April 9, 2007 5:48 PM
A rant that maybe only moms of kids with special needs will understand
Major crying behind and at the sniffling stage. I had a major blowup at the elementary school my three youngest sons with Down syndrome attend. I'm really shocked as we've been supportive parents for four years and there has never been a hint of trouble.
But things have been building up with a new teacher and school nurse this year who seem intent on calling me about every single little thing with my kids. Those of you without kids with special needs will never know the absolute torture of having your special kids scruntinized a thousand times more critically than your "normal" ones. Readers here in the same boat will understand exactly what I mean. Our kids have to be on much better behavior than others. And a runny nose or something - sheesh!!!
Spring break was a relief from the almost daily phone calls I've been receiving from the school nurse - for stuff as ridiculous as a tiny red spot on Daniel's chest (It didn't matter that it was perfectly flat and had been there for months or that he's had a chickenpox vaccination (yes, I know sometimes it doesn't work, but this didn't look remotely like a chickenpox)) - which makes you wonder why they were looking at his chest???. This morning I got a call because Jesse's hands were red (not the first time for this supposed "emergency"). Then a call at the close of school that Daniel had vomited and pressure that he shouldn't be put on the bus (the bus driver has said the assistant's health is frail so she shouldn't be exposed to germs - then why in the world does she have a job working with special needs kids????)
When I arrived to pick him up it turned out that Daniel had not vomited at all, but the teacher claimed he was gray and doubled over in pain. I went in the bathroom, where he had just had a normal experience with number two, and he looked absolutely fine.
There's more involved, but I need to go make dinner. Suffice it to say that I think this teacher has been trying to push one of my kids out of the school. She called in the vice principal in for a "conference." By this time I was crying yet all this guy had to say with his eyes bugging out and body language like he was waiting for the sound of the bell (wide world of wrestling) was that he was "offended" by my saying I felt that they were trying to get my kid out of school.
He was offended???? What a diplomat! He could have handled a volatile situation with some finesse and instead came in and poured gas on the fire. Absolutely the most unprofessional and sad encounter I've had in 15 years of dealing with school personnel while planning for the education of four kids. And the nurse and teacher just stood there with these smirky looks like "Man, what a nutcase mom" after months of harassment.
I have completely lost trust in the teacher and the school. As far as I'm concerned, I'll be homeschooling these three boys until further notice. A big plus of homeschooling: you never have to put up with crap (yes - I said crap and I mean it!) from public school bureaucrats.
But I am going to find out about filing formal complaints. I want to do what I can to keep other parents from having to put up with this kind of prejudice. Like I said, 12 kids and 15 years of experience with 4 special needs kids and scores of teachers and specialists and school personnel - and I have NEVER had a conflict like this. There is something seriously wrong here - and I just don't think it's me.
Anyway, sorry for the rant. I am just so mad at people who pretend to care about special needs kids and really don't at all. But why should I be surprised? Remember my neighbor who didn't want Jonny to come over and play basketball with her son who's in the same grade and rides the school bus with him? Then when I tried to approach her about it found out she was a former special ed teacher? Remember how shocked I was that someone would make a living off our kids and then would have nothing to do with them in off-hours?
Uh-oh. I'm tearing up again. It's a harsh world sometimes. My problem is I'm too much of an idealist and keep thinking it will be better.
Posted in Disabilities, Loudoun County | Permalink
Comments
I'm sorry with you and for you over all this. I wish I were there to fix your dinner so you could go have a bath and soak away the sorrows for today... you'll have enough heartache in the morning when you have to make a decision as to what to do next. I don't have "special needs" kids, but I sure ache when things happen to or around them and they are falsely accused or someone hurts or takes advantage of them or whatever. Anyway... I'm sorry for the pain and angst of the day and I pray the LORD will just scoop you up and carry you through. with love, pamela
Posted by: pamela | April 9, 2007 7:16 PM
Barbara.
I hope this turns out well for you and your son. We all want our children to learn that there are so many different people in the world and that we all have something awesome to offer! I know Ill be teaching my children that.
