March 27, 2007 11:55 AM
Reader Q&A: Raising Boys
Hey y'all.
I'm getting my best southern voice together since I'm leaving tomorrow for a week in California. I will be teaching/critiquing at the Mount Hermon Christian Writers Conference. Today I am really rushing around trying to get myself together and to leave my family in the best possible shape. Once I get there, I will be able to blog more about what's going on.
In the meaintime, I'm clearing my Inbox (though I will be able to check email while I'm there) and promised Ami of Cup Runneth Over that even though I didn't have time to answer this now, there'd be plenty of readers out there with advice on raising boys:
Hi, Barbara.I have been following your blog for a few months. Wow, how I admire you for raising TWELVE! I am the mommy of three boys that God has blessed us with via adoption.
My husband and I are scratching our heads today over an issue with our eldest, who will be 4 next month, and I thought I would ask you for some advice, tips, or whatever you might be able to share with me. Liam is a good boy. He's bright, sweet, well-mannered but very energetic! Now, being energetic is not a problem, but the problem we're having is keeping him busy enough all the time. For instance, as soon as he finishes a meal, if he's not given a specifice task or activity, then he will immediately be in trouble (running through the house, rough play with brothers, etc.). Or, when we return to the house after running errands, if I don't give him something to do right away, he will immediately be in trouble. My question is this...with a 4 year-old, is it normal for him to always, always, at every moment need a task or activity? I hope this doesn't seem too silly!
Perhaps it would help you if I share some of the different activities that we use: book reading (with mommy and alone), room time (45 minutes of independent play with Legos, trains, cars), school time (about an hour of structured "work" time with me to practice skills such as letters, counting, etc.), outdoor play (swing set, ball, bike, etc.). Some other things that we use: beads, lace-up cards, play dough, paint, coloring, age-appropriate computer games. I am a rather structured individual, and my parenting certainly follows that. If it is perfectly normal to expect him to need to be busy at every waking moment, then perhaps you can share some ideas on using his energy more appropriately.
You might be thinking that he's ADHD. I don't believe so. It's not as if he's hyper. He's a busy boy, but I don't think his energy level is abnormal. What I think might be abnormal is his need for constant redirection.
Any help you could give me would be very much appreciated!
Ami
Will let you know in the next few days how things are going at Mt. Hermon - where, btw, I will get to meet one of the first women bloggers to welcome me when I started MommyLife a little over two years ago: Mel, of Actual Unretouched Photo and the Amazing, Shrinking Mom. Boy, am I excited about that!
Comments
I have three boys, two of whom are just as you described. The best money we EVER spent was getting a trampoline (with a safety net around it, of course). They can jump, jump, jump all that extra energy out.
Don't under-estimate the need of a little boy for intense physical activity. Encourage him to develop his "active gifts" by learning to run really well by running laps around the yard, or even doing push-ups or jumping jacks.
Posted by: Rocks in my Dryer | March 27, 2007 12:50 PM
I am looking forward to meeting you, Barbara!
(And I wonder if this mom has unrealistic expectations of boy's behavior. If my boys didn't run through the house and wrestle, I'd think something was wrong with them.)
Posted by: Mel | March 27, 2007 12:54 PM
I also have a very active 4-year-old boy. He's been that way since infancy; he didn't like to sleep and needed constant attention. I wouldn't say it's "typical". Compared to most of my friends' same-age sons, my son needs more redirection, more structure, more activities, more attention and more interaction to be happy. He's extremely extroverted, extremely bright, and extremely busy! The fact that your son can play in his room for 45 minutes is a good sign. That's about how long my son can play alone with his toys as well, and it has been a long road to get him to that level. He craves interaction or an activity to occupy his mind, and if he doesn't get it from an adult or other child, he will make trouble to get some interaction (negative). That is why our discipline is either time-out or (the worst!) cleaning up, without my interaction. I repeat "nothing fun will happen until those cars are in the bin" and then ignore him and remove other children from his reach during that time. This straigtens him up in no time!
While I think it's not entirely "typical", I don't think my son is to the extent of "abnormal" or ADHD. If you don't feel your son is "abnormal" then he's probably just a high-energy, high-need version of "typical". However, it IS possible to be ADD, without being hyperactive. Children with ADD cannot focus, but are not hyperactive.
