June 20, 2007 8:51 PM
Divorce hurts kids - marriages can mend
When it comes to expressing what we find wrong with same-sex marriage, Christians have lost a lot of moral high ground because we have not held marriage as sacred as we should have.
Did you know that the divorce rates are pretty much the same inside the church and out?
I discussed this subject in my book Reaching the Left from the Right: Talking About Social Issues with People Who Don't Think Like You. But you don't have to read my book to begin thinking about how hypocritical it must seem to others when we claim marriage is sacred while doing such good job of trashing it ourselves.
I'm not saying that this means same-sex marriage is okay. It's not. But neither is divorce. My first marriage ended up in divorce (my fault) because I didn't know any better. I'd grown up with no moral foundation and a mother who was married three times herself.
By the time I became a Christian, I was married again and had five children. But I still live with the negative consequences of that divorce - two children and ten grandchildren who have an extra set of grandparents and the inevitable confusion. Not to mention how creepy my next ten children must find it to imagine that their mother was married to another man before their father. Yes, I know kids grow up with that all the time - but it still feels weird, especially when you're being brought up in a Christian home.
Which leads me to two things I want to share.
Dean Abbot, of Inspired By a True Story wrote me over a month ago:
I am just starting to think about a project on children of divorce, so I'm collecting stories. Any of your readers who want to contribute a story of how their parents divorce affected them, can leave their story in the comment thread at Divorce Proceedings.
I checked with him, and he is still collecting stories - plus it may be helpful for some of us still processing the fallout of our parents' divorces to read the comments already there.
The second thing I want to say is that on January 2, 2008, Tripp and I will celebrate our 25th anniversary. As many of you know, we got married almost in spite of ourselves - two recovering alcoholics with little emotional maturity. But we were committed. Four years into our marriage, we were on the road to divorce, when - as a last-ditch effort - I signed us up for a marriage retreat that changed our marriage and our lives forever.
It's called A Weekend to Remember and we still recommend it to anyone who wants a better marriage. When we owned a company in California, we would send employees whose marriages were breaking down to the same conference, even babysitting their kids.
I just want to recommend this to anyone who feels like their marriage needs a makeover. It really works. Here are Tripp and I 20 years and seven more kids later. No, our marriage has not been perfect. And there have been some pretty tough times. But I think what we are deceived when we think that marriage is about fulfillment and happiness. It's really more about commitment and sacrifice and service.
It seems to me that when you are seeking your own happiness you will never find it. But when you seek to help others, you will indeed find true joy. Maybe my take on marriage is unusual, but I see marriage as a partnership where two people can join together to do more to accomplish God's purposes than they could do on their own.
Posted in Marriage | Permalink
Comments
Barbara, I can not say enough good things about FamilyLife and their weekend to remember conferences -- and I haven't been to one yet -- however, I have seen first hand the good it can do in a marriage and have heard other testimonies one just this past spring to the very conference I was hoping to attend.
Posted by: Maria | June 20, 2007 10:24 PM
It seems to me that when you are seeking your own happiness you will never find it. But when you seek to help others, you will indeed find true joy.
This is beautiful! I always like to imagine my relationship with my husband as if we are one -- it's us (with God) together for or against, or whatever...but always together.
-- Amanda, wife to John since Jan. 7, 1995
Posted by: Amanda | June 20, 2007 11:31 PM
And I agree with you, 100 percent, Barbara. Thanks!
Posted by: Holly | June 21, 2007 8:42 AM
Thanks. I have friends with a very troubled marriage and three kids and was not sure whether to recommend the week-end. Now I will offer to watch their kids so they can go. And pray they take me up on the offer. They are not Christians but are looking for help anywhere they can find it.
Posted by: Jane Duquette | June 23, 2007 12:01 PM
