March 19, 2007 9:52 AM
Children need Jesus too!
Kristy recently wrote me about the "dinner wars" she was having with her almost-five-year-old daughter. After describing the mother/daughter deadlock over food and all the right strategies she'd used to no avail, she continued:
A new streak of rebellion has trickled into my daughter and I am finding myself at wit's end. (deliberately disobeying, then looking to see if she was caught. we do time outs, we do a spanking when it's deserved, nothing phases her. she will smile/smirk at you instead! I have tried making sure I spent some quality one-on-one time with her to see if it is jealousy since the new baby arrived that maybe she was pining for attention and using negative attention instead...but, still to no help!)
I draw the line at mealtimes. We work hard to buy, prepare and cook their food! Having her refuse to eat ANYTHING (not one bite for all 3 meals today and no snacks in between) and just grin a smirky grin at us has me baffled!! I don't know if she has some rebellious spirit hanging about her I need to pray about, or if this is an age thing that will pass, or another issue that needs to be addressed...please help! How did you handle the "meal wars" with your children? When they refused altogether, or when they just refused foods they "didn't like"...how did you teach them to have a spirit of gratefulness and accept what they've been given?~Kristy in England.
p.s. if you have any advice about the other ways her rebellion has come out in other situations I am ALL ears. I sometimes wonder if God is testing me or trying to more self control/patience, because more and more I am feeling if grandkids are God's reward for not killing your own kids when you had the chance, then I don't want grandkids lol!!
First, I just want to remind everyone that when a new baby is born, it is bound to cause upset (whether obvious or not) in the family. Think of a mobile to which you add another piece: the whole mobile wobbles around for a while before it settles into a newfound stability.
A child is bound to feel displaced by a new baby (although I think this is somewhat easier if there are many children close together), so even if they behave well, parents need to be sensitive (more about this in the next entry New baby and sibling rivalry).
Still, what Kristy's daughter's behavior is really communicating is her need for a Savior. As a mother of 12 - nine of whom at some point in their childhood made a decision to "ask Jesus in their hearts" (the remaining three have Down syndrome and are not there yet), I can say unequivocally that once a child makes this commitment, you immediately see the influence of the Holy Spirit. No, your child will not be perfect (are you? :) - but there will be an ability to communicate and appeal to a more positive side. Your child will be empowered to resist her own more negative impulses.
(I know this sounds strange to nonChristians, but just as scientists observe reality to draw conclusions, I can say that I have SEEN this with my own eyes - and lived with the results of sharing a home with kids who share the same spiritual foundation after 17 years of bringing up two daughters without it. I just had the unfortunate experience of watching the anti-Christian documentary Jesus Camp, and plan to write more on this eventually.)
So, here is what I wrote back to Kristy
Dear Kristy -Sounds like a little girl who needs to ask Jesus in her heart. Seriously.
This reminds me of my daughter Maddy, who was acting out and being so rebellious at 3 or 4. One day she just broke, crying, asking why she was the way she was - and I was able to tell her how much she needed Jesus.
You need to look for that broken, receptive moment. Inside - no matter how tough she's acting on the outside - your daughter is miserable and unhappy. That's how it feels when we're in bondage.
Look at your job as one of liberating her. Jesus came to set the captives (to sin) free! That's what he does for our kids. Once your daughter makes a commitment to Christ, you will see a whole different child.
Our children come to Christ in many ways - just like adults. But some come because they are hitting bottom, unhappy and imprisoned by their sinful nature. Our job is to put their hand in Jesus hand.
Should I post this for others?
Praying for you today!
Love,
barbara
Also, related to this article: Teaching Kids Contrition
Posted in Mothering, Preschoolers, Religion | Permalink
Comments
Oh MY! Kristy's daughter sounds just like mine...only throw in highly emotional at the slightest provocation (like asking her to get her shoes on!) and extreme temper tantrums. I've talked to my daughter about asking Jesus into her heart. She understands the concept, but she thinks it's quaint...like asking for a drink of water. I don't want her to trivialize this.
Posted by: Linda | March 19, 2007 11:49 AM
This reminds me of my firstborn-a kid who was,pardon me, a little hellion in kindergarden (although he obeyed at home.) They had called us to a meeting and were recommending we take him to a psychiatrist. I asked for two weeks to think about it.
I then went home and called an intercessor I knew.
Before the two weeks were up, he was sitting in my lap, and I shared the gospel with him as the Lord gave an opening.
About a week later I had to pick him up from school because of a rash-when I returned him later (the doc said it wasn't contagious) his counselor asked me WHAT ON EARTH I HAD DONE WITH MY CHILD. Apparently his behavior did a complete turnaround, and ever since then he has been a pleasure to raise (actually he is 22 years old, attends a service academy, and loves and follows the Lord to this day.)
