April 3, 2007 11:15 AM
The Feminine Mistake: yet another anti-SAHM woman seeking five minutes of fame
I guess every couple years we need to have one of these women making money from putting down the choices other women make (bet she's pro-choice, too!):
The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?
I'm in the Oakland Airport waiting to board my flight and checking email. Ironically, on the same day my article was published on moms tuning out the morning shows because they find them increasingly out-of-touch and completely irrelevant to our lives, this misogynist posing as liberator is showcased on the Today show. From Shannon:
Oh boy. This lady was on the Today Show this morning promoting her book. Shes worried about moms who dont return to work. Shes worried about the damage done to them. ie: lower wages offered after being off for x amount of years, not getting hired at all.What about the children?
Her stance is that women are putting themselves at risk not going back to work because their spouses could pass away or they could get divorced and that would leave the woman strapped. Cmon woman! I mean really!
She states the media has ruined the reputation of Childcare Centers across the nation.
Ok Barbara, I know youre a very busy woman. But I do hope to see an article/opinion on this. How can we put our children in jeopardy?
Shannon
Posted in Books, Feminism, Media Bias, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
My MIL was a SAHM...she raised her 2 kids to adulthood and did not return to the workforce until the death of her husband, 3 years after her son graduated high school. She did well. She got a job with a large insurance company and managed to work there for a good 15 years before she chose to retire. They've called her several times to come back!
I think this lady is full of malarky. I think that my skills are just as up to date, if not BETTER than they were during my working years. There is no job better than the one I have now as a SAHM. Should I choose to go back to the workforce, I will do JUST FINE.
Posted by: Linda | April 3, 2007 12:30 PM
I think this book plays on the fears of 99% of working women. I worked when my oldest was born and most moms I know worked for at least a while or are still working full time.
Working moms aren't bad moms--they're scared moms. Scared of not having 'enough' money, scared their husband might lose his job, divorce them, or die, scared they won't be fullfilled or appreciated if they stay home, or afraid they won't LIKE staying home with their kids. These are true fears. They were certainly my fears. I quit my job when baby girl was born and six months later, two weeks before Christmas, my husband lost his high paying job that allowed me to stay home in the first place. I immediately went out to find a job, with hubby calling me every 10 minutes begging me to come home and let him take care of everything. And I did. I learned to trust and lean on my husband. I was scared out of my mind but I trusted God and I trusted the person he put into my life to protect and nurture myself and my children. Lesson learned.
It's all about fear. And this author does a beautiful job exploiting that. I have to say I'm quite over the 'Mommy Wars' about working outside or inside the home. Do I think staying home with your children is important? Yes, and I think it's good for your marriage too. Do I understand the many reasons women work? Yes, and I understand first hand how hard it is. It's a constant juggling act where no one gets what they really need.
I went to a baby shower of a dear friend of ours and his wife. They own a 250,000 dollar home, drive two new cars, take vacations, but are in debt up to their eyeballs. She asked 'So you're back at work now right?' Being that baby girl is over a year old every one assumes I've done my time and back to work I go. She was shocked, mouth hanging open shocked, that I wasn't back at work and was actually planning to homeschool. I found out later from my friend that they are in such a financial state that she will go back to work part time as soon as she's 'feeling better'. Not even six weeks off because they can't afford it.
But this is their choice. This is how they choose to live. I don't think it's right and I encourage them to change things for the sake of their little one and their marriage but my job as a Christian is to love not judge.
Posted by: Alison | April 3, 2007 3:27 PM
I saw a little bit of the broadcast on mothers staying home on NBC this morning.... I couldn't believe that someone would actually believe that a mother staying home would in fact hurt her family by increasing poverty in America! Oh my goodness! I about lost my breakfast! As a mother working outside of the home as a necessity and definitely looking forward to the day when I can stay home with my family (hopefully at the end of the year), it definitely reminds me that God has called us as Christians to be different- in the world, but not like the world! Thank you for writing about this... these broadcasts make me so furious!
Posted by: Lu | April 3, 2007 7:05 PM
I did not see this airing, but I agree with the other women. Working moms feel the "need" to work, in some instances, they have to for various reasons.
When our son was born 5yrs ago, we made the choice to have me stay home and raise him, until he was "old enough" .. but what is old enough ? So, after having our second, 19months ago, and I never went back into the "true" workforce, I stayed home, and did daycare.
Now, we've moved to a new city, and there is no chance I'll have the opportunity to start my daycare again .. so I"m now a full-fledged SAHM. It's been many sacrifices, but I too believe that God will provide, and he always does. Weather it's that bonus check to come in just at the right time, or that sale of something you need, just at the right time.
