April 23, 2007 6:18 AM
Mothering and personality types
I'm going to a wonderful Bible study by Beth Moore - Breaking Free. And btw, if you ever have a chance to go to a Beth Moore Bible study, all I can say is GO!
It's a very small group - only 8 of us - so we've done some really deep sharing. Last week the subject of moms being too hard on themselves because - well, because a mom was being too hard on herself, expecting herself to be different than who she was. I promised to rerun this entry from last year:
Sallie at A Gracious Home wrote a piece that got me thinking the other day - so I thought maybe you'd like to think along with me :)It's about the Personality Types and mothering style. Sallie had come across an article on this subject, which I've never heard anyone address, but often thought of myself. Hmm, which leads me to wonder why I didn't try writing it myself - oh, that's right, I have other things I'm working on. So many articles, so little time!
I'll start by saying right up front that I am an ENTJ, which seems a rarity among blogger/moms - and actually, though there are 16 personality types, ENTJ make up only 5% of the population. Which is a good thing, as you will soon see :).
You Are An ENTJ
The Executive
You are a natural leader - with confidence and strength that inspires others.
Driven to succeed, you are always looking for ways to gain, power, knowledge, and expertise.
Sometimes you aren't the most considerate person, especially to those who are a bit slow.
You are not easily intimidated - and you have a commanding, awe-inspiring presence.
You would make a great CEO, entrepreneur, or consultant.
What you need to know is that this is a personality type that leads to dictators. In fact, it is referred to as Field Marshal. Okay, I know that sounds bad, but I was fortunate to have a pretty yucky encounter in 1990 with a Christian cult leader who had the same personality type. Since then I've applied what I learned from that experience to an intense effort (because everything I do is intense) to root out the most negative aspects of my personality and to learn from other personality types - like my daughter Jasmine, who is opposite of me in many ways - to become a more balanced person. In other words, I have mellowed out considerably.
Still, I am an ENTJ, and my personality type/mothering style is described in the article Sallie read - which I found here - like this:
The Executive Mother (ENTJ): This mom organizes the needs and schedules of the whole family. Within her system, she provides her kids with direction and limits, but also gives them space to develop independence. A problem-solver, she listens to her kids' concerns and then strategizes with them about how to improve the situation — either by intervening on their behalf or letting them do it on their own. Stay-sane tip: You need to realistically examine — and then reject — the myth of the Supermom. Accept your vulnerabilities, and you'll enjoy parenting more.This is so absolutely true of me! Yet I know it is not true of other moms. My daughter Jasmine, for example (I use her because she is a good example :) has a completely different mothering style than I. I often wish I could be more cuddly and nurturing, but I figure God has different plans for different kids and so he needs different moms to get the job done.
Anyway, if you know your Myers-Briggs type, I'd love to hear if your type and mothering style lines up with you.
This Myers-Briggs stuff is not some far-out weirdness, but a really great tool for understanding your own strengths and weaknesses as well as those of other members of your family. In fact, while the test has its Christian critics, who seem to see it as akin to astrology - other Christians have drawn the connection between understanding your inborn nature and the Christian mandate to improve your character, becoming more balanced and conformed to Christ:
The Use of the Myers/Briggs Instrument in Sanctification of Life and Marriage Relationships.
Psychological Type and Christian FaithOur whole family has taken the test. The results have not surprised us, but affirmed what God had already shown us about ourselves. Interestingly, Ben (who studies opera) and Maddy (who wants to sing on Broadway) have personality types labeled The Entertainer. In our family (including Tripp, me, 12 kids, 2 sons in law and 10 grandkids (Hattie hadn't married Josh and wasn't here that day)) of those old enough to take the test only a few of us were introverts - which I guess is why our house is always so hectic and noisy.
It has also helped us learn to understand and respect each other without taking differences so personally. As I mentioned, Jasmine and I are almost complete opposite personality types. And while I was late to understand the pressure that put on our realtionship, I truly appreciate now how having a Field Marshal mom could threaten a daughter with a more gentle spirit. Jasmine has also come to enough understanding that she doesn't take our differences personally. We can laugh about some stuff that used to be painful - as when she told me recently how the last time we were at a play and I asked the woman behind us to take her screaming baby out, her stomach knotted up.
