October 4, 2007 9:10 AM
Tantrum-proofing your child - Part 1
Yesterday at the Leesburg Ross all the shoppers were looking at each other helplessly as we witnessed one of the worst cases of mothering I've ever seen. Actually, maybe it was a bad day for kids everywhere as it seemed like every store I went in had a toddler screaming in the background and a mother who kept shopping through it all.
Moms - when your child needs a break, they need a break. It's just part of being mom that you have to be flexible, to put your needs aside and get your child into a better emotional state before continuing with your own plans. If you're at a play or movie or concert, that means getting up and taking your child out into the lobby or parking lot or car. If you're clothes shopping, it may mean that you just have to go home without what you came for.
That said, I do believe it is possible to tantrum-proof your kids. I really do. I've had 12 kids and just have not experienced the meltdowns I see all too frequently - with parents who seem to take it in stride, like it's just what you have to expect from children.
Believe me, it's not. A child whose needs for independence are met at home - and whose parents understand and are trying to teach even their youngest children respect for others - will not be involved in these kinds of power struggles in public.
One of the reasons I became a Montessori teacher was because reading Maria Montessori's book The Absorbent Mind and watching my first daughter - Samantha Sunshine - prove to me that everything this wonderfully wise woman observed in children was true, led me to trust her ideas for how to educate them. Montessori's concept of preparing an environment to meet the needs of children under six - and her belief that through that prepared environment a child would thrive intellectually and emotionally resonated with me - which led me to return to college and then go on to the Montessori Institute for a year of advanced teacher training. Later, as a teacher, I saw these ideas work in classrooms ranging from inner-city schools with kids below the poverty level to schools with a majority middle class Asian population to the most affluent Marin county schools.
I never dreamed someday that I would have 12 children or that I would homeschool them. What a gift I was given to have the background to prepare a home environment and learning atmosphere that would fulfill my children's needs!
I'm not boasting at all here. But just as if I saw a friend struggling with a health issue I'd want to share the things that had worked for me to keep my family well, when I see desperate and unhappy children with mothers either desperate or ignoring or brutal in their response, I just want to put my arms around them and say, "There is a better way."
There is a better way.
I'm going to start running some stuff I've run before at MommyLife for the benefit of new readers - as well as maybe a reminder and encouragement to those of you who've been around a while. I've been privileged to hear from many of you how putting some of the ideas I share here has radically changed your relationship with your children and your everyday life.
You can always access a lot more information through the Categories tab at the top - or by doing a search at my personal Google in the right sidebar for Montessori, preschoolers, spiritual development, character, etc.
You can order my books and read them. I always feel a little awkward pushing my books, but you need to know I wrote them because I believe they truly can help moms find the keys not only to their children's hearts but to unlocking the joy of motherhood and raising kids. I've written in a reader-friendly style that respects how little time moms have for fluff and nonsense and how little patience for pomp and preachiness. I've written to encourage and not to scold. It would break my heart to think that anyone felt a greater burden after reading my books - though I want to present ideals to work toward, I believe ideals should lift us up, not weigh us down.
Moms, you need to know that those days when you feel discouraged and as though you didn't do enough - that type of thinking is not exclusive to moms. Teachers feel that way too. In fact, your husband may feel that way too when he comes home from work. So don't take those feelings of guilt seriously - they will only get in the way of your joyfully tackling the next day.
But do realize that to make the most of these years with your children you need to develop more understanding and work on new skills.
Does it seem I've gone far afield from my observations of yesterday? What I like about writing my blog is the feeling I get that we're sitting together having coffee (or tea) while our kids played in the background. I've been a mom for 38 years and I'm still raising six children (eight with the big guys are home from college). I KNOW this life. I know your struggles and the tremendous amount of energy it takes to keep going when sometimes it seems like there is so little reward. I want to help in any way I can.
When I see a mother like the ones I saw yesterday with kids out of control - coping by gentle persuasion, brutality, and even ignoring - I'm not indignant. I just feel like crying and putting my arms around them.
There is a better way - not based on stopping the tantrum, but by never even getting to the point where they would happen.
It is possible to meet the child's developmental needs in such a way that he or she has inner peace and stability. It is possible to develop patience and flexibility and respect for others even in the youngest children. And it's not based on clamping down and outside discipline, but on instilling a sense of order and inner discipline.
This is what I'll be concentrating on here for a while. I hope you enjoy the series!
Posted in Montessori, Mothering, Preschoolers, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
I'm looking forward to the series! I've read the books and your blog for awhile, but these repeat posts will serve as good reminders for me.