It's all about sacrifice .. I enjoy spending time with just my children. I enjoy being able to cuddle on the couch, when they are sick, and not having anyone else to "be there" for. MY JOB is my children ... :o)
Posted by: Nancy | April 3, 2007 10:01 PM
What _are_ good ways for families and SAHMs to protect themselves from the financial hardships that can follow from losing a head of household/sole wage earner? This is what I've thought of with so far:
-life insurance
-interdependence with friends, community and family
-knowing how to pitch the organizational and clerical skills of efficiently running a family
-running a family business together
-practicing frugality and judicious saving/investment during wage-earning periods
-...
I guess that's all I've got. I trust in God, but I want to tie up my camel too.
Posted by: persimmon | April 3, 2007 10:57 PM
One of the reviewers on Amazon made a very well put point: "(my husband is my life partner and he meets the financial needs of our family the way I meet the other needs of our family." I like that view of marriage partnership. Different roles, equal value.
Posted by: Becky Miller | April 4, 2007 3:48 AM
I just got done reading your book "Lord, Please Meet Me in the Laundry Room." It is the most uplifting and encouraging book I've read on Motherhood....and I've been married almost 29 years, nine children, one grandchild. In fact, I'm sitting here in upstate New York helping my oldest daughter as she just gave birth one week ago.
My son is dating a young girl who is from a very "academic" family. Her father is a doctor, her mother a psychologist (who stayed at home to raise their two daughters until they both graduated from high school). I thought it interesting that her parents (both Christians) encouraged her to go to college (a prestigious one) to get a good education so she could get a good job. Nothing wrong with that logic....however, their reasoning was that she should do it "just in case" her marriage didn't work out or her husband would die, etc., for then she would have something to fall back on. Somehow that just struck me as odd....I thought we were suppose to trust God with the circumstances of our lives. This young lady does want to be a SAHM when she's married and has children; but I'm concerned that young women feel they must somehow "make something of themselves" just in case things don't work out. I believe we're suppose to use wisdom and make good choices, but I guess now we're suppose to come up with our own contingency plans in life...you know, just in case things don't work out. I wonder if Abraham did that when God told him out of the blue to just pack up his family/belongings and go to a foreign land.
Anyhow, in contrast, I never went to college. I took business courses in high school and became a secretary (yep, with the "old fashioned" electric typewriters, shorthand, bookkeeping, etc.) I will never win a Nobel Peace Prize or become a CEO of a big corporation. However, I have made a home for my husband and nine children. I believe in passing on my love for Jesus, teaching skills that aren't even taught in school anymore (cooking, doing laundry, balancing a checkbook, etc.) and just plain having fun and enjoying what a loving God has given me. I have the pleasure of parenting and then becoming a friend to my older children that have flown the nest. My daughter and son-in-law have started the next generation. My girls are not afraid to get married and stay home to raise their children. If I have played any part in that then I am fulfilling the purpose that God has given me. I am so blessed! My life as a SAHM just can't get any better than this! :)
Posted by: Pat | April 4, 2007 8:13 AM
I think she had a point though. In today's society, no one's marriage is even expected to last, much less for the rest of one's life.
I think her book says more about attitudes about marriage nowadays than it does Mommy Wars.
I know I sound naive and all that, but I do not make my life plans based on what if my husband leaves me, or wants a divorce or has a mid life crisis.
And we do have life insurance enough for me to get myself together and get trained for a half decent job if the unthinkable should happen.
Posted by: Marsha | April 4, 2007 8:38 AM
The world is changing. Check out this piece in today's paper. We are all going to have to face some changes.
Posted by: Sally McCartin | April 4, 2007 10:49 AM
Thanks for the discussion!
Sally, I'm not sure where you're coming from, but though the world may change, God does not change. I think my readers who've zeroed in on the fear motivating this kind of thinking have it right. And personally, I choose not to make decisions based on fear but on faith. That means that if I think the mother/child relationship is important for getting human beings off to the best possible start, then I will choose to be there to personally raise my kids barring absolute economic necessity (I was once a single mother working to support two kids)- by which I mean not working just so we could have a better home or extra cars or snowmobiles and cruises.
But unless you have faith, you cannot understand how it enters into the decision-making process. And even when we have faith, it's not always easy :)
Posted by: barbara | April 4, 2007 11:19 AM
As part of an adoption Home Study, I have to prepare a statement as to how I would be able to support our family if my husband could not. Even though I have been "at home" for several years, I still belong to my professional society, and volunteer several hours a month (from home!). Hopefully, that will be enough to satisfy "them" that I could get a job if necessary.
