June 21, 2007 7:36 AM
A mom expecting twins needs encouragement
Before you read this, I just want to ask you to understand that it takes a lot of courage to bare your emotions in this way - knowing that they may sound horrible to people who may judge you on this little part of yourself. But the tricky thing is that we need to be honest about our ugly emotions in order to deal with them.
This reader wants your input in addition to mine. I hope there are others out there who've dealt with similar issues - or pass this on to mothers of twins who might offer support and encouragement and practical advice.
Dear Barbara, I realise that you are very busy, and I am loathe to contact you ( partly because it wounds my pride to write about this). But I am waking at night in a cold sweat of panic and I don't know where to turn.I am 41 and have 4 lovely sons, age 17,13,9 and 4 years. I live in London in the UK and I homeschool the younger two so I'm already living somewhat outside my 'culture'.
After no.4 I was very clear that I did not want any more children. I pressed my husband until he agreed to book himself in for a vasectomy. Then I found your website and others like Above Rubies ( just through following links while web surfing one night) I was intrigued by your thoughts on families, and gradually I felt less peace about my husbands forthcoming vasectomy. After speaking with him about it, he agreed ( with some relief) to cancel. We tentatively decided to trust God in terms of children, but I still felt ambivalent.
When I found out I was expecting in October this year, I had many mixed feelings (in part because I feel too old to be doing this) but I had begun to feel more accepting and even pleased about it. That all changed last week when I had a scan (as I was planning a homebirth I had decided to have a simple scan just to locate the placenta and check the heart) I have found that I am expecting twins.
It's hard to describe the fear and grief I feel. I love nursing babies. Twins just feel like robbing me of the sweetness of reveling in one baby. I can't imagine the tiredness and chaos and clutter. All that stuff times two! I can't wear two babies ( at least not for very long) How will I manage to homeschool? I am a tidy person who needs a pleasant and reasonably ordered environment, I'm afraid that my home will become a cluttered junk shop. I can't think of one good thing about having twins. I'm ashamed to say that for the first few days my most optimistic thought was that maybe only one would survive. God forgive me.
Just thinking about it and my mouth goes dry with dread. What will become of my life? Will this be the event that will break me?
I now find myself looking at my friends and neighbours and envying their normality, their predictable and ordered 2 and 3 children lives. I feel such a fool for trusting God. My husband and I have been doing babies for 17 years. When do we get time to be a couple? How will this effect our marriage?
Incidentally, he has been amazingly supportive.He is more positive than me but he understands what 'raw fear' and grief feels like and he sympathizes. Sometimes when I wake at 3 in the morning I feel so lonely and afraid I have to wake him up because I'm afraid I'll go mad with my thoughts racing in several directions at once.
I badly need to get a more positive perspective on this, my prayer life has pretty much evaporated as I can hardly bring myself to talk to the God who has done this to me.
I know I sound like a tantrumming toddler, but thats pretty much how I feel. I have a new sympathy with tantrumming toddlers who feel like their lives are being ruined by a mean tyrant.
Any ideas gratefully received.with love
Clare
Oh my goodness, Clare! I am so sorry I did not read this sooner. I was away last week and now just catching up - and I so wish I had been there for you right when you needed it.By now you may have worked through much of what you were working through. Working through emotions is necessary, but unpredictable. Sometimes it can be like slow and steady labor, but that sounds like here you've been working through transition stage :)
And I always wanted to have twins!!! Probably just because I like to be different, or something selfish.
I had my last birth kids at 44 and 45. I had no idea how tired I would feel 15 years later. And since then we've adopted three, so I'm thinking we must have been nuts! I'm at the stage where I'd love to have an orderly environment finally and maybe travel with my husband. But that will probably not be until I am 70. That was just what God had planned for us. And I guess the bottom line is that if it's okay by him, it's okay by me. But then, I had many self-indulgent years before I surrendered my life to him. And I do love this stage of my life - just want to live many more years.
I can't tell you how much it means to me that you trusted me enough to share how you felt honestly. I feel that it's when we keep secrets that the real damage can be done. If you thrash through this stuff now you will be better prepared to enjoy your babies. By now you've probably researched and found some support places for mothers of twins. And how wonderful that your husband is positive.
My, my, my, I must say that God certainly doesn't pull any punches. I remember when I was getting pregnant every 18 months or so and my age was advancing and the OB/GYN would bring out the chart to show me how much more likely I was to have a baby with Down syndrome, and I said, "Oh, well, I want any baby God sends me," but inside I was thinking "Well, God knows I already have my hands full with seven children, He'd never send me a baby with Down syndrome."
And then, sure enough we had Jonny!!! And he was the most wonderful thing that happened in our lives, next to knowing Jesus.
Clearly, God has some special plans to stretch not just you and your husband, but your children. They are a major part of the plan. My children are completely different people because they have Jonny in their lives. And yours will be too because of this new pair of siblings.
Keep me posted! Do you want me to post this at my blog for advice from been there/done that readers?
She did - so please write your thoughts for her. And keep Clare and her family in your prayers.
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Comments
Please continue to trust our good God! The thought of 2 precious babies is such a testimony to the love that you and your husband share and please remember that God never gives us more than we can handle. When He calls us to do something, He always gives us the grace to do it. Please know that I am and will continue to pray for you. You are loved!
Posted by: Linda | June 21, 2007 8:32 AM
Dearest Clare - take heart! God has given you a special calling! Like you, my first reactions to the news of twins were fear and grief. My vision of cuddling up with my precious babe while nursing went POP! But guess what? A few months later I got to cuddle up with TWO babies, snuggled in a wide chair, with their little foreheads touching and holding hands while they nursed. And imagine the deep belly laughs of an older baby times two! It's hilarious :-) Sure, there is more work with two babies, but there is joy, too, and lots of it!
