May 9, 2007 3:29 PM
Reader advice needed on over(?)-sensitive child
I didn't feel I had much to say on this subject, so with this reader's permission, I'm printing her letter hoping for suggestions from you:
Barbara,I have been reading your site for about a month now and it has been the thing I love to go to when I have a spare moment at the end of the day. I appreciate how you help us mommies think about current issues, religious thoughts, and give us ideas to help us in this motherhood journey. I just finished "The Mommy Survival Guide" and really enjoyed it. I ordered "Mommy Teach Me" a few days ago as well, and have been reading a lot of your articles about Montessori methods.
I am a mother of three daughters ages 6, 4, and 2 and we are expecting our fourth this next winter. I also am the Primary leader over all the children 12 and younger (56 in all) and their teachers and scout leaders at our church. I graduated college with a degree in Child Development and have read countless parenting type books.
I have a question regarding my middle girl, the four-year-old. Just for a little background, when she was 18 months old her sister was born. Three months later my husband quit his job, we moved and my husband began an intense full-time MBA program at a prestigious university. Given this stress, it was a very hard time for me personally and I know I wasn't the kind of mom she needed then.
B is a very sensitive person. She is sensitive to smells, food, and clothing to name a few things. She is a very dreamy girl and has quite the imagination. She will play by herself for an hour or more just making up stories about her toys. She loves music and feels it deeply. Her older sister tries very hard to be very good and obedient, and her younger sister is very energetic, not afraid of anything and very outgoing. I am trying to help B feel more confident and secure in her special talents.
The main problem with this child is she is very emotional and flies off the handle very easily. She also gives up very easy and doesn't try to do things. She is a perfectionist. She is afraid a lot of the simplest things. I have been trying very hard lately to encourage her. I have been taking time each day to spend one-on-one time with her. We often do puzzles that are on the easier side so she will feel like she is good at something. I am trying to really slow down and let her put on the own shoes, jacket and buckle herself in the car. It is helping, but I was wondering if there is anything else you can think of to help her.
--J
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Comments
One of the things I do for my over-sensitive, perfectionist, and highly emotional child is "catch her" being good. If she challenges herself by choosing to do a hard puzzle, I will praise her for that, and praise her if she chooses to ask for help instead of getting frustrated by NOT being able to do it. She's always been very independent, and we tend to "butt heads" because she doesn't want to learn from me, but if we do things on the sly (like I said, "catch" her doing good instead of letting her fall apart) she doesn't realize she's learning. And repetition, repetition, repetition. My daughter, now six, has had trials and challenges with the simplest things like putting socks on (she still has problems), but I continue to encourage her to try by herself first, then ask for help AFTER.
Posted by: Linda | May 9, 2007 3:59 PM
Her little girl is a carbon copy of me as a child! Even up through sixth grade I would cry weekly in class, despite making straight A's and having normal relationships with my family and peers. I think God makes some of us more sensitive than others. I'm now a college honor grad, wife and mom, but I still cry at Hallmark commercials and even cartoon movies sometimes!
I think supporting her and letting her know that you love her and that God made her unique and wonderful is really important. I also think that she'll need to hear it constantly and she'll need to see it demonstrated. Make sure she has a strong relationship with her dad, or other male relative if dad's not available; my mom was less emotional than me but struggled immensely in her teenage years with relationships. She saved me the heartache by really encouraging my dad to cuddle with me on the couch and read books to us at night.
Most of what you describe as her flying off the handle and not wanting to try things is her perfectionism blocking her from experiencing life. You can help but a fun-loving, free-spirited friend is even better. I had a friend next door growing up who helped me a lot to climb high trees and explore in the woods. My husband is the one who encourages me now. :) I think it's important to offer her choices without forcing her. Hope this helps!
Posted by: Elizabeth | May 9, 2007 4:19 PM
We often do puzzles that are on the easier side so she will feel like she is good at something.
The above sentence jumped out at me. It seems to me that this might be one of those cases of a good idea that could be implemented better through a different approach. By the sounds of it, the little girl is already very good at making up stories. From my perspective, it would be far easier to point this out to her, and make a big deal out of it. I would recommend encouraging her and impressing upon her just what a wonderful and important talent that really is. Perhaps encouraging her to entertain her younger sister with her storytelling abilities is in order.
