December 11, 2007 8:15 PM
Moms: when you know you need to change
One of the most touching and beautiful things about life on earth to me is the gift God has given us of being able to change. If you're a person who's been blessed to grow up in a stable home and have always stuck to the straight and narrow, you may not know what I mean. But for those of us who've had to confront the ugly reality of inadequacy and sin, God's gift of redemption and renewal can feel like Lazarus must have felt being stripped of the grave clothes.
It hurts to be completely honest. But it's also a necessity in order for God to work in our lives. He can't do much with us as long as we're in self-protective mode. We must hit bottom before He can lift us up. But if we try to short-circuit the process, we'll keep falling again and again.
Those of you who've been around for a while know I wasn't always a perfect mother. In fact, for years I was an exceedingly self-centered and very neglectful mom. Thank God, He intervened in my life and was able to make something of it. I will never stop telling this story, because I think there are other moms out there like me - who made a bad start and then wanted to change. My message to you is that you can do it! You truly can!
It is in that spirit - and as an example of the intense self-honesty you need to begin this process that I asked the mom who wrote me this if I could share it:
Here's me in a nutshell: Paranoid, insecure, growing sarcastic, and self-pitying/weepy (over lack of money).Here's my 3 year old son:
Paranoid, insecure, not yet sarcastic, and not sure that he is allowed to cry because I stupidly told him not to cry, when I should have said "don't throw yourself on the floor or into furniture" or "That fit will get you nowhere. You still have to go potty."
I have made all the mistakes I swore I would never make. I have focused on myself and my issues for 3 years.
Thank you for helping me change. And you are right, it is easier to change when you do it for your child.
He spends so much of his time absorbed with his cars, just pushing them back and forth. So when I started reading your book I immediately put him to work in the kitchen, and he is already so much better, smiling more, and I'm not standing there in a stupid daydream. I've been too quiet and too perfect and not in tunedwith him at all. I can fix this.
I WILL fix this! Having a new infant son who smiles all the time, suddenly I realized that my son used to smile all the time too, and what happened to that? I happened, I didn't teach him to be useful or to enjoy his day. He is afraid to try new things because he is afraid he will fail, afraid he will not be perfect. And I have not ever known that I needed to teach him these skills outlined in your book.
Naptime's almost over.......gotta hurry!!!!
I'm reading fast, so forgive me if I missed it (I'm going to read it again), and I'm only halfway through, but do you prefer setting aside 15 or 20 minutes for each activity? Does it help the concentration to say "We will do this for 15 minutes"
and do you have "school time" for lack of a better word, or do you just work the activities around your daily life?
My son was born very badly, and has been to a chiropractic over and over and over, and since he couldn't move correctly as a baby he is very behind. I have had to teach him how to pull (bend your arm, pull backwards) and he is 3! So some of his inability is my fault and some is from his birth, and I am just excited to finally find a method of helping him without putting him in physical therapy (which he doesn't really need, he just needs PRACTICE at everything!) I do thank God often, even in my bad state of mind, that my son is okay cognitivly. Very smart, but quiet (like me), and shy.
He is 3, and thinks he needs me to undo his velcro shoes and take them off. He has become very dependent on me, and now he doesn't want try. Needs much encouragement.
So I'm off to get organized. Please send back timing recommendations if you have time, because I can see myself going overboard and making the exercises too long for him. My husband has been saying that I haven't been happy since I gave birth to him.
I used to sing songs, and then I just stopped. So a few days ago I started singing him a song before bed again. He reached up and touched my face and hugged me without me begging for a hug. So much better. My husband is happy too.
Thanks so much! Can't wait to read the next book about reading, and I started the Mommy manual, and I bought all these on credit, but it's worth it.
I think the key to parenting might be not standing around thinking about myself all day, and really focusing on those smiley faces, and playing cars, and throw in some Bob the Builder here and there (once a day is plenty), and teach teach teach.
Timing recommendations if you have time please!!
Thanks,
M
My reply - which just skims the surface, so be sure to add your comments below:
Dear M -I am with you, my friend! I have been exactly where you are - having to come to grips with the fact that I just wasn't doing a good job. Thank God for second chances!
I just posted something on this subject with a link to an old post I did: For mothers who need a fresh start
I would so love to publish your letter - anonymously of course - seeing someone be so honest has a way of inviting others to do the same. And we all need to be taking stock and willing to change.
I do hope you've read my books - if you can't afford them, ask your library to get them. And just pull up all the stuff under Montessori/preschoolers/toddlers through the categories at my blog.
You asked: do you have "school time" for lack of a better word, or do you just work the activities around your daily life?
They are just woven into our daily life. My children's work table is in the family room next to the kitchen, so I can easily help them get started on something and if they are able to work independently to observe them from the kitchen.
