July 4, 2007 9:21 AM
Balking at chores, childish misery and leading your child out of bondage
Well, the title's a wrap up of all that I covered in this answer to the oldest email in my Inbox this morning. A little something for everyone. And please weigh in with your thoughts.
Dear Barbara,I've noticed you occasionally offer advice (or solicit more from your readers) so here is my situation, in hopes I can find some help to get "back on track." I know the preschool years are when I want to be establishing fundamentals like working around the house, but we've gotten stuck.
Do you have suggestions for engaging an unwilling worker? I have an almost-3-y-o who is about as strong-willed as me, and more interested in her own way than pretty much anything but breathing.
Lately she's decided doesn't want to follow directions. I've been having to make her physically comply (e.g. when I said it was time to leave the park yesterday she pulled off her shoes and played the rag doll with my attempts to physically get her to comply (I also had her older and younger siblings, a dog-leash and backpack to juggle) and it really doesn't work.
I try to be consistent, and do follow everything up, but by the time I've gotten through the iterations (Baby on back, leach around waist, food in pack, oldest whistled in--God, please don't let her resist me too....) I think it doesn't register as related.
Back when we started doing basic chores (emptying the dishwasher, putting away clothes) she was able to do them with a little bit of help, but now (and she's far more coordinated) she won't do them (willingly) at all.
I've stopped pushing the clothes issue (they have little drawers so I sort-of need to do it anyway for the "puzzle" of it) but I keep bringing things to a head over the dishwasher. Perhaps it's become the symbol of our discontent? Various approaches meet the same end because they seek the same end: her participation.
She will stand in the corner to avoid eye-contact and keep her face there till I swat her hiney or put her on time-out, at which point she will transform into a soggy puddle, and beg for a cuddle for her wounded self. I never comply in this situation, and I'm convinced in her child mind she only comprehends that I won't say yes to her perceived need, not that she is the reason for that 'No.' This seems to spiral things further down throughout the day (she seems to hold on to grievances. Makes me so sad, since I won't apologize for being the parent/holding boundaries).
The problem with just waiting her out (a few uneventful mornings in the corner of the kitchen might eventually change her mind...I hope) is that her 4-y-o sister becomes collateral damage. She does most of the work when, say, she really wants to see a movie or go to the park, and dd#2 knows big sis will do it all if she just waits long enough. She knows I (physically speaking) can't leave her out.
*sigh*
If this was one-on-one, I know my "strong-will" is plenty the match for hers, but trying to keep the home running around a stick-in-the-mud is more challenging.
Thanks for any help you can offer, Amy
Amy -
I am so sorry this has been waiting so long for an answer. Before I answer I probably should check to see if it has resolved itself. You know, like when you take a sick child to the doctor and all of a sudden they seem well? You write to Barbara and while waiting for an answer it works itself out? Time unravels many problems.
I know what you mean about the frustration of the balking child and the "good" child though because it's been played out many times in my house over the years. When something comes down to a pair of siblings, I too hate seeing one slack while the other takes advantage of the situation.
I guess because I've been a mother for so many years to so many children I've come to the point of accepting that there are some character issues you can work and work and work on and yet a child is not like a cupcake. It's not a matter of putting in the right ingredients and being able to expect a certain product. It is so unpredictable.
I have grown up kids who were not fond of work when they were young and are not fond of it now either. And I have those who just know no other way than serving others. Being a work-oriented person myself, it's hard for me to comprehend any other way of life.
That said, we still have to do everything we can to produce the perfect cupcake :)
With chores already a battleground, I would suggest working on more character-building. Coach Vince Lombardi once said "Sports don't build character, they reveal it." Maybe chores are the same way - they reveal some life issues that a child will have to struggle with in the years ahead.
Do continue to do your best in encouraging your daughter to participate in chores. Maybe making check lists with visual icons (since they can't read) will motivate her. My kids love lists. Or haul out the camera and take pictures of her working to create a little booklet like I did for Daniel.
Whatever you do, do not allow yourself to go into power struggle mode. That never works with a three year old. Remind yourself that this isn't about asserting your will but about helping your child become all she can be.