Just like your family adapted to the arrival of each of your sons, you'll do the same again for this expansion. There might be more chaos and clutter, but look past it to the darling babies that you created.
So rest up, eat well, and get ready for the adventure! You can do it!
p.s. My twins are nearly three and I'm pregnant again. I confess to disappointment upon finding out that it's only one baby!
Posted by: Renata | June 21, 2007 8:52 AM
I don't have any personal experience to offer, but I do know that it is possible to nurse twins. A former co-worker of mine nursed her twin girls for, I think, nearly a year. (She also carried them to term, by the way, which I hear is unusual but not unheard of.)
Posted by: Jennifer | June 21, 2007 8:55 AM
Although I'm pressed for time (I'm hoping the little ones don't wake up while I'm writting)I just had to post a comment immediately.
First of all I just want to say "wow, it takes guts to bare your feelings like that". Many of us go thru stages when we are assaulted by feelings like the ones you are sharing here, but we are too afraid to even utter them; so I think it is great that you can identify exactly how you feel and where you are at in regards with having twins. No judgment here, I think it's good when we are able to be brutally honest with ourselves.
That's not to say we should dwell on those thoughts and feelings. As Barbara said, I hope by now you have found some support groups or even soak up on your husband's excitement and begun to see the bright side of things.
My husband is a twin; an identical twin I must say; he and his brother are the closest brothers I have ever seen. They talk to each other several times a day; when they see each other they hug just as they would if they had not seen each other in months. We had lived next to each other for a long time, until recently him and his wife bought a house; they have always followed each other in whatever life throws at them.
I must say, when I married my husband, a territorial fight started between my brother-in-law and me; we both wanted my husband's undivided attention and we both wanted him to take one side; we didn't want to share him. Thank God all that is behind us!
It was really hard for me to understand how they could be so close, until one day he told me the reason why; see, my brother-in-law had leukemia when he was a little boy; my hubby lived in fear of loosing him for many years; when brother-in-law lost all his hair due to the treatment, my hubby shaved his head for the longest time, so he could look just like his brother. The world around them was full of resentment, bitterness, instability, divorce, different partners for his mom and dad, drugs, alcohol, heavy party lifestyle, so the only constant good thing for them was each other. Brother in law knew he could always count on my hubby to be with him.
Then when the nightmare of leukemia faded, my husband faced some very rough times in high school due to some very malicious gossip someone started that affected him greatly. The only person that stood by him unconditionally, without question nor hesitation, was my brother in law.
When he told me their life story I knew their bond was unbreakable; brother in law and I were able to learn our boundaries and we have enjoyed a peaceful relationship for several years now.
The reason why I'm telling you all this is to say that God knew how much they were going to need each other. He knew the things they were going to face and he pair them together so they could support each other and love each other even in the middle of the worse circumstances.
I definitely agree with Barbara, God doesn't throw any punches. He didn't grab your trust in Him in regards to the size of your family, rolled it up in a ball and throw it at your face followed by a set of twins. Truth is He loves you and He knows before your time is over you are going to delight greatly in these babies you have been blessed with. And there is a reason why they must come in two, even it God is the only one who knows it right now.
Tell me, have you been as brutally honest expressing your feelings to God as you have been in this e-mail to Barbara? Yes, you might sound like a trantrumming girl to Him, but when it's over you will feel His love and His arms around you. Believe me, I have done it before. See, sometimes we don't want to "talk" to Him and we go and talk to everybody else about how we feel, unable to find relief; it is not until we bare it all to Him that we begun to find the solace we so desperately need.
I'm a young mom so I will not attempt to give you any advice in how to manage your house, or how the older boys can become involved so your house would still be neat and clean after the babies come; I don't know how you can wear two babies; I don't know how you will be able to homeschool or how you will be able to keep junk and clutter at bay. All I know is that God can see you thru, IF you allow Him to.
I have also learned this past few weeks that where there is fear there is no faith; fear and faith cannot go together; they are opposite of each other. So tell God how afraid you are and ask Him to remove that fear and exchange it for trust.
I also like to point out that, unlike many people, I believe God sometimes gives us more than we can handle, because He wants to show Himself to us. See, when we are able to handle anything that comes our way, we have little need for Him; it's when we got something we cannot handle, a mountain we cannot move, a river too dangerous to cross, that we get to see Him up close and personal.
I think you are at such point in your life right now; this is something you cannot handle on your own, so if you allow Him to, He is about to get very close and personal with you.
I wish I had more time to talk about surrender and the perfect will of God and how your friends and neighbors with their predictable 2 or 3 kids and organized life don't have anything on you, but I must start work around the house. I'll try to add more to this later.
For now, take a deep breath, sip a cup of tea and let you heavenly Father whisper at your ear "I've got you, do not be afraid".
Posted by: LadyLovas | June 21, 2007 9:06 AM
Barbara,
Please offer this dear woman my encouragement and prayers. I know how scary it all can be. I do not have twins but two of my boys are 13months apart. Yep, that was very scary. I wondered how I would manage. But God gave me the grace exactly when I needed it, for two boys. A new friend told me the other day "God is unpredictable but consistent. You can not trust in what He is doing, you can only trust in Who He Is." I love that. It give me so much peace to take my eyes off my circumstances and put them on God. Beth Moore says to imagine the Father turning to the Son and saying, "She believed me today." That is my heartfelt desire...to believe God, just for today.
IN HIM always,
Julie
Posted by: julie | June 21, 2007 9:11 AM
I know something of what you're going through -- I just recently got out of the "baby phase," and now I'm about to enter it again! You definitely have the advantage on me in one area, though -- your oldest is much older than my oldest! An experienced dad told me recently that having 3 little ones was the hardest; after that, with each pregnancy, he'd sit the older kids down and talk with them about picking up the slack. I'd suggest that you and your husband do that with your older kids -- figure out what's important to you, and make sure everyone knows what's at the top of the to-do list.
