July 14, 2007 8:44 AM
Loving our prodigals
From my inbox:
Prodigals! Have you written on this topic before? We have a 19 year old son that has struggled with his faith the last couple of years, the last year being very difficult. He has now left home, searching for greener pastures apart from his family, church and God. I know that this is something between him and the Lord, but it can be so consuming for the parents, especially mom. I have a hard time separating myself from his action. Of course I take it personally, but I know this is all because he does not want to obey the Lord. I want to be kind and loving when he chooses to stop by, but it is so hard. I feel, sad, angry, anxious, fearful, betrayed all at one time.We've done all the 'right' things; homeschooled, workshops, seminars, Father-Son retreats, books, tapes, everything revolved around family, devotions, you name it, we probably did it! And here we sit, broken hearted. I have learned that there is no formula. Salvation only comes from the Lord, and only He can turn the heart. I know his faith has to be just that, HIS. I long for our family to be whole again, he is so missed, and we need him. We've tried and tried to talk with him, in a nut shell he just wants to do what he wants to do, which is to answer to no authority.
So what is your advice for hurting parents?
My advice is one word: LOVE. No maybe, two words: love and time.
I could have written your letter myself! And maybe many readers could too. I have a 22 year old son who left home at 18 because he wanted to be out from under our authority. It was a painful parting and left our whole family in shock. I was devastated for weeks, crying almost constantly.
I think before he left I worked hard to be the "perfect" parent and somehow I truly expected that that would mean I would produce "perfect" children. But that is not the case - and the only thing that snapped me out of my grief was when a friend reminded me that even the true Perfect Father saw his children exercise their free will and turn away from their relationship with him.
It still hurt. And as the years go by, I am seeing that I wasn't quite as perfect as I thought myself to be. I am beginning to see how we all struggle with sin of some sort - and sin has a way of leveling the playing field, whether we acknowledge it or not.
After four years - and watching other adult children who remained Christians but made decisions which did not reflect our family values - I've come to accept a hard reality: that those engaged in purposeful parenting are motivated by a desire to get their kids off to the best possible start, and yet as new adults those children we delighted in may disappoint us. It gives us a picture of how God must feel about each of us, doesn't it?
Every young mother reading this will think she can do better and that's important - because it's that hope that keeps you going during the tough years of parenting children, which take so much stamina and motivation.
But on the other side of the mountain is reality. And more lessons. You never stop growing and learning as a parent. And I feel closer to God than ever, understanding his love and compassion for me.
My son Matt lives 90 mintes from us. He is an actor and his schedule is very different. The first years of him being gone were touch and go as we figured out how to relate. And I blew it once by some harsh condemnatory words which hurt him and caused him to withdraw for a year. That is behind us now and we have seen each other several times this year.
Last week Matt and I met for breakfast and had a really good clear-the-air talk. I like what I'm seeing about him. Although he is not calling himself a Christian, he does profess the same basic belief. He has a girlfriend who is certainly bringing out the best in him and he seems grounded and confident in who he is. I see him moving forward with his life.
Matt was also unafraid to talk about the past and really seemed to have let go of all blame of his parents and family for the choices he made.
This is a major step toward maturity. When he says he just wanted to be on his own, I respect that. We have both grown and changed. I will continue to pray for him, but I am grateful I have the opportunity to just love him for who he is.
I am also glad at this point I had many children. All I can think is that if you had to fact heartbreaking years with one or two, that it would be hard. With young ones still under my wing, I still have some years to continue learning to be a better parent.
Some links:
Partners in Prayer for Our Prodigals
Praying the Prodigals Home
I Lift My Eyes Prayer Ministry
Prodigals and Those Who Love Them by Ruth Bell Graham - an intimate glimpse into a mother's heart during the years two of the Graham children spent running from their faith.
Return of the Prodigal Son - Henri Nouwen's perceptive analysis of Rembrandt's famous painting by the same name is one of my all-time favorite reads. Food for the soul.
All of your thoughts, experiences, and insights are welcome.