Oh, and we never did have to visit that shrink ;-)
Posted by: connie | March 19, 2007 2:44 PM
Barbara: I would like to hear more about HOW you went about leading your 9 kids to Christ. I have a 5 year old (and a 2 year old, and a 10 month old) who has heard heard heard about sin, does a great job of sinning, but still thinks he doesn't sin. :) So any kind of talk about needing to be "saved" just seems to fly right over his head. I need some nuts-and-bolts help, here...not sure how to get the lightbulb to go on in his head. You do not need to reply to me personally, but whenever you have a minute, maybe you could help us moms out??? :)
Posted by: Lisa | March 19, 2007 2:59 PM
oh connie! what an awesome testimony! Julia had "asked" jesus into her heart about a year ago. it was one of those "where's jesus?" conversations where i talked that he was in heaven, but he could also live in our hearts and be with us wherever we are...so she repeated a prayer right there with me, but i *really* don't know if she truly understood...you know? there wasn't any talk of sin or the NEED for a savior. i have been kind of puzzled of how to address that without the hell and brimstone fear stuff behind it. she would be quick to tell you Jesus died on the cross so we could always be with him and that he lived in her heart, but without the issue of sin, i knew it would need to be addressed again and i have been unsure of how to really do that. i know now to be praying for that moment, for preparation on her heart for it as well, and the words for me when the time comes.
all of this has helped me so much..thank you Barbara and to all the posters for comments. I really hope to go forward with this in prayer. i will update you guys as it comes.
thank you, to each of you. ;)
Kristy in england
Posted by: Kristy | March 19, 2007 6:29 PM
Great advice, Barbara. I just finished reading Sheparding A Child's Heart by Ted Tripp - his whole book is about your response to Kristy. It's a joyous thing to view this motherhood role with an eternal perspective.
Posted by: Kristin | March 19, 2007 8:58 PM
Dear Linda - I agree, you don't want to trivialize this - it is an important decision! It's important for kids to understand at whatever level they can what is going on. Since kids are not abstract thinkers, we need to be careful when we use jargon like "asking Jesus into your heart" - better to explain that we are really giving our lives to Jesus and that we will be guided by the Holy Spirit to live better lives.
Connie - thanks for that affirmation that we are talking about something real here. I've had that experience with children myself and know others who have.
Lisa - even though our children are young, they have free will. They will not take this step until they are ready and we must be careful not to force them because we don't want to produce hypocrites. One of my sons waited a long time and saw many brothers and sisters take this step before he would. When he did, we woke up everyone in the house to share the good news! He cried like a baby - feeling the liberation of having that burden removed (like in that beautiful scene in the movie The Mission where Rodgrigo climbs up the mountain with the spoils he has stolen from the natives to seek forgiveness.
Kids are individuals and we cannot force or manipulate them into making a decision. We can be good role models, teach them the Bible, and share the Four Spiritual Laws (a simple model used by Campus Crusade)in language they can understand.
Some kids who are resistant will be more open when they are unhappy (because of sin, of course). When Maddy was young, she went through a phase of being mean to Jonny and getting in trouble. She was unhappy because on her childish level, she could feel her own powerlessness over changing her bad behavior. One day when she was doing bench time (and I'm not the world's strictest disciplanarian :), she was sobbing with unhappiness. I could feel her burden. We talked and she even expressed it - "Mommy, I want to be a good girl, but I can't!"
The simplest answer is this: "No, you can't do it alone. You need God in your life."
It's the same answer I gave to my oldest daughter who was 17 when I became a Christian and who was sleeping with her boyfriend (as a pagan, I'd never taught her any better, but still she lied to me because in her heart she felt it was wrong). She said, "Mom, we've tried to stop! But we can't!" What came out of my mouth then (as a 3-week-old Christian) was the truth: "That's because you don't have God in your life. You need his help." Most of you know that Sam and Kip both became Christians and spent two years after that in a pure relationship before getting married. They will tell you today - after 18 years of marriage and five children - that it was the best thing that ever happened because taking sex out of the relationship allowed them to get to truly know each other.
But my point here is that it's as though someone were sick and you had the medicine. The cause of unhappiness is the absence of God in our lives. Some children will make a decision for Christ because they are drawn by the positive. But for some - as for adults - they will come to Christ only when they hit bottom and are reaching for something greater.
I do hope this helps. And thanks Kristy for starting another great discussion!
Posted by: barbara | March 20, 2007 12:26 PM