Too often, I think we all -- kids and adults alike -- spend too much time envying the "superior" talents of those around us while ignoring and even downplaying our own talents. We may be the best artist in the world, but for some reason, we still feel like failure because we're not good at math. And it sounds to me like that's something this little girl might be going through.
As for trying, it seems to me that it's a matter of fear of failure. Again, it seems to me that once she realizes she excels at something and that it matters that she excels at it, she might be more willing to try out new things. After all, it's easier to branch out and try new things and even find out their not your "strong suit" if you already know where you excel. The "not being good at it" for that particular thing isn't as traumatic.
Granted, I'm not a parent, and I'm not sure how sound my ideas are, given my general lack of experience with small children. However, it's what occurred to me as I read this letter.
Posted by: Jarred | May 9, 2007 4:24 PM
I still am a bit dreamy and so much of a perfectionist at times that I don't start things because I won't do them perfectly. When I realize that the problem is perfectionism I can hear my mothers voice, "that good enough" or she will "Declare the project DONE!" Start using similar phrases when she get fustrated. Using a timer for projects for chores. Only having to clean for 5 or 15 minutes makes it easier for get something done. Having something tangible to show for your effort helps, if it does not have to be perfect. Try her on music or dance. Look around for adult dreamers and sensitive types and find out how they handle things on a day to day basis. Finally pray. Ask other to pray for you to be the mother God wants for your daughters.
Posted by: Jane Duquette | May 9, 2007 5:03 PM
We have a two year old little girl who was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder last year and is being assessed for Autism this year. (Not that this is what I'm saying about your child - just that we've experienced many, many challenges with the sensitive child situation.)
Some great books to look into would be The Out of Sync Child Has Fun by Carol Krantz (I think that's her name - all our books are packed right now so I can't check) and also Raising Your Highly Sensitive Child (don't know the author off hand). Both are great books with some great insight and ideas!
Posted by: Laura | May 9, 2007 5:30 PM
I have a cousin who would make up detailed stories, including the characters' conversations and speak them aloud for what seemed like hours every day- and I think that is very talented! (I often wish I had such imagination when my 2 year old asks me to tell her another story!) But this cousin would get embarrased if anyone made a big deal about how interesting her story sounded or tried to listen. Her wise mom would make very low-key comments within earshot of her like, "I wish I could hear more of her stories, they sound so interesting," or, "She could be a great author already!"
I think kids like this can't handle much pressure and sometimes even cheerful encouragement comes across as pressure to them. So maybe make your one-on-one times such that you are near her, ready to listen to her or read to her perhaps, but not necessarily expecting her to act a certain way or perform a specific task or anything- unless she suggests it. And as someone else said, lots of praise and love!
Also the cousin I mentioned needed alot more quiet time than her siblings. Maybe that would help your daughter too. Just some thoughts that came to mind.
Posted by: purebillow | May 9, 2007 11:22 PM
i will chime in with laura (great name!) and recommend reading the out of sync child. reading your description of your daughter reminded me a lot of my youngest. a lot of his sensitivities are related to his sensory dysfunction secondary to his extreme premature birth. reading this book opened the door to a better understanding of his little idiosyncracies that, well, sometimes frustrated me to the point i could just scream. it also gave me some insight into the fact that he was just as frustrated as i was and strategies on how i could reach him. two years later i still don't have the perfect solution but i have a better understanding and acceptance which actually results is a lot less stress for my son, my family and myself.
good luck!
Posted by: laura | May 9, 2007 11:56 PM
I dont have too much insight, besides just offering my own personal experience as being abit on the perfectionist and sensitive side....i really second the advice on setting her up with a "free spirited" playmate her own age...let her see other ways of doing the same things and that it is OKAY.when she gets in trouble or doesn't some thing wrong, go easy on her..if she is anything like me, she is already feeling really bad over letting you down and is hard enough on herself. show her the right way and really play up the magnificent way she tried to do it..and if the way she did it still worked even if it's not the way YOU would have done it, play up the way she thought of a different way than you would have and you Love her creativity!
as a child and still as an adult, i truly struggle with not being too hard on myself and venturing to help people...not so much afraid of failure as i am afraid of letting them down. i was the type of child a spanking didn't hurt NEAR as much as the words "i am so dissapointed in you."
