July 20, 2007 2:02 PM
Why I call them the Downzers
We call our four sons with Down syndrome The Downzers, which upsets self-appointed members of the PC police who think we are being disrespectful.
Maybe what they don't understand is that this is just something outside the experience of a parent with a more moderate-sized family and one child with Down syndrome. In a large family, you tend to have subgroups of kids and when you are taking groups of kids to activities or putting them to bed, you refer to them by their group name. We have the Boyz (also known in the growing-up years as The Four Musketeers), the Girlz, and the Downzers.
I have had a few people give me hell about this, and when I would not kowtow to their "stuff," even wage a behind-the-scenes campaign to persuade others to disassociate themselves from me.
Isn't that amazing? I've done my best in the past 15 years to make the world a better, more accepting place for children with Down syndrome through my writing. But I didn't stop there. Since our son Jonny was born, we've adopted three more boys with Down syndrome.
Now just think: if we hadn't adopted them, then the PC Police would think I was a better person. Because of course, I wouldn't refer to Jonny as The Downzer since there's only one of him. The Downzers only makes sense because it's a group name - a big-family thing, as I said before. And it conveys the affection and easy relationship we have with our kids.
I think our family has always had a very unusual response to Down syndrome. When Jonny was born, Tripp and I were filled with joy, not grief. And from the get-go we taught our children to be fiercely proud of having a brother with Down syndrome - kind of like an ethnic pride. They were very much on board when we decided to adopt their three brothers - and look forward to being responsible for them after Tripp and I are gone. That's Sophia in the picture, btw, with Jesse, Daniel and Justin.
I brought this up for family discussion a few days ago and my kids had an interesting take: they thought someone who had such a virulent emotional reaction to this would probably actually be the more prejudiced person because it shows some underlying shame - as if our kids need this kind of propping up by political correctness to be accepted and loved.
Sometimes kids can cut to the quick of a philosophical disagreement, can't they?
Posted in Disabilities, Down syndrome | Permalink
Comments
Wow, what insightful children you have!
Even with just 4 children I completely understand what you mean about sub-groups. Our eldest 3 are boys, and our youngest is a girl. They get broken into the "big boys" and the "little guys" for many things, and other times it needs to be "the boys, and, uh, the girl." We're hoping to adopt another girl-- which would have the little added benefit of making that last division roll off the tongue a little more smoothly ; ).
Posted by: marian | July 20, 2007 2:48 PM
We have sub groups too, with just four. And I think people need to take a happy pill if they give you grief about your nicknames. I think that's what "Downzers" is, a nickname. Just like me calling my kids "brats". I do it all the time. And I adore them. Take it easy, people! :-)
Posted by: Janet | July 20, 2007 3:06 PM
We only have 3 and I've "subgrouped" the "Elders" as we call them, AKA the 2 oldest boys. What I don't understand is how someone could think you were being mean, when you went and CHOSE to take in MORE of these beautiful kids. That makes NO sense to me. If you were poking fun, it'd be amazing for you to take care of the ONE you had biologically, KWIM?
Posted by: ~Kayla~ | July 20, 2007 4:08 PM
I so understand what you mean about it being a big family thing. We have "the oldest two" -- separate because the largest gap in our family (3 years!) is between #2 and #3. Then there's the "big kids" (the oldest 3), the "little kids" (the youngest 3), "the middle kids" (the youngest 3 except the baby), the girls, the boys, the babies -- practically a whole language of subgroups that only our family completely understands. ;) And of course, "small children," my term for the whole bunch, and "the horde," daddy's term.
However, I realized that I do not have a term denoting the fact that my two oldest are my adopted step-children. Why? Because I don't like it. I really wish things weren't that way. So if you can affectionately call your sons "Downzers," it just proves that you have happily accepted them as they are. Like your kids said, you are not ashamed. And I think that's a very good thing.
Posted by: Michelle Potter | July 20, 2007 5:46 PM
Golly, I thought everybody had groups! We've had the girls and the boys for a long time, but we also have the bigs, the middles, and the littles, to help define who's capable of what level of participation in things. I think it's just good sense!
Posted by: queenmommy911 | July 20, 2007 8:19 PM
Yes, we divide them differently depending:
the Girls and the Boys (we have three of each) or
the Bigs and the Littles (also three of each) - this is divisible by who's potty trained and who's not and we are having a very hard time with our daughter who has Cerebral Palsy and very soon to be 6 (it breaks my heart some days because of how she gets teased).
Posted by: SmocknMama | July 20, 2007 8:40 PM
I am amazed that you get such a negative response over calling your boys the "Downzers."
Sometimes people are more concerned with sounding right than having the right heart.
My guess is that your heart is in the right place and you can certainly withstand this type of attack.
Keep shining The Light!