Posted by: Liz | April 4, 2007 12:04 PM
Three years ago, my husband was laid off. He could not find a job anywhere - he took a $6/hr. stint to hold us over but it wasn't enough. Our situation was pretty much the same as if I had been divorced - no income, little kids, suddenly the SAHM has to go out into the workforce.
I only had a year of college and my last job before "momming" was as a sales clerk for a department store.
But, I went to a temp agency, which assigned me to a company where I ended up working permanently for 2 years and making $35,000/year. Now I'm a SAHM again.
Somehow, it was not the end of the world. I actually got AHEAD from applying my SAHM/homeschool skills (homeschooling a sp. needs child in the boondocks = fabulous computer skills). Plus I became the office manager and basically did for grownups what I did for the kids.
The people who are selling out their kids formative years just in case their husbands divorce them are the ones losing out... and working just so you are not "strapped" when if your husband dies? Give me a break. You don't have to be a single mom to be strapped, but it's actually EASIER to be tight financially if one person is at home and able to spend the time doing things to save money, create frugal, entertainment, and be an encouragement.
You can feel broke and depressed not being able to afford a loaf of good bread, but you won't feel the same if you're eating hot homemade bread.
Mama Says
Posted by: Milehimama | April 4, 2007 12:59 PM
We can't afford for me to stay home but I do anyway. I sometimes think to myself that I am being crazy irresponsible for not being out there working my tail off to pay down some debt (old medical bills, no credit cards) but really I just can't leave my kids because of bills. I am waiting for God to show me some other way to help us pay those debts down that doesn't involve abandoning my children to a daycare.
I am not anti-daycare so much as I just don't feel that this is the kind of world where you can trust anybody but yourself to raise your kids. To many people have values that are so opposed to my own. Some people are downright dangerous. I have daycare horror stories from my own childhood.
Posted by: paigeu | April 4, 2007 4:25 PM
No, it isn't all about fear. Maybe it is about fear for some women, or maybe it is about personal needs or maybe it is about balance or maybe........
I get tired of this topic! It's like women need to make an either or decision. All I tend to read is either from women like the one who wrote the reference books or women who can't fathom working. It isn't so black and white and it doesn't have to be. Yeah, childcare does get a bad rap. There are plenty of bad situations out there, but there are plenty of good ones too. There are plenty of awesome moms who stay home and there are plenty of stay-at-home moms who suck. It isn't this OR that. Why are women so quick to go for the jugular and tear each other apart? Why can't we just respect one another's mothering choices?
I bet there isn't one woman reading here who could walk into a classroom of 5th graders and tell whose mom worked and whose mom stayed home without asking them. The working status of mom is NOT the most important factor in raising a family, no matter how much some women want to believe it is.
Posted by: Stacy | April 4, 2007 4:46 PM
Why are women so quick to go for the jugular and tear each other apart? Why can't we just respect one another's mothering choices?
Stacy- no one here is going for the jugular or tearing anyone apart, but defending our position after a media blitz on a woman who implied we were stupid and headed for doom. Why are you so hard on the moms here who've simply defended their life choice? Many have been careful to respect the fact that sometimes mothers have to work - as I said, I was a single mother for five years and responsible for my children's support. I was also a married working mother for a couple years. Having experienced everything, I think I'm qualified to have a credible opinion - and to share it when my current lifestyle is under attack.
I know there is a reader out there who is a teacher - I think of fifth grade. I'll ask her about what her observation is of kids from mothers who work and mothers who don't.
Posted by: barbara | April 4, 2007 6:21 PM
Stacy--do you know working moms? Have you asked them what it's like--what it's REALLY like-to be a working mom? I haven't found a working mom yet who thinks it's a breeze and is fulfilled and feels like everything is just the way she thought it would be. I guess it could be that way but I don't know anyone who lives it.
I'm just saying it's hard--period. And it's hard on everyone. Not just mom, but husband and kids also. Have you ever taken your 1 1/2 year old baby out of his nice warm bed at 5:45 AM and taken him out in 20 degree weather to drop him off at daycare by 6 AM? I have and it's not pleasant. You can't tell me that's a desirable situation. Will my son be permenantly scarred from that? I highly doubt it but it doesn't help anyone's stress level.
I still stand by my original premise that fear drives a majority of mothers to work. How about I add control to that. I'm sure that won't make anyone happy. But I know that was a huge adjustment for me.
I also still stand by my statement that I respect women for whatever choice they make. All those feelings--fear, control, etc.--are perfectly valid feelings. I just choose to be honest about my feelings and the things that happened to me and my child when I worked. I don't think every working mom will have the problems that we had but I see so many of my friends and family going right down that path. It's sad to watch really. But like I said before, it's their lives and their choices.
