not the only way to rest.
He tells us to "take up our cross and follow Him"; He doesn't instruct us to take one night every month to NOT follow Him, because we deserve a break.
Resting in Him, primarily, means accepting and acquiescing your will to His. God calls you to holiness through your circumstances, not in spite of your circumstances.
I would try to discern the way God made you, and center any rest around that. Follow His plan for your life, including your rest times. If He gave you a heart for creating a cozy home, then perhaps your 'rest' would be browsing decorating magazines. If He gave you a heart for the oppressed, perhaps your 'rest' would be volunteering for the poor and homeless (and you can do this at home - making blankets, washing donated clothes, etc.)
If your talent is painting, then your 'rest' might be creating works of art.
In any case, your 'rest' may not be time alone at all. Recognize the way God chooses to refresh your soul, and accept those times as He chooses to give them to you - not because you deserve it, but because they are His gift to you.
Posted by: Milehimama | February 5, 2007 9:36 AM
This is an interesting topic. I get a lot of "mommy time" or "me time" or whatever. I've always asked for a lot of it, and my dear husband usually is very generous about giving it to me.
However, I definitely relate to the original poster in that when I get back, I often have a hard time getting back into mothering and feel like I almost need a break when I get back before I can jump in again.
Lately, now that I have 3 kids, I am often too tired to go out and find that I prefer a quiet evening at home, vegging in front of the tv with a glass of wine. I still go out sometimes, but I don't find that "me time" nearly as refreshing as the "me time" that I spend at home relaxing.
And I think that those who point to other cultures and other periods in history when "me time" was virtually unheard of have a very good point. I think it is very much a product of our modern American culture. And I doubt very seriously that it is a biblical concept.
Not that I will decline when given the opportunity, but I have been really convicted lately about "asking" for it or "demanding" it.
Hope I'm making sense...
Thanks for the food for thought!
Posted by: d | February 5, 2007 9:55 AM
Right now I just try to remind myself that before long there will be LOTS of free time to occupy. Children grow up so fast. My kids are only 6, 4, and 3 but it seems like yesterday I had three babies 3 and under.
Now our days are filled with homeschooling and mothering. I do every once in awhile get to go out to dinner with a friend, or go to get my haircut alone. These are short moments away, but they do refresh me.
Keep your eye on the bigger picture; one day those babes will be gone and you will have lots of time on your hands to do "your thing." Until then, treasure it and enjoy the journey because if you blink, you just might miss it.
Posted by: Lindsey @ enjoythejourney | February 5, 2007 12:52 PM
I think that Mommies can go stir-crazy as much as their children can. We all realize that sometimes the kids just need to get out of the house, free of those same 4 walls, run around and recharge their batteries.
Moms need to recharge their batteries too. But a manicure might not be what's really in order. As another commenter pointed out, it might just be the need for quiet time. It might be the need for prayer time. It might be the need of a coffee with a supportive friend. Having an introverted personality, I sometimes need to have an hour to just be quiet someplace, without my children all trying to speak to me at once, the phone ringing, a noisy toy in the background. My batteries are recharged by some quiet. I can even manage to recharge by going to the supermarket ALONE.
The idea that we "deserve" all this time to pamper ourselves, etc. is a big moneymaker for women's magazines but only serves to make us a slave to the wrong master.
Posted by: Barb Szyszkiewicz, sfo | February 5, 2007 1:12 PM
Blessings, Barbara and all!
I'm a Momma. A Homeschooling, Military-wife, Momma of four precious "live-wires" (as a former pastor's wife recently called them! ;)) that are 9, 7, 4 and 2 1/2. I love my family dearly. I don't deserve THEM, nor do I deserve my precious, loving, hardworking hubbyman.
Being the Momma married to the military (as they practically "own" my dh's time in many ways), Dear Dh is often gone to lands far away, sometimes in harm's way. Praise God, He'll be home again, soon (WOOHOO!). I've learned the great value of Mommy Time.
