June 18, 2007 8:59 AM
Teens and chores - keeping a good work ethic as your child grows
Barbara, I was looking at your site and saw: No More Chore Wars – How to Build a Work Ethic in Your Kids You can’t do it all yourself! Start early – using Montessori principles – to instill a team spirit in your kids so everyone can enjoy a happier home and to prepare your children to be winners at life.Okay, here's my question, in all the years you have raised your 4 children with Down Syndrome have you ever had one of them be, how shall I put this...unmotivated? My oldest, 13, doesn't seem to want to attempt to do anything except play playstation, gameboy, computer, etc. Ask him to make his bed, he walks back to his room, waits two seconds and comes out says it's done. Ask him to straighten up his dresser (same response). He seems to want to help but when asked to do a job either doesn't do it or barely makes an effort.
School work isn't done unless you sit over top of him and even then he argues he did it at school.
I guess I miss the little boy that would attempt to do stuff to help. Not sure where he went. The one I have now is perfectly content to let his younger brothers 'show him how' which typically means they do it for him.
C
My reply:
Actually, Down syndrome or not, your son sounds like a typical teenager! Thirteen is a tough age, as 13 year olds are pushing so hard toward independence. In a way, I feel the teen years reflect the issues of the toddler years: I see a lot of similarities in the struggles of 13 year olds and 3 year olds, for instance (and 14/4, 15/5). Just as in the preschool years, it's important to try to develop parenting strategies that head off power struggles - a parental victory following a power struggle is just not the kind of victory you want to have to resort to. I know it may sound odd, but rereading some of the stuff I've written in my books and here about toddlers and independence may help you understand the positive work that is going on under the surface. God created us to be independent and to think for ourselves. We want to raise our kids with respect for their development of this quality - even when they have disabilities - so that they will grow to be adults who make good decisions for themselves and not completely dependent on outer authority.
I think as parents we forget how imperfect we are ourselves - how we struggle with laziness and the desire to entertain ourselves. It helps to understand that we are helping another human being navigate the human condition and learn to reach his potential even as we are still working to reach our own. While our parental authority is final and absolute and there should be no doubt in the child's mind about that, the optimum situation is to raise your child in a manner in which he truly realizes and respects your wisdom and trusts that you are motivated only by love - and not by power - in your guidance of him through the teen years.
When I interviewed teens for Dirty Dancing at the Prom and Other Challenges Your Christian Teens Face (which you can read more about here), that came through very clear: those teens whose parents demonstrated and communicated consistent love understood the wisdom of the boundaries. That's not to say they didn't trust them or argue or balk - but they didn't build up resentment over the long haul. Those who thought their parents were just exerting power arbitrarily had serious problems in their relationships. (I don't usually plug my books a lot, but this is a very helpful, reader-friendly and positive book for parents of tweens and teens and could revolutionize your relationships and help you build better relationships.)
On the practical side, I severely limit playstation, etc because it seems as though boys will do that forever if left to their own devices and while I am willing to think that God may perhaps be building something into them they will need into the future, I still have always tried to teach my kids to be responsible about anything that tends to elicit obsessive/compulsive behavior.
Kids need to learn that work is the most important part of our lives. Try constantly reinforcing the 'First we...then we..." planning; First we work, then we play. (Parents of preschoolers reading this should start now to make this part of your child's character.)
Teach your child to think of play as a reward, something you earn through fulfilling your responsibilities.
My kids have always responded better to written lists. I type them up on the computer with a blank to the left of each chore so they can check each chore off as it is done. They seem to find enormous satisfaction in that and I am saved a bunch of nagging. If Nick does not read, you can use symbols or graphics beside the words.
I know this looks like a lot of work, but it was shared by all my teens on a Saturday morning while I went grocery shopping. I've made much shorter lists, too. And I've separated boys' and girls' chores sometimes. If you think your son might slack and that his siblings would let him, then make separate lists for each. But group lists seem to have brought out the best in my kids and they all go to work doing whatever they like to do best. I think leaving it up to them to divide the work actually leads to less contention than if they started comparing lists and measuring who they thought had the most work.
If you use a list and promise an activity after, then write a lot of chores, because they will work very fast to accomplish everything to reach the activity.
Also, you can imit the activity with a timer - and enforce whatever time limits you set. When the kids have done a lot of work, I tend to be more generous with the time.
Posted in Teens and Tweens | Permalink
Comments
Thanks for this post! I have 4 boys, aged 8, 5, 3, and 1. My 3yo is a harder worker than the 8 and 5yo! We homeschool, and even though the 8yo tells me he loves school, he will take all day to do some of his work! And then complain that he doesn't want to do school, because it takes too long. (I can't seem to get through to him that if he just gets at it, he would be done much sooner!) Cleaning his room takes all day too! And this is my fault, because I am only just now getting 'wise'. My 3yo consistently makes sure that the shoes are lined up neatly by the door, he picks up his toys easily and quickly when he is done playing with them, he keeps his room neat as a pin, and even cleans up his big brothers' room! (and does a better job, quicker job too I might add!) He practices batting at a baseball tee everyday without being prompted, he feeds the dog, he dresses and undresses himself, and he puts away his clean clothes (not hanging, but in the drawers) Wishing now, wishing so very very hard! that I had made my older two do more when they were younger!
Posted by: Monique | June 19, 2007 7:25 AM
Barb,
Thanks for the response to my inquiry. I do believe last Friday was just a rough day all the way around for DS-13 and me. It started with him 'escaping' from the backyard to get a closer look at a bulldozer (almost getting run over in the process and practically giving mom, the bulldozer driver and dad heartfailure in the process). Then later after a non-eventful trip to Wal-Mart, he decided to drop into the 3 yo mode (I see it, I want it, therefore it is mine mentality) and take a candy bar (and eat it) while we are at the grocery store. I made the mistake of thinking (since he had acted more like a typical 13 yo at Wal-Mart) that he could be trusted to take some items back with his 7 year old brother.
DH works nights/sleeps days and was on a 4 day stretch (going in 2 hours early each day), I so I was also feeling like a single mom of 3 boys with no relief in sight.
I'll try your list idea out and see how it works. Hopefully in another year I'll have 3 boys that can read (making group lists) that much easier. (DS-5 starts kindergarten in the fall.)
Posted by: Cari | June 19, 2007 11:28 PM