Posted by: Alison | April 4, 2007 10:53 PM
I think everybody is out there doing their best to prevent what they believe to be the worst possible outcome. For whatever reason most of us here have come to conclude that it means staying home with our children, others have concluded that the family is best served by the additional income. Either way, just about everybody makes choices out of fear. Fear and a desire to avoid some kind of suffering. I view working and leaving my kids as a greater suffering than not having more money or job security. Others are quite the opposite. I don't view my choice as a sign that I have some kind of virtue above other women who don't share my choice, I just assume that whatever information my life has provided me has led me to a different conclusion than other women.
Sometimes though I will inquire as to why a woman feels the need to work, and if the opportunity arises I share my reasons for not working but never in a way that would make the other woman feel judged or critisized.
I think Barbara is doing a service by bringing up this topic. Many women may want to have more information to consider and Barbara's input might suggest another angle for them to consider.
Posted by: paigeu | April 5, 2007 2:53 AM
Barbara,
I wasn't being hard on anyone, not sure where you read that. I was simply wondering, out loud, why women are so hard on each other. I find it sad (more sad than kids being in daycare) that mothers feel the need to defend their choices to one another. I have not read that book and won't because it is clearly a "rabid" working woman who won't be taking a balanced approach to the topic. Personally, I don't think women are headed for doom if they stay home and never work.
Alison,
I had to laugh at your first question because indeed I do know working moms. I am one of them. I like working and despite what some of you seem to believe (and this I don't understand), I don't work out of fear. I work because I like it. I enjoy the accomplishments and I enjoy using all the education I got. I'm sorry your daycare experience was so negative, but like you said, not everyone has that experience. Most people don't drop off their kids at 6am and I would have been very frustrated to be in that situation too.
I don't know if everyone who reads here homeschools, but I have often wondered....why is it okay with the stay-home advocates to send kids off to school at 5? What happens at age 5 that makes it ok for the kids to be with other caring, responsible adults from 8am til 3pm? Why do we say that the people working in preschools or daycares are raising those kids, but the kindergarten teachers are just teaching them? (And I am asking in general, not saying anyone here has said these things) Is it more important for mom to be home than dad and is it ok for dads to travel all week for work, if it means that mom can be home with the kids?
I just think this topic is too complex to simplify down the way it seems to happen.
Posted by: Stacy | April 5, 2007 1:30 PM
I'm sure you'll be suprised to learn I also work part time. I'm an independent contract who inspects farms and processing facilities for organic certification. I do the inspection on my husband's day off and write the report from home during naps or at night. It's perfect. Not a lot of money but enough to make a dent and it keeps me in the workforce.
I agree it's a very complex topic. As far as sending kids off to school there is quite a movement, especially in Christian circles, to home school. I know that most people who send their kids to school are extremely involved. Look at Barbara--she's been a huge advocate in her local community and schools. That's a WHOLE different topic that we'll need to tackle another day.
I sent my son to a wonderful Christian in home daycare. Two women, six kids. You can't get much better than that. But they had strict rules about how long the kids could be there (no more than 10 hours a day) and we all worked as a team to take care of our kids. Our home routine (eating, sleeping, snacking, etc.) needed to be the same as theirs to keep it as seamless as possible. But it was still hard and my family fell apart. And yes my husband is just as much to blame for that. Been there, acknowledged that, moved forward. Both of us.
I don't know if you read the example I gave of my good friend and his wife. Go read it again. That's what I'm talking about. When my husband asked my friend why they didn't just sell the house he said 'but that house is who we are!' My husband replied 'well that's all you'll ever be then' And I have two other examples of friends and family doing the same things. That's the fear I'm talking about. Fear that you won't 'be somebody' without stuff, or a certain job, or a degree. I have a bachelor of Science degree and graduated with honors. I was also a drunk who went to the bar between classes and drank Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday night, and sometimes Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday night. I had to take a few nights off to study!
God gives you a satisfaction and peace that you can't get anywhere else. Read Ecclesiastes. Yeah read all of it. I can't begin to pinpoint only this or that--it's all soooo relevant to what we're talking about. Read and let me know what you think!
Love ya and thanks for sparring with me. We should do this over coffee soon :)
Posted by: Alison | April 5, 2007 2:49 PM
Alison,
I must have missed your example of your friend, but the comment about the house being who they are is....well, asinine! But that's just one example isn't it? For each example of a family gone awry because mom works, I can give you an example of one that has not. And that's all I'm saying. It can be done, a mother can work and be a great mother. Just like a father can work and be a great father!