Posted by: Amanda at So Many Joys | October 4, 2007 11:36 AM
Thank you, Barbara, for this today, it is exactly the perspective I need. Some day when you come down to Liberty with your sons, you should stop in and have some coffee with us!
Posted by: gwen | October 4, 2007 11:49 AM
Barbara - I can't wait to read the whole series. I feel like we have a pretty good handle on things around here (most of the time!), but I notice as we have more children that we fall into bad habits like yelling and letting things slide when things get a little crazy. A refresher course would be great! Also, I'd love any tips you have to offer for working with several little ones at one time:)
Posted by: Shannon M | October 4, 2007 12:35 PM
Oh, I can't wait! My mantra at the moment is "He'll be 4 in 2 weeks, 4 in 2 weeks". Three has been a difficult age for us, and recently he has really been tantruming more than usual in public. Usually he's tired and we're someplace that we HAVE to be and he'd rather not be (sometimes me too!). I do need ways to deal with the issue proactively, since leaving isn't always a possibility.
Posted by: Gem | October 4, 2007 8:21 PM
I am looking forward to this series, maybe it will help to clear up some of my frustration with this post. I feel frustrated because I have a hard time believing that my child will not have the occasional meltdown. My husband and I have great kids - they are respectful, kind and very obedient. We don't ignore bad behavior, we deal with the behavior in loving, consistent ways and it shows. Eve's teachers love her to pieces, Judah is adored everywhere, yet neither are perfect. Judah had a minor meltdown at the health food store today - it was naptime, but I couldn't be home which means I was dealing with a very tired little boy. I bought my vitamins ( 20% off on Thurs.) and got out. Neither my husband or I ignore or tolerate screaming, out of control behavior or outbursts. If any of that ever happens we leave the room or building and deal with it away from people. We stress respect to the others around us. But, it does occasionally happen! In fairness, I may simply misunderstand what you are stating in your post. If you are saying that it is possible to raise a child so that by the time they are age 3 or 4, they will not have a tantrum, then I agree. If you are saying that it is possible to raise children through all ages and never experience a tantrum, then I will definitely be looking forward to the rest of the series. I'd love to have tantrum/meltdown free children, which I nearly do...except for that occasional time, which is where my question lies. Is it possible for children to be totally tantrum free?
Posted by: Andrea | October 4, 2007 8:49 PM
Barbara, I have to assert that "inner peace and stability" are not always possible with a child who has autism (try having inner peace and stability when you can't regulate stimuli that are bombarding and overwhelming you-- stimuli that no one else may even notice)or some other, similar issues. Kids with such issues do not have any outward signs, such as The features typical of Down syndrome, to alert others to the fact that they're not just your typical kid, and thus invoke a shred of understanding. While I love you and am curious about the ideas you will bring forth,I'm hoping that they're brought with a sensitivity that will be passed on to the reader. I am so tired of being judged, and parents just don't need any more ammunition to judge one another.
Posted by: marian | October 4, 2007 9:22 PM
Barbara, Barbara, Barbara--I love you and quote you and really and read both your blogs. I've read most all your books, as well as some of the Montesorri ones. I feel comfortable claiming we have an ordered, child friendly home. "Never even getting to the point where [tantrums] would happen" is a statement I would have to take issue with.
My first born had her first tantrum before she was even a year. She is definitely a high needs child, and oh, is she strong willed. In her whole life there has not been one single method that has "worked" for her. It's only through prayer and perseverance that she is a joy to be around today.
I bring this up because there may be other moms out there with a child like mine, and they may feel like somehow it is their fault they don't have a tantrum free child, and it isn't.
We all have lots to learn--that's why I read you. I know I can always improve and do better, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no amount of 'meeting her needs for independence at home - and understanding--and teaching even our youngest children respect for others' - would have avoided tantrums in my girl.
Posted by: Jessica | October 4, 2007 9:47 PM
Let me just say first and foremost, I love my boy. He's 5 now and getting better. 4 was he**ish at times. But most always, I don't take him out unless he's had a nap or it's early in the day. I learned when he was a baby that even the simplest tasks for me - errands, visiting friends, shopping, etc, just plain wears him out and overwhelms him. Since I realized this when he was bout 6 months old, he's only had one real tantrum/meltdown. It was a bad, bad day let me tell you! So I always try to arrange my schedule around his core needs. This doesn't always happen and I pay the price. Sometimes it's unavoidable. Sometimes I don't think or plan ahead and I kick myself. I have taken all this into account with my 1 year old and we've only had 2 tantrums while we have been out with her. They were small ones and my husband was able to calm her until we got to the car.
Posted by: MamaLady | October 6, 2007 1:12 AM