Also important -- enlist help from outside the family, whenever possible! Not so much with the babies -- although with two, I'm sure that there'll be times when an extra set of arms will come in handy -- but with everything else around you, so that your house can be a calm place where you can relax and focus on taking care of your kids. One idea I've heard a lot at La Leche League meetings -- make a list of what needs doing, and post it on the fridge. That way, when someone comes over and asks if you need anything, you can point them to the list; you're not directly asking anyone to scrub your toilet, but it's on the list (along with other, less "gross" jobs), so they can choose it if they want to! You might be surprised what people are willing to do if you just ask.
I'll be praying for you. As my grandfather-in-law used to say about babies, "They bring the love with them." I bet you'll fall in love with these two babies as soon as you see them -- maybe even before.
Newt
Posted by: Newt Sherwin | June 21, 2007 9:30 AM
What a beautiful encouragement, LadyLovas. I needed that too!
All I have to add is that I feel the same way about clutter, junk, and a disorderly house. I just had my fourth, and while some (who have 7) think, oh that's easy- no way! Bedrest made things very difficult, and by the time the baby came I was already out of control of my own household. The best advice I got was from my midwife, "Focus on the most important, and that is your children."
My baby is 7 months old now, and I am just now getting back to the "orderly house" days. My kitchen counters are finally (mostly) clear & clean. It feels good, but I know it was the best thing I could have done- to ignore them for months while I got things within under control (and focused on my babies!).
I am feeling the same way you did at number four. I am *done*, and if there weren't this tiny thought in my soul that reminds me that sex is not just for fun (and that in ten years I might want another baby), my hubby would have his appointment next week! I am trying so hard to get around the things I have read by the "top 10 lies" lady and the quiver-full people. I believe it is a conviction, but I am still looking for a way out!
Please come back and share of the blessing these babies are going to be to you. Even if it takes two years, please come share.
So taking the focus back off of myself, you will get through this, and in the end it will all be worth it. Take LadyLovas' advice. I know I need to!
Posted by: bonnie | June 21, 2007 10:40 AM
Clare,
There were two things that you said that really jumped out at me and I wanted to address. WARNING: Lots of scripture ahead. Can't help it; I have no words to comfort you apart from what God Himself has said.
You said: I feel such a fool for trusting God.
So many times I have determined to “trust God” for something while still (and often times, unbeknownst to me) having an idea in my head of how I would like Him to work it out. Countless times, my own agenda has been shattered and left me in a very similar place to where you are right now. My story is not specifically twin-related but I don’t believe your struggle is ultimately twin-related, either. It’s trust-related. While God does say (my paraphrase) “if you stand here, I can pour out my blessings on you.” He doesn’t say “If you do what I say, I will give you what you want.” I used to think He did. You know, “give me the desires of my heart” sounds like a win-win situation to me. But the context of that promise is crucial.
Psalm 37:3-5
Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
We have much to do on our end in order to bring about what God desires to be in our heart. Much very hard work, that trusting, delighting, committing. I am camping right this very day on Mark 12:30; “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strength.” That’s a full-time job right there.
If you must, cut this part out and tape it to your bathroom mirror:
YOU ARE NEVER A FOOL FOR TRUSTING GOD.
You also said: I can hardly bring myself to talk to the God who has done this to me.
It’s okay if there are no words right now and it’s okay if there is no desire to talk with Him. He knew when you determined to trust Him that this would be part of the process and He’s not worried about losing you. If you belong to Him, nothing can make that happen, not even you being angry at Him.
2 Timothy 2:12-14
“If we don't give up, we will rule with him.
If we deny that we know him, he will deny that he knows us.
If we are not faithful, he will still be faithful.
Christ cannot deny who he is."
You have done a very courageous thing by asking your sisters to hold you up and encourage you. I hope that we are faithful to do that to God’s glory. This struggle you’re going through did not come to stay, it came to pass. Your job is to hold tight to the bar and ride it out. I am trusting God for you, since you can’t do it yourself right now, that what God has “done to you” will one day soon be a blessing in your eyes and not a curse.
Final words: tell him the truth, don’t hold back, listen intently for His voice, and then, finally you WILL be able to loosen your grip, turn your palms up to him and accept all that He has to pour out on you and your family.
He will come to us like the rain, like the latter and former rains to the earth. Hosea 6:3
Posted by: dallimomma | June 21, 2007 10:47 AM
hugs to you and many prayers are being sent from across the pond from me to you, Claire.
my final pregnancy was admittedly a delightful surprises and, like you, i was so looking forward to savoring the sweetness of it all. i had complications that confined me to bed for over three months. i confess i was so angry (and scared) and cried many bitter tears over being cheated out of the perfect pregnancy that i desired to complete my family.
like barbara, i support you completely on stating your feelings out loud. it doesn't mean anything bad, it just shows you are a real, live human woman with a kaleidoscope of emotions.
hang in there.
i have no doubt your family will be covered with prayers and well wishes all over the world and i pray that they will be the healing balm your heart and mind needs right now.
take care.
Posted by: laura | June 21, 2007 11:11 AM
Your honesty is so refreshing. Though circumstances were different, I have been to that emotional place you're describing. It is a HARD place to be. No doubt about it...it is devastating!
The other posts have been, in my opinion, extremely encouraging and have given many great points and are probably far more of what you were seeking and needing than mine will be. Since I have been repeatedly accused of having a male personality and male logic in a woman's body, I realize I'll find it difficult to break from here. At the risk of being insensitive (something I wish to acknowledge and apologize for immediately), and at the risk of being too unemotional and too practical to be of any help, I'd like to add my two cents worth of suggestions.