I can't emphasize enough the power of prayer to unravel a human tangle. God cares about your children as he cares about you. Talk to him and ask him for insight. It may also be time to start leading your child to the Lord so that her life will become governed by the Holy Spirit. Anyone who doubts the reality of God has not seen the difference it makes when a preschooler actually learns to recognize that the part which makes them so miserable has a name - sin - and that there is a real solution for it. I have seen this in my own children. No, they were not perfect after making a decision to give their lives to God, but they were incredibly more teachable, compassionate, kind, and reasonable.
You might try the unexpected - giving her a hug when she is collapsed in a puddle. What I began realizing eventaully as a mom was that it was sin that was making my children miserable. And she needs a hand out of her situation. See my post Children Need Jesus Too!
Maddy (14) and I were just remembering last night when she made a decision to give her life to Jesus. She was four years old had been being mean to Jonny - who is a year older but has Down syndrome (she had some jealousy issues in the early years because they were 13 months apart and with all the visits from OTs, STs, etc it looked to her like he was getting a lot of attention). She was benched for a timeout and crying miserably. I said "You are unhappy" and she nodded pathetically. I told her that was because she had sin in her life - and that the only way she could stop being miserable was to make a fesh start by asking God to forgive her and then asking Jesus to become the Lord of her life. She wanted to do that. I led her through a simple prayer - Dear God, I'm sorry for the sin in my life and I want to change. Please help me. Please show me the way. I love Jesus and I give him my life, something like that. Her life was different from that day forward. Perfect, no? But teachable and guided by the Holy Spirit, yes.
I've had similar moments with my other children, but this comes to mind because Maddy and I were just talking about it last night (which maybe has something to do with the timing issue I spoke of - maybe I needed to be reminded of that before I answered your email).
But the point is, all of us struggle with sin and without God, we are pretty helpless. I'm more compassionate as a mom when I understand that the child who is making everyone around her miserable - or a grownup whose misery causes her to withdraw from the family - is actually in bondage and needs to be released. Sometimes no amount of talk or technique or strategy will work. Only God can do that kind of releasing.
Finally, back to that character-building. The best books we ever used were Bill Gothard's Character Sketches, which I wrote about and readers commented on here. Though these books are pricey if bought from the Institute, you can pick up used copies at Amazon for slightly less. But these are big beautiful volumes with lovely illustrations - a life-changing lifetime investment I think every Christian family would benefit from.
Young children are not abstract thinkers. Their understanding of virtues comes through stories. Gothard's thesis is that part of God's plan for teaching us is through his animal kingdom. We can learn about diligence, loyalty, gratefulness, courage, etc. through individual animals which exemplify these in their pattern of behavior. The stories are fascinating to people of all ages, and each one also is backed by a Bible story which illustrates the results of that virtue or its lack with real life events. Although the text is not written at a preschool level, any parent can paraphrase the animal stories and share the beautiful illustrations with their children. So these become books your children can grow into and read over and over absorbing more material each time.
Amy, again, I am so sorry it took me a while to answer. ironically, sometimes it is the email that will evoke the most thoughtful response which waits until last. But I do hope this helps! I will post at my blog with the links also.
Love,
Barbara
Posted in Mothering, Preschoolers, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
Hi--
Original Amy here with a few addl. bits of info.
The dishwasher issue we've resolved by assigning the top or bottom rack to each daughter alternately.
If one feels like being stubborn, she can just wait in the kitchen (that, LR and DR are a single space defined by an island) until she wants enough to be done.
So far, being consciously aware, at least 75% of stubbornness displays have been directly tied to tiredness. So we still have to go back a step.
She has in the last month made a confession of faith (which I don't dare question), but I've yet to see much "fruit."
There will be the random *sparkly* attitude that I think is maybe new, but it's not consistent. I do like the prayer you used with Maddy, and think I could use something very similar with mine. We also have the Character Sketches already and I'll try to work those in.
Two main things I'm still struggling with from this letter:
a) Passively-willful non-compliance (I recently learned she is known for this in Sunday School. Like at home she avoids eye-contact and becomes a statute when asked to participate when she doesn’t want to). And
b) her seeming to take so much personally-- seeming to see any "natural" consequence or discipline as a personal attack and evidence of her unloved/painful lot in life. She's a weeper-wailer at any opportunity, even though it is *never* reinforced.
