July 27, 2007 12:33 PM
Domestic abuse in Christian homes
I received permission to publish this letter because the writer felt - as I do - that open discussion about the real problems faced by Christian families can only lead to better health within the Body of Christ:
Dear Barbara,
I am a new reader of your blog and am finding it so wonderful! Thank you for the hard work you put into it as well as your loving openness about your life.
While I find many things of interest to me (I lived in northern VA for a time, am a mom to 2 girls under 2, have a nephew with Down's syndrome, love Jesus, am the oldest of 8), the one thing that has touched me most is learning just bits and pieces about KS Milkmaid.
Oh how my heart aches for her! My parents were married for 23 years before my mom gained the courage to tell him to leave. Almost that entire time, he was abusive and ultra controlling. We were the large, home schooling, Christian family to all who knew us, we were barely surviving on the inside. We, too, went through the horrible, drawn out divorce proceedings, the ugly accusations, friends and family abandoning us in the midst of it all. Along with it, our safety was often tenuous at best. He, too, wanted no one else to have us even though he had no intention of being a true husband or father. The worse part was the condemnation from other Christians who only seem to be able to quote "God hates divorce" and then blame the victim of the abuse for the problem. To this day, I have a hard time being in a church because eventually our story comes out and the same guilt is heaped on us.
Today, the final divorce decree is almost 5 years old. My father has chosen to cut off all contact will his 8 children to enter into a homosexual lifestyle. He has also never met any of his grandchildren. His family, our only living grandparent as well as aunts and uncles, have also cut off contact as well. He no longer controls our lives inwardly through unforgiveness or outwardly through perfection. God is restoring those years that were stolen and opening our eyes to what His love as Father to the fatherless and Husband to the widow means.
Please pass the message onto her that there is life after this pain. That the bad days do become less and less. That God works miracles in judges hearts that will protect her children. And that no matter what anyone says, God will bless her courage to do what was right. She is not alone!! I never read her writing before this situation, but I look forward to reading it when God does more than she could ask or think to redeem this for her.
Thank you, too, for being a different voice than most in this area of Christianity. It is a breath of fresh air!!
In His love,Terri White
Let's face it, we are sitting in pews or folding chairs filled with sinners like ourselves. Accepting Christ and surrendering your life to him does not mean you are free from sin. It means that you will probably face a lot of temptation and at some point you will probably fall. You may not realize it when it happens because it may be something you don't consider a sin: like pride or control, for instance.
There are longtime Christians out there whose hearts are set on following God who struggle with lust, bulimia, alcoholism, homosexuality, gluttony - you name it. The bible study group I'm in has been doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free and it has been very liberating to gather together and as our trust level grew, to bare our hearts and souls and talk about these issues. Had we not had this time together I would have assumed that every one in my church was perfect. Now I know that most of us are all only a heartbeat away from sin. We are so dependent on God's grace every minute - it's not our doing at all.
One horrible sin the church does not do well with is domestic abuse. Over and over I hear stories of women who had abusive husbands who when they finally broke and went to their pastor or elders for help, were sent back home with admonitions to be a better wife. This is one of those areas - like alcoholism and drug dependency - where I feel that Christians in need of help would do better seeking help outside the church from people who've experienced the same thing.
In Home Is Where the Hurt Is, I wrote:
For Christian women, faith may become another obstacle to leaving an abusive and dangerous marriage. For women like Laura, some teachings may confuse rather than clarify:I think the church's contribution takes place much earlier than when it is finally perceived you are abused. So many times when I was frustrated with my husband, I leaned on my faith. My beliefs were about "turning the other cheek," "for better or worse," "treat others as you would like to be treated," all the sort of phrases that speak of unconditional love. They are profound, and they teach great things. But the church gives young women no perspective about protection, self-preservation, empowerment. Maybe these ideas are threatening in a basically patriarchal system. But the lack of them leads a well-intentioned wife to believe that selfless love comes before self-preservation. I was never taught to assess how others treated me. I was never taught that it was okay to stand up for myself.
In the family of faith, those who understand the servanthood of Christ and the concept of mutual submission within marriage -- and whose experience does not include domestic violence -- may see no problem with Ephesians 5:22-24:
"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."