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
Comments
I too could have written that letter. Betrayed sums it up quite well but I will stand on the promises of God and try to be patient. My son leaves in 11 days for boot camp. Above all I pray for his spiritual protection. He has not outright rejected the faith but has yet to explain how his actions are biblical.
Posted by: withheld please | July 14, 2007 8:47 PM
"Every young mother reading this will think she can do better and that's important - because it's that hope that keeps you going during the tough years of parenting children, which take so much stamina and motivation."
As a young mother, that's exactly what I was thinking. You read my mail. : ) Thanks for sharing the "reality" with us!
Posted by: Becky Miller | July 15, 2007 11:09 PM
While I didn't actually think that I could be a perfect parent, I still somehow believed I could be perfect.
Oh, how hard that was dashed by some awful mistakes I made (and the repercussions felt by me and my children for years. . .) Yet I'm thankful (most of the time) because God used it so much in my life to help me get a glimpse of how He works both through me as a parent and also apart from me in my children's lives. And my understanding of His grace and my need for the Gospel grew so much from those struggles.
Still. . . my children are on the young side. Mistakes they make now, struggles they have, are still "young" ones. No prodigals yet. Reading of sons growing up and going off and rejecting family and faith--it breaks my heart reading that. While I do not want to parent in fear, still I cannot help but be fearful of that possiblity.
Thank you for sharing this, Barbara and both anons.
Posted by: TulipGirl | July 16, 2007 12:47 AM
Thank you for this. I am the mother of a toddler and this helps me put things in perspective. I know that I disappointed my parents and I'm sure my children will disappoint me. :) Thank you for sharing this.
Posted by: Diana | July 16, 2007 12:07 PM
I poured myself into our children--reading to them early, playing with them, teaching them to work alongside me, creating a home environment that would bring out their best. I beamed when people told me what an awesome family we had. Our kids were high achievers and I reveled in their accomplishments as if they were my own. I was also pouring myself in to our children spiritually. I prayed over them before they were even born. I infused Scripture into their lives, read Bible stories, and we joyfully worshipped together both in our home and with our church family.
Then the awful moment came--that shattering moment that I'll never forget--when it was undeniable that our young adult daughter had strayed farther from us and from her Lord than we ever allowed ourselves to admit. I felt betrayed by God--hadn't He PROMISED to answer my prayers? Could I have done any more than I had done? I loved being a mom--it was my most cherished role. I took my responsibility as a mother very seriously and was very intentional in my parenting. What had I done wrong? Why were parents who invested much less into their children (even parents who were flat-out unfaithful to God) enjoying young adults who were making good choices and not embarassing the whole family?
I beat my fists against God until my anger was spent--and still nothing in our situation changed. In fact, things seemed to be worsening.
Emotionally spent, I collapsed into the arms of my sovereign God and entrusted what was most precious to me (my child) into His safe-keeping. God gently showed me how I was trying to be God in my child's life. I worked so hard to make the perfect family...it was all about me! I was the one who had a rebellious heart but an exterior that covered up my pride and selfishness. I was the one the good shepherd was seeking. I laid my pride down. I asked God to do what I could not do myself--both in my own life and in the life of my child. He did that--first by working in my life. Gently and persistently He pried my fingers off of my family. He showed me that I needed to trust Him. I quit being a "prayer-worrier" and started asking God to change my own life. I was astounded at how He begin to change ME. Gradually, as I became more pliable in the hands of my Lord, God began to work in other relationships. I gave up my feeling of entitlement and found a new sense of gratitude to God for His grace in my life. I am seeing God work in amazing ways in my family. Things are far from perfect and there are still things that concern me deeply.
However, as painful as our trial was (and is), I'd never go back to the way I was before because I'm a new person now. I thank the Lord for interrupting my perfectly-laid-out life with a life that is completely dependent on Him.
Posted by: A Grandma | July 16, 2007 4:32 PM
Hey Barbara! Just thought I'd throw in this article on practically loving on wayward children (written by a prodigal!!).
Posted by: shawnda | July 21, 2007 2:26 PM
