February 4, 2007 3:10 PM
Writing from the (broken) heart
Ten weeks ago I wrote about the broken relationship with my daughter Jasmine. I did this after a month of prayer and consideration, not out of vindictiveness but because I believe that by making my life an open book, God can use it - in all its imperfection - to help others. In On Grandmotherhood, motherhood and spiritual growth I presented three reasons:
The first reason is that we should not put Christian leaders/writers/speakers on the pedestals we do. And Christian leaders/writers/speakers who are in this position must be very careful not to let it change who they are. I personally have found that having this additional responsibility is very humbling, for even as I’m charged to write about the ideals I try to practice in bringing up my kids, I am sharply reminded how far short I fall. Which is why I say you must always remember that we are talking about ideals and while it’s important to try to live up to them, it’s equally important to not judge ourselves or others harshly because of them.The second reason is that as a woman who’s “gone over the mountain” of motherhood with six children who are now adults (and six still at home to keep me on my toes!), I am preparing the way for you on the path you are growing into. As young mothers we think it could never happen to us that a child could grow to despise us. Perhaps we need that over-confidence in order to get up each day and do the hard work we must do to keep a cheerful home. And perhaps there are mothers who make it through without ever having that experience. What we all have in common is that for every child we raise, we will have a different and unique relationship. Some will respect, admire, and love us dearly. Some may not. But that is not an indication of the quality of your motherhood. Your motherhood has always been and will always be between you and God. No report card, no performance review, no judgment by a child – who, after all, will always be younger and less wise than you – can change that.
The third reason is that there may be someone who hears me speak or reads my words who has been unable to see into her own mother’s heart. Perhaps you have been harder on your mother than you should be. Perhaps you are blaming her for not being perfect, for being a hypocrite, for whatever things my daughter is blaming me for – I can only guess as she is not one to seek reconciliation through open discussion – and you have allowed your feelings to interfere with the growth of your relationship or your children’s relationship with their grandmother. If so, I urge you to reconsider. There is always the possibility that the problem is not with your mother, who after all is a just a human being. Why wait 20 years to experience what you will surely experience – that your children don’t judge you as perfect either – before making peace with her?
Of course your children are bound to discover you’re not perfect. We can just hope and pray they love us anyway. And that when we look at their homes and families we see reflected there the things we thought were important.
As I also said in that post, this is not the first time I have been shunned by my daughter. There was another time that lasted a year. I was angry then. But I've grown. I'm not angry this time, only hurt and helpless - which is why I've asked for your prayers.
Some members of our family have been judgmental about my being open with "family problems." On digging deeper, I've found that some really don't understand my calling at all. To tell you the truth, my own kids don't read my books or articles. They see only the woman with feet of clay and so they don't understand how I could be an authority on anything.
I wonder if they notice when they read the Bible that everyone - even the strongest leaders and God's favorites - had feet of clay. I wonder if they realize that the kids of Christian authors they read probably see all their parents' flaws too?
Out of respect for their feelings, I try to keep a low profile about many of the things I do.
I am not blogging about the difficulties I face as a mother out of selfishness or vindictiveness. I have not assaulted Jasmine's character or shared her weaknesses. After all, she is my daughter and I love her very much. I have only stated what is true. My daughter has removed herself, her husband and my five grandchildren from our lives. Though we have offered to present ourselves to her pastor for reconciliation, she will not do so. I am forbidden to call, write or email.
There may be other mothers or daughters out there who need to revisit rocky spots in their relationships. When Christian women are honest about what's going on in their lives, it helps others come to grips with their own. It's actually a sacrifice - admitting your life isn't all peaches and cream - not an act of selfishness.
Maybe some of you have thought things through a little because of this discussion. Here is some correspondence which started as a comment to last November's post:
Barbara,I know this is an old post, but it's been rolling around in my heart.
I can sorta understand where your daughter is coming from.
My mother had a TERRIBLE childhood. She did much better than she was raised, but there were some pretty bad places in my childhood too. She abandoned us when I was 16 (I'm the oldest of 4) to live a life of drugs and partying. For many years, I was bitterly angry. Then we started "getting along" but really it was just a nice bandaid over an old festering wound. Then just about the time I was able to start really working on that old wound, she went and got saved. I hate to admit this, but I was a little aggravated. I was a Christian (a young one) and now here she was coming in as sister super Christian. Suddenly I was no longer "allowed" to deal with my past pain. She was a Christian now and I needed to let it go. While true, it's not really something you can do on demand. I felt like once again, it was all about her and nothing left for me.