If I were facing the same situation as you are, I would begin by trying to find some hands on help. I would ask at my church or at any mother's or homeschool group I could find and see if there were a young girl who would possibly be willing to become a mother's helper. Some girls in our area are willing to even donate their time in this capacity to learn babysitting skills and mothering skills that they may find difficulty finding elsewhere. Extra hands are invaluable and can give you some much needed peace of mind.
If extra hands are not available, as they weren't for a time in my case--I found the book "Manager of Their Homes" by Steven and Teri Maxwell invaluable. By doing my best to schedule my time in a reasonable and structured way (yet allowing flexibility where needed!), I was able to carve out what seemed like several extra hours in my day to accomplish what I needed to. An added benefit is that my children seemed to absolutely flourish when introduced to a structured schedule. They knew what to expect and what was expected and each child seemed to be blessed by this.
Then...at the risk of being extremely controversial (cringe...please don't hate me!), while acknowledging that many folks disagree, we did put our children on a "Baby Wise" feeding schedule. I know there are folks who dislike the author's take on some subjects, but we found this schedule to be a lifesaver. I had a child who was 5 months old, who was waking up every hour during the night and not napping during the day. I had no help, other children to tend and a husband working at a job that left him physically exhausted by the time he walked through the door. I was at my wit's end, more exhausted than I can describe and willing to try anything (5 months of sleep deprivation will do that for you)! Someone mentioned this system, we tried it and within 5 days my son was sleeping 10 peaceful hours a night and indulging in a 3 hour nap during the day. We raised all of our other children on this schedule as well. But I must stress...use discernment before adhering religiously to any system when it comes to children. All children are different and unique and no one system works for all cases. I only even mention this book because it worked for us...before our son I was an absolute and vocal advocate of demand feeding until extreme sleep deprivation nearly cost me my health and sanity...then suddenly I became "open" to other methods.
Finally, while right now it may be very hard to pray and seek God while you are hurting....focusing on the character of God can help you overcome your anger... I can absolutely understand your anger and your hurt, I know I'd probably feel exactly the same in your circumstances....but consider...who is God really? Would He really place you into a situation and then not equip you with the tools to succeed in it? Would He really abandon you to your own inadequacies....or is He seeking to bring you to a deeper faith...a deeper understanding of His power and love? Through your utter weakness...He is strong. Talk to God, express your anger and frustration, be brutally honest with Him--He can handle it! And when you're through...spiritually prostrate yourself before Him, submit to Him and His higher ways, and lean on His strength hour by hour, minute by minute.....acknowledging your inadequacies...and trusting Him to intervene in the areas where you are weak. Either He is worthy of your absolute allegiance and devotion, or He isn't... He is either worthy of your trust...or He isn't. Decide...and then throw yourself wholeheartedly into His arms and let Him carry you through...He WILL NOT stumble...He WILL NOT drop you...He WILL NOT let you fall....for He IS faithful...He IS worthy....He IS willing to carry you....
Posted by: Jessie Pigman | June 21, 2007 11:26 AM
As a mother of twin girls (they will be 3 next month), I can tell you that just your willingness to be so candid about your feelings will take you far!! I'll be honest; I struggled with the very thoughts you are experiencing, and these were my first children and I was younger. The first year is tough! You will feel stretched beyond your physical capabilities, and you will feel "divided" in the love and affection you can give them individually.
I tell you this not to discourage you, but to affirm your feelings, and say it's okay!! It was only after I stopped beating myself up about how different this situation was compared to a single baby, that I could begin to realize the positive aspects and the "blessings".
And let me say, today, my daughters are the joy of my life!! All the hard work of those first several months was totally worth it. It is amazing to witness the development of this unique relationship, and to be the "mother" is a wonderful privilege.
After my girls' first birthday, I spent several months journaling my feelings over that first year - through the complicated pregnancy, the NICU, prematurity, and on and on, to the milestone of age one with two babies. It was incredibly therapeutic for me. I'll leave you with the last thoughts I wrote in a journal entry describing the challenges and joys of twins.
"All in all, having twins is what I never expected...the lowest of lows, and the highest of highs. It has never been, and will never be, just mediocre. It is at times a blessing and a curse, a joy and a pain. But this is my life now - forever changed by God's gracious gift. And I am eternally indebted."
And I just betcha - sometimes in the future, those thoughts will ring true for you. Enjoy the journey!! It's a wild ride at times, but one you would never want to miss.
Posted by: Shanna | June 21, 2007 11:49 AM
I know this might seem a bit off topic, but when I was expecting my third child at 35, I was full of fear and kept trying to make bargains with God...my big fear was having a child with autism, I would pray " I'll cope with any physical handicap God, but please don't send me an autistic child, I just couldn't cope"....the thing is God is bigger, unfathomable and knew me better than I knew myself....I got an autistic child, and he is the biggest blessing I have ever had, he brought me back to God and confidence in life and myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that God has given you your own special calling, to mother twins, like he gave me with my autistic son, I'll be praying for you.
I also live in the UK, but in Norwich...sorry it's not nearer as I would love to have been able to give you physical help
Posted by: Sue | June 21, 2007 12:22 PM
Ditto to EVERYTHING that has been said, especially LadyLovas- I hope she comes back with more comments.:)
You will be in my prayers, Clare. The Elisabeth Elliot devotional I received today in my inbox strangely calls to me to be noted here; I'll copy and paste it since the website it comes from is time-sensitive:
How to Do the Job You Don't Really Want To Do
Certain aspects of the job the Lord has given me to do are very easy to postpone. I make excuses, find other things that take precedence, and, when I finally get down to business to do it, it is not always with much grace. A new perspective has helped me recently:
The job has been given to me to do.
Therefore it is a gift.
Therefore it is a privilege.
Therefore it is an offering I may make to God.
Therefore it is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him.