a small example in how being near a free spirited person "set me free"....for 3 years i held onto scrapbooks and materials given to me for various birthdays..etc. i was too afraid to start on them, intimidated by the scrapbooking magazines and that i could never create something so beautiful...and what if i tried and failed and then ruined the pictures? then i met my good friend Alison...a free spirit, bubbly, fun gal with an incredible knack for photography and making "art out of trash" lol...she would just assume vomit on a scrapbook magazine than to ever open one and yet her HUGE scrapbooks were ones that were the most appealing, beautiful and full ofpersonality and character that i had ever seen!! she set me free that there was NO "right/wrong" way, i couldn't fail at this and i simply had to trsut myself and try. I am working on my 5th scrapbook now and i adore them! having let go and been encouraged to trust myself and that "perfect" isn't always "best" and "different" doesn't mean "wrong". sorry so long! *blush*
kristy in England
Posted by: kristy | May 10, 2007 5:44 AM
Thank you so much, everyone for giving me such insightful ideas.
I am suprised at how many of you seem to know my little girl! She does much better when she is around her dad a lot, and she does need more quiet time than my other children. I am going to try a few of the suggestions, especially helping her with a "free-spirited" friend, checking out those books, and "catch" her being good. I do need to impress on her that there isn't "one" way of doing a lot of things and genuinely praising her for what she does right.
Thank you so much!
Posted by: jena | May 10, 2007 6:19 PM
I read Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. That really helped me in dealing with my son, who is very much like the child described. Even though he's not real energetic, he's very sensitive and very reactive. I discovered that I fit the profile as well, which helped me to deal with my frustration with my son. Now that he's almost six, he's relaxed a lot. Being in school has helped, too, because his teacher is very encouraging. Being able to be good at some things (like reading and math) has really helped his confidence.
He also makes up stories and is very artistic. So I have him tell me stories when we're in the car or before he goes to bed. (Having younger siblings or pets to tell stories to is good, too!) He's very emotional and it's irritating sometimes, so we talk about how little hurts should get little cries, and that some things are worth crying over, but some things are not. I do recommend the book I mentioned a lot. It helped me to understand my child better so that I could learn to help him deal with his emotions (and my own!) better. Some things you just have to live with, like cutting out tags on clothes, but other things require some training, like eating at least one bite of something, even though it's the wrong color. We also do a lot of crafts where there's no "right way" to do it. I don't require that things look a certain way (hard for perfectionist me!) and give my son chores to do that are a little hard, but do-able. And then I don't fix what he's done.
I also agree with the suggestions of pairing this child up with a friend who's not like her. Especially since she's a middle child with sisters, she needs to have her own friends, even at this age, who aren't in competition with her for mommy's attention. My son doesn't really have that, but he's an oldest child so it's a little different. My friends who have girls make it a priority to give their middle girls playdates without the siblings (my middle child (who's three) is a girl with two brothers, so she's a pretty popular playdate!) to give them a chance to develop friendships on their own.
Sorry this is so long, but I hope this helps! I feel a lot of sympathy for this mom, but as the child gets older and is better able to control her emotions, hopefully it will get better!
Posted by: Lucy | May 12, 2007 12:40 AM
Something I read recently, but can't remember where, was to let your child see you make mistakes. for instance if you drop some food, call her attention to it,"oops, I dropped my applesauce, guess I'd better clean it up" and then take care of it cheerfully and matter-of-factly. if she sees you make mistakes and take them in stride, she may be able to be free to make mistakes herself.
Mrs. N
PS my son is 9 and has those long story times with his stuffed animals, yet he has always struggled with reading. partly because he wants to write the story rather than read it, and gets frustrated when the author chooses words that are different from what he wants to use. just something to keep in mind when she starts reading ;)
Posted by: Mrs. Nehemiah | May 15, 2007 8:47 PM
Hi,
Just reading all the comments. I have a 6 year old son who I now realize is a perfectionist who is terrified of failure. He gets excited about playing soccer, for example and when it gets a bit challenging, he does not want to play anymore. Its so bad at the moment that he cries when its soccer practice and says that the coach shouts at him. How do you handle something like this? Do you push him to try harder and practice more or allow him to stop. This is the same thread that runs through everything new he attempts that is a bit challenging. His teacher does not seem to know how she should handle the fact that he is oversensitive and gets upset
Posted by: Lee-Ann | May 13, 2008 10:26 AM