I won't go into any specifics, but I've seen my own share of addiction issues and I know where you are coming from on that.
I'm not really sure what your last paragraph has to do with the working mom/at home mom issue....of course God gives us a peace we can't get anywhere else...but how does that relate to this?
Posted by: Stacy | April 5, 2007 3:48 PM
Wow. I go on Spring break for a while and all the good conversations happen. For what it's worth, if I can "weigh in." I'm not a mom. I'm a high school teacher. I was raised by a SAHM until I was about 9, then a working mom until I was 14, than a single working Dad. I guess I run the gamut personally. In terms of what I see in my students. I agree that on the face of it there is no neon sign over a child's head in fifth grade proclaiming whether or not they have (or had) a parent at home when they were little. However, on closer insepection there are some things that come to light. The most important thing simply has to do with quality of parenting. Working parents, moms, dads, parents who genuinely parent and make their kids a priority and make sure the kids know they are the priority, and have good discipline in their homes have good kids. Parents, moms, dads, parents who stay at home and are lousy parents (and there are some SAHM's who are... sorry, but it's true) have badly behaved children who are less likely to reach potential. Now, I've also seen great parents with badly behaved kids and vice versa. I would say that kids who have a strong home support and involved parents do better and stand out more. Having a parent at home full time helps make that more likely. Yet my father was a better working single parent than my mother was a full time stay at home mom.
In terms of the actual debate here, I would say that this article is dangerous. As a single woman who is about to start her PhD, I have to worry about my finances alone. I am responsible for me and my 83 year old grandmother and two dogs. I have to be responsible for my own well being. Thankfully I have a career that I enjoy and so far have succeeded at. I want to help other teachers be the best they can be too. If I found someone tomorrow and got married, I think I would still finish my PhD. If we had children I agree as an educator that we give them the best chance by being home with them at least until they start full time school. Would I do nothing with the work I had done for my career? Knowing me, probably not. I'd write or find other ways to use what I learned. But I wouldn't have kids unless I was willing to put them first on my list of responsibilities and joys. Provided there is the financial ability for someone to stay home (and I think sometimes we think we need more money than we do...) as a teacher I think it is best for the kids, especially when they are younger, but I also think I am proof that not having someone at home (or having someone not so great at home) isn't a death sentance (Did I mention that my brother is a SBC minister and head pastor?). This article is basically saying that kids are a right, and that you can still put yourself first. I read the article too, and while I guess the years senority thing can be an issue, as a professional in education I have found that we tend to take time at home raising kids as important needed time and don't hold it against employees, and there are lots of other businesses, run by mothers, that don't either.
I hope that made sense, it's a bit late, but I wanted to put in my two cents worth.
Posted by: Sandy | April 7, 2007 12:43 AM
I wonder if Abraham did that when God told him out of the blue to just pack up his family/belongings and go to a foreign land....... I believe in passing on my love for Jesus, teaching skills that aren't even taught in school anymore (cooking, doing laundry, balancing a checkbook, etc......"
Posted by: Pat | April 4, 2007 8:13 AM
I really appriciated your comment re: Abraham. I know I need to trust Him more, and not hang onto something for "safety"; in His hands is the best place- the safest place to be!
I heard of this book and lady on Dr.Laura the other day, and googled her name to find out what what was up. Ended up here, and enjoyed reading all the posts/replies. I bring up Dr.Laura also to mention that she said that the MOMS (well, maybe dads, too, but mostly moms) should be the ones teaching about laundry and budgets, not the schools. I'm not aware of the schools ever teaching those sorts of things. Home Economics- is that what you are referring to? I must admit, I never took that class! But then, I am not sure it was offered in the school I was at, either...
Anyway, kudos to you all for the thought, care, love and trust you put in yourself, your husband, and God! :c)
Eddy ~~~
Posted by: Edward | April 7, 2007 3:30 PM
Eddy,
Yes, I was referring to Home Ec....I had it in 7th and 8th grade (which at that time was called Jr. High.....am I dating myself here?) :) I actually learned how to do alot of things from my mom (sewing, cooking, budgeting, etc) before I got to 7th grade...having it in school was icing on the cake for me just because I enjoyed doing those things. I learned how to balance a checkbook/savings account before I had bookkeeping in high school....that was also icing on the cake for me as I liked working with numbers (guess that tells you who works the budget in our household!).
I have a friend who was a Home Ec teacher...but a few years ago they slid her into another area (not sure what it was...) as they got rid of that subject. I just think they're important life skills to have.
Happy Easter to everyone! :)
Posted by: Pat | April 8, 2007 8:00 PM