Therefore it is the route to sanctity.
Here, not somewhere else, I may learn God's way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness. The discipline of this job is, in fact, the chisel God has chosen to shape me with--into the image of Christ.
Thank you, Lord, for the work You have assigned me. I take it as your gift; I offer it back to you. With your help I will do it gladly, faithfully, and I will trust You to make me holy.
Posted by: Valerie@Consider It Done | June 21, 2007 12:23 PM
Clare you should check out the website Twin Connections (there is also a triplet connections). The families there have been through twins or are in the middle of twins or are expecting twins and will have a lot of support and practical advice (how to nurse twins, the best double strollers, how to help two toddlers down a flight of stairs at the same time) and it could be a very helpful practical resource for you. Getting practical tips on how other families have coped could go a long way to reducing your stress level about the coming twins.
In the un-asked for advice department, now that you know you are expecting twins be sure to get the extra medical checks a twin pregnancy brings and discuss very carefully the idea of a homebirth with your practioner - it may not be the best option for you now. Sorry if that was over-stepping the bounds of your request...
Posted by: swissmiss | June 21, 2007 12:44 PM
Clare,
I identify with the fear you express, the fear of going through what God is calling me to do. I think your fear is something you should not be ashamed of. When I read your post, all I could think of was Jesus in the Garden the night before He died. Granted, you aren't dying on a cross by bearing twins..... or are you? Because you have 4 kids already, you understand the very real sacrifices we make for our children. You are looking down the road, seeing the sacrifice, and you are understandably scared. So was Jesus. And, well, if you think about it, what about Moses? He wasn't all like "Yipee! God wants me!" Nope. He said "Oh, man, God, you've got the wrong guy. I'm too scared. I'm a poor speaker. I...I...I....just really don't want to!!!" I'm sure there are plenty more examples.
Take your fear to God and express it and let Him help you with it. Then look for practical advice from moms of multiples about family management. I'm all about practical advice! And then, maybe, you might want to watch some moms and their mutiples interact. See the babies laugh at each other. See a mom breastfeed two babies at once. Just start seeing the joy that will be always intermingled with the sacrifice.
Many hugs and prayers for you!
Posted by: Jill (colicmommy) | June 21, 2007 12:44 PM
Twins....ahh the memories. When my son was a year old, we thought that we would start trying to have another child. We got pregnant relatively soon and I waited to go to the doctor/midwife right away, because I figured that I just had a child, I could wait a long time until my next exam, I knew how to do this...right?
Little did I know, but within my womb were two little identical girls...having many complications from "twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome".
If you want to read my pregnancy journal it is here: http://www.storknet.com/journals/becky.htm
So, they were born preemies and they were in the NICU for a month. The first few years were hard. I'm not trying to scare you, but they were. Maybe your older children will be a lot of help for you? I had a child under 2~he couldn't really help... Your older children will be a huge blessing by helping you.
I am not trying to sugar coat everything by making a blanket statement here, but while the first few years consisted of a lot of work, a lot of patience(which I just didn't have), a lot of stress on our marriage, and a lot of scariness.... we made it through it.
I wouldn't go back to those times by choice, but the end results have been such a blessing, *such an incredible blessing*, it's hard to describe.
I will post a picture of them at my website if you want to see what incredible creatures they are. I love them like I never thought that I could when those first few moments were happening. It passed, those terrible times and now I am reaping it's blessings.
Please hang in there, though it seems so awful right now, our imagination can make things so much more worse than it can be. At least, that's how it was for me.
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication,with thanksgiving, Let your requests be made known to God;, and the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7
This is my verse for how I got through those rough times, I hand it to you to put around your house and read over and over again. You will make it. You will.
~B
Posted by: B | June 21, 2007 1:17 PM
Hi Clare,
I hope that you are finding some comfort and encouragement from the comments here. There is some wonderful advice from the folks above!
There isn't too much for me to add - except to say, Clutter isn't the end of the world. Order isn't everything. Tidy isn't even equivalent to holiness.
I think many of us "like" these things - but they aren't everything. Sometimes, life just isn't like we think it should be and our days aren't as peaceful as we hope. But they can be so rich and rewarding. I think that we can learn a lot thru the chaotic days, when God alone gets us thru. (And I speak of one who is experiencing much chaos right now - and as one who truly loves order and lack of clutter.)
You mentioned your relationship with your husband - when will you get to be a couple? Every day, dear. EVERY DAY that you are given to be together. You were a couple when these little ones were created. You are a couple as you experience this pregnancy. You are a couple thru the newborn days, and when they learn to walk, and when they turn two. Don't wait for all of the kids to be grown to feel like you have couple time. Share those smiles and joy and love with and among and around and over those six children! They will be so much richer for having seen that Mom and Dad loved each other!
Posted by: Holly | June 21, 2007 1:56 PM
Clare,
I am a mother of 4...8, 6 and twin 3 year olds...the third pregnancy was planned...then not planned...then pregnant...then TWINS! I can only say I was horrified...and couldn't even react the way I wanted to because in my ultrasound (date check I thought), I had invited my friends 11 year old daughter so she could see it...WOW, who wants to scream and cry in front of an 11 year old??
Gradually, it became exciting...REALLY exciting, this is a part of this world you get to be a part of...how cool...
On to the birth and the nursing...it was awesome! Don't get me wrong, it was hard at first, but so is nursing one baby...but nursing twins, it was AMAZING! I nursed them for 15 months NO SUPPLEMENTING...nursed them at the same time and loved it...even got "caught" by our youth minister while nursing (no shirt, NICE). It was awesome! I am totally open to any questions or help you might need...and if somehow, you are in TN, let me know and I can come by...
jtcosby@comcast.net
www.cosbyfamily1.blogspot.com
Posted by: Tamara Cosby | June 21, 2007 2:28 PM
I felt those same feeling over 14 years ago when I found out I was expecting twins. I thought for sure my life was over. How would I be able to do anything?