For me, Mommy Time comes in many forms. Last deployment, it was spent in exercise, weight control, and some time on the computer talking to dear friends of mine. This Temporary Duty (shorter time, same distance) that he's on, it's spent the same way. Both times in particular, I've been blessed to have ladies in my church step out and offer to watch the children for a couple of hours for me to have said Mommy Time. More often than not, I went and bought the groceries. It was a true blessing to have ONE voice in my head, as opposed to five (the 4 children, plus me!), only in that I could think through menus and lists and be sure that I was spending my hubbyman's wages in the best way that I could to feed our family. I enjoy providing this for my family.
I am blessed THIS week, tomorrow, in fact, to have another friend watch the children long enough for me to go get a haircut (third in six years!! WOOHOO!), as hubby is coming home on Sunday, and I want to look my best! For me, this is a recharge and ready to attack the coming days with a new fervor! I LOVE it! :D
I agree fully that if Mommy Time grows to be a thought that "I deserve this", maybe "now" isn't the time. I personally don't "get" Mommy Time year round, but my hubbyman will see that look in my eye and recognize that Momma needs some quiet. He'll send me off to the tub with a magazine or a library book, or simply move the children upstairs to play. Mommy Time for me is that opportunity to rest the noggin from the busies that happen. I think that there are seasons that we'll possibly need more and possibly less than others.
May each Momma be blessed...
:D
b
Posted by: Mamabeck | February 5, 2007 4:25 PM
I just recently hosted a ladies' night at my home - other young married women I know have a lot of projects they're working on, so I did a movie and project night...we put a movie on and brought our projects to work on. Several of the women, myself included, have babies. I encouraged them to bring the babies. The moms had fun toting their babies along and the engaged girls and married woman without children yet enjoyed playing with the babies. It worked out perfectly. Other moms of young ones might want to try this.
Posted by: Becky | February 5, 2007 5:03 PM
I know it's probably been said in one way or another here on the comments, but your mothering is not a "job"...it's a calling. It is who you are. Taking "Mommy Time" to "get away from the kids" is not the right perspective. Jesus is our refreshment and our rest.
All that being said--everyone needs a break now and then. There is nothing wrong with that. But becoming "selfish" with the Mommy time and "demanding" the Mommy Time is not the way to go.
As far as the guilt about leaving your children to go do something for yourself--I think as long as you have the right perspective (as I stated above) then your guilt should be handed over to Him.
Lots of great advice, here!
Posted by: Andrea | February 5, 2007 10:21 PM
Thanks so much everyone for your insights. It is refreshing to hear you all and your take on "mommy time." I will thinking hard about what will recharge my batteries and keeping in mind that it doesn't have to be a manicure. Thanks!
Posted by: Lisa | February 6, 2007 6:08 PM
I am not the type of person who is naturally mentally aware of my surroundings. It takes a lot of effort and energy to stay on top of things day in and day out. It is really difficult for me not to drift off into daydream-land when I have 4 kids under 5 who are in constant need of my mental alertness.
I do crave "me" time, which for me is anytime that I am not "on duty". It's time when I can be totally inward reflecting because somebody else is making sure that the 1 year old isn't scaling the book shelf. But, I also have to be careful about making sure the time I spend away is edifying. There is a huge difference for me between spending time with other women bashing our husbands and spending time with women talking about spirituality. There is also a huge difference between spending my evening watching sit-coms and spending it doing a craft project.
I think God wants us at our mental best, and if we ask him He will provide us with the perfect opportunity to do what our hearts and minds need. I have started going out with just the youngest and leaving my husband with the kids twice a week to do a little thrift store shopping and spending time at the library. I try to keep that time as high minded as possible, and asking the Lord to direct me to the best deals or the best books. I also have a once a month gathering with other christian women that I have found to be extremely edifying. These women are such good people and when I am in their presence I just feel so at peace and happy that such women exist and I can connect with them.
God wants us to have the best of life. He created us for His pleasure, and just like we prefer our children's company when they are happy and content, so God wants us to have a heart full of joy. He just doesn't want us to lose sight of Him in order to get it.