Honestly. This gets my bad-mom guilt going worse than anything b/c she is so *obviously* unhappy, but I won't cuddle her (what she begs for every time she cries) until she settles down and I come to the natural break in my work (i.e., the scream-settle. doesn’t get her “me” faster than normal asking).
So there’s what difference time’s made. I’m sorry I’ve made her look like a “difficult” child (part of why I wish to be pseudo-anonymous), because it’s not the place where we live. It’s just what we need the most help with right now (unless any readers have advice about getting 2 “needy” preschoolers down at the same time…)
Thanks, everyone.
Posted by: Amy | July 4, 2007 11:02 AM
Amy, I am sorry that you are having to deal with this...I remember having so many little ones so close together, and praying, "O Lord, please just let them cooperate and not get into a battle this time!" I want to encourage you that these days will pass...honest. :)
I also want to encourage you to not be weary in well doing. Your daughter is acting like who she is...a sinner who needs redeeming. These behavior problems you are having with her are a wonderful opportunity to share the gospel with her and your other children every day...and they are also part of God's plan for making you more like Him. :)
Amy, run, don't walk, :) to Amazon, and order two books: Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp, and Don't Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman. They are the most biblically sound child rearing and discipline books I have ever read (and trust me, I've read too many to count!) What you want to deal with in your daughter (and all of your children) is her heart, not just her outward behavior. Tedd is a master of helping you understand how the heart controls behavior. Ginger's book has good practical advice, building on the biblical principles laid out in Shepherding.
I really hope this will encourage you. My heart goes out to you, and I will pray for you and your kiddos.
in grace,
Kathy
Posted by: Kathy in VA | July 4, 2007 11:36 AM
My son has a very similar, stubborn, often defiant attitude. One that thing that brought about a lot of change for us was the realization that I was spending most of my day either in a power struggle with him, or disciplining him. How often did I praise him? Not much. Because, really, he did very little at the time to be praised for. He was actually getting quite a bit of reinforcement for being "bad"--negative attention.
So, I changed. I vowed for 2 weeks I would focus on every little thing he did that was desirable. If he said "please" or "thank you" even one time, I heaped on the praise, clapping, hugging and smiles. If he obeyed me in any request, no matter how small, even if it was something he already wanted to do!, I praised and high-fived and patted his back. Nothing was too small. Putting on pants by himself without my asking. Flushing the toilet. Not knocking the towels onto the ground. Playing quitely for 5 minutes. Unloading even one plate from the dishwasher. Eating neatly or trying to eat neatly. Putting his shoes away. ANYTHING that I saw as desirable behavior, whether I asked him to do it or not, I praised very heavily and in an over the top manner. In those 2 weeks, I avoided power struggles. Time outs were done in his room, so he couldn't manipulate me by crying, yelling, or pouting where I could see him. I simply did not ask him to do things I was sure he would say no to. This was all temporary..that's the key...but it was basically just me trying to "reset" our relationship for a couple of weeks.
It worked. It totally worked. He was clearly amazed when I started praising him. He started to try harder, make an effort, obey more requests.
No, it didn't solve every problem. He's still willful and sometimes defiant. I've learned to choose my battles. He won't unload the dishwasher, true, but he will get the mail. He'll help clean up toys. He'll help daddy in the yard. Not every child must do every chore. Some children are better at some chores. I always try to focus on the positive, and it has improved his heart and his attitude quite clearly.
Good luck!
Posted by: Jill (colicmommy) | July 4, 2007 1:59 PM
The disobedience just can't pay off.
Every time she acts like that, she has a goal. Perhaps it is to get out of doing work. Perhaps it is to get some attention. Whatever it is, she has a goal.
Don't let her achieve that goal. Whatever she is trying to avoid, her consequence should be more of what she's avoiding.
For instance, she doesn't want to go to bed, and makes a fuss? She gets an earlier bed time for the next day. She doesn't want to leave the park? She leaves (thanks to you picking her up!) and she doesn't get to go next time.
