May 15, 2007 9:11 AM
Lisa Miller/ Janet Jenkins custody battle - can a child have two mothers?
12/29 Update: Lisa Miller ordered to give up daughter, disappears with her
A month ago, I carried a prayer request from Lisa Miller, an ex-lesbian whose custody of her biological daughter is being challenged by her ex-partner Janet Jenkins. Though both are native Virginians, they were joined under Vermont's civil union law and lived in Vermont for 13 months before Lisa returned to Virginia and became a Christian.
Since then, I've spent some time with Lisa and her daughter. The following article - in the May 12 edition of World magazine - is the result of that time and my research into the case:
Are you my mother?
Family: One little girl, two mothers, three multi-state litigations, and four years add up to a custody battle that only the Supreme Court may be able to resolve / by Barbara Curtis
It's not that the Jenkins-Miller case is that unusual: Parents split, one leaves the state with the child, things escalate and the left-behind parent sues for custody. Variations on the theme play out daily across the country, leaving family courts and judges to sort out "he-said, she-said" conflicts beneath which the future of innocent children is buried.
But what happens when the conflict takes a new twist? As in "she-said, she-said"? Or "Vermont says, Virginia says"? Can parentage be drawn at the state line? That's one question driving the litigation between Lisa Miller and Janet Jenkins.
Read entire article here.
Currently, the Virginia Supreme Court and the U. S. Supreme Court have denied requests to hear this case, leaving the outcome in the hands of Vermont's Family Court. Isabella's fate lies in the hands of Judge Cohen, who the Jenkins legal team feels confident will award Jenkins custody based on the Parental Kidnapping Protection Act (PKPA) and Jenkins' filing that Lisa's religion interferes with the non-biological mother's relationship with her daughter.
From the gay/lesbian point of view, a father in the same position would be awarded custody even though he had no biological connection to the child. The confusion comes from the clash between four states that recognize civil unions and the forty-six that don't. The Jenkins legal team accuses Lisa of "jurisdiction shopping," which is forbidden under the PKPA.
The larger issues hover over very real people, however - and Lisa is facing having her daughter taken away from her to be raised by two other mothers (Jenkins is now partnered with another woman) with no biological connection and no relationship at all for the past two years.
Lisa has started a blog OnlyOneMommy where you can keep current with what is going on in her case. Please spread the word about this case - which is very significant in terms of larger issues. And keep Lisa and Isabella - as well as Janet and her current partner - in your prayers.
Disclaimer:Because I write about issues dealing with traditional marriage and the family, I deal with a lot of hatred and charges that I "hate gays." That is absolute nonsense, and really says more about the puerile level of thinking of my accusers.
I am not approaching these issues from a holier-than-thou point of view, but from a wealth of experience and the kind of knowledge only gained by life in the trenches. I was a fatherless girl from a pretty bleak background including foster homes and sexual abuse. I've been through drug addiction and confusion about my own sexual identity. I lived in the Castro District of San Francisco with gay male roommates. I've seen the lifestyle up close and personal.
I truly believe that children need a mother and a father to have the best possible launch into the world. I also believe they need a spiritual foundation - and that's speaking as someone who grew up and began raising children without one (my first two daughters - Samantha Sunshine and Jasmine Moondance - were dragged through my own confusion for many years). Now, with 24 years experience raising 12 children with a dad and a spiritual foundation - plus observing my two daughters' wholesome marriages and families (five kids each) - I can see the enormous benefit of being raised with a dad and with a relationship with God.
Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity - including who don't subscribe to civil unions/gay marriage. While I don't agree with the gay lifestyle, I love and respect many individuals I know who are gay (and I do know quite a few because of our family's involvement in music and theater, which seem to attract a mix of Christians and gays). For gays who think this is not possible, consider: I don't agree with divorce or sex outside of marriage or substance abuse or cutting, but that doesn't mean I hate people who engage in those behaviors.
I have the right to believe these things without being subjected to the very hatred and scorn that gays are all too quick to accuse others of.
Please consider these things before posting any spiteful comments. And don't waste a lot of time on them, because over the years of political writing and enduring these assaults, I've developed a pretty thick skin and a pretty quick finger on the delete key.