Honestly, the best solution I've found for my son is to get out of the house, and when we can't, to give an activity like the ones you mention. Is there something he really loves? My son will focus and play with water in the sink for an hour or more. He'll pour and dump and use different containers and generally make a huge mess, but he concentrates and learns a lot about pouring and hand/eye coordination in the process. If I'm desperate, I'll send him to do that. And, while it flies in the face of much of what Barbara says :), I've found that going to a small, mixed-age, understanding yet structured Christian preschool 5 mornings a week has worked wonders for him. He craves people like I've never seen. Needs them. Loves them. Needs people like he needs AIR. :) School helps fill him up without me going under with his crushing need. We also get out of the house a lot, going to museums, playgrounds, and other friends' houses. He's my oldest, and (so far) my other child is a 16 month old girl. She just kinda has to go for the ride, and she does fine.
Good luck!
Posted by: Jill (colicmommy) | March 27, 2007 1:04 PM
I don't have much experience raising boys yet (mine is 18m) but my mil raised six and always says, "With boys you have to keep them busy."
I would definitely try to find something active he could do inside for times when outside isn't an option. And keep him outside as much as possible!
Posted by: Queen of Carrots | March 27, 2007 1:31 PM
My dad always says that it is unnatural the way most people expect boys to stay still for extended amounts of time (as in a classroom). He half-jokes, but he means it when he says it just isn't natural for boys to not be allowed to run around and get their energy out-regularly. I'm happy to have his wit and wisdom raising my boys. My 4 year old craves constant attention/interaction. My 2 year old is more energetic but will find things to do, and then exclaim, "come play ___!" I find that with my 4 year old, the more attention I give him, the better chance he will give me a break later on. :) Find out what your son loves to do, and help him build that talent/adventure until the next comes along. I also second the trampoline and outdoor play idea. If you don't have a park nearby, maybe make one in your yard or create a mini-"exercise" area indoors. Walmart has a mini trampoline for $20, and the legs fold flat. It's great for rainy days!
Posted by: honey | March 27, 2007 2:57 PM
Perhaps so much structure is the problem; boys like to be free, and although I think it's awesome that you provide a lot of structured activities I also think that boys should be allowed to just be boys; just being a boy means running a lot, jumping, wrestling brothers (or dad) and a lot of other activities that are energetic and unstructured and even a little bit "unsupervised" so they can get their fill of independence. I'm not sugesting that you leave them alone to do as they please, but you could send them outside while you stay inside watching from your living room so as to make sure they don't get hurt. I like structure, but I think that too much of it could be a bad thing, specially for a boy.
Just my two cents.
Posted by: LadyLovas | March 27, 2007 5:28 PM
I'm with LadyLovas --- what struck me is how overly structured this boy's day seems to be --- and how most of the activities mentioned seemed a lot more suited to a very passive little girl, one who likes lots of "sit still" activities.
I've raised five boys, and they are all very different. Even my quietest and least active one of the bunch needed free time outside to run off steam...what I've called "getting his yah-yahs out."
One of the wonderful thing about raising boys is that it forces us as moms to think outside of our narrow boxes and to step outside of our comfort zones. We may be all about structure and quiet craft-like activities, and we may be bewildered that our boys crave action, adventure, and glorious freedom and creativity. Isn't it great that God sends us these special people to broaden our horizons?
As I've often said, my boys bring excitement to what would otherwise be a very boring home!
Posted by: Rebecca Prewett | March 28, 2007 12:43 AM
I have four sons and my first was exactly as you describe your boy! Swimming was the best thing for him. After that boy fought the water for an hour or so he came back much more compliant. All of them enjoyed swimming classes but for my oldest it really helped get out that extra energy.
He is now months away from being 18 and swims on the high school swim team. We are hoping he makes it to state next year!
Posted by: Elena | March 28, 2007 11:44 AM
I've really enjoyed reading these comments. For me, my high-energy kid is my daughter, who's 3, although I think my 16 mo. old son will be high-energy, too. He's always climbing and getting into things. But even my 5 yr old son has wiggles that need to get out. :) I have my kids run laps through our kitchen and dining room when it's not feasible for them to go outside. We have a large fenced yard, so I send them outside a lot! :) My daughter is both highly relational while also being highly active. Even when we play a game she really likes, like Jenga, she's running through the house when it's not her turn. I guess I just let her do that. We don't have a "no running in the house" policy.
