January 17, 2008 3:21 PM
SAHMs - dealing with criticism
Looking for your thoughts and encouragement for this stay-at-home mom:
Hi Barbara,
First of all I just wanted to thank you for having such a wonderful blog, I am learning so much. Also, welcome to the Catholic faith, I have enjoyed reading your journey.
I am a first time mom to a beautiful 14 month old little girl. I am really having a hard time with all of the people that "take jabs" at me for staying home with her. My family is very supportive of my decision, however, my husband's family is not. His own mother stayed at home with him, but now says kids need the interaction they get at daycare, and that my daughter is going to be a "mommy's girl". She also says families have to have two incomes.
I know she says all of this because her three daughters all work and have their kids in daycare. I am a very sensitive person, and this really bothers me. This family does a lot of talking behind everyone's back, and I can only imagine what they must say about me when I'm not around. I don't know how she can't see the benefits of me staying home. She always says how advanced and happy my daughter is, and she is never sick unlike her cousins in daycare.
I had a terrible pregnancy with a lot of hospitalizations, and my daughter was born premature, not breathing, and without a heartbeat. I didn't go through all of that to have someone else raise her. I'm sure all of my in-laws think two incomes are necessary because they live a lifestyle of brand new cars, boats, lake homes, etc. As for my husband and I, it is a struggle financially, but we have never been SO happy. I have everything I've ever dreamed of! I also get the feeling that they think since I stay home that I am lazy by a lot of the comments they make. How do I deal with my in-laws who love to take very subtle "jabs" at me for staying home?
Dear ________,Thanks so much for writing! Bless you for making the best decision you can for your child's future!! You can hold your head high because your confidence is really in God's work through you.
I would recommend you find support with other moms like you. Is there a MOPS group that meets near you where you can go meet other moms and be refreshed? At least there is a widespread online community of SAHMs (stay-at-home-moms) whose sharing of their daily lives is a lot like talking over the backyard fence.
Don't let anyone or anything stand n the way of you enjoying and being proud of the work you do at home. There are lots of pieces at my blog - look through categories - to give you ideas to make the most of these years. Your daughter will be so much better off because you bonded with her the way God intended - without the interference of others.
Though I recognize that sometimes mothers have to work - I was a single mom for five years - I also have found that those who choose to do so can become VERY defensive. Even if you don't have a critical attitude, your choice to stay home seems a reproach to them. There's little you can do to change that.
Would you like me to run your email at my site (anonymously) to see what others have to say? That is what is so cool with having the blog - the input from many others can lift you up in a powerful way too.
Check out this radical site. While you don't need to start cutting down the women in your husband's family, you can rest assured that you are doing the right thing. Be sure to share it with him too.
Love,
Barbara
Thank you so much for responding and for your kind words, I know you are very busy and I really appreciate it! I would not mind if you posted my email anonymously on your site. I know I'm definitely not the only one who gets this criticism, and would like to hear what others have to say about it.
I plan on joining MOPS soon, as I don't have any friends close by that are SAHM's. They all either work or don't have kids yet.
I agree that a lot of moms that work are very defensive. I was working part-time (weekends - so my husband could stay home with her when I worked) until my daughter was 12 months. I got mixed reactions from my co-workers when I told them I was leaving to stay home full-time. Both of the men I worked with, who are not married yet, told me they thought it was great and that they hoped their future wives would want to stay home! I also got very good reactions from the women that did not have any kids, but from those that did - I got an earful! One even went so far as to berate me in front of other coworkers by going on and on about how kids NEED the interaction at daycare, stay at home moms just sit in front of the TV all day, she couldn't be paid to be a stay at home mom, etc. That was my worst experience by far, I went in my boss's office because I couldn't hold back the tears.
Thank you for that website, I look forward to reading it during the next naptime.
Thanks again,
__________
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
Comments
As an in-law I think it is common that you will be compared to the other women in the family in an unfavorable light. That is kind of the story of my life with my in-laws. No matter what I am doing, my SIL is always doing it better. If you sent your child to daycare and went to work but your SIL started staying home then all of a sudden staying home would be superior.
(hug)
Posted by: paigeu | January 17, 2008 5:03 PM
As a mom, no matter what you do there will be criticsm and a guilt-trip from somewhere. (The in-law ones can be awful because they can get so personal and you're stuck with them!)
As Christian mothers,we are fully in God's tender care as we shepherd his creations. I believe we are also squarely in Satan's sights, too, so there's always a battle, and the most formidable, subtle weapons are discouragement, guilt, and total devaluation of the high calling of motherhood.
Knowing why you're doing what you're doing and whom you are really trying to please-- and somehow staying focused on that-- is the best thing. Much easier said than done, I know! (I struggle all the time with this via some unusual circumstances and choices in my family.)
As for knowing why you are doing what you are doing, may I recommend one amazing book? It was recommended to me by a woman (and mom of 10) I respect a great deal, and really clarifies reality. It's called Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. Here's a link:
http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1200609780&sr=8-1
It outlines the facts of human development and the powerful attachment drive, and the effects our youth culture is having on our kids. It is a secular book, but not inconsistent with scripture (It's the effect of "man cannot serve two masters; he will hate one and serve the other..." as seen in the way our intense need for attachment works in human relationships.)Wish I'd had my eyes so open when my first was a baby.