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Comments
I will keep these folks in my prayers. I know it may be a very difficult situation, legally. However, we serve the Awesome, Eternal, All Powerful, All Knowing, Holy, Merciful and Almighty God - nothing is too difficult for Him! May He be glorified in this situation. Praise God for Lisa's turning to Him.
Libby Guidry
New Orleans
Posted by: Libby | May 15, 2007 11:40 AM
Thanks for the update Barbara on the case. I was wondering about the latest outcome a few days ago. I will pray for all involved, there is bound to be some hurt and loss no matter what the outcome.
Posted by: Imajackson | May 15, 2007 1:00 PM
continuing to pray. this breaks my heart and I can't imagine being in Lisa's shoes.
Posted by: millicent | May 15, 2007 3:07 PM
REALLY good writing in the opening of your World story! "he said, she said"..."she-said, she-said." Great stuff!
Posted by: Becky Miller | May 16, 2007 12:38 AM
Hi Barbara,
Thanks for keeping us up to date. I'm at work and can't read the entire piece, but will when I have free time. A comment and questions. If you understand the comment, you may avoid future criticism from the GLBT community. The statement:
"I've seen the lifestyle up close and personal."
is too sweeping. The lifestyle you experienced doesn't represent the varieties of lifestyles that GLBT people experience. Lifestyle correlates more closely with location, demographics and geography than with sexual orientation. I have a blog in the state of interminable final editing which I'll publish soon that deals with "conservative assimilationalists". Their lifestyle assimilates with the surrounding community. Since you work with GLBT people you've probably met many who assimilate. For the sake of staying on good terms, please acknowledge their lifestyle too. They certainly don't live the SF Castro district lifestyle in suburban Loudoun?
An now for the questions. You said:
"Lisa returned to Virginia and became a Christian."
What does it mean to be a Christian?
I've begun a spiritual journey and would like very much to "become a Christian". I'm starting with this, and excuse me if I misquote:
"And this is the testimony; God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his son. Whoever has the son, has life. Whoever does not have the son of God, does not have life."
So what does it mean to "have" the son?
And finally, can one be GLBT and Christian?
Posted by: Jonathan | May 16, 2007 12:58 PM
Jonathan -
Thanks for your comment. I answered it as an entry here.
Posted by: barbaracurtis | May 16, 2007 9:28 PM
To "have" Jesus means to believe in your heart that He died on the cross to bear our sins, and that you accept this as truth, and the fact that he is in your soul and spirit. Say with your mouth that you believe this, and promise to actively turn from your sinful behavior and believe in Him. He will forgive AND FORGET your sin, and you will be eternally alive in spirit. You will sin again, but his spirit will make you feel ashamed and you will KNOW when you are sinful, as opposed to before, when it did not bother you. This is that "feeling" that Christians have that makes us so sure of the presence of God. It's not just conscience, but a feeling that when you sin, you are hurting Christ in a personal way, after he gave his life for you. This is faith, and why it is so strong, and why it's still a belief system after so many years and so many false religions and denominations. It is not brainwashing-but a true knowledge that you receive only after believing in his presence. If you feel it as you read this, I assure you that God is speaking to your heart and wanting to bless your life. After receiving Him, you will be blessed beyond measure.
Also, you can be a Christian and gay, but the practice of the sinful behavior (unnatural gay sex) will convict you to repent and, if you truly believe in Christ, want to discontinue the behavior. God wants only what's best for you, and if you believe in Him, you must believe all of His teachings to include that any sin is equal to any other, and all are equally damaging in his judgment. If this is true, then gay sex is as sinful as any other sin. You must be willing to stop actively pursuing ANY sinful behavior. If you truly believe, he will give you a "feeling" to want to stop sinning (thus Ms. Miller's turn from the lifestyle). Ever heard "We must love the sinner, but hate the sin?" That is being a true Christian. As I said, we all continuously sin, but we believers are forgiven AND are convicted of the pain our sins cause our Father in Heaven, so as we fail, we know that we have failed, and ask for forgiveness, which is freely given. BUT, until you accept Christ, no prayer will be answered, and no sin can be forgiven. Why would He hear you, if you refuse Him?
Posted by: Smoke Eater | December 6, 2009 4:27 PM
I can relate somewhat to this journey. I am gay and raised two children from a straight marriage. I have been divorced for 20 years. I raised my children, now 25 and 27 in a gay relationship. Through my own experience and prayer, I have come to realize that children deserve a mother and a father.