Your mind can come up with these fears based on past circumstances. But you really can't imagine the precious things that come with multiples until you've had them. The way they will wiggle to be close to each other is just positively amazing. Watching them smile at each other etc.
Baby #4 has actually been more difficult than those first two. I had to realize it wasn't just about me as mom. It was about us as a family. I had to let my older kids in. It's an amazing gift to give them too. Make those boys some manly man slings. Let them wear a baby. Let them smell that intoxicating baby head smell. And set them well on their way to becoming amazing fathers.
Also for the record, my twins "routined" (not quite scheduled" themselves. There was only 2 times that they both needed a bottle at the same time. (long story about why nursing didn't work when now I know it could have)
They would take turns every feeding.
Posted by: whimsy | June 21, 2007 3:04 PM
Isn't it wonderful how many of us have stories of how God has moved us from our comfort zone into completely trusting Him?
I have so much to write and want to encourage you, but I already wrote it. Here's a link about my journey through wanting and having more babies. It is still a journey I am walking through especially when people ask, "Don't you know what causes that?"
http://redheadedranting.blogspot.com/2007/02/dont-you-know-what-causes-that.html#links
Posted by: Kristin | June 21, 2007 3:12 PM
Dear Clare,
Can I just tell you that I KNOW how you feel. Before I was ever married, you know when girls sit and talk about their futures, friends would say to me how much they would love to have twins. I would reply with an emphatic "ARE YOU CRAZY!" I NEVER EVER desired to have twins. Then, as you can guess, I found out with my first pregnancy that I was having twins. I was devastated. I cried the whole 1st 3 months. I even told God I could 'handle' it if I miscarried them. To me that would be an easier burden to carry then to care for infant twins. You are not alone in your feelings. Then can you believe that I got pregnant again when the twins were only 7 months old. Not only that, but my husband was in the Navy at the time. He was sent on deployments. We lived away from family.
Here is the best encouragement I can give to you, God will give you the grace you need. People ask me constantly "How do you do it?" I always answer, "With the Grace of God." He has revealed Himself to ways that I never could have imagined.
I am not going to tell you that it was easy. I am not going to tell you that nursing my twins was always a joy. It was hard for me. BUT....I will tell you this.....My twins are now 11. I also have a 9 year old, a 7 year old, a one year old, and another baby coming in October. Once my twins became mobile (around 6 months) they were a lot easier than any of my singletons. They had each other.
Homeschooling is easier too. I get to do 2 in one grade at a time. My 9 year old is also in the same grade as them.
Today I am absolutely THRILLED that the Lord allowed ME to be the mother of twins. They are such a joy to me.
If you would ever like to email me directly about anything at all regarding twins, infant or older, I would love to chat. ~Dawn (plaidhearts@gmail.com)
Posted by: Dawn | June 21, 2007 4:01 PM
While I did not have older children (and that is a HUGE difference!), I did have triplets at age 40. Everyone told me I couldn't breastfeed. Wrong! There are few sights as precious as two babies, nursing happily, holding hands, gazing lovingly into each others eyes. I also did some supplementing with bottles - nursing was so much easier! Nothing to heat, nothing to wash, never short on supplies or powder.
I also was able to sleep with my babies at night (one at a time). What a blessing that was, both in terms of getting more sleep at night plus being able to spend time cuddling with just one baby.
FWIW, while I could not wear my babies due to my back being hurt from the pregnancy, I know lots of twin moms who do.
I was able to get us all on a gentle yet predictable routine. NOT BabyWise, nothing like that. Just a predictable routine of about when the babies would be sleeping or awake. For the most part the babies were demand fed, either by nursing or bottles (hey, sometimes the well ran dry, if you get my meaning). Having a routine made life much easier as I was able to plan ahead.
I had to let go my standards for housekeeping in the beginning. It just was not reasonable to expect my life not to change with the demands of newborn multiples. I'd like to gently suggest you rethink the importance of a spotless house. Remember that the newborn phase is just that, a phase. It's temporary. Holding on to perfectionism in regards to controlling everything in your life and keeping a neat & tidy house during that time will just ruin what can be a magical experience. I must say, though, that when I finally had regained my strength to even think of doing housework, it was great to just plop my babies in their little seats & tote them from room to room so they could watch me do my chores. That way they were still with me, but I was able to get a few things done here & there.
I agree with the suggestion that you find some outside help of some kind, if at all possible. I would think that it's entirely reasonable to expect your older children to really step up & help around the house.
Here is a URL to a fantastic support group for practicing attachment parenting with multiples:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/apmultiples/
Most of the moms there are twin moms. Karen Gromada, who wrote the book "Mothering Mutiples", is a member of the group. I highly recommend you get this book ASAP, as it will give you the details you need (and you need them fairly quickly, yes?) so you can have realistic expectations and a plan of action when the babies come.
Oh, and congratulations!
Posted by: Tulip | June 21, 2007 5:56 PM
Dearest Clare,
Congratulations on your twin pregnancy! God is certainly not pulling a fast one on you, He has blest you twice! Although I do not have twins, my youngest and tenth child, Samuel, has Down Syndrome. Just as in Barbara's comment, I did not think God would send me a son with D.S. because I already had my hands full with 9 children. However, Samuel has brought a special kind of love and joy to our family that only he can bring. I too, like you, was so hurt that God would send me a "broken baby" and here I was, trying to be open to life! Is this the thanks I get from God? Making my life more difficult with a child with a disability? Now, almost two years later, I have gotten through the hardest part of his heart surgery and getting him eating properly and him getting around well and I look back at my confused, hurt, sad, angry, and grief filled days in the months after his birth and I see how God has brought me through it all. I have learned to trust Him at a much deeper level and I have learned to see the little joys that are continuously before me in all of my 10 children and especially in Samuel. Yes, God is GOOD and He knows so much better what we need to grow closer to Him than we know ourselves.
