January 17, 2008 7:54 PM
Your advice needed
From my Inbox:
I have a question I think you can help me with or point me in the right direction. I have a friend who is a new Christian and is about to enter into something foreign to me. She is 31 and has 3 children. Her best friend is barren and my friend has offered to carry a child for her with donor sperm and my friend's own egg. She believes this is the ultimate demonstration of love to her best friend. Her best friend is not a believer. What would you say to her?
I wrote back briefly because I'm plowing through my Inbox today and because I knew my readers would have a lot to add:
Personally, I am 100% pro-life, which to me means not tampering with this part of our lives by any means. So I don't use birth control and I would not use IVF or any kind of artificial set-up like this.Not to mention how many things could go wrong - what if the birth moterh changes her mind? What if the baby is handicapped? What if so many things we can't imagine?
Adoption is nice :)
Do you want me to run this at my blog anonymously for a variety of opinions from my readers?
So, what do you think?
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Another problematic consideration is that her child, as she would be the genetic mother, would not be raised in a Christian home. It sounds harsh, but that means that she cannot assume that the child she gave birth to would gain salvation. She would help bring a soul into the world, only for it to possibly be lost. That is a big responsibility.
If she is going to watch her best friend raise a child she is the genetic mother to, and gave birth to, is she ever going to feel regret? Wish she could intervene when her friend makes what she considers a parenting mistake? There are lots of potential landmines that could cause the friendship to end.
Posted by: Jill | January 17, 2008 8:48 PM
I agree with Barbara. The creation of a new life is a beautiful, exciting, and wonderful gift in which God allows us the honor of participating! If we look at His perfect design for Life it involves the intimate act of a husband and wife, an act that is unitive and, when He blesses it so, Procreative. Science is a wonderful thing, but we should not try to take matters in our own hands and eliminate God's design for that creation of life.
There are several potential problems that could arise. First is the bonding that occurs between a mother and her unborn child. It's a biological and psychological fact that a strong and permanent bond takes place.
Second, Legally, in almost every state, the woman who gives birth is the legal mother unless they give the baby up for adoption.
Third, I believe that it devalues the woman carrying the child, as she could be seen as nothing more than a "host", an incubator. Since the women are friends that could either prevent OR add to that kind of attitude. Read more here
As a Christian who believes that God uses circumstances in our lives to draw us closer to Himself, I say that this couple is missing that opportunity. I, too, value adoption (I have 2 adopted sisters-in-law) and see that as a beautiful way to expand your family and share the love of a husband and wife. Think of the millions of unwanted children and the Life that this couple could share! They obviously have love to spread around, and the desire to have children is a special opportunity for adoption.
I strongly urge your friend to share the joy of life with this couple/ her friend, and open to doors of adoption. She can be as loving an supportive of them through that process and be as life-giving as if she were giving her own child to them.
Posted by: Kate T | January 17, 2008 10:12 PM
I am unsure the ultimate demonstrations of love is a child, outside of the Baby Jesus sent to the world.
A child isn't a present, nor a demonstration you give someone, even your very best friend. Please consider adoption. There are scores of babies already conceived that need a mother!
Posted by: Imajackson | January 17, 2008 10:36 PM
Barbara, I have to agree with you completely. As Christians, we have to trust in God's sovereign plan for our lives, including opening and closing the womb.
As a child who was adopted 54 years ago, I can look back and see how perfectly planned I was for my adoptive parents. My mom and dad were unable to have children and adopted me when I was six days old. My birth mother was 13 or 14 years of age.
I father passed away 14 years ago and my mom came to live with us that same week. She is now nearly 86 and suffering from dementia. I often look at her and think what might have become of her if she had not adopted me, a pro-life daughter with a large family and many great-grandchildren to love on her. God, in His perfect plan, chose adoption for our family. My parents and my birth mom trusted the situation to His care and how blessed we all have been.
There are so many children who belong in families, why not make that your first choice?
Karen
Posted by: thatmom | January 17, 2008 10:50 PM
In order to carry out this kind of operation doctors would undoubtedly create a number of embryos to implant. Most of them would be destroyed. There's no way to pursue this without killing people in their earliest form.
Posted by: Dean | January 18, 2008 5:03 AM
Let's not forget to consider the children of the surrogate mother. How would it feel to watch your mother carry a child, give birth and then give the child away to someone else?
Also, what is the advantage to this over adopting some other child? There is still no biological connection to the adoptive parents.
I wonder, too, how the husband of the surrogate mother feels about his wife carrying another man's child? And about his wife giving away her biological child?
And what if there are complications during the pregnancy that damage the woman's ability to function as wife and mother?
The myriad problems that will surely arise for everyone involved seem like they would outweigh any benefit.
Adoption of a child who desperately needs a family seems like a much wiser choice.
Posted by: Brenda on the S OR Coast | January 18, 2008 10:51 AM
That doesn't seem very fair to do to the child. In a perfect world wouldn't we all be conceived in love and marriage?
Posted by: paigeu | January 18, 2008 11:24 AM
Let's not forget problems that may also occur in the marriages. The writer does not indicate whether or not she is married. If she is not married, she needs to seriously think about the example she is setting (unwed mother), even though the pregnancy was not caused in the "usual" way. Additionally, she has three children already. I wonder what their thoughts will be watching Mommy carry a baby (but trying not to get attached, since it won't be their brother at home) and then giving that baby away?
If the woman IS married, than carrying another man's baby is a form of adultery. There are many, many more issues that also go with that. I'll assume she is not married.
However, the barren friend's marriage could also suffer. The husband will be ... not to be too graphic... expelling semen with the intention of impregnating another woman. Pregnancy is a very trying, and exciting time in a marriage; it is a very intimate time as well. Adding a third person in the mix could spell disaster for all of the relationships involved.