One thing that works with my kids is telling them what the plan is going to be when we get home from the store, for example. It gives them clear expectations and then they're not as likely to rampage through the house as soon as we walk in. I also have a few stand-by chores for when I hear "I'm bored" or when the kids just need something to do. One is I give them damp washclothes and send them to wipe down doors, baseboards, cabinets, stair rails, etc. They love it and it makes them feel like they're helping. They also have their own floor sweepers so that they can sweep both hard floors and carpet. This is super handy with a toddler (since there are always crumbs on the floor!) and it keeps the older ones busy for a while! Playing in the sink is another time killer. In fact, if your situation allows it, why not just stick him in the bath? My kids will be in the bath for a half hour easily. I also do cleaning contests - who can pick up five toys the fastest. I do have a mini-trampoline and my kids love it!
I agree that it's really important to make sure that any kid, but especially a high-energy kid, is getting the wiggles out. While they certainly do need to learn to sit and control their bodies, giving them the freedom to move and run and jump will benefit them their whole lives. I know he's only four, but have you considered a sport, such as gymnastics or martial arts or even just classes at your local YMCA? I've heard a lot of good things about high-energy kids and martial arts (although you certainly need to do your homework).
Well, that's what I do with my kids. I hope something I've written helps you!
Posted by: Lucy | March 28, 2007 3:41 PM
Several thought on this. First, sports are great for a high energy kid. Nadia's parents put her in gymnastics because she kept breaking the beds and the couches by jumping on them. Trampolines are good if you can afford them. So are basketball hoops, soccer balls, baseballs and gloves, scooters, bikes and helmets.
Second, dogs are another good and fun way to expend a boy's energy. If you have a dog, let this boy take the dog for a walk. A bit of work teaching the boy to teach the dog to heel and do tricks will pay major dividends. If you do not have a dog or can not have one right now, look for a neighbors fat (plump) dog and offer to help your child walk the dog. A walk with the dog after dinner especially with a ball or stick to play catch will help.
Last, send the boy and his younger brother outside and have them pretend to capture the fort. Inside, let them build a fort, we used to use the cushions for the couch with blankets and the coffee table. Then, come in five or ten minutes later and play monster. Fee, Fie, Foo Fum.... then let them rebuild the fort.
I grew up with high energy brothers who became great athletes and wonderful men. I am now dealing with couch potatoes.
Posted by: Jane Duquette | March 28, 2007 8:30 PM
I have a 9 yr old son and one of the best things we did was to build a large sandbox in the backyard when he was about 3 yrs old. (My huband nailed 4 2x12 boards together and filled it with sand) He spent hours in it. He could not wait for it to get warm enough to get the water hose and make volcanos. There are many "hot wheel"cars buried in it too. He still goes out and plays in it with his 5 yr old sister.
Posted by: ohapizgud | March 29, 2007 6:01 AM
I've been thinking a lot about the question posted here since reading it yesterday. I have three boys as well, and am only one year ahead of you, so I can't speak from years and years of experience, just what I am learning right now. (My boys are 5, 3 and 8 months)
First, I think that perhaps some of what you are encountering has more to do with him being the eldest than being a boy. It sounds like he has a difficult time deciding how to entertain himself. You know how it is - with your firstborn you play with him all day long and read him books before he even knows how to sit up, you drop everything the moment that he first opens his mouth to cry. In retrospect I see that I trained my son to be entertained, not to entertain himself. My second and third boys do not have a hard time with entertaining themselves.
So, this year I have tried a variety of techniques in an attempt to teach my son to make good choices about his time. I really didn't like to see him moping about the house complaining when I was not playing with him. I found an empty oatmeal container and use it to keep 3x5 cards in it. Each 3x5 card has written on it a fun activity that my son can do on his own. At first he thought that it was really fun to reach into the oatmeal container and pull out one card. "Okay!" I'd say, "That's what you're going to do until the timer goes off! Then you can pick another card." After a while, and after seeing that he preferred some of the cards over others, my son began realizing that he would rather decide without the 3x5 cards. And that is fine with me.
My struggle was to bring some structure to his day and to help him to make choices on his own. It sounds like you are super organized, which is good, but perhaps your son is getting old enough to begin to take ownership for what he does for play. Give him some choices. Allow for rowdy times and quiet times. (My son's favorite card is "fort making." It makes a mess in the house because he takes apart the couch and gets every blanket in sight out...but I've had to learn to allow the mess) Take time earlier in the day to play with him, and let him get his "fix" of Time with Mommy. Use those opportunities to put on fun music and jump, clap and stomp. Or read a book together and then act it out. Remember the kinetic style of learning requires lots of movement!