Posted by: Elizabeth M Thompson | July 21, 2007 12:59 AM
i am sorry to hear about this! we had nicknames for our older two just when it was the two of them! "the girls"...they are 13 months a part and ever since the youngest could walk it had quickly changed from "Julia and the baby" to "the girls"...they have always been together like peas and carrots! so i can CERTAINLY understand subgroups for larger families! I always smiled when i heard you speak of the "Downzers" because i "heard" (read lol) the nickname spoken out of love the same way i lovingly nicknamed my oldest two (yep, we have a baby boy now)...I guess i can see how such a nickname could prove hurtful if there was only one Down syndrome child in the lot, but not in your case Barbara!!
I am saddened they would judge your family only based on theirs, and have such an inability of understanding for other families different from them...you would expect the opposite really, *especially* if they parent a Downs child as well...you would think tolerance was something they would have learned a long time ago?
*shrugs*
i personally love the cute nicknames within families!
kristy in england
Posted by: kristy | July 21, 2007 4:14 AM
We have 8 children (4 boys and 4 girls), and we subgroup them into the boyz, the girlz, the olders, the youngers, and two of them subgrouped themselves calling themselves "the twins" because they are the only two in the family with blonde hair! One is a 12 yr. old girl and the other is a 9 yr. old boy -- but the boy is as tall as the girl and they kind of do look like twins! LOL We also have "the Russians" for the 3 we adopted from Russia, but we never refer to our Haitian princess as "the Haitian" because she is the only one. And, we never separate them as the bios and the adopted, etc. I think if "the Downzers" is an affectionate family term and the DS boys don't have a problem with it, then it really shouldn't be anyone else's business!
Beth
Posted by: Beth | July 21, 2007 7:12 AM
Well, perhaps that's the problem. Maybe your antagonists only have one child - or at the most, the proper American family of one girl and one boy. (And probably none of them have Down Syndrome.) They just can't understand how larger families live life, how they adapt and adjust.
Don't let it bother you, Barbara. You tell us over and over how much you love all of your children. You've probably done more than anyone else to change the perception of DS children. You make us ALL want a child like this.
Posted by: Holly | July 21, 2007 8:50 AM
I have to agree with your children.
While I do believe that words have power.. like babies should be referred to as babies instead of Fetus. However, when I am pregnant, I do call the baby a " peanut".
I dont think there is anything wrong with your sub category nick name. Down Syndrome is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
Steph C
Posted by: Steph C | July 21, 2007 10:02 AM
Wow...someone spends their time campaigning about your use of the word "Downzers"?
Seriously? Good grief!
Could you have that person call me please? I have some things they could do around my house to keep them busy for a while...
Posted by: Imajackson | July 21, 2007 12:29 PM
Wow, Barbara! Your family always amazes me! I have learned SO much from you...and continue to!!! Thank you for being who you are!!!
We, too, have little group names. I was just tellling my husband last night...who somebody pointed out that I always call my oldest 2 "the kids", and my youngest "the baby" or by her name! It's SO natural! When you have a big family or a growing family...you can't refer to each one of the children by name EVERY time!!
I love your term of endearment for your boys with downs - I think it's beautiful, and that it DOES celebrate who God has made them!!!!
Posted by: shawnda | July 21, 2007 2:07 PM
I wrote you about this before...we called our two daughters with Down Syndrome the Downsie Twins until last December, when we added a third daughter with DS to our family and we haven't come up with a new name because the Downsie Triplets doesn't flow from the tongue as well! We've been grouping children for years: The Boys, the big girls, the little girls (the three with DS). With seven children, you have to come up with some way to group them!
If anyone is really inspired to look into adopting a child with DS, please look at all the gorgeous children at Reece's Rainbow. We found our most recent darling there!
Posted by: Jill | July 21, 2007 4:56 PM
Barbara,
This relates so well to an experience I had this week. There is a family from my church that has 9 children (3 biological and 6 adopted). The adopted children are all African American. I over heard her refer to her 6 african american children as the chocolate kids. Now, I can understand your use of the term downzers and I am assuming this woman at my church only uses the term as a term of affection, however, I would call this kind of terminology inappropriate. I am wondering if you think it is similiar to your use of the term downzers or if you feel it is also inappropriate? Also, I myself have 2 adopted african american children. I would appreciate your opinion.
Thanks so much,
Julie
Posted by: Julie | July 22, 2007 4:51 PM
Thanks everyone for the affirmation and understanding!
Julie, I guess if I heard the mom say that I wold be a little shocked at first and then I would probably just realize that she feels so comfortable and natural about the racial makeup of her family that she can say that without quaking in her boots for fear someone will judge her. I admire her confidence!
First of all, the whole African-American terminology is rather strange as not all black Americans are of African descent. And we don't refer to ourselves as Irish-Americans, etc. It's very unnatural, in my opinion.
Some people actually prefer the term black, but that's not very accurate either, is it? So we muddle along with our pc choices.
Actually for the disability community, it's only correct to say "my child with Down syndrome." It's called People-First language and so you're always supposed to "put the child before the disability." While I appreciate the symbolism, it makes for rather awkward writing as an essay of 1000 words about a child with a disability (disabled child is forbidden by the pc gestapo, the phrase "child with a disability" might appear a dozen times. How ridiculous is that? Do we say the child with brown eyes or the child who is tall - or do we say the brown-eyed child or the tall child. Is putting an adjective before a noun really putting a physical attribute before the individual person or is it describing the person in the most graceful language construction, avoiding unnecessary words?