Posted by: paigeu | February 6, 2007 8:03 PM
I think it's important to note that, while women of other cultures and in the past did not have the luxury of mommy time, we now do not have the luxury of being surrounded by family, friends, and many helping hands as they did/do. Our society today is so isolated and mothers are home alone with the children doing all of the work alone. Even if we gather with other moms at a playgroup or Bible study, still most of our time is spent alone with the children.
Posted by: Danielle | February 10, 2007 9:54 PM
Dear Danielle -
You are still missing the point that even when women lived in closer proximity to their family, they had so much more work than we do today - no electricity or running water - scrubbing clothes on rocks or washboards. Work was hard and it consumed all your time. The first sentence of The Purpose-Driven Life is "It's not about you." My point is that just as a three-year-old who feels entitled to something is ugly, so is a twenty-three year old.
And a lot of what drives our emotions in this country is fed by consumer forces. As long as you are disatisfied, you will buy something - a product or service - to fix it. As many of the commenters pointed out here, we all need spiritual refreshment, but MommyTime in the manner in which it is promoted in magazines is not going to make you feel much better.
My experience has been that by dying to myself I have found so much more. I'd been an SAHM homeschooling and completely devoted to my husband and kids for 10 years before I began writing. I believe that losing my own selfishness had a lot to do with finding my creativity.
It's so much healthier to maintain an attitude of gratitude than to worry about my "rights." I've trained myself when my mind starts to go down a negative track to begin immediately thanking God for what I have rather than whining about what I don't have.
You've probably not been reading MommyLife very long or you would know that I think motherhood is a wonderful opportunity for spiritual growth - for those who are interested in the challenge!
Posted by: barbara | February 11, 2007 4:03 PM
I don't have the right to "me time" but I do have the need. To love others as I love myself I have to actually love myself and take care of me. Then I'll have something to give to my family and I'll be a better mom when I am refreshed. If I wait until someone else gives me that time I'll never get it, so I make sure I'm taking care of myself as well. Of course motherhood is not about us...I've never been one to choose my parenting style upon what is most convenient for me, but rather what is best for the kids. So I'm willing to wash poopy cloth diapers, make baby food, attachment parent, and very possibly homeschool..if it's all more work than mainstream parenting that's ok because it's for my girls. But it's hard to be around a 3 and 1 year old 24/7 with a husband that works out of state and is not often home without losing my sanity. :) I suffered severe anxiety and some depression after the birth of my second a little over a year ago, which is unfortunately so common in our isolated culture. Other countries do not have the rates of postpartum depression that we have, despite the harder life they lead. I think sharing life with others helps with that and alleviates the need so much for "me time." So I make sure to take care of myself now so I'm a mentally and emotionally healthy mom for them, especially since I do it by myself much of the time. I don't think needing time for myself makes me unspiritual, I think it just makes me human. Thinking that I don't deserve time to spend how I would like makes me feel overwhelmed and anxious, that maybe I was supposed to lose myself when I became a mother and ignore my own needs. Maybe I'm reading wrong into everything and misunderstanding...I'm not sure...but that's where I'm coming from. :)
Posted by: Danielle | February 11, 2007 8:16 PM
"Other countries do not have the rates of postpartum depression that we have, despite the harder life they lead."
Danielle - I would posit that that's because they have not been raised with the same degree of selfishness that American children are raised with. They aren't depressed because they have been brought up to accept their lives without grumbling and complaining.
I am not going to turn this into a debate. You are welcome to your opinion - which, I will cation you, is subject to change in the next 10, 20, and 30 years. I certainly was not makig the best choices in my 20's and 30's. As an older mother/mentor I'm here to share the wisdom I've gained with those who want to hear it. Every mom who reads here is free to "eat the meat and spit out the bones" - that's an expression my husband uses.
I'm not imposing my ideas on moms here - simply sharing food for thought.
Posted by: barbara | February 12, 2007 8:09 AM
