July 23, 2007 12:28 PM
Disabilities and the church
Hi Barbara,I have been a Mommy Life reader for several months now and I really appreciate the quality of content and the Christian viewpoint on all topics. I am a Mom to 3 boys. My oldest son Ezekiel has DS, he’s 9. My second Noah just turned 8 and has Asperger’s and ADHD and my youngest Caleb, who’s 6 and just got his own little label of ADHD. So we’re not your typical family either. J
My reason for emailing you today is to perhaps find out more about your experiences with church and your special needs group. We have had a lot of ups and downs (no pun intended) with finding accepting and accessible churches. We currently don’t have a church but are in the process of seeing how a new one may work for our guys. I have been doing a lot of reading and praying on this matter, because of my own situation and also of knowing personally of many families who don’t attempt church on top of all their other struggles. I have come across a conference that is hosted by the National Organization on Disabilities called “That All May Worship.” Have you heard of this or perhaps attended one of these meetings? I feel impressed with the rising numbers of children being diagnosed with autism and the strain that it puts on marriages, that’s even more of an imperative for churches to find a way to open their congregations for these families. I also believe that the siblings of these children are missing the opportunity to have a church family and to come to Christ.
Thanks Barbara for any thoughts or experiences you might want to share. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Dawn
Dear Dawn -
This is one of those "little extra" challenges that come with having kids with disabilities, isn't it? In the fifteen years since Jonny was born and our three adoptions, our church experiences have run the gamut from complete competence in dealing with kids with special needs to "no problem, just leave them in Sunday School and we'll figure out how to " to a lot of hesitation to outright disinterest in the needs of our kids.
One thing I've learned as a mom of special needs kids though, is to not be harsh about people in this situation. They are not trained professionals as in the public schools. Rather than feel resentful, I would rather just move on to another church which is a better fit.
The way I look at it is this: We're all disabled in God's eyes. It's just that some of us are blind to our disabilities. A lack of compassion or the absence of willingness to help your brothers and sisters bear their burdens is a disability. But I'm not here to take care of everyone else's disabilities - I can't fix people who have the wrong reaction to my children, nor those who pass up the opportunity to get involved with them and see what God would have them learn. That's between them and God.
We've visited McLean Bible Church, which is a dream church for families with kids with disabilities. You couldn't ask for more support - even the environment is designed to optimize the children's experience there, so it is not just a holding place, but real attention is given to their individual needs with some trained staff members and lots of volunteers. An incredible set-up!
But McLean Bible is an hour away from us. It is also a megachurch (even has a Starbucks in the lobby!) That's the tradeoff for the megachurches - they can provide a lot of services and support smaller churches cannot.
We need a church closer to home. When we first moved here, we went to Purcellville Baptist Church. They were excellent with including the Downzers into Sunday School classes. Never batted an eye. One reason, I think, is that most families there send their kids to public schools and so everyone had a fairly high level of comfortability with disabilities. Full inclusion has just done wonders for the visibility and acceptance levels of kids with special needs - as witness the fact that if you google "Down syndrome" and "homecoming queen" or "homecoming king" you will find scores of stories around the country attesting to the amazing change brought about by public school inclusion practices. Remember, only two generations ago, kids with Down syndrome were routinely institutionalized.
It's think of it in terms of the way the schools were used to engineer desegregation. As difficult as that part of our history was and in spite of the negatives of busing, there was probably really no other way to effect the huge social overhaul that desperately needed to occur.
Which leads me up to where we are now. A few years ago we began going to a church where most of the families homeschool. We love our church immensely, but it has taken a lot of time for people to warm up to our boys – a fact which I think is due to a general lack of experience with kids with special needs because in the homeschooling community there just aren’t daily opportunities for this kind of exposure.
Please understand, I have no ax to grind about this. For us it wasn't an issue because we felt at home in the church in so many other ways. It’s the kind of church where there is Sunday School for everyone before the church service and then the whole family worships together. So we just didn’t attend Sunday School. Then about eight months ago a homeschooling mom from the congregation who’d been a special ed teacher and whose children were getting older asked me what it would take to get my boys involved in Sunday School. For Justin and Jonny, that is no problem, but Jesse and Daniel require extra support – especially Jesse.
I was so thrilled that God provided for a need I’d almost forgotten we had! Now, with Beth’s help we’ve been able to add that piece to our Sunday morning.
Also, when Tripp first approached the leaders about Jonny joining the Boy Scout troop at our church, they were very hesitant. After, all, they didn’t know what to expect. But after thought and prayer, they gave a qualified yes. Tripp was expected to be there with Jonny all the time – that is, until they learned up close and personal how capable Jonny is!
Now, Jonny is included with extra support (other than the troop itself) in all activities and overnights. He even went to BSA camp for a week! So Jonny was able to prove himself in a better way than having his parents persuade people on his behalf. He is growing up.
This has been a quiet revolution. I like the way it happened – not because I forced the issue but because I had patience (well, there’s a first time for everything, I suppose) and let God’s plan unfold. It has been truly beautiful to see it happen.
I would love to hear about everyone else’s ups and downs at church or synagogue – lamentations or success stories, resources, ideas.