Then she started talking about wanting to start a ministry to teenagers. Now I know that it was to try and ease some of the pain from abandoning us, but I was LIVID. I was sick of everyone telling me how GREAT she was. This new person was pretty good, but it still didn't change the fact that the mother I had wasn't. That I didn't get to be a teenager because she was too busy playing.
We are finally starting to get to the other side of it. I'm slowly being able to dig through those wounds and turn them over to God. As He heals them, our relationship heals.
But I still have to mentally see her as a different person than my childhood mother. There are still times when God's working on an especially deep wound, that I have to pull away from her emotionally.
It's slow, but getting there.
whimsy
hi whimsy -thanks for your comment.
i completely understand where you're coming from.
my situation is a little different in that i got clean and sober when jasmine was five, married and began a stable, respectable family when she was seven, and became a Christian when she was 12.
I have apologized endlessly and specifically for my past mistakes - before and since I became a Christian. I'm not the kind of person who would ever say "I already apologized for that" - I will continue to be sorry until the day I die that I was not a good mom for my girls when they were young.
I did not begin writing until 1994 when she was 19 years old. Between the ages of 7 and 19 I was a SAHM completely devoted to my family with no outside responsibilities.
At this point, I really feel it's her problem to deal with. Her sister who is six years older dealt with much more severe pain, as I left her with her dad when I moved out with Jasmine. Yes, she hurts from it - we talk about it freely - but she knows we are all sinners saved by grace and is grateful for our relationship.
I will probably publish your comment and my response. I've given up protecting her feelings. She needs a strong dose of reality.
love,
barbara
Thanks for responding. After I hit submit, I knew I didn’t express what I wanted to, so I really appreciate the chance!
I was actually thinking that Jasmine was the older one, that does make it a little different.
I meant to come across that it was really all my problem. The whole time. Compared to what my mom was raised with, she did a great job with the tools she had at the time. The largest part of the problem was my PRIDE. I wanted the world to feel sorry for me. Poor Jennifer, look how hard she had it. That kind of thing. I wasn’t ready to move on and I didn’t want the rest of the world to move on either! There’s not much anyone can do with that until the person is ready to lay it down themselves.
Maybe me writing that all out was more about getting it out for myself than you needing to hear it? I’m finding that happening more and more lately.
I really appreciate you being so transparent in your struggles. It has helped me heal with my mother so much. You know, just like my mom couldn’t help me heal, maybe someone else will have to be the one that helps her. I’ve always believed that we have many “mothers” in this life that teach us different things.
I also think it’s so important that you share struggles with your grown children. It’s so easy to think that if we follow a certain recipe with our kids we are guaranteed they will live perfect lives. That can be dangerous thinking.
I’m praying for you all. I’ve developed a deep affection for you through your writing and consider it a privilege.
whimsy
I've faced the fact that I can't do anything to restore my relationship with Jasmine. I've placed it on the altar where God can do something with it - even if it's for someone else. And I thank God that he's already used it for good.
Posted in Family, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
I missed your original post on this, but reading this has made me think about my relationship with my mom. She's not so bad, really, but I realize that I have been making fun of her behind her back. Criticizing her little hypocrisies, joking about her mistakes and making her sound stupid to others. I hadn't thought about it because everyone makes fun of their parents. But I would never speak about my husband that way -- I always try to cast him in a positive light to others. And I would be beyond hurt if I heard my kids talking about me like I talk about her.
Clearly this needs to stop. :(
Posted by: Michelle | February 4, 2007 9:25 PM
Oh Barbara, I am so looking forward to hearing what God is going to do through this suffering you are enduring. I want to encourage you to pray, to cling to the Lord, to have love towards your daughter and to never give up hoping for reconciliation. My heart breaks with you.
The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart.....Ps 34:18
Keri
Posted by: Keri | February 4, 2007 11:06 PM
Oh Barbara, you have my complete sympathy. I went through something similar with my sister who completely quit speaking to me not once, but twice, wrote scathing e-mails, neglected to invite me to family functions etc...it was terrible.
We reconciled last time over the stillbirth of my sixth child but I told her that if she broke it off again I don't think I wanted to have another tragedy just to reconcile with her!
I don't have any answers for you. My sister and I are good friends now, but it took a lot of time. I'll pray for both of you.
