March 19, 2007 10:01 AM
New baby and sibling rivalry
Also, in answer to Kristy's challenges with her daughter's unhappy behavior, I'm reprinting parts of a chapter from The Mommy Survival Guide:
New Baby Blues Like it or not, the birth of a baby can produce post-partum stress in other members of the family besides Mom. I know it’s hard when you’re overwhelmed with your own Baby Blues – I will never forget the times I burst into tears in the middle of dinner, to the great distress of my family – but besides losing sleep and grappling with your own changing emotional landscape, you have to do your best to help your kids deal with theirs.
Just don’t forget: it comes to pass, not to stay!
When Josh was born, Samantha was 14 and Jasmine 7. Samantha was pretty secure and adjusted well (although when we announced 9 months later we were going to have another baby, she fled the dinner table in tears!). But Jasmine - who'd been the baby for almost eight years - had very mixed feelings.
With a stream of visitors coming to meet the new baby, Jasmine reacted to her perceived dethroning by staging elaborate puppet shows and raffles for our guests. A little over-the-top, but at least a constructive way to handle those feelings of jealousy.
But Jasmine wasn’t in denial about her feelings, and she actually was able to laugh at her own coping mechanisms. She was the one who came up with the term shooganoona to describe those times when she’d hug the baby just a little too tight, squeeze his cheek a little too hard.
It was a word to describe that sibling ambivalence – I love this baby but I don’t love how he’s taking my parents away from me. I want to play with him but I want to hurt him too. That word – shooganoona – was a blessing because it gave a name to something that we didn’t have a name for. It made it possible to discuss the feelings and laugh about how crazy they can make us. It helped defuse them, so in the end there were fewer shooganoonas in the house.
While a particular child may not be into shooganoonas, she may have the same ambivalent feelings. You could never predict for sure with each birth who will be hit the hardest. But when you see it, you need to give that child a little extra.
Quality time ideas: How about dad taking her out to breakfast (that was always a big thrill for our kids), taking her shopping with you when you might have gone alone, going to see a movie or browsing at the library. Set aside an hour to go through old family photo albums and talk about her. Or if you have family videos, you could watch them together while you nurse the baby, and focus the conversation on your daughter. You could give her some extra high-status responsibilities and privileges - something not connected to the baby.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Here’s Help
For reasons I’ll go into in the chapter “Say It with Stories,” when it comes to dealing with kids’ emotional quandaries, books with animal characters can teach important lessons in charming and non-threatening ways. In A Baby Sister for Frances, the whimsical badgerette takes to sitting under the kitchen sink, singing her usual random songs and blaming the baby for the all the disruption in the household routine and the fact that her parents don’t seem to notice her like they used to.When a new baby comes home, another child in the family may experience mixed emotions. He loves the new baby, but mixed with the love and natural tenderness toward a smaller, more vulnerable being are feelings of jealousy and anger for which the child has no name. These feelings are frightening and confusing:
Mommy says I’m good when I’m nice to the baby. But when he cries I want to smoosh him under the pillow. I must be very bad.
At this age, a child needs you to help him develop the communication tools he needs to keep his emotions from controlling his behavior. So start with Frances, who looks different on the outside but seems to be struggling with the same feeling.
In the book, when Frances’ parents grab the chance to reassure her, their child’s anxiety is relieved. Reading her story gives you a chance to reassure your own child, and – if the time seems right – to go on to talk about the issue closer to home. How does she feel about the new baby? What can she do when she feels left out and blue? Why, come and tell Mommy or Daddy you need a hug too!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fun Stuff
One way to get your displaced child feeling less displaced is to give him or her some new skills to feel more grown up about. Now might be a good time to develop some cooking skills: try The Everything Kids’ Cookbook for a good kid-friendly introduction. Add a few sighs like “Gee, I’m glad we have someone in the family old enough to cook!” and watch your child shine!
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
Comments
I have never really understood this issue. We are due with our 6th baby next month and we have never really experienced this. In our home we teach the little ones to embrace the new baby and even though sometimes they don't understand before the baby comes, they get it afterwards. Each child has seemed to take things in line with their personality. The worse I have experienced is that my child who has a strong personality would come love on the babies but run off and be by herself (something she does ALL the time anyway, I think she got it from me!). I think sometimes parents stress over jealousy so much that the children pick up on it. In our house, having a baby is getting a special gift from God and the arrival of each little one is embraced from everyone.
I think that it is neat though how Jasmine dealt with it. I have seen sibling jealousy that has gotten out of control. Jasmine must have had a good head on her shoulders to do something so creative with her hurt feelings.
Posted by: Mrs. Damian Garcia | March 19, 2007 1:01 PM
thank you barbara! thank you for all of this! so much good stuff here...i am coming back and back again to keep rereading to get it good in my head. it's funny because Julia was the last one i expected jealousy issues from, i expected them from Megan, my "used to be baby", Julia is my oldest, but was only 14 months when megan was born, so theoretically this IS her first time welcoming a new baby that she remembers. the ideas to introduce new big girl things is wonderful...i think she will really latch onto that. i will be in touch to let you know how it all pans out. ;)
thank you again and God bless,
kristy in england
Posted by: Kristy | March 19, 2007 6:20 PM
Thanks for information on understanding why a child may be upset by the change of a new sibling and the constructive ideas. We will be welcoming our second child this summer and though I see my 3 y.o. is already excited about "ice cream baby" (or else his nickname would have probably been "poopy baby" as these two terms are very intriguing to DS right now) I don't expect that it will all be smooth, nor do I worry it means they will never have the love of siblings.
Posted by: Alison | March 19, 2007 11:41 PM
