April 19, 2007 8:48 AM
Advice for moms who want to be writers
From my inbox:
Dear Barabara,I wanted to write to you because I saw an article in the paper that my mother in law gave to me and feel that you may have some words of advise or suggestions for me on my situation.
I am 30 years old, a stay at home mom with a 4month old and a nearly 4year old. I am trying to finish a degree in ECE but at this point that looks like I won't be able to start that back up fully until 2010 (on-line classes aside).
Between daughters t-balls, swimming, and possibily ballet, and son's little gym classes, not to mention house work, family time, husband time (very important), exercising, college classes, and just being able to relax a little, I want to start writing a book about my family's history. I spoke with a publisher on my notes and ideas and he believes that it would do well, but I have to find the time. I don't want a ghost writer to write it because this is a personal account.
What I am writing to you about is how you managed to get it all done and still have the time to write. Did you have paid help? The closest family we have is an hour away.
I am sure that you are very busy and I am not in any way comparing myself to you with only 2 kids, but I was wondering how you did it? Well, kid #2 is crying so I gotta go!
Because I get questions like this a lot, I am posting this because it speaks to the yearnings in our hearts to do something creative, something "more." I hope you understand that I am not being patronizing. I marvel at what God has done in my life because once I surrendered my life to motherhood, I never expected nor asked for anything more. My writing career has come as a complete surprise to me. And actually, as involved in writing as I am, you might be surprised to know how lightly I hold it, ready to let it go at a moment's notice if God decides this season of my life is over. I actually did spend a year not writing at all because God removed it from my life - and I found I was perfectly content.
But that's the secret isn't it? Learning to be content with the life God has for us, moment by moment?
Here is what I wrote back to this young mother/future writer:
Timing is everything. I think sometimes we feel called to do something, but God is only preparing our hearts for something that won't materialize for a long time.I was 46 when I started writing. After a rather chaotic start to my motherhood, I had spent 13 years devoting myself exclusively to my family. My house was in order and my children had been raised to be self-reliant and helpful members of our family team. We had a strong foundation.
In retrospect, I appreciate God's perfect timing. I can see how crazy it would have been if I had decided when my children were young to become a writer. My family would have suffered tremendously and none of my now-adult kids would have been who they are today. I would have as well, as there were spiritual and emotional lessons I needed to learn before I was ready to share any insights with others.
There is also a craft to writing which people tend to underestimate because we all "write." But professional writing - writing something someone is willing to pay to read - takes a great deal of unlearning some of the stuff we think we know about writing. It also takes a serious amount of discipline and practice, which leads me to compare it to becoming a professional musician.
My advice would be to relax and enjoy your life now, being open to all the lessons you will be learning along the way. Put others' needs before your own for a season and I believe God will bless you beyond your wildest dreams.
That's what he's done for me.
love,
barbara
Posted in Mothering, Writing | Permalink
Comments
I'm a SAHM and part-time writer. I do science and medical writing, about 10 hrs/wk. I'm well paid for it. As Barbara says, writing does take a lot of serious work. It's also good to keep the hold very light. I have turned down many, many very well-paying projects because my family needed more of me at a certain time or week or month. I've turned down assignments when my mom was coming, so we could just hang with the kids. I've turned down work in the month before and the 4 months after having my babes. Hold it lightly!
But, I think I'll disagree that you can't write a little when kids are young. I have a 4 yr old boy and 1.5 year old girl...and (shhhhhh....a very new one on the way...we just found out!!!) :) I still write, but I remember what comes first: My God and My Family.
We do send our son to preschool, so I get a few hours in during that time, but as a family we would have sent him regardless of me writing or not. My kids go to bed early; I write in the evening. My dh takes the kids to play at a playground (indoor or outdoor) on Sat. morning; I cram and jam and work seriously hard in those 2-3 hours. The one concession we've made expressly for my writing is a housecleaner. She comes 2 times per month, at a cost of 170/month. The amount I make in the time she takes to clean 2 times a month (about 6 hours of work) is way, way above that, so it's feasible. Plus, I get energized by writing, but I get exhausted by housecleaning. My dh and I made that call together, but he was very encouraging about it.
Other than the housecleaner, I'll tell you what I've given up: "me time". I don't have it. When my dh takes the kids on the weekend for a couple hours, I'm not at the gym, I'm not at the mall, I'm not at the salon, I'm not reading a book; I'm writing. I see writing as my "me time". I love to write, even stuff most non-physicians would find boring! We didn't give up couple time; I don't give up kid time during the week; I don't give up my devotional time. So I made a choice.
That being said, you are ALREADY working at classes. With what you've listed, I think you've maxed out, most likely. Your classes are probably taking the place of my writing. You can try dabbling in writing for 1 or 2 hours per week, maybe, but I don't see room for you to do 10 hrs if you are taking classes. You just have to choose what it is you want.
HTH!
Jill
Posted by: Jill (colicmommy) | April 19, 2007 9:26 AM
"God is only preparing our hearts for something that won't materialize for a long time....."
that lines REALLY resonates with me. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: suzanne | April 19, 2007 10:16 AM
Jill -
Those are excellent observations. We're not made from cookie cutters and I can only share my experience - however, I know I'm seeing the results of all the hours I poured into the early character formation of my kids and I wouldn't trade anything for that experience.
And btw, when I did start making money from writing, I did invest in housecleaning help. But I'm glad that didn't happen until after my kids had learned to help me take care of the house themselves. Currently, I have someone come in every other week for a thorough cleaning.