Yet if we could see how some Christian husbands use these verses to justify their abuse, we would have second thoughts. In Jenny's marriage, her church-going, Bible-savvy husband interspersed his tirades with Scripture, but she says, "It was always used to hurt me."
Unfortunately, a woman who finally overcomes her denial, self-doubt and fear to seek help from the clergy may find someone who uses the same verses to send her back to do a better job of being a wife. Even if her pastor is sympathetic, he may not be knowledgeable.
Many survivors of domestic abuse complain that even if they were taken seriously, the attention automatically focused on the abuser -- restoring him in order to restore the marriage.
A woman whose husband has controlled her and robbed her of autonomy needs more than a church intent on controlling the outcome of her situation. She needs a safe, neutral and compassionate place where she will not have to fight for believability and where she can find comfort while gaining the strength to take steps to provide safety for herself and her children.
Rev. Fortune says:
"Treatment of families experiencing violence and abuse requires integrating the needs of the whole person. Thus the importance of developing a shared understanding and cooperation between secular and religious helpers to deal with family violence cannot be emphasized too strongly."Occasionally, a social worker, psychotherapist or other secular service provider will wonder, 'Why bother with religious concerns at all?' The answer is a very practical one: religious issues or concerns which surface for people in the midst of crisis are primary issues. If not addressed in some way at some point, they will inevitably become roadblocks to the client's efforts to resolve the crisis and move on with her life.
"For a pastoror other person approaching family violence from a religious perspective, there is little question about the relevance of religious concerns. Rather, they may doubt the importance of dealing with concerns for shelter, safety, intervention and treatment. [They may think], 'These people just need to get right with God and everything will be fine.'"
In cases of domestic violence there are urgent needs which just can't wait until the abuser is willing and able to "get right with God." There are resources available -- though, as is often the case, the secular world is way ahead of the church in addressing this social problem and providing help.
If you or your children are abused by your husband - or even overly-controlled - you must seek help immediately. These situations do not get better on their own. This is not a case of anger management. It is much more complicated and the most important thing is to keep you and your children safe. If you wonder whether your relationship is truly abusive, do a little research:
Domestic Violence Toward Women: Recognize the Patterns and Seek Help
Recognizing Domestic Violence
National Domestic Violence Hotline - someone to talk to.
You are not doing the perpetrator any favors by sticking it out. And it certainly is not good for your children. God has not called you to suffer abuse at the hands of your husband.
Like Terri, I find my heart aching for her mother. But I also find it aching for the children and all those who were disappointed and hurt when the truth was revealed.
There is one way to set yourself free: let the light of truth shine on every area of your life and share honestly with those around you. No more secrets!
Posted in Church Issues, KS Milkmaid | Permalink
Comments
Thanks to everyone for sharing such love and wisdom on this tragically important topic!
Having worked with my church leaders (and other conciliation/divorce/child custody cases as well), I have seen first-hand the horrors you have all described.
(Oh, the devastation of sin!
And oh! How it all makes me long for Heaven.)
In the interim, I wanted to recommend a brief resource that you or your church leaders might want to consider if/when you face domestic abuse situations. It is published by "The Christian Counseling and Education Foundation" (www.CCEF.org) and I am not affiliated with them in any way---but I find their materials to be gospel-saturated, biblical, and imminently practical:
CCEF also has a scholarly (but readable!) "Journal of Biblical Counseling" that has included numerous articles over the years on this topic.
Thanks again for your ministry, Barbara!
Your sister in Christ,
Tara B.
Posted by: Tara Barthel | July 29, 2007 7:29 AM
Here's a website you may find useful. http://www.addicted.com is a site for friends, families, and those who suffer from various addictions.
Posted by: Alcoholism | July 30, 2007 1:40 PM
I also grew up with an emotionally abusive and controlling father who used scripture to shame and control. And my mother was often thrown back into it with a few verses to deal with it by pastors and counselors. When she finally gathered enough courage to leave almost no one that we knew within the Christian community was able to understand, help, or keep from judging her for breaking up the outwardly perfect marriage. we ended up with a bunch of raving feminist man-hating women as a support network because none of the good Christian women or men could see past the D word to what we needed.
Thanks so much for writing about this intelligently.
Posted by: carrien | July 31, 2007 9:09 PM
