December 6, 2007 10:33 AM
Elisabeth Elliot on spanking
You will save your child a lot of heartache if you start teaching obedience early. I know obedience is a bad word in many circles. But it is strongly related to self-control. And it is very necessary to protect a child from danger.
When I started as a mother, I was very against spanking. That was put to the test when Samantha ate a bunch of children's aspirin - back in the days before child-proof caps (yes, there were those days :)
The first time she did it, like a good mom, I sat and talked with her about all the reasons why she shouldn't do that again: it was dangerous, would make her sick, etc. The second time, I was astonished that my calm, reasoned approach had not worked. But I did it again. The third time, I explained that I would spank her if she ever did anything dangerous I had already told her not to do, and I listed the spankable offenses: going into the medicine cabinet, going out in the street, etc.
The fourth time, I spanked her.
The thing about spanking is that it has to be done without anger and for deliberate disobedience, just as EE points out:
A Child's Obedience
Questions from a young mother: "How can I train my twenty-month-old to come to me? How many times do I say 'Come here' before I go and grab him?"
The very first time you tell the child to do or not to do something (come here, don't touch, sit still), (1) make sure you have the child's attention; (2) look him straight in the eye (let him know he has your attention); (3) speak in an even, normal tone, address him by name, give the command; (4) give him a few seconds to let the message sink in; (5) speak his name again, and ask, "What did I say?" Since training should begin long before he is talking, he will not be able to verbalize the answer, but he should obey. Children always are way ahead of their parents' idea of what they can understand. (6) Tell him once more: "Mama said come, Andrew." If he does not obey, spank him. After the first time or two of practice, spank after you've spoken once.
To make a habit of repeating commands is to train the child to believe you never mean what you say the first time. If the first lesson in obedience is carried out as above, the child learns quickly that you mean exactly what you say. I know it works--my parents taught us this way, and I watched them train my younger sister and brothers. I found that it worked with my daughter Valerie.
If you run after the child and physically force him to do what you say (e.g. grab him when he doesn't come, take something away when he touches it), you are training him not to pay attention to your words. He knows he can get away with anything until forcibly restrained.
Now about spanking. The book of Proverbs speaks of the "rod of discipline," (22:15) and says, "Rod and reprimand impart wisdom, but a boy who runs wild brings shame on his mother" (29:15, NEB). "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him" (13:24, NIV). My mother used a very thin little switch from a bush in the backyard. We knew there was one in every room, readily available to administer a couple of stings to our legs if we disobeyed. Valerie keeps a thin wooden paint stirrer handy in the house, and also in her purse. One or two firm "paddles" on a small outstretched hand are language that an under-two child understands very clearly.
Don't imagine that following this advice will mean that your child will be punished twenty times a day. The wonderful thing about these simple rules is that punishment needs to be used very seldom, if you start soon enough. If you begin at the beginning to show the child you are serious about obedience, you will not need to undo the months or years of raising your voice, repeating commands again and again, rushing after him. You will have control. The child will be learning to trust the word of authority (which will make it much easier later for him to believe that God means what He says) and your life together will be much more peaceful and happy.
Suppose your child is already twenty months or three years old and you have not taught him to obey? Then you must both pay a price, but I believe it can be done. Set aside a whole morning to start over. Talk to him, tell him how much you love him, tell him, "This morning we are going to learn the most important lesson you will ever have to learn." Let him see that you are in earnest. Start practicing the beginner's rules.
A word of caution: spanking, in my opinion, should be for deliberate disobedience only. When a child spills his milk or stuffs peanuts up his nose or pours your talcum powder all over the carpet, he is not being disobedient. He is only acting his age. You have not forbidden him to stuff peanuts up his nose. If you have, and he does it anyway, spank him. If, in defiance, he dumps his milk on the floor, spank him. But childish mistakes and messes must be pointed out, and by all means he should be made to rectify them or clean them up as best he can. Think of punishments that will fit the "crimes," but reserve the stick or the switch for deliberate disobedience. He will soon learn that when he defies you, a spanking follows as sure as the dawn follows the night--even if you are in church or the supermarket. Take him out to the car and spank him. Explain the whole system to him again (after the spanking), if necessary. Put your arms around him, assure him of your love, and change the subject.
I personally do not use anything but my hand for spankings. And the important thing is to be calm, to explain why a spanking is necessary, and to follow up with a hug and some positive discussion. I've found that my children understand justice at an early age and do not feel they've been treated unjustly. In fact, it brings some relief and the ability to start over with a fresh slate.
As always, I'd like to encourage you to include Elisabeth Elliot in your morning reading. She gives you a lot to think about during the day. Subscribe to her daily devotions here.
Posted in Mothering, Preschoolers, Toddlers | Permalink