Additionally, the techniques used in IVF are morally reprehensible. Will her friend want the embryos screened prior to implantation (killing any deemed not perfect enough). What if there are too many babies - is selective abortion (killing the inconvenient ones) be used? What if there are complications in the pregnancy - even life threatening ones for the mother?
Actually, I just re-read the question... she would consider using donor sperm? Is her barren friend not even married, just wants a child? Single women can be great mothers, but the fact is, God designed us to have mothers AND fathers. They are not interchangeable, and if she is considering carrying a child for her single friend, that child would be at a disadvantage. God wants the best for us! We should not tamper with His design just to satisfy our own feelings.
A child is a gift from God, not a gift from your friend.
Posted by: Milehimama | January 18, 2008 12:37 PM
Amen to all that has been said. It is one thing to seek medical intervention in order to restore (or establish) fertility as God designed it. An example would be surgery to clear a blocked fallopian tube. (I do realize that such medical intervention is not always possible or successful.) It is another thing to create life using means other than that ordained by God: conception in the context of sex between husband and wife. For all reasons listed above, this is a minefield of heartbreak for all involved; God knows best. A child is not an entitlement, and not all means of conceiving a child are morally licit. If God has given a couple a heart for children, and their infertility cannot be medically corrected, then my advice, too, is to seek adoption.
Posted by: Marisa | January 18, 2008 1:56 PM
Although I think it's commendable that your friend wants to help, I agree with Barbara. There is something incredibly selfish about insisting that if you have children, they must have YOUR genes. This is not what parenting is about.
Posted by: Kristina | January 18, 2008 2:18 PM
There is a ministry called " snowflakes", I believe that gives the left over fertilized embryos of infertile couples to another couple. So it's like adopting an embryo and carrying it to term, then raising it. :) I like this idea......
In general, though the surrogacy thing makes me nervous. Too many " what if's" and I think bringing a 3rd person into the baby making process is unnatural. Adoption, however, was God's idea since we're all his adopted children.:)
There's a LOT of science out there doing all kinds of things. Microsort is a process that sorts sperm for a desired gender. It is not FDA approved, but will be soon........I suspect that things like this will become the "norm" someday........and I'm not sure what to think.
As a family that has'nt had a baby girl in many many generations, I can see the temptation of trying to sway the odds in this way....but it's still not something I feel comfortable doing.
Egg and sperm are life at conception, but I'm not sure what to think of scientific things that do not destroy life..........I tend to lean on the side of letting God do what he needs to do, to bring the people he needs into the world. :)
Adoption is very very nice........
Posted by: Lisa | January 18, 2008 3:40 PM
As a Christian who has experience with infertility I have a different perspective on this issue.
First off though, I would like to thank you Barbara for your blog! Not a day goes by that I don’t check in to get my mommylife fix. I consider myself one of the spiritual daughters you write about because of the many ways you have changed my whole family's life for the better.
A bit of my story: I have been pregnant 6 times sometimes with infertility drugs sometimes without. The four times I got pregnant without the drugs I miscarried and lost each of those babies. The two times I used the drugs my babies survived.
I remember discussing my ordeal with a “friend” from church and her comment was, “Well, I’m just glad my babies were not born using fertility drugs so that I could KNOW they were God’s will and not just me wanting a baby.”
The implication that my children are not God’s will because they were born using fertility drugs is unfortunately as wrong as it is common in the church. This opinion is usually formed through ignorance and quick judgment rather than research and thorough consideration, as even the Catholic Church has carefully approved many modern infertility drugs and treatments. (Excluding artificial insemination and in-vitro fertilization.)
I have often wondered why the same critics who believe modern medicine should not interfere with the creation of life, have no problem using it to prevent death to fight a disease like cancer. Most assume God has no problem using modern treatments and medication as answers to prayer, except for the disease of infertility. Of course they would never be accused of “playing God”.
Interestingly, I also get a lot of advice from my fertile Christian friends recommending herbal drugs rather than modern drugs. But my OB maintains that these are more dangerous because 1) They are often taken without the supervision of a doctor and 2) Their potency is not regulated by the FDA and varies from bottle to bottle.
I would love to adopt too someday! But the financial reality of adoption has made it impossible for us at this time. My infertility treatments cost a few thousand compared to an adoption which could be $20,000 +.
I will agree that IVF is a whole different thing that I don’t think it would ever be for me.
However, I do believe it can be done responsibly these days through limiting egg retrieval (more responsible/more expensive each time) and embryo freezing rather than destroying. I do understand the moral concerns some would find with this.
For me it would mostly be a financial issue. If I’m going to spend $15,000 on IVF with NO guarantee of a baby, why not spend $20,000 on adoption which is much more of a sure thing? The genetics never mattered to us.
After years of listening to my critics, I was recently taken back by the selflessness and compassion of a close friend who offered to be a surrogate for me and my husband upon hearing my story. She offered to carry a baby for us that would be 100% genetically ours. While we do not have any plans to take her up on this, it was by far the best, most loving and generous response I’ve ever had!
God has used my infertility to draw me closer and closer to Him. I treasure my children, my blessings even more; I believe I hug them tighter, kiss them more often, and protect them more ferociously. And I deeply respect the powerful truth that no matter what I do or don’t do it is only the Lord who has the miraculous power to give and save lives.
Posted by: Karis | January 19, 2008 7:58 PM
As a life long Christian (my father is a United Methodist minister and I have always known God in my life), as person who has suffered and is suffering from infertility, and as a person who is pro-life, I respectfully disagree with many of the comments on this post. I began writing my response to this question and it turned into a bit of a book so I posted it on my blog:
Posted by: Jen @ JenuineJen | January 20, 2008 1:34 PM