You can see why I am not very fond of being dictated to by the PC language crowd nor of their judgment on people who might slip and say a Downs child rather than "a child with Downs." I mean, really. Lighten up. That kind of stuff is not really going to help our kids a lot at all.
So when I think about the question you raise about the mom, I think she's in a position like you and me - she took kids who no one else wanted and cooks and cleans and lays down her life for them. She probably loves them beyond measure. And she is comfortable in her family and proud of who they are. And relaxed enough to call them the chocolate kids with people she feels comfortable with.
I think we all need to have a sense of humor.
Also, I'm just so happy to hear that your church must be supportive of adoption. We have lots of big families in our church and lots of adopted kids. It is so cool to look around and see what God is doing with this wave of adoptions in the Christian community.
Just my two cents - although I went overtime :)
Posted by: barbara | July 22, 2007 5:32 PM
Barbara,
Tell whomever bothers you about what you choose to call your children to sit on a tack. Gosh, aren't there more important issues to address rather than bother someone who has adopted 3 DS children about why she shouldn't call her children by a name, something that to me, seems made up out of love, not malice!!
Honestly, they could adopt a DS child themselves and then change the world by calling them Down Syndrome if they want. Does it really matter to your boys if you call them that? I don't think so. All I ever see is their smiling faces and the love they get from everyone and the love they obviously have for everyone. Boy, your children are just SO mistreated. ~grin~
Ok, sarcasm off. Just tired of people picking on you over such stupid issues.
I'm just glad you are still willing to share your momma heart with everyone so we can glean from you. Keep up the good work!
Posted by: Christian Faith | July 23, 2007 12:19 PM
I had to laugh at this. I always thought it was cute when you said Downzers. I called my little guy a chunky monkey for the first year of his life because of his chubby legs. People actually accused me of setting him up to be fat his entire life by bestowing that nickname on him. I said it in love... really!! My kids could be chickens, monkeys or brats on any given day. My kids know I love them. If I refer to them by name they usually think they are in trouble. LOL. When I had three under 3 in my home as foster children I called them the tots. I cant wait to be in that situation again one day. LOL.
I think you are a great mom and I love the nickname "Downzers"
I did have a friend who adopted a biracial baby and called her "my little brown baby". She was the best mom ever though and I dont think she meant any bad by it. She had a blond child, a puerto rican child, a native American child, and the biracial child. She called her brood the Village People. LOL
Posted by: Julie | July 23, 2007 11:46 PM
I love the term "downzers". I have a little downzer myself.
We too have split our family into categories. There's Gabe, oldest son who stands alone, the girls, the "Toads"(2 little barbarian boys, one of whom has downs) and the "Baby". Sometimes it's simply the big kids and the little kids and sometimes the baby is included in the Toad group.
Posted by: Maggie | July 25, 2007 12:20 AM
Great insight by your kiddos. I've always read Downzers as a term of affection. It was fun reading about the different names families use.
With regard to skin color, I noticed my kids would use the color when they were trying to describe someone to me, just like they would hair color. They usually use "brown skinned." I'd never thought of it as simply a physical attribute.
Hugs to you.
Posted by: Lexie | July 27, 2007 10:29 AM
This has to be the stupidest thing I have ever read. To those who have a hissy about the term "downzers" think about it this way: If a woman has a child with DS who she sees as a blessing and chooses to adopt three more who she loves and cares for, it is pretty safe to say that her affection for people with DS is genuine. As heroic as nagging someone about terms they use in their daily life is, I have much more confidence in the person who LIVES their beliefs in a positive way, like Barbara. Next time someone gives you grief about the "downzers" laugh in their brittle uptight face and go enjoy life. It is obvious you love the "downzers" by your actions, don't answer to those who are terminally constipated.
Posted by: Ben | January 16, 2009 11:58 PM
THANKS THANKS THANKS! Someone linked this out to my blog today after I endured some pretty nasty backlash from the PC police on how I talk about my kids. That would be the 3 FASD, 2 AS, and then the other 5. I was almost scared to follow the link as it has been a pretty brutal day - but I am so glad I did. I ended up deleting my posts because I didn't need the stress today.
Blessings -
Posted by: dorothy | March 23, 2009 8:49 PM
New to your site and followed one of your recent posts here.
I've got a kid with diabetes and it really is kind of amazing the time folks will spin wheels on insisting on "child with diabetes" instead of "diabetic child" (and certainly not just "diabetic"). I appreciate that we often need to be reminded to treat the child as a child instead of focusing on one aspect, but I don't think these language games are very useful for doing that.
Your story about instilling fierce pride reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw a couple weeks ago -- fashioned in the "my kid is an honor student at. . . " style. It read "My kid has more chromosomes than your kid has."
Posted by: Marie | August 19, 2009 7:20 PM