Shannon in Austin :)
Posted by: Shannon best | April 9, 2007 7:23 PM
Oh Barbara, that is so sad. I used to teach public school before homeschooling my own children and I know that things always seem to get worse at the end of the year. Kids are restless, teachers are exhausted, and the testing and paperwork are hanging over everyone's heads.
Just be thankful that God has allowed you to see what is going on. Although it's painful to see, it's better than not knowing.
Posted by: Nancy-The Unlikely Homesteader | April 9, 2007 7:37 PM
Oh, Barbara, I'm so sorry! At least they are going to have a really excellent and caring teacher in the future!
Posted by: Michelle Potter | April 9, 2007 7:46 PM
wow Barbara! I am amazed at this...why in the world would this woman be teaching special kids if she doesn't enjoy them? amazing.
I know you'll do what's right, and what God wants you to do.
Good Luck!
Posted by: millicent | April 9, 2007 8:06 PM
Idealists are the people who dare to dream a better future for us all; don't ever lose that dream.
And I am so sorry about today. What a waste of time for all of you, and so much of what you describe, I have found to be true, too. We have a long way to go before the world sees children firts, diagnoses second. It's a hard road.
But you're not alone!
I know tomorrow will be a better day. I'll keep a good thought for you for strength, and clarity.
Posted by: jennifergg | April 9, 2007 8:06 PM
As a teacher, I am so discouraged by school staff like the ones you encountered. Just remember for every one like that, there are others you think your child is wonderful and thank God that they had the opportunity just to know him! I pray that the Lord lift up your family and may He help the school personnel find compassion and patience (or a new occupation!).
Posted by: Chris | April 9, 2007 8:22 PM
There is nothing I can say...I am only beginning the foray into the public school system with my first child, and I don't have special needs children. But just reading what you wrote, even I, who doesn't know the experiences you go through daily, can see that they are singling out one or more of your family. I will pray that God's hands come into play here and guide you AND the school to do what is right by your children. You've done the best by seeking out a good education for them and for advocating for them. Now it's time for the school to step up.
Posted by: Linda | April 9, 2007 8:56 PM
My daughter has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and I have spoken on a parent's panel and on a radio show as a "expert" in FASD. My only claim to expertise is parenting...
Anyway, I homeschool and have been asked how I can do it. My answer is always the same, "Nothing, and I mean nothing, I have done since I started homeschooling my daughter has sapped me of my energy as much as one IEP meeting.
So sorry you have had a bad experience. Unfortunately, I think your experience with special needs kids is the rule rather than the exception.
Posted by: Julie | April 9, 2007 9:00 PM
Barbara, I don't usually comment a lot, but I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for your experience. I hope things work out. People can be really thoughtless and cruel sometimes.
Posted by: Rachel | April 9, 2007 9:38 PM
Have been through all of that, they used to send Sissy home at least once a year for "pink eye," (which she has never actually had,) and make me take her to the doctor before she could come back.
Her hands and feet become discolored in the cold, the school sent her home and told me to take her to the doctor, who had me race her to the cardiologist, (3 hour round trip,) who told me she just had mottled skin, and for me not to worry about it.
Our worst when Sissy was 8 she had a bad day and a crummy attitude and at some point told the teacher, (or was led to say it,) that I had hit her, next thing I knew there was a child abuse investigator at my door!
Posted by: Rose | April 9, 2007 10:19 PM
I have a special needs guy of a different variety. I know what you mean. Hugs to you...
Posted by: marian | April 9, 2007 10:37 PM
I'm so sorry, Barbara. I don't have a special needs child - but you have certainly opened my eyes and heart to the loveliness of the "least" of these.
Hugs -
Holly
Posted by: Holly | April 9, 2007 10:55 PM
Barbara,
I know how you feel...I am a former schoolteacher (special ed) and have a child with special needs. So, I am one who loves to be with children that have a disability, which is why it made me so sad to witness other teachers' insensitivity to the children they taught each day. I am sorry you had to experience this today and I do pray that you will see a peaceful resolution to the situation.