Do you see what I mean about how valuable a tool this can be for a mom - learning to understand her own personality and her husband's and her children's - and then asking God for wisdom and guidance in applying that understanding? My conversation with Jasmine was possible because we had some communication tools to help us through it. There's no superior or inferior when it comes to personality types - just God's different designs created for different purposes.
A more serious place to take the test is Human Metrics. And here is a site that offers a much more in-depth analysis of the Myers-Briggs, including portraits of children according to types, strengths and weaknesses and character issues: Lifexplore.
I know this is a lot of information, but I am curious to hear what you think!
The fact that Jasmine has since stopped speaking to me - because she can't accept who I am - makes this more poignant. But I have realized that age is sometimes the only thing that helps us accept who we are and who others are as well.
God didn't make us from cookie cutters.
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Comments
I am probably more like your daughter. I am a INFP which sounds like the opposite of you (except for the N).
I am really not the go-go-go type at all. I really have a hard time staying on task. I am a daydreamer and I find doing things to be an annoying distraction from what I would much rather be doing- namely laying around soaking up sun and contemplating life.
I really enjoy fleshly pleasures such as food, sun, music, movies, books, etc. I have a hard time staying away from them for very long.
I am extremaly sensitive to confronation. I am a real "peacemaker" type. I want everybody to be happy and jolly all-the-time. I am so ridiculous about it that I started taking martial arts as a kind of assertiveness training.
I guess what my strengths are as a christian is things like unconditional love. I am really forgiving and understanding of most character flaws. Every once in a while I come across a character trait that is harder for me to tolerate (like extreme arrogance) but for the most part I can get along with anybody no matter how horrible of a sinner they are. Because of this I have heavily considered a prison ministry.
As far as parenting I have a hard time accomplishing goals and I have one child who is an extreme extrovert and he is a little difficult for me to cope with. He is very talkative and hyper and he really doesn't like the fact that I daydream so much. In fact he tries to teach me a lesson for not constantly being on-the-ball by doing things that are sneaky. I am slowly learning. :)
Posted by: paigeu | April 23, 2007 1:08 PM
I am an ISFJ. I remember reading Sallie's post about personality and mothering style last summer when I was 6 months pregnant. It helped me anticipate what to expect as a new mom and introvert, and what I expected was true: I love the long stretches of alone time a new baby affords! I love being at home with her every day. I love the easy "escape" I have from any social situation when I've had my fill of people... "Please excuse me, I need to go nurse the baby...Katherine's tired, I better take her home...etc." : )
When we have more children, I am guessing that such solitude won't be as easy to come by, but I've heard from a number of moms who train their children to have "quiet time" each afternoon, giving introverted moms that much needed down time.
Posted by: Becky Miller | April 23, 2007 1:35 PM
I'm an INTJ (with my I and E very close) so we are quite similar. My "mommy-style" is right on, though! I'm the "individual-accountability" mother, looking to build self-sufficiency and independent thinking in my child. Hmmm...makes sense since I'm drawn to Montessori principles, right. :-)
Posted by: Amanda | April 23, 2007 2:21 PM
Thanks for posting this link. I am pretty sure I'm an INTJ and the description fits me quite well! I think what was most helpful to me (since I take life so seriously) was reading the "stay sane" tips. I am finally really giving myself permission to take space and time for myself (and to plan for it with mother's helpers, etc.). I do need a project of my own in order to feel a sense of accomplishment - so true.
Posted by: Carole | April 23, 2007 8:59 PM
Thanks for re-posting this. I enjoyed taking the tests and reading about my mothering style. I am ESFJ which seems right on target. Hard to tell on my parenting style yet as I only have one child who is 9 months old (I'm the "everybody get along, and have fun," socializing type of parent.
Posted by: Jana | April 23, 2007 9:44 PM