Suzanne - I probably should have said "God is only preparing our hearts for something that might not materialize for a long time....."
as I don't really know what God's plan is for others. I can only share my own experience and the lessons I've learned from my mistakes (of which there are plenty) and the times I got it right - which in this case I believe I did as far as God's plan for my life was concerned.
Posted by: barbara | April 19, 2007 10:34 AM
Just a thought: for a long time I would read Proverbs 31, and feel like an utter failure because I couldn't do everything! My goodness, just reading all she did made my head spin and then I would have a headache! :)
Not until I heard a sermon on Seasons of Life (a lesson from Ecclesiastes) did I finally think that maybe the Proverbs 31 woman accomplished all this at different seasons over her whole lifetime. Being the practical and realistic thinker that I am, this made sense to me.
I've had many life experiences over the last 47 years...but thank God I didn't try to experience them all at the same time! I have to agree with Barbara that timing (God's timing) IS everything!
Posted by: Pat | April 19, 2007 11:24 AM
Please, just take this as I mean it: caring suggestions from a sahm who is in the same boat.
I think that years of militant feminism training has caused us to think that we only have until we 40, 50 at the very latest to make anything of our lives. We get into such a hurry to leave our print in this world, that we have a tendency to overlook the ones who will carry on our footprint generations after we are gone. I dealt with this. I am 28. Our oldest is 5.5 yrs. I was one of the most likely to succeed from my high school. I went to college. I was going to turn the literary world on its ear. I made the only perfect score on a state-wide writing exam and my major was history. Shouldn't I be writing great historical novels?
Then God began working in my heart. I was being selfish. My focus should be on our 3 precious blessings now. But He didn't take away that desire or my ability. Instead, He is showing me how it will work out for me in His timing for His glory! I can journal down some of my thoughts for books. I can file away information that would be useful later. I am reading great classical works, fiction and non. All while God is using me to teach my children. (You know as you read to your children, you begin to see what good writing is and what slop is sometimes published that will only be here for a short while!)
Now, I am by no means saying this is God's will for you. I am no prophet. I am just suggesting that since you are just 30, that you give God more time to develop you and your story. Maybe you could think of it this way, God is still writing the history of your family as you raise those precious children. So, maybe your book would not be complete until they have grown? Only suggestions from what God has been showing me!
Posted by: Sara | April 19, 2007 12:13 PM
I have only one six-month-old so far, and she takes naps and plays happily by herself enough each day that I can do a little professional writing (marketing and pro-life stuff, mostly). But I can easily see that as soon as I have a second child (and hopefully many more!), writing for pay will most likely slip out of my life for a good long time.
If I can give any advice to this mom, it would be to "write every day," or at least several times a week, even if it's only a little scrap of writing, advice I always heard growing up but didn't really follow till I started blogging. I've seen an improvement in my writing in the year and a half I've been blogging from the daily discipline of coherently putting my thoughts into written words.
Chances are she has papers for her classes, so she could focus her writing on that. Study grammar books and read good writing. These small disciplines will prepare your tools for the time when God may use them in the future.
Posted by: Becky Miller | April 19, 2007 12:21 PM
I recently blogged on Practice as Service, where, in summary, my feeling matched Barbara's:
Writing is like music, and daily writing is like the "invisible work" of daily scales, solidifying your ability until the "real" performance comes.
Something that worked well for my family (and my desire to write) was doing NaNoWriMo(.org) last year.
With my husband's cooperation I had 30-days to neglect housekeeping and cooking to some extent and write a novel.
I ended up with 95 pages that I have since been working back through at a much slower pace, but I've now had the experience of writing that much and it was *very* educational.
Having that much to work with has made my times of noveling more purposeful, too.
Dittos about Jill's writing serving as personal time. It's not fair to ask my husband for both.
His only resistance/reality-check has been to ask me to remember the house and children are my primary job, which is easy enough most of the time.
Posted by: Amy Jane | April 19, 2007 5:17 PM
....and this is why I love you!
~Jody
Posted by: Jody | April 20, 2007 9:19 AM
This is wonderful advice, Barbara. So good, so true. Thank you for sharing these types of things with us!
Posted by: Holly | April 20, 2007 8:35 PM
I have always known that God made me a writer. I remember the line in "Chariots of Fire", "God made me fast, and when I run, I can feel His pleasure". That is how I have always felt when I write, however, I too, had a busy season of mothering the last 14 years, and now things are a bit quieter. I have also grown so much in my walk with the Lord through dedication to my role as wife, and homeschooling mom, that I have a more mature faith.
As the mom of a five year old with Down syndrome, I can also share the concerns of special mothers, in fact it was on this very subject that I have just published my first paid article at 44 in "Faith and Family" magazine.
Before this I honed my skills by writing pro-life letters to the editor, and articles for my church magazine. My career began six months ago, when I began my two blogs. I am sometimes overwhelmed by the reaction my blogging has received, it is a powerful force for change in this culture.
Nevertheless, I hope to develop the sense of detachment from writing that Barbara has, as my children are still young, and after all, it's all about serving God, not about my personal fulfillment.Remember, you are raising children for eternity, and have faith that if God wants you to write, it will be in His perfect time.
Posted by: Leticia | April 21, 2007 10:45 PM
This is great. I have always written...something, but never realized that I could make $ doing it. Your many advice from you ladies can be invaluable for those of us just starting out in this cool journey of words.
Thanks for taking the time to share.
Ebeth
Posted by: Ebeth | April 25, 2007 5:32 PM