All of the above advice is so great. I think every mom who wrote has a true sisterly love for you. Many have shared very personal feelings with great risk involved. What it really shows is that all of us suffer in one way or another and that no one's life is perfect, uncomplicated, or difficult. What wonderful testimonies to God's love for us!
Just a couple of more comments: your older sons will learn so much about babies and this will help them be good fathers. My older sons have sure learned much from their younger siblings about child care and about how wonderful babies are.
As for those acquaintances who look like they have calm and predictable lives with their 2-3 children, just wait a few more years. They will secretly share their sadness with you that they did not have at least one more child. When we started having number 6 and so on, the parents who had kids the same age as my older kids looked at me with pity, confusion, and even ridicule. But now that their children have left the nest, they tell me that they wish they would have had at least one more child or even more because now they see how quickly children grow up and they see that their material possessions they've been able to acquire are just not as wonderful as a new baby!
And lastly, think about what a pro-life statement you are making by having twins at age 41! Your family will be a very positive example of a large and loving family to everyone who sees you. In an age where children are viewed as a "right" and not necessarily a blessing, you are making a huge statement on the beauty of human life. Pope John Paul II said that the greatest gift parents can give to their children is the gift of a sibling. As my family has grown, I believe this through and through! Mother Teresa of Calcutta said "How can there be too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers." You won't have to say a word, your beautiful children will be more than words can ever say.
And for fun, I really enjoy the music of Marie Bellet (www.mariebellet.com). As a mom of 9, she writes of the ups and downs of family life in a bluegrass style of song. I have about worn out her four C.D.'s because they are so encouraging and perfectly capture what being a mom is all about, the gift of self.
I will pray for you and your wonderful family! Julie
Posted by: Julie | June 21, 2007 8:03 PM
I'm reading this with my friend Rosemary, mother of 10, who wants to tell you the following, "when I was 46, and expecting my 10th child, I felt as though I was invading a world which didn't belong to me anymore. I had to remind myself that God felt I belonged to that world, and it was His good grace that allowed me to be in that world. Now that she is 15, I long for the days of nursing my treasure from 'another world'.
I had a lot of help from my older children when the baby was born, which I didn't have earlier with the youngest children. To tell you the truth, I would do it again, I was so privileged to be entrusted with this miracle.:
Posted by: Leticia | June 21, 2007 8:20 PM
I don't have twins. Every pregnancy I entertain the hope that it's twins, but it's not. I do know that it's possible to wear two babies at once I've seen people do it. Most often I've seen them use the Native Sling because it's fitted and doesn't use rings and babies can't fall out.
Posted by: carrien | June 21, 2007 11:15 PM
Dear Claire, First, Congratulations!! You are on an adventure. My younger brothers are twins and I always envied them because they always had an ally (and sometimes a head to head competitor). I had my last child at 42 and I understand the horrible feelings that I can't do this. But then the child is born and soon you can not image life without them. Look up people who have twins and ask questions. Read blogs about mom's of twins. Don't beat yourself up about your feelings right now, you know how to care and love your husband and older children, when the time comes, you will love the new twins and so will they. One blog on twins I enjoy reading from an adoptive mother of Chinese girls recently talked about her little girls relationship http://salsainchina.blogspot.com/2007/06/i-heart-my-sister.html
You will be in my prayers for the remainder of your pregnancy. Strong feelings are normal and God can use them for good.
Jane
PS Should I pray for girls?
Posted by: Jane Duquette | June 22, 2007 12:09 AM
Well. By the time I'd done reading these wonderful comments...crying... writing out scripture passages... blowing my nose... phoning my mum and reading the comments down the phone to her... crying with mum... joining the yahoo group... blowing my nose... ordering the book...crying again...etc, I was too tuckered out to respond properly and just went to bed.
I am so deeply touched and grateful to you Barbara, and to your wonderful readers who have taken the time to send me such thoughtful and wise encouragement.
I wish I could live near you all. What a tonic you would be. Thats too much to wish for this side of heaven,so, until then, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Posted by: Clare | June 22, 2007 11:41 AM
Hey, Ladies. You are encouraging ME! :) (And I'm only expecting baby number 8 at age 38, not twins at 41!) :)
Posted by: Holly | June 22, 2007 12:25 PM
Claire,
I too commend your honesty! I want to get to that place, too. I have wanted twins for as long as I can remember, but every time I get pregnant, the idea of actually having them is pretty scary.
I just had my 6th child at 39, and she died before she turned 7 months old. She was sick, and her life was very hard for her, and then she died. I also felt stupid for trusting God with my fertility. Now there is no way for me to have another baby before I'm 41, and I want nothing more than to have another baby! And if God blessed me with twins,I think it would take the sting away from having lost my sweet baby. Even though I homeschool, and my life has returned to some semblance of normality.
I know what you mean about wishing to be like the neighbors--their life seems so much more manageable. But your ability to be neat and clean will serve you well with your larger family. And you have older children to help hold and diaper, etc. It makes everything sweeter. My oldest daughter is such a better person for having to take care of younger siblings. It has humanized my oldest son, as well.
Thank you for sharing your emotions with us. You are an example for us all.
God bless you.
Posted by: angie | June 22, 2007 2:39 PM
Praying for you!!! God has you in his hand!
Posted by: Lisa | June 22, 2007 6:31 PM
I am in the middle of what I consider to be difficult circumstances. I won't go into detail but suffice to say "I have my hands full" and prioritizing is a challenge.