Stay calm, explain her action, explain the consequence, and still be nice. The "good" child should not see the disobedience being rewarded. It punishes the "good" one.
Posted by: Marie | July 4, 2007 5:24 PM
I just wanted to chip in with one technique that seems to work with my boys. Invariably when we are all (2 boys, 1 toddler daughter and very pregnant I) doing our daily tidy in the living and play rooms, one of the boys will balk and dawdle and do virtually nothing while the other does the bulk of the work, cheerfully and quickly. So I put the dawdler in the corner while the rest of us take a break. We will have a graham cracker or watch a few minutes of Noggin or read a library book or two while the other has to stand and listen to us having a rest from our hard work. I very seldom have to put the slacker in the corner more than once. When the break is over we all get back to work. When we're done we all take a big break together.
I sure hope Barbara's advice will help you out and that you'll soon have better times at your house :)
Blessings!
Lindsey in AL
Posted by: Lindsey in AL | July 4, 2007 8:20 PM
Barbara, I appreciate your emphasis on prayer. It is so easy for us moms to look for the "formula" that will make everything better.
I thought I'd mention a series on parenting that I've found to be extremely encouraging and helpful - it's put out by Sovereign Grace Ministries and is taught by one of their pastors, Kenneth Maresco. http://www.covlife.org/sermons/moremessages/parenttraining.php
In it he talks about training young children, ages 2-6, specifically. He is gentle and loving and yet has really high standards for his kids! One thing that really stood out to me was his uncompromising stance that his children honor him while he is talking to them/disciplining them. One aspect of this is eye contact. I had never thought of that. We are working on respect and eye contact with our three year old - and realizing that it is worth slowing down to focus on.
Also, one last somewhat painful thought: Is there an area in your life and/or your husband's life where you recognize grumbling/rebellion/(or another sin that you are seeing in your daughter)? I have found that my little ones often struggle with the same things as me. Sometimes we might try to curb a behavior in the children and all the while are exhibiting it for them in our own lives.
I pray wisdom and grace for your decisions and actions regarding all of this.
Posted by: Carole | July 5, 2007 8:03 AM
Amy-
Your daughter sounds alot like me (the passive-resistance). I remember my mom once telling me that I would sit at the dining room table until I finished my homework- even if it took all night. (I think I was in 4th grade.) Well, sometime after everyone else went to bed I fell asleep at the table and did not finish the assignment.
I have been called lazy, unmotivated, rebellious and many of my teachers said I had much more potential. I didn't get my drivers license until I was 21! (We didn't own a family vehicle while I was in my teens so that played a part.)
Jill is right about what works- praise is paramount! I always worked best (from classrooms to jobs) among those who praised me. I also did better (and still do) when someone helped me in a task. Something to consider is that some people are more task-oriented and others are more people/relationship oriented. Think of Martha and Mary in the Bible. And yes, I know work is important and the Bible has plenty to say about not being slothful as well but you don't want your daughter to get the impression that the work is more important than she is.
Have you tried the "first we do this- then we can do that" method? If the activity following the work is something she really enjoys- especially something with you- that may be motivation. Just be careful time spent with you isn't just a reward for good behavior. Also make sure YOU work cheerfully. Verbally thank God for the dishwasher that makes the dishes so clean, the lovely dishes we have to serve our food on, for Daddy who loves us so much that he works hard all day and we can give him a clean house to come home to, etc...
Make sure to communicate to your child how much you love and accept her- regardless of her behavior. (The Love Language book comes to mind- I know there is one for children too.)
I'm curious why she doesn't participate in some of the Sunday School activities. Respect the fact that she is a person with her own ideas and reasons for doing or not doing things and it probably isn't just to be difficult. Try to find out why (and your daughter may not be able to verbalize why she's resisting) and if it's really not that big a deal ask the teacher if she can simply be excused from the things she doesn't want to be involved in. You know it takes great strength of character to be willing to stand alone and not go along with the crowd. And stubborness is steadfastness in disguise.
Posted by: purebiillow | July 5, 2007 4:51 PM
I so needed to read this today. Thank you all for sharing.
Posted by: Shelley | July 6, 2007 10:43 AM
