April 25, 2007 10:31 AM
Raising boys - great advice from a reader
A longtime reader and friend, Lady Lovas - who's going through what seems to me to be the longest pregnancy on record :) - left such a great comment at my entry on Raising Boys, that I had to make sure everyone read it:
Oh, how I love this subject! As the mother of two "as boy as it gets" boys (and one more to be here in a few days, Lord willing) I am always happy to hear a talk about the differences in gender behavior.My oldest boy (soon to be five) started pretending to play with guns as soon as he was able to pick food with his little fingers. I remember the first time he grabbed a saltine, bit the corner of it, and started making shooting sounds. Then I noticed that he loved my wooden spoons so I gave him a few to play with; such spoons became swords in his hands.
At first I was very concerned about "his behavior." Where is all this "violence" coming from? Why is he "acting" like this? We never watched violent movies, my husband and I respect each other, where could my son possibly be getting these ideas?
So I called my oldest brother and asked him to pray for my child; I consider him a very wise and very spiritual man. Just the tone of my voice in my request made him very concerned. He quickly asked me about the "problem", ready to help me pray for my family. As I started relating to him my son's behavior, he begun to chuckle; at first I was offended by it. Is this the "wise" guy I'm running to for help?
After I refer to him all my concerns, he asked me, as cold as he could, "so, I guess you would rather see him playing with dolls and makeup?....Let him be! He is a boy and that's what boys do. I'm not going to pray for your son, I'm going to pray for you; you need God's guidance so you don't interfere with who he is and what God created him to be. Your job is to channel that manliness for the greater good, not try to suppress who he is by nature. If you see him bullying, abusing, controlling or terrifying the neighborhood, then there's a problem, until then, he is only being who he was meant to be".
I can't say I liked his answer, but I listened and I followed his advice. I have dedicated my days not only to watch my son play with more toy guns and swords that you can count, but to always talk to him about the difference between a hero and a criminal, a protector and an abuser. Many times I have been the "princess" in his make-believe games, and he has bravely rescued me from all sorts of monsters and "bad guys". I have traveled with him to far away imaginary places in search for a dragon that's threatening a small village. I have been saved from the path of a racing train; I have been covered with his cape so the flying, hungry, evil birds would not see me or my "children" (his two year old brother) until we were safe.
A fantasy world indeed, but a world were he is ready to fight, to stand up for the weak and needy, to protect and defend those in need. If this is at all a reflection of who he'll be when he is older, hey, I feel proud of him already.
Sorry this got to be too long; I'm just passionate about raising boys to be what God intended them to be, not what I think they should be.
You can find a very vivid look into the heart of a man by reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. I have also heard of Bringing Up Boys by Dr. Dobson, but I haven't read that one myself, although it is on my list of books to read soon.
Thanks for all the informative posts Barbara; such good work you are doing! Thanks a million.
Posted in Boys, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
I really enjoyed the the response Lady Lovas' brother gave her. Made me laugh out loud! And the rest of her comment felt so good to read. Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Lela | April 25, 2007 12:24 PM
Here's what is hot around our house, that I'm pretty sure Toys R Us will never stock: sticks.
Long or short, fat or skinny, smooth or puckered, every stick IN THE WORLD is special to my children. We have collections of these in and out of the house that CANNOT be burned in the fire pit, or broken up, or used to train plants along, because they are so special... they must be "saved".
Who knew one ugly little stick could be a sword, a gun, a bow, an arrow, a cane, an umbrella, and, even sometimes, a friend?
Every time we go on a walk the boys gather more sticks. They carry them in their hands, sling them over their shoulders, conduct imaginary marching bands, and stuff the bottom of the stroller full of them.
With a stick in hand they imitate who they love: heroes, fathers, musicians and farmers.
They are always on the lookout for more. Their eyes softly gaze at and size up the dimensions of each new discovery, as though this stick might be the one to change the world. And it does change their world for a time.
Brothers, however, are sometimes jealous of each other and many battles have been fought over sticks belonging to this or that boy. This has led to a closet full of sticks that have been repossessed by the "stick police" (aka: Mom) until they can be clandestinely escorted to the fire pit outside some time after dark.
Sticks seem to be one of the magical ingredients to a little boy's childhood, although, assuredly he'll get slivers and cuts from them too. But, that contact, that relationship with wood, is one that I think grows over time into something that not only builds imaginary worlds, but one day also builds a real world, where the boy is now a man: a father/musician/farmer.
He becomes a hero.
Posted by: Bonnie | April 25, 2007 12:57 PM
Barbara - It would be great if you or your readers could recommend some "boy" books. Stories with real heroes that haven't been "feminized' are becoming harder to find!
Posted by: Shannon Miller | April 25, 2007 1:08 PM
FYI (as the mom of three boys), I read Bringing Up Boys. There were some good things in there, so I'd recommend a mom read it, but it tends to over-generalize boys. It portrays them as all dirty little risk-takers who like to climb trees and hit things, and I didn't think it focused enough on the fact that some boys are sensitive, artistic and non-rough-and-tumble. Just my two cents.
Posted by: Rocks In My Dryer | April 25, 2007 3:10 PM
Boys' books recommendation - any historical fiction by G.A. Henty. He wrote about 50 (?) books set at various times in history - from early Egypt to the Civil War, all over the world. The incidents and main historical figures, the customs and so forth, are all accurate, but inserted into the book is a boy/young man with an interesting story. The young man is always masculine, and at least eventually, godly. Christian values permeate the book, but they are not sissified - many of the events include war. We are with the lions at the Coliseum, with the Hugenots at the St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre, etc.
Heroic stuff.
Posted by: Marie | April 25, 2007 4:12 PM
I'll never forget when my then-brave-four-year-old son said to me, "Since Daddy is gone (on a business trip) and Jesus died on the cross, I will protect you!" Bad theology, but bless his heart, he was gonna step up and be the man in our family and protect his woman (me)!
Posted by: chewymom | April 25, 2007 7:23 PM
so, does Lady have a blog. She sounds like my kind of mom.
Posted by: janet | April 26, 2007 12:54 AM
Those Henty books are terrific! Also classics like Robin Hood, Last of the Mohicans, Treasure Island, Kidnapped. My guys have enjoyed the Horatio Hornblower series, Louis L'Amour's western novels.
My guys loved watching movies/series like Band of Brothers, Glory, Henry V, anything about World War II.
I will ask Zach (my #4 son, manly man, and voracious reader) to put together a comprehensive list of recommendations.
Janet - LL doesn't have a blog. She probably will someday as she is full of wisdom - as evidenced by her comments here. This was not the first time I've moved her comment to an entry. And I'll pass your comment along in case she misses it.
Posted by: barbara | April 26, 2007 8:25 AM
This was so helpful! I have two girls, one boy and another boy on the way. My son has just discovered swords and guns and it has been driving me crazy. I keep telling people that I don't know what I am going to do with another boy.
I feel relief to know that other boys behave like this even though they don't let them watch violent videos. I couldn't figure out where all this was coming from.
Thank you for relieving my fears:)
Posted by: kimm | April 29, 2007 11:41 AM