Posted by: christy | April 9, 2007 11:14 PM
Hi Barbara,
I'm an idealist with a special child too; so I know a tiny bit how you might feel. Maybe. My little ones aren't school aged yet, and I am planning to homeschool, but I have been through Early Intervention. So I know that feeling like you keep getting punched in the stomach, wind knocked out of you, and idealist that you are, it keeps happening, yet you are surprised every time. Is that something like you feel? Don't give up the idealism. :) It spreads joy to others and keeps you hope-filled. :) I'll be praying for you in this situation.
Posted by: Honey | April 9, 2007 11:15 PM
i'm thinking of you this evening...........i think it is ok for you to be angry...you will soften and be clear in the morning.
Posted by: sheri | April 9, 2007 11:33 PM
Many,many hugs to you Barbara. I've been there with both my youngest two boys who have differing special needs. I always tell myself that teachers are just like any other people, you are going to get good and bad....but somehow it always shocks me that someone who has chosen to work with children as their profession can be so discriminatory and so lacking in love for the whole child.
Posted by: Sue | April 10, 2007 4:25 AM
Barbara,
My heart goes out to you and your kids. Just on Saturday I posted on my blog something similar about being judged by people you expect to know better, act better, and be better!
I am praying for your family. Hang in there!
Michelle
Posted by: Michelle | April 10, 2007 5:07 AM
Big hugs to you and the boys. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do in this situation for your sake and the sake of the boys. Somewhere inside me an old fear began to resurrect, as I will be dealing with public schools in september for the first time ever. I already feel like "momma hen" right now, ready to protect my boy from any teacher, nurse and principal I might encounter. I know they are some good ones out there, but situations like this makes you feel like they are all the same. Hope you have a good day today. Blessings to you and yours.
Posted by: LadyLovas | April 10, 2007 7:39 AM
Barbara, at least your children (and others!) have you: an articulate, passionate, experienced, worldly woman with a platform and audience, as an advocate.
Maybe God placed you there for a reason.
Posted by: Marsha | April 10, 2007 9:50 AM
I have always said the hardest part of having a child with DS is other people, not the actual child. Our worst experiences of prejudice have been with doctors, but that's probably only because we homeschool.
I'm sorry you and your children were treated in such a shabby manner, but I'm afraid I'm not surprised. I hope today will be a much better day!
Posted by: Jill | April 10, 2007 10:18 AM
Oh geez. I'm so sorry this happened. Our situation wasn't nearly as dire but we've had some rough spots with public school *and* neighbors as well. She no longer goes to public school and, well, the neighbor boy is quite nice but his mom! We are polite strangers and that works for me.
It's like they think LDs are catching.
Posted by: Spring | April 10, 2007 11:47 AM
You've been on my mind all morning; hope your day is going alright. You know what I just thought of: so much for the "tolerance" they are always trying to push down our throats; I guess tolerance is only an issue when it comes to a certain other group of individuals, not the ones most in need of it. What a world we live in!
Posted by: LadyLovas | April 10, 2007 12:04 PM
Barbara,
I too, will be dealing with the school board for the first time this fall with Will. I have heard many stories about experiences with teachers/therapists etc. I've been forwarned and have prepared myself for what lies ahead. I think I will still be dumbfounded when the day comes, but parents like you do make the trip a little easier for newer parents with such high expectations.
I hope you recover from this latest trial quickly and move on to a better place for you and the boys.
God bless,
Kelly
Posted by: Kelly | April 10, 2007 1:49 PM
It certainly makes me appreciate the teachers and aides that my children enjoy at school.
I know how hard it can be as I have two autistic boys myself and people's words and deeds [or silence] cut deep.
You should be proud of how you coped.
Best wishes
Posted by: mcewen | April 10, 2007 10:09 PM
My sister pulled my nephew out of PPCD, special-ed for over three year olds, because of a very insensitive teacher also. She constantly yelled at the children, most all of whom had autism or DS. Eli had just started walking at the age of three, we praised God, she griped about how "SLOOOOW" he was.