I have been thinking a lot lately about whether or not I can trust God. I think what I have figured out is that I absolutely cannot trust God to prevent suffering. Gods plan for me does at times include a lot of physical or emotional pain and discomfort. Sometimes Gods plan for me is days and days of endless stress and frustration.
What I CAN trust God for is an awareness of His presence in my life. I can trust Him to reveal Himself to me when I most need Him, as a reminder that this isn't all for nothing. My real home is in heaven and all this earth stuff, the good and the bad, is just a preparation for it.
God Bless you! I am praying.
Posted by: paigeu | June 22, 2007 6:39 PM
Dear Clare,
Thank you for your honesty. The only thing that scared me about twins was the money. That works itself out. My twins were premature at 34 weeks with no complications.
I am the proud SAHM mother of 14 mo old boy/girl twins. I cannot imagine my life any different. I am 37 years old/young....depending on what day you catch me :) I will say that there are days in which I am very tired. Sit down with your husband and talk about your feelings. Also pray about them. This is really crazy timing because I have just been asked to speak at our NICU on parenting twins. I have a sheet of helpful hints if you wish to email your address to me. My email is ssakmary@hotmail.com. As you are already a mother, Im sure you know about alot of the hints.
I wish you well with your little ones. Please email me if you wish.
Shannon in Austin Texas
Posted by: Shannon Best | June 22, 2007 7:39 PM
I can offer a little insight here. I was the nanny to a couple that thought a third child just might be a good idea. But God had other plans for them. #3 turned into #3 and #4! The mom I worked for was VERY overwhelmed. But wisely, she knew she could not go it alone. While she did have the financial means to hire me, she accepted any and every offer for help that came her way. People knew that if they offered to take her older girls for a play date, she would accept. If she had 2 offers at the same time, she made certain to reschedule one of them.
I won't lie to you. Twins are tough when they are little. But around 9 months they "discover" one another and begin playing and interacting with one another and really don't need anything else but food and a little attention from mom and dad.
It's not nearly as bad as you think it will be.
Don't hesitate asking for help and be patient, those babies will love one another and bring such love (and attention!) to you family.
Posted by: MamaLady | June 23, 2007 12:44 AM
I so hear you! I was 23, and single and found out that I was having twin girls... talk about feeling scared, alone, shocked... The body of Christ surrounded me with encouragement and a ton of help, both materially and with their hands. I came to know what Christ looked like through his workers.
I wore my babies- front pack, back pack or sling- that was how dinner happened. My girls were well adjusted because they were often held by people other than myself. They have grown into confident, friendly girls, comfortable in their own skin. They are the best of buddies- and because they had eachother I wasn't the only one who had to be on the floor playing with them- they had a build-in playmate.
As they grew from infanthood I came to understand that it wasn't all about me- MY initial disappointment, MY lost dreams of individuality, MY baby (when it turned into babIES), the expense of double, even MY dreams for them in a two parent household- I learned that God was pushing me out of my comfort zone to ASK for and accept humbly help and depend on HIM and His plans for me. I finally learned how to accept a compliment and how to ask, and give, help. If I hadn't been pushed, I may have never learned these lessons.
My twins celebrate their 9th birthday tomorrow. I married an amazing man who only grew more amazing to me as I watched him parent his 3 from a previous marriage, my 2 and now our baby. I too homeschool and now am expecting the 7th addition to our blended family (I also confess to a little disappointment that this baby was not a twin!) I wonder how I will manage with our numbers, but am comforted by His daily provision for me and my clan. See the scripture below and note that He "will stengthen your frame."
Isaiah 58:11
The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
Your "fruit" will be be a blessing to you. It is not always easy, but I cannot begin to explain the amazing blessing of twins... I cannot now imagine life without the duo.
Posted by: Sunsyns247 | June 26, 2007 12:58 PM
I didn't get a chance to read all of the comments, so someone may have already written this, but:
TWINS ARE WONDERFUL! I honestly blacked out when the sonogram revealed I was expecting twins. I had a 3 yr. old and an 11-mo. old. already. I had those same feelings: "maybe one will die...maybe I didn't hear right..." Horrid, horrid, PERFECTLY NORMAL sinful nature thoughts. Steep yourself in the Word of God! He alone knows you and yours best and desires our worship. He knows what He is doing.
Now I LOVE twins! Honestly, it is the only time that you get to see two little people of the same age interact. Usually, the only time two tiny people (say, up to the age of 3-ish) are together is nursery, and they don't interact there. But to see two five-day olds interacting (yes, they hold hands and snuggle and love to share a crib), and then two five-month olds, etc. etc. etc. Mine just turned two (with a new 4-mo. old sister!) and I am so glad God gave them to us.
Yes, you will be tired. But no more tired than you probably already are. Being pregnant with twins was the MOST tiring thing I've ever done. And you have older children to help! They will be a big help to you and love those babies.
Actually, I have to say that, beyond getting the kids into the car, twins are actually EASIER than singles (in my case) as they entertain each other and seem to be much more laid-back.
Anyway. Someone else has probably already said all this and said it better. You are not alone! Yes, you can do it! And even if you can't, GOD CAN!
And you will love the world of mothers who have multiples. They will bombard you from every corner and swap stories and hints. They are the closest things to fairy-godmothers we have :)
Enjoy!
Rachel
Posted by: Rachel | June 26, 2007 3:22 PM
Twins are amazing...I had mine alomst 13 years ago...boy/girl..I will say that the first 3 years are busy but they play together and they have such a strong bond with each other...that does not fade over time..it only grows stronger...yes it is possible to breast feed but you need to make sure you have enough milk which I didn't so I gave what I could and then supplemented with the bottle...mine slept in the same crib for the first 4 months...they were so used to being side by side I didn't want to change that too soon. I must say you do have alot on your plate considering you already have children but twins really are a blessing..I wish you much luck!
Posted by: Claire | September 22, 2007 9:50 AM