About running around - I know one family (of 13 - 8 boys and 5 girls) that had some family preferences that were laid as groundwork in their home: "No roughhousing after dinner," and "You must ask permission to wrestle." I love those because they tell me that there was roughhousing and wrestling - but that it was at permissible times. Now the first 5 of these boys are out of the home - and are all very bright, wonderful young men. In fact, she told me that one particular son never sat still ever while he was young. He is one of their brightest and most academic sons today.
Finally, I would encourage you to pray and ask God to show you what your sons needs are - He is the One who created your son with such wonderful energy, and is the wise Heavenly Father who entrusted your son into your care. He will give you the grace and strength.
Posted by: Carole | March 29, 2007 11:13 AM
It sounds like you have a boy! I have 4 boys of my own, and grew up with all brothers. Most boys are very energetic and need an outlet. Outside free play is the best thing that you can give a growing boy - put him in play clothes and let him find sticks, rocks, dirt - he will! Save all of those structured activties for the rainy day that he is stuck inside and then keep em coming!
Also, when we have a rainy day in and even the activities aren't working, I give my boys a couple of sponges and a bucket of water. They then use that energy to scrub the kitchen floor (I started when my oldest was 4). Great way to use that energy inside and you will be surprised at how good of a job that they can do!
One other thing - if you are not used to boys, don't be afraid to let them get messy! Boys seem to thrive in it. Work to keep the dirt in a controlled area rather than eliminate it altogether - you will be much more successful and the boys won't be stressed!
Boys are high energy, but they can be a lot of fun! Oh and if he can stay in his room for 45 minutes at age 4 he is not ADHD or even ADD. As a former teacher, I have seen way too many boys mislabeled as such for just being boys!
Posted by: mom of boys | March 29, 2007 9:39 PM
I second everyone else who said let him have a lot of unstructured running around time. In about a year he will probably start to be able to play more in terms of imagination games and stuff like that, but in the meantime, let the boys wrestle, let them tear around outside, at the playground, in the living room. My husband comes home and wrestles with the kids for a good half hour most days, it's loud, hysterical, and good for all of them, even the Girl. We also send him to Judo classes several times a week to get out energy and to learn some self control.
MY son is very sweet and obedient and responsible but if I try to get him to go an entire day without being able to run off his excess energy he gets increasingly aggressive and sometimes rebellious as the day goes by. If he gets to play hard for a while, he is very easy to deal with the times when I need him to behave and help and do his chores, school, etc.
We have on rule that I find very handy in dealing with boys and since you have 3 it will probably be helpful. It started with my FIL who raised 6 boys, and two girls. "If you are playing rough, wrestling, etc., and you get hurt, you are not allowed to cry about it. IF you don't want to get hurt, don't play rough." Of course if they are seriously injured and blood is involved the rule is suspended. Also, we consider it the job of the bigger kids to be aware of and protect the little ones and only play rough with them if they want to but in rough play anything goes.
Posted by: carrien | March 30, 2007 3:02 PM
I come a very large extended family with many boys. I am also raising a boy. Boys need to be able to run and play using their imagination. Kids in general do not need to constantly have structure, or games to play. Children need to have the opportunity to use their imagination and invent their own games. My children pretend they are living in the wilderness and set up small tents build "camp fires" with sticks, pretend they are the box car children from the book series, they even pretend to be the Ingalls from the little house on the prairie. It is normal for boys to wrestle and rough house. You just need to teach them that the rough play has to be outside. Balls can only be thrown outside, try to limit most running to outside. Boys are like little puppies they like to roll around and wrestle thats just part of their development. It's what makes them the boys we love. Don't try to snuff their spirit by riening them in too much. Remember what you like will not be what they always like your a girl and they are boys. You said they are adopted. My son does not know his father and is so much like him. Your boys may be more active than your husband remembers being as a boy. Enjoy the adventures your boys take you on. You will experience things you never new existed before boys. You may learn you like nature more than you ever believe possible. You the snakes, frogs, lizards, toads etc.. I now watch for these little critters while I garden. Just last night I found 2 garder snakes. My son loves to look at them then let them go.
Posted by: Missy | April 3, 2007 11:18 AM