In general you should let a child work as long as he wants at an activity, inviting repetition: "Do you want to do the puzzle again?" But if you think your child needs an external goal to work towards, you might want to try the timer. Just start out with an amount of time you think he can handle and then gradually increase. That would not be my first choice, though.
Try to find things that he loves and that absorb his attention and encourage those activities. Coloring books seem to have a way of bringing out concentration. Once the child develops the habit of concentration, he can transfer that ability to other activities. See stickers and coloring books.
Singing helps so much. Sit down on the floor with your son and sing with him -
the wheels on the bus
five little ducks went out to play
five little monkeys jumping on the bed
five little monkeys sitting in a tree
she'll be comin' 'round the mountain
where is thumbkin
do the hokey pokey (stand up - kids love this)Do you remember these songs?
Smile. Tripp and I have this saying we learned when we were in AA - Bring the body and the mind will follow. Don't wait to feel better to start acting better for your child's sake. do the right thing on the outside- smile and act happy - and you will find yourself growing happier too.
Seriously. God loves you and wants the best for you. He loves your son and wants the best for him too. But right now, you are the only way God can give your child the best.
You can do this, M, one day at a time.
I'm praying for you.
Make sure you're eating right and getting enough vitamins and fresh air. Ask God to help you find the joy He meant you to have. Don't give up!
Posted in Mothering, Preschoolers | Permalink
Comments
Barbara,
I love the advice, "Bring the body and the mind will follow." I need to follow that saying more.
Thank you for your words of wisdom, for M and for me and all the other mothers out there that you reach and help.
Posted by: Meg | December 11, 2007 10:26 PM
Dear M,
Yes, you can do it! With God's help, I did it! My first born is now 6! What a difference from when she was 3! You in a nutshell was me in a nutshell! Your son in a nutshell was my daughter in a nutshell! God's grace and mercy covers our sins! He honors repentance and change! I can testify to that! Keep it up! Some days will be discouraging. But you can change ~ if I can you will have no problem! (By the way, a few months ago, our daughter was sick. She asked me to hold her and sing her to sleep! I swear to you the angels in heaven rejoiced with me! :) )
Love in and because of Christ,
Sara
Posted by: Sara | December 12, 2007 9:56 AM
I feel so much like this woman at times! What about when you KNOW you need to change and WANT to make those changes but seem paralyzed in way. I struggle with this during periods of depression (related to a chronic health condition)...feel like if I could just start the process it could keep going, but can't seem to get started. Any suggestions for that?
Posted by: Cathy | December 12, 2007 1:23 PM
Dear Cathy,
I don't know how you handle things, but I can tell you how God showed me to handle my bouts of depression. First, I memorized some scripture. The passages I memorized or read and reread were not "feel good" passages. Instead they were some of the Psalms where David is crying out to God to save him. Each one turns to rejoicing in who God is! Then, I begged my husband to fight for me. Sometimes I could not fight for myself. But I could cling to him as he prayed over me and for me until my moment had past. Lastly, I had to check my diet. Barbara is right. If you are lacking in vitamins and fresh air, you are going to have boulders in your apron pockets dragging you down. Make sure you are getting enough protein, especially if you have youngsters! They seem to be able to take your sugar highs for themselves and leave you with nothing!
But God also showed me this was a war I was in. Battles for myself and for future generations were going to have to be fought! I could surrender, and turn in to a crazed woman who brought my children and their future children down with me. Or I turn and fight. I still have to fight everyday. Some days I get brutally wounded. But GOD is faithful! I've learned not to surround myself in thinking on what I don't have. My mom calls it "no more stinkin' thinkin'". Think on what is good, noble, perfect, praiseworthy. Find someone to help you fight, who will be a prayer warrior First Class!
May God show you His battle plan for your life. But remember, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD! Perfect time of the year to be reminded that, no?
In Christ,
Sara
Posted by: Sara | December 13, 2007 5:40 PM
Thank you thank you thank you! I am finally coming out of a long bout of depression. Things got so bad that a few weeks ago I crawled into bed and finally picked up my bible again and read some of those scriptures of David's out loud. It really helped intensely to verbalize it and hear it in "real time." I found a book called "The Ghost in the House" that deals with motherhood and depression. I sobbed through the whole first half of the book, realizing that my withdrawing, not wanting to be touched, yelling at my kids, anger, etc. was depression. It looked different than my previous depressions had been. I am on medication now, thank goodness. But until now, I had not been able to find any books that addressed how to fix things after all the mess I had created - especially from a Christian viewpoint. I will pick this up as soon as possible and read it cover to cover. Thank you for writing something I have been desperately searching for (and I imagine many other women have as well). Both of my youngest children are high-maintenance and 13 months apart (3 and 2). And I have a 13 year old and a somewhat difficult husband to boot. Hopefully, I can work on hitting the reset button and begin to get my life and theirs back in order. Now, I have a resource to help me!
Posted by: Susanna | June 17, 2009 3:38 PM