Posted by: Elena | February 5, 2007 4:23 PM
Thank you for addressing this - I have often wondered and asked why Christian women are so closed? I am very open, and sometimes too open. I am learning how to hear that still, small Voice that tells me to be quiet. But, I know that by being open we can learn so much from one another. First, of all - by being open we admit that we aren't perfect. That's the problem - everyone is trying to prove to everyone else why they are perfect. I learn the most when I'm humbled and realize I don't know what in the heck I'm talking about! Thank you for being honest, Barbara!
Posted by: Kristin | February 6, 2007 9:25 PM
My heart is breaking for you.
What a difficult ordeal. I pray God has some greater good in store in the future for your hardships now.
It suprises me though. I was raised by someone who made many many mistakes, but having children of my own made me more able to forgive and accept her for who she is, since I am not perfect and I hope my kids can do the same thing for me.
Posted by: paigeu | February 7, 2007 2:17 AM
I pray your relationship with your daughter will be restored soon. I pray her heart will be softened, and she will shake off her grudges and resentment. Forgiveness is difficult, but freeing. As your pain is telling you, she is robbing her own children of their grandparents and extended family. I am so sorry.
When you look back, with 20/20 hindsight vision, can you see where things started to go wrong with your daughter? Was it during the teen years? School? Peers? Did she get enough attention? I am sure you are already blaming yourself, and I truly don't intend to do that. I am just wondering if you see areas that other mothers should watch for, with the hope of preventing similar disconnection? You have such a heart for teaching others how to learn from your past.
I understand if you are too busy, or the answers are too personal.
Posted by: Carol | February 8, 2007 11:46 AM
Carol -
It started when she was in elementary school actually - before I was a Christian and just struggling to learn how to be a good, sober mom - when teachers pointed out problems in her relationships and instead of getting to work on them I defended and protected her.
When I became a Christian and God started to show me my own faults as parent, I tried to revisit some destructive patterns but it was too late or too early for her to deal with them.
As a seasoned mother I can see what's wrong but there is nothing I can do about it. Unfortunately - and we see this over and over in the Bible - a parent's flaws can end up causing harm to the child. Think of Abraham and Ishmael. Ishmael was innocent and yet his position in life was doomed because of Abraham's lack of faith in God. We all really suffer that, don't we? My parents' decisions - which led to foster homes and sexual abuse - hurt their children deeply. Yet because we have been offered freedom in Christ - not to mention forgiveness for our own sins - we are free to become new creations. I have a brother who is a convicted pedophile (even has his picture on the Internet), yet God mercifully gave me the opportunity to make something better of my life.
Our experiences can make us bitter or better. But to be consistently angry at someone else because they wronged you is to add more chains of bondage to your life. I can say with complete peace that I have forgiven even the father and son who molested and raped me when I was a little girl in a foster home. I understand from God's perspective that I am really no better than they - just saved by grace. If they have become Christians, I'm sure they are much more haunted by their sin than I am.
But that's my choice - to take up God on his offer of grace and to extend it to those also in need of it.
My daughter and her husband don't show much understanding of God's grace - only the judgment. I feel sorry for them because they are in bondage. But I am not beating myself up, Carol. I have always been one quick to acknowledge my mistakes and ask forgiveness. My daughter gets mad at me (and her older sister who is also shunned) for things I do which really don't even concern her. She's just trapped in her judgmentalism and will be until she seeks release.
I'm not saying these things to tear her down. She's just a sinner like all of us - and stuck in the place right now where she thinks she can raise her kids and live her life in such a way that she will never need the grace she feels entitled to withhold from me.
Personally, I have found complete peace about this. God has certainly blessed me with an abundance of spiritual daughters. He didn't have to do that. I know he loves me, that I am forgiven, and that I am doing my best to serve him each day -
Plus always open to my daughter when she is ready to have us (Tripp, me, the other kids - all of whose relationships have been put on hold) be part of her life.
With five kids and a heart for God, I know this is bound to happen some day. Unfortunately, her kids will be scarred and will have their own stuff to recover from. It's just the cycle of sin.
God is teaching me through this many things about his purpose and eternity. Believe me, it is not going to waste. And from the email I receive, it has stimulated much thought in my readers about their own relationships with their mothers.
Posted by: barbara | February 8, 2007 12:35 PM
Thank you for helping me understand.
Posted by: Carol | February 8, 2007 2:19 PM
