October 11, 2007 4:22 PM
Tantrum-proofing your child - Part 2
I know I promised a series on Tantrum-Proofing Your Child. But life got in the way :)
I also felt a little deflated by various comments which made me feel like I had to start the series like a cigarette pack full of disclaimers. Let me just say that there are two kinds of motivational communicators - those who tell you you're fine the way you are and those who speak in terms of ideals to strive for. Seriously, I cannot do my job if I have to start out by giving you all the exceptions to the rule and all the possible excuses why what I'm going to say won't work for everyone.
I'm a big believer in being proactive - that is determining a course of action based on a vision for a brighter future. I really do believe a lot of parents think tantrums go with the territory. I really do believe they don't. Yes, there may be an occasional meltdown, but it should be clear that that is unacceptable. Before you can begin to eliminate/cut down on tantrums, you must believe it is possible. My proactive plan is based on providing for the needs of the child for independence, order, and self-control.
Anyway, since we had a cold snap today and I will be out of town next week and so I clearly need to get out all the winter clothes, I am going to take an easy way out here with this previously-published article which might give you some fresh ideas.
I apologize as the writing style is very parenting magazine-ish and not bloggy. It just reminds me why I love blogging as opposed to magazine articles - it's so much more immediate and real. Anyway, I hope in spite of the writing style, there is something helpful here for you :)
What to do about manipulation?“I just don’t know how to deal with Paige these days,†my friend Allison confided recently. "Seems like she’s always pouting about something. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I give in just to get things back on track. Or I try to coax her out of it and she ends up getting way too much attention. Either way, I end up feeling so manipulated!â€
Allison was surprised when I told her she was already on her way to a solution. But any parent coming to grips with a problem can take heart: the first step to eliminating an unwelcome pattern is noticing it’s there.
So what to do about manipulation? The first thing a frustrated parent may need is a fresh perspective. Dealing with a sulky, pouting child can bring out a host of negative parental feelings, creating enough emotional static to distort the real message.
Remember that a child doesn’t intentionally set out to manipulate, but resorts to pouting and other manipulative techniques when other means have failed. However, once she discovers these techniques work – by enabling her to get her way, or extra attention – they may become the tools she employs first in pursuit of any goal.
As Dr. William Sears observes in Christian Parenting and Child Care, “At this stage of development, a child sees her interaction with her parents mainly as communication, not manipulation ... Parents, avoid the tendency to overreact to your child’s efforts to get what she wants....When you direct her efforts to manipulate (rather than trying to squelch them), she is encouraged to communicate her needs, and she feels right in communicating them.â€
In short, a child who manipulates is not seeking to wrest control from her parents, she’s simply stuck in an immature form of communicating what she wants.Take these steps to help your child grow into a more mature communication pattern:
1) Step away from your feelings: When you feel frustrated by your child’s sulky behavior, take a step away from the situation. Many parents are all too quick to sense a power struggle where one is never intended. It’s hard to have a tug-of-war when only one side is pulling the rope.
2) Step into her shoes: What is your child really after? Is it all about power or is there some outcome she really wants? Remember, children have a limited repertoire of negotiating skills – perhaps pouting is the only option she can think of. Have you given her every opportunity to express herself constructively? Does she know you have taken her wishes into consideration, that your decision isn’t just an assertion of your power?
3) Step onto her side of the fence: So often when our children display negative emotions, we react by stepping on the other side of an invisible fence, and the picture becomes Parent vs. Child. Try thinking of the struggle in terms of Parent and Child vs. The Conflict. How can the two of you resolve the current problem and move on?
4) Step through the process: Teach your child how to express herself by offering her other options: "Honey, I know you're upset because you want to go with me today. But sticking your lip out and pouting won't change things. Use your words to tell me how you feel. You might say, ‘I am so unhappy! I wish I could go with you, Mom!' Then I would say, ‘I wish you could come too, but not today.' See, when we're away from each other I miss you too."
All of us want our feelings to be respected. Children are no different. By teaching your child to express her feelings in a constructive way you’re giving her the tools she’ll need to handle adult conflict in a healthy manner – and lots of years at home to keep practicing with you.
Posted in Montessori, Mothering, Preschoolers, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
Ha ha. I typed out a long diatribe about my experience with 4 totally tantrum free kids. Then I chuckled that this was your job, so I deleted my long-winded two cents. :)
Yes, it is possible, without a lot of stress for mom! I'm not trying to say I have a better mothering handle on things, I just relied on some boundaries I set for MYSELF as a parent and it worked.
Posted by: Kelly | October 12, 2007 11:40 AM
Beautifully and encouragingly said!
Concepts like this have helped me SO much with my boys: 3) Step onto her side of the fence: So often when our children display negative emotions, we react by stepping on the other side of an invisible fence, and the picture becomes Parent vs. Child. Try thinking of the struggle in terms of Parent and Child vs. The Conflict. How can the two of you resolve the current problem and move on?
While we still sometimes get into an adversarial stance, in general our family has a "we're on the same team" attitude and it makes all the difference in the world.
Posted by: TulipGirl | October 12, 2007 5:23 PM
Ah yes, Barbara. The GREAT clothing exchange. Me too, times seven right now, plus being hugely pregnant. Ugh.
I had to laugh at your intro, because, honestly, isn't that the most frustrating thing about blogging? (I have loved blogging, but am SO tired of the disclaimers.) It seems there is nothing you can say...unless you want to cover EVERY disclaimer and every angle...then you have used up your space doing THAT and not saying what you want to say.
I'm kinda surprised that anyone would fuss against a mom of 12 who tries to tell them how to not have tantrums in their children. If anyone should know how to make that happen, it should be you!
We don't do tantrums, either. The kids just know they don't work here. You give many great keys to making that a reality.
Posted by: Holly | October 13, 2007 9:14 AM
It's good advice, really it is. What I need, though, is what to do after number 4, when her feelings have been aired and empathized with, but of course the answer is still "no." THAT'S when the screaming and crying and jumping up and down commences. I'm getting better at not engaging and making things worse, but I'm just not seeing how to prevent the tantrum all together.
I'd really like to hear more strategies, from other moms as well as Barbara! Readers with tantrum-free kids, do your kids calm down after number 4? Because that's when mine ramps up...when she is finally convinced that no means no and wishes to register her disapproval of the decision. Loudly. I'm seriously thinking of getting her voice lessons when she's older, because all that volume and drama would be perfect for opera or on Broadway.
(And it doesn't help that when my DD pulls the crying or screaming on the playground, other moms immediately try to get their kids to give in to her. No! Your kid does not have to placate my kid just because she's louder!)
Posted by: Jennifer | October 18, 2007 7:05 AM
