August 14, 2007 5:05 PM
How do you know when it's right to adopt?
Dear Barbara -
Hello! I was introduced to your site by a friend ____. We had a 'chance' meeting recently (God knew I needed some encouragement/direction) after being acquainted in High School. I am reading Mommy, Teach Me and Mommy, Teach Me to Read and I am delighted and enlightened.
My husband and I are 35 years old and have been married 13 years. We have a 12 year old, biological child with DS who is a real "handful" if you know what I mean. He is also the light of our life (I liked the 'Downzers' reference - totally got it!) We have a typical 6 year with ADHD who is homeschooled and doing wonderfully academically, and an adopted 4 year old who came to us medically fragile, but is very healthy now. He is a little slow to pick up on 'academic' things and I think a shift in thinking (your books!) will help alot.
We have recently been presented with the case of a 7 year-old boy from DYFS who is in need of an adoptive home. We heard his story and he seems like a happy, healthy little guy with some typical DS issues. He is referred to as "very active" and is not yet potty trained. He is also still sleeping in a large 'crib' because the foster mom feels he will wander. He is described as bright and interested in all that goes on the household, likes TV, matchbox cars, the family dog and swimming.
My husband and I are praying about this and discussing it - but we are really 'held back' and having a hard time how to practically discern if we are up to this challenge. As much as we would love to be the family for this little one - I wonder if we are being 'realistic'. When I talk about being 'realistic', I don't feel like I am having enough faith.
Do you have some practical or spiritual principles that might help us in our decision making process? Thank you for your website, articles and books - you are a great encouragement and wealth of information for those walking behind (and way behind!) you.
With our adoptions, the hard thing to explain to people is that what we did seemed completely irrational to everyone around us and yet we did it anyway.
We had nine kids under 12 including Jonny who had DS and was 4 and Maddy who was 3 when we adopted Jesse, our second son with DS. Then when Jesse was 6 months old we were asked to adopt another boy with DS who was to be born before Jesse's first birthday.
This made no sense to anyone. Catholic Charities, which had arranged for Jesse's adoption, refused to handle it and so we even had to pay a private agency to put Daniel's adoption together.
Looking back, I can hardly believe we did it. And now with the boys all reaching their teenage years and requiring so much planning, I can look back and see more than ever how God used my husband's and my impulsiveness and risk-taking and obedience to move our hearts to accomplish his will.
Normal people would have thought everything over carefully and considered how it would look ten years down the line. Then most would have said it was too much for them.
We, on the other hand, as Tripp says, "bit off more than we could chew and now we have to chew it" - but laughing while we say it. God certainly knows our weaknesses and has used them for his own purposes :)
Obedience looks irrational to other people. It sure doesn't look realistic or doable at all.
But many people live with terrible situations not of their own choosing. We are blessed that we have a chance to choose to obey God's will and to be co-creators with him in seeing his plan unfold. There are lots f people out there who adopt many kids with disabilities - I've met families who "specialize" in kids with no legs or terminal illnesses or Down syndrome. They've found - as you've probably found with your son with Down syndrome - that you have to become an expert in meeting your child's special needs and advocating for him - so why not spread your knowledge and wisdom to help others?
It has been hard work, but worth it. But I know for every one who answers the call there are probably many more whom God calls but then the "sensible" voices around them drown out the seemingly irrational idea which would take them way outside our typical American comfort zone.
Please don't misread this as harsh or condemnatory. We are all struggling to deal with selfishness and sin in our lives, becoming more conformed to the image of God. As I grow older I actually become more and more aware of how weak I am and how the only good that's been accomplished in my life has been completely due to God and certainly not through any merit of my own. Left to my own devices, I am a pretty selfish thoughtless individual.
But the Bible told me one thing I thought was important: He must increase, but I must decrease (John 3:30).
Trying to live that has made all the difference in my life - though there will always be too much of me, I'm sure.
Posted in Adoption | Permalink
Comments
Barbara,
I've been reading your blog now for about a month. Thank you for blessing me. I love everything you write about adoption and down syndrome. I have 2 bio kids and 2 kids by international adoption. One of my bio children is our fabulous 8 year old Sam who has Ds. Your words regarding what God does to increase himself and decrease "us" in our lives is appreciated. You truly articulated my heart in your words. Thank you.
Posted by: Jenice | August 14, 2007 7:08 PM
Beautifully written, Barbara. As the mom of seven, three with DS (one bio, two international adoptions) I really feel as though God has equipped me to raise my treasures. As a result of Emma, my bio, I spent incalculable amounts of time reading and researching DS and it has helped tremendously as we have adopted two more who are, frankly, nothing like Emma! And that's okay, because our lives are enriched by our children.
Posted by: Jill S | August 16, 2007 9:25 AM
AMEN to that!
There are days, weeks, months even that I feel God's entire call to adoption was for "me"! Sound a little selfish? Well. I'm not talking about my "hopes and plans" for me--or for them, but rather His hopes and plans for me--and for them. Four adopted children later, and nearly 10 years of parenting them, I find that God is STILL using the "blessings" of this call to bring me to my knees, deeper into his nature, and closer to his heart.
Posted by: Rebecca Barlow | August 16, 2007 10:02 AM