Oh, and here’s an article I wrote for World in 1998:
Keep in mind this was almost ten years ago, and in the past ten years the church has come a long way. But there is still more to do in this area. Those of you without kids with disabilities may want to reflect on what you can do to reach out to parents like me.
I'm speaking now to those without kids with disabilities: what can you do to make your church a more welcoming place for families with special needs?
An invitation or offer of help - or just reaching out in friendship - can mean the world to a mom who is coping with a lot more than an average mom and who may be experiencing even more of a sense of isolation. Is she unable to come to a Bible Study because of childcare issues? Would her child need extra support during a MOPS meeting? Why not ask her?
If you have a family with special needs in your congregation, why not get a group together and brainstorm about ways to help: babysitting, special training for volunteers in Sunday School. tutoring and so on. One family in our church has invited us to bring the Downzers over for horseback riding - I can't tell you what that invitation means to me.
Don't be afraid to invite a special family to dinner! Remember, parents of kids with disabilities were once like you - if you're uncomfortable or just don't know what to do, neither did we. Spend time with us and in seeing how we relate to our kids, you'll see how doable it really is.
But it is so nice to know that others care.
Posted in Church Issues, Disabilities, Down syndrome | Permalink
Comments
We had a family visit our church (800+ in attendance) with a son with cerebral palsy and it caught us all by 'surprise'. The family never came back, which truly grieved my heart. I can honestly say that the compassion was there, but we were all very ignorant on the 'right things' to do. So even though it is a pain to have to train us, I beg the mothers of SN kids to do so.
Posted by: Lisa | July 23, 2007 1:10 PM
Thank you for the link to McLean Bible Church. I had recently written a blog entry about Neurodiversity in the Church. This entry was triggered by a secular newspaper reporting a story about a mother who was asked to leave a service because her child was "interfering" with the service.
It is always nice to include ideas for solutions ~
Posted by: Julie | July 23, 2007 2:15 PM
I appreciate your insight and sensitivity to both sides, Barbara. We often end up in the 'crying room' of our church, and never take a seat towards the front, as Christina, (age 5 with Down syndrome) is unpredictable. She'll be sitting quietly, even participating, and suddenly become unmanageable, making us take her out to the vestibule.
By and large, however, I must say that our parishoners' reactions have been largely understanding.
We get smiles and special handshakes at the Sign of Peace. The priest usually gives her a special blessing at Communion time.
Perhaps this has something to do with a regular column I started in my parish newspaper, Eagle's Wings. I feature a different special needs parishioner each issue, with the hopes that this will give people something to say to them next time they run into them at Mass.
I agree with the first commenter that sometimes people want to reach out to someone with disabilities, but lack the words. I hope that knowing the person's name has helped to ease the process of starting a friendship.
Posted by: Leticia | July 24, 2007 10:23 AM
We live in the UK, so our experiences may not be so easily comparable...it was actually trying to cope with my two youngest ( one has autism the other DAMP syndrome) in a liberal, intellectual Quaker meeting, that pushed me down the path to where I now worship, an evangelical Baptist church.
I am no longer bitter over my bad experiences in seeking a church that would be friendly to my children, it took me five years to find the church we currently go to, and it is the kind of church that I would not have initially considered, noisy, chaotic and in a run down part of town.
But underneath the apparent chaos is love, and the feeling of Spirit at work here is something I would never have got to feel if I hadn't been nudged on to move from other churches.
Posted by: Sue | July 24, 2007 3:02 PM
Our church has been really good with the kids we have who have special needs. The only disabilities I can think of we have right now are a couple of kids on the autism scale and one with Aspergers-type symptoms. Our congregation is a decent size -- 300-400 -- but we still try to help in as individual a way as possible. I know our children's minister tries to keep a couple of ladies available for the kids who just get too overwhelmed in the classroom setting, and they will take them one-on-one for Sunday School or kids' church time and do individual activities. For the child with the Aspergers type issues, we all just kind of know that's the way he is and remind him sometimes that he doesn't ALWAYS have to say just exactly what he's thinking, lol. They're all such sweet, sweet kids and it's so important that they see church as a place where they are loved and treasured!
Posted by: Gem | July 24, 2007 10:32 PM
I've heard from many friends that the book Same Lake, Different Boat: Coming Alongside People Touched by Disability has helped their churches and families to minister (and be ministered to!) more effectively.
(Wish I had a personal story to share from my own life or church ... hmmmmmm ... probably means I'm not trying hard enough to reach out, eh? Thanks for reminding and encouraging us all to love ALL of our "neighbors," Barbara.)
Posted by: Tara Barthel | July 29, 2007 7:38 AM
Hi Barbara,
Thanks for this post. We are fortunate to be a church that is very welcoming. They love us and our children with reservation and regardless of our abilities / disabilities.
May I include this post in a Down Syndrome Carnival? The first Down Syndrome Carnival is at http://cause-of-our-joy.blogspot.com/2007/08/first-ever-down-syndrome-carnival.html
If you are able to respond by Friday, Sept 15 that would be helpful. Thanks!
Posted by: Ellen | September 12, 2007 3:15 PM