Posted by: Catie | December 29, 2009 8:13 PM
The term ex-lesbian is deeply flawed, unscientific, and downright impossible. Every single psychological organization and every single *credible* person with an education and background in human psychology will tell you that sexual orientation is absolutely unchangeable and fixed sometime before the age of 5 (that's to be safe, truly its before birth).
Just because someone chooses not to practice homosexuality doesn't mean that they are not a homosexual.
You can be an ex-lesbian as much as you can be an ex-Caucasian. That's proven fact, time over.
You attack one partner because she is not biologically related. Well guess what, LOTS of children out there aren't biologically related to either of their parents, and they are perfectly happy and healthy. Families come in all shapes and sizes.
The truth is Lisa BROKE THE LAW. LISA was in the wrong. She knew she was breaking the law, and she did it anyway. Yet you stand behind her solely for the fact that she's of your faith and has convinced herself she's no longer a lesbian, something any professional knows is impossible. The courts followed the law properly and correctly.
This article is incredibly biased. Has any thought been given to Janet's feelings? Janet did just as much to raise that child as Lisa. Janet was probably there when Isabella was born. Janet just like any other parent probably got up with Isabella at night. Janet put just as much of her time and energy into loving and raising her child as any parent would. Janet's motherhood has been completely ignored. Or even the child's feelings really. Isabella has TWO mothers. Janet is one of them. Yet in this article, she has been cast aside like nothing. Her side was never considered.
"We must love the sinner, but hate the sin?"
If you love the sinner so much, why do you recoil when they love each other?
[Jordan, it's interesting you read this completely unbiased article lifted straight from AP/Yahoo News without a bit of commentary by me as an attack on Janet Jenkins. And that you say it's biased when it is simply a recounting of the events and facts drawing no judgment at all on either woman.
You say "The term ex-lesbian is deeply flawed, unscientific, and downright impossible. Every single psychological organization and every single *credible* person with an education and background in human psychology will tell you that sexual orientation is absolutely unchangeable and fixed sometime before the age of 5 (that's to be safe, truly its before birth)." That is an absolute lie. There is scientific research for both sides, Not every single organization or "credible" person agrees. You are speaking from talking points and your side tries to drown out its opposition
I know of a mother of 12 who spent time experimenting as a lesbian. I also know a woman who was a committted, radical political lesbian who was head of the Women's Studies Department at a major Ivy League school who left it all behind for amrraige and children.
Yes, I believe some people are born with a proclivity to homosexuality, just as many people are born with a proclivity to alcoholism. But I believe many people become homosexual through early trauma - particularly involving older sexual predators. btw, I lived in the Castro District in San Francisco for many years with gay men for roommates. I also spent a lot of time with gay women in Marin County. I know what I'm talking about.
Again., I'm not sure why you ask why I'm recoiling so much as there was no statement of my opinion, feelings or reaction to the mainstream media article above. Were you projecting?
In this comment, I am also not recoiling or passing judgment, but defending Lisa Miller against your charge that she cannot identify herself as an ex-lesbian. How dare you take away her right to define herself? Isn't that what homosexuals fault the straight world with? This is such hypocrisy! There are people who choose to leave the gay lifestyle just as their are people who choose not to act on their addictions. They have the right to define themselves as well as to counsel others who are interested in leaving the lifestyle, and to raise public awareness that there are professionals and organizations who can help those desiring to pursue heterosexuality.
[I will not comment here on the merits of Lisa Miller's case. But I will defend her right to call her right to establish her sexual identity and be accorded the same respect and dignity gays and homosexuals have been demanding for years.]
Posted by: Jordan | December 29, 2009 9:31 PM
Quote:
"The term ex-lesbian is deeply flawed, unscientific, and downright impossible. Every single psychological organization and every single *credible* person with an education and background in human psychology will tell you that sexual orientation is absolutely unchangeable and fixed sometime before the age of 5 (that's to be safe, truly its before birth)."
This is absolutely not true. Not every person with an education and human psychology background has this opinion.
Being gay is a learned behavior and choice. There is absolutely no proof whatsoever of a biological connection. Nor will there ever be.
Funny how of the two woman the one with the most education has come to the conclusion that her choice was wrong.
Posted by: grant | December 30, 2009 5:28 PM