You are making a wonderful choice for your family. Be confident in God and the high calling he has placed you in-- he wants to work in and through you as the most important figure in this new little human's life! And know that you are in very good company!
Posted by: Marian | January 17, 2008 6:03 PM
Everybody's a critic! And, everyone's got an opinion. Many are all too happy to share their opinions about what you should do, whether you ask to hear it or not.
Don't let yourself fall into the trap of believing you need to make decisions for your family based on ANYONE else's opinion. Nobody knows better than you and your husband what is best for your children. Nobody else has to live with your decisions either.
Here's my unsolicited opinion. I think it is wonderful for moms to stay at home with their children when it is possible. Your baby will have plenty of time and opportunities to interact or socialize with other children. That nonsense about needing to interact at daycare and preschool is just that, nonsense! Who better for a child to spend her time with than the two people who love her and care for her more than anyone else in the world?
When people make obnoxious comments or give you unsolicited advice in the form of criticism, just thank them for sharing and change the subject. Don't let it get under your skin. You have the right and the responsibility to raise your child as you see fit. You certainly don't need to apologize or justify your choices to anyone else. God bless you.
Posted by: Maggie | January 17, 2008 6:04 PM
Ever read the Little House books? Laura Ingalls Wilder went months at a time sometimes without seeing anyone outside her own family, let alone other children, and she turned out totally fine. Sure, your kids are growing up in a different society than she did -- but they also have way more social interaction than she did, and fundamental needs haven't changed much at all. They'll be fine.
I've come across moms -- even some moms who do stay home -- who think that staying home is all about watching TV and doing their own thing, and send their kids to preschool because "they get bored at home and, you know, there's only so much Barney they can watch." (Actual quote, overheard in a doctor's waiting room.) Anyone reading this site knows differently. Figure out what you want to accomplish as a SAHM, the home environment you want to create, the influence you want to have, etc., and let that guide your priorities, your days, and your responses to critics.
And find mothers who think like you! Whether online or in person, they're a wonderful support when you can't remember why you're doing this!
Newt
Posted by: Newt Sherwin | January 17, 2008 8:33 PM
Another great resource for you:
So many great ideas about maturing your own perspective about your chosen profession.
Posted by: Amy Jane (Untangling Tales) | January 18, 2008 2:08 AM
As far as your relationship with your in-laws, I would encourage you to learn as soon as possible that you are not going to change them. That lesson alone would have saved me years of grief and mental stress. Once you learn that, you can be more at ease around them.
But, if you want to try to keep things civil w/out hearing all the negative comments from them here are a few things that worked for me... When they call to invite you over to do something you can politely refuse by saying, "I can't, my daughter and I are attending a playgroup at that time." (This will help them realize you aren't staying at home all day.) When they say, "Do you mind watching your sick nephew? I am sick today." You can say, "I would love to but that's the day we attend music class at the Y." Or whatever. My point is - you aren't going to change your in-laws, but don't give them more ammo and promote your case a little. Then, relax and enjoy your daughter!
Posted by: Kristin | January 18, 2008 10:01 AM
The original writer asked, "How do I deal with my in-laws who love to take very subtle "jabs" at me for staying home?"
The best place to start (if your husband is willing) is to tell your husband what you feel from your in-laws, and ask if he's noticed it. If he hasn't asked him to look next time, and/or to defend you.
Not that he needs to give any sort of discourse. Some comment about how glad he is you make the sacrifices you do as the first reaction to a snarky comment-- something that states his unequivocal support of your lifestyle-- that would be useful.
It will build up your heart, even if the family doesn't notice it.
If he's not willing to do that, try explaining how sensitive you are to negative words, and ask he to look for words to encourage you at other times.
And I wouldn't encourage adding extra activities just to be able to tell folks what you are doing. That is still trying to play by their rules and values, which you've already said are different than yours.
It could end with scorn from them and frustration in you, because you all know you're not even playing the same game.
Most of all, as "immature" as some people may call it, surround yourself with people who think like you, and who share your values. This also will built up your heart.
If you're having trouble finding a parenting support-group, call your local WIC office (I don't know if this is a national program-- it's what our local early-childhood nutrition program is called: Women, Infants and Children).
They have lots of contact with young parents, and could know about more options in your community.
Posted by: Amy Jane (Untangling Tales) | January 18, 2008 1:08 PM
First of all, congratulations on the decision to stay home.
The socialization that your daughter needs most is with her mommy! I agree with the writer who suggested that your husband run defense with your in laws.
Some practical things to do: get involved with (or start) a moms club (there are websites for national organizations...just type in moms clubs) take advantage of community classes or programs for infants and toddlers. There are women out there who are facing the same problems that you are, connect with them.
We made the decision early on for me to stay home and we've never regretted it. My oldest son is nine and he's growing up to be a secure and confident kid (not to mention well socialized...despite being deprived of the day care experience!)
Also, check out daniellebean.com. Danielle has wonderful, Catholic and humorous perspective on motherhood.
Posted by: Siobhan | January 18, 2008 5:41 PM