My son has Angelman Syndrome, he just graduated out of early intervention in January and I decided to homeschool, out-patient therapy him. I get so much flack about it, like I am cheating him of some wonderful thing, but I get the same stuff about my 14 year old also so I'm used to it. I just cannot imagine sending my non-verbal child to a place with people I know nothing about to spend the majority of his day with. My nephew is non-verbal also, he couldn't tell his mom the teacher yelled at and belittled him, it's was just heartbreaking.
All that to tell you I'm can relate, and I'm very, very sorry that you and Daniel had to go through that! I hate that the princpal was no help to you the most, he should know better. I have a very good friend who is a principal of an public elementary school, he taught second grade for years before that, and he has always told me the whole tone of any school is set by the principal. Too bad your kiddos don't go to his school! He's awesome and has a brother and nephew with DS, and has the best PPCD program in the district! He would never tolerate that kind of behaviour from his teachers!
Hugs for you and Daniel!!!
Posted by: Yvonne | April 11, 2007 1:19 AM
Thanks everyone! Just gearing up for the visit by Daniel's family - the sweetest thing: Becky from my church made cookies and brought them over yesterday because she knew I wouldn't be up to a lot of food prep for the occasion. Thanks, Becky!
One thing I want to make clear is that it was the vice principal who was belligerent and thought we should focus on his feelings of being "offended" - which he repeated three times. The principal has always been very courteous and respectful to me, but she didn't get involved - in fact has not returned my husband's email and phone calls. I think there's been a lot of gossip at the school and that the teacher has turned people against me. Sad.
I have an appointment tomorrow with someone in administration to discuss this. Will talk to some advocacy groups today before Daniel's family arrives.
Will keep you posted.
Posted by: barbara | April 11, 2007 7:49 AM
First I want to say I am sorry for the way you were treated. I have a 3yr old daughter with ds, and she is just now starting the preschool program. So far things have been good, but I have always feared what we have in store as the years go on.
Posted by: Jessica | April 11, 2007 1:12 PM
Dear Barbara,
I'm sorry you're hurting. I do not have special needs children but I do have a preschooler who attends a program. I too have had extremely frequent calls from my daughters' school this year to come get her because she has a rash or appears sick in one way or another. Frequently it has turned out to be nothing but I have still been required to keep her out of school until I can produce a note from a physician. It can be tiring. I assume that like my young child, your children cannot always tell their teacher when they are feeling bad. I know that preschool teachers and special ed. teachers must be under some pressure to look for signs of illness in the children in their care because they are responsible for the health of these little people in the absence of their parents. I can see how this could make some people in that position over-refer or error on the side of caution rather than wind up in the horrifying position of having to answer the question, "Why didn't you tell somebody about the (insert ailment) before it was too late?" Unlike you, however, I have never assumed that the frequent calls were made because the teachers did not like my children or the career they had chosen. I pray that you will give your experiences more prayerful thought and come to a place where you can engage in a dialogue with your childrens' teacher about your feelings. God Bless!
Posted by: Rachel | April 12, 2007 11:11 AM
Sorry I'm just getting around to reading this and commenting...
I'm glad you posted this. I've been getting flak from our school about our son (his IEP specifically says he should not go to the nurse unless he is really sick. He has a tendency to be a hypochondriac.)
In the last month, he's been sent home for red eyes, a "fever" of 99.2 (I wasn't home to take the call for that one, so they called the emergency contact to come get him!), being sleepy, coughing, and throwing up. Except he didn't throw up, and when I asked him, he said he told his teacher his tummy felt funny from bouncing on the bus. Oh, but if they miss more than 10 days of school in the ENTIRE year they can be retained.
I thought I was the only one...
Glad to hear your boys have a Mama Bear in their corner who won't take crap but will do whatever it takes to solve the problem (of their education being interfered with).
Posted by: Milehimama | April 12, 2007 9:58 PM
(((HUGS)))
Hope it gets better from here!
Posted by: Jessica | April 28, 2008 1:36 AM
