August 8, 2007 7:33 PM
Adoption and Reactive Attachment Disorder
Two and a half years ago when MommyLife was a typepad account attracting a handful of visits a day, I was blessed to find a TechnoWhiz who was able to help me as it grew. You have probably heard me refer to him as my BlogGuru, who blogs as King of Fools. Though he lives half a continent away, by this time I feel I know Ed and his wonderful wife Tammy very well.
With three children of their own, some time ago they decided to open their home and their family to a child who needed them. It hasn't been an easy process and they have had their share of disappointments. But recently they were able to welcome a sweet little daughter into their lives.
At 23 months and with several placements behind her, their new daughter had a little bit more about love and trust to learn than the average child. Tammy went to work researching and then putting everything she learned into practice.
I was so impressed with what she told me, that I asked her to write about it so I could share what she's been doing with my readers:
Barbara,Here is the info I said I would send you and I thought you might like to post this on your blog. If I have left anything out that you think I should add let me know.
In January my husband and I began preparing to adopt a child through the state through a group called Houston Achievement Place in Houston, Texas. We wanted a younger child...preferably 3 or younger. By April, we were finished with our homestudy and in May we were selected for a 23 month old Hispanic girl. She had been in several homes as a foster child, but now CPS was trying to find a permanent adoptive home for her. We felt placing her in our family was God's plan for her and for us, so in June she was placed into our home as a foster child. We should be able to adopt her soon.
About a month before she was placed with us, a friend that I stay in touch with every couple of months recommended some material by Nancy Thomas to help with bonding/attachment issues. Her web site is attachment.org. The materials have been a life saver. We have seen
incredible changes in her and she is bonding so quickly with my husband and me. Of course it takes a lot of dedication and patience, but it is an investment that will last a lifetime. The program for help with bonding when adopting toddlers is called Taming the Tiger While it's a Kitten (Intensive Care for Toddlers at Risk for Reactive Attachment Disorder). She also has wonderful material for people that have adopted or desire to adopt older children that are at risk
for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). They are very helpful on the phone also if you have any issues or questions.The conditions that put a baby at high risk for attachment problems and future behavior difficulties are:
*Unwanted pregnancy
*Pre-birth exposure to trauma, drugs or alcohol
*Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
*Neglect (not answering the baby's cries for help)
*Separation from primary caregiver
*On-going chronic pain such as severe colic, hernia or ear infections
*Changing day cares or using providers who don't do bonding
*Moms with chronic depression
*Several moves or placements (foster care, failed adoptions)To obtain any of these materials I mentioned above, go to attachment.org. There you will also find a list of the places where Nancy will be doing her seminars and other helpful information.
If you feel led to adopt, I believe if you apply the information in these materials you will have a good experience. Just be ready to work hard!
Tammy
Posted in Adoption | Permalink
Comments
Thank you for sharing this! My husband and I looked into adoption through an organization in our church specializing in Russian placements. At the time, several families in our church were struggling with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Two of the families actually removed the children from their homes because of the damage they were seeing with their other children.
Watching these families agonize over their decisions and seeing the pain they experienced gave my husband serious concerns about adopting.
I don't know if he will ever have a change of heart (he was never 100% on board with adopting). But it is great to know there is such support if and when we add a child to our family through adoption.
Thanks!
Posted by: Elizabeth | August 9, 2007 12:22 AM
Barbara,
I am a mom of 8, including 3 children we adopted from Russia at ages 2 1/2, 7 and 10 and a little girl we adopted from Haiti at age 7 (all were separate adoptions). Adopting an older child -- even a toddler -- is not for the faint of heart! As a Christian, you have to look at it as a ministry. My husband and I consider ourselves missionaries -- only we have brought the missions field to our home! We have dealt with different issues with all of our adopted children -- although I hesitate to use labels, they have all experienced different degrees of attachment disorder. But I have to say that challenging as it has been at times, it has been a joy to partner with the Lord in this -- and to see the eventual fruit and healing that has come from giving these children a second chance. I have so many wonderful testimonies to share about our children, but I probably only have room for one -- our 14 yr. old son, adopted at age 10 from Russia, who was physically and sexually abused, rejected, malnourished, utterly shy, uneducated (he couldn't read in his native language when we adopted him) and labeled "stupid with no talents") -- is now a confident, articulate, smart, gifted young man who loves God with all his heart and just led 3 neighbor boys to the Lord after coming back from a youth group missions trip to a nearby city! The transformation in him is amazing! But this transformation didn't happen over night. It has come with much love, patience, discipline, more patience, praying, fasting, seeking the Lord on his behalf, and just trusting that seeds were being planted that would eventually yield a harvest! I see far too many families adopt, expect things to be wonderful right away and then give up -- disrupting the adoption -- like a divorce. Our daughter's friend got adopted at the same time we adopted her, and after 5 months the parents disrupted the adoption. It was heartbreaking, and it scared our daughter -- for years she believed that it was possible we would do the same thing -- even though we have assured her that she is our daughter just as if I had given birth to her -- that there is nothing she could do that would cause us to abandon her. And, when you think of it -- if you were having difficulties with a biological child, would you seek a new home for that child? Barbara, the material you reference by Nancy Thomas is excellent, and we have used it. If any of your readers would like to contact me to further discuss adopting an older child, I'd be so happy to talk to them! Our email address is bylerbunch(at)yahoo(dot)com
Blessings,
Beth
Posted by: Beth Byler | August 9, 2007 7:39 AM
Thanks so much for posting this, Barbara. And Beth, thank you so much for sharing your story. This is such vital information for adoptive and potentially adoptive families. I know a lot of families are fearful of adopting because they aren't educated and equipped to handle situations like attachment disorder. My husband and I hope to receive the blessings of many children through international adoption, so I'm glad to know about good resources like this.
I can't imagine how damaging it must be to a child to be rejected first by his birth parents and then also by his adoptive parents. I wish that people would consider what Beth said...you wouldn't give up a troublesome biological child (most of the time) - why do that to an adopted child? How heartbreaking.
Posted by: Becky Miller | August 10, 2007 9:41 PM
Children are the world's most valuable resource and its best hope for future!Children are like wet cement whatever falls on them makes an impression on them! Children begin by loving their parents,as they grow older they judge them..sometimes they forgive them.Children willnot remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.A child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there willnot be, another child.
Whatever they grow up to be, they are still our children,and the one most important of all the things we can give to them is unconditional love. Not a love that depends on anything at all except that they are our children.
http://www.disorderscentral.com/reactive-attachment-disorder.html
Posted by: Gianna Anderson | November 10, 2010 11:55 PM
