February 23, 2008 12:32 PM
Motherhood and personality types
A rerun from July 2006. With all the new readers here, I though there are sure to be some who will find it interesting:
Sallie at A Gracious Home wrote a piece that got me thinking the other day - so I thought maybe you'd like to think along with me :)It's about the Personality Types and mothering style. Sallie had come across an article on this subject, which I've never heard anyone address, but often thought of myself. Hmm, which leads me to wonder why I didn't try writing it myself - oh, that's right, I have other things I'm working on. So many articles, so little time!
I'll start by saying right up front that I am an ENTJ, which seems a rarity among blogger/moms - and actually, though there are 16 personality types, ENTJ make up only 5% of the population. Which is a good thing, as you will soon see :).
You Are An ENTJ
The Executive
You are a natural leader - with confidence and strength that inspires others.
Driven to succeed, you are always looking for ways to gain, power, knowledge, and expertise.
Sometimes you aren't the most considerate person, especially to those who are a bit slow.
You are not easily intimidated - and you have a commanding, awe-inspiring presence.
You would make a great CEO, entrepreneur, or consultant.
What you need to know is that this is a personality type that leads to dictators. In fact, it is referred to as Field Marshal. Okay, I know that sounds bad, but I was fortunate to have a pretty yucky encounter in 1990 with a Christian cult leader who had the same personality type. Since then I've applied what I learned from that experience to an intense effort (because everything I do is intense) to root out the most negative aspects of my personality and to learn from other personality types - like my daughter Jasmine, who is opposite of me in many ways - to become a more balanced person. In other words, I have mellowed out considerably.
Still, I am an ENTJ, and my personality type/mothering style is described in the article Sallie read - which I found here - like this:
The Executive Mother (ENTJ): This mom organizes the needs and schedules of the whole family. Within her system, she provides her kids with direction and limits, but also gives them space to develop independence. A problem-solver, she listens to her kids' concerns and then strategizes with them about how to improve the situation — either by intervening on their behalf or letting them do it on their own. Stay-sane tip: You need to realistically examine — and then reject — the myth of the Supermom. Accept your vulnerabilities, and you'll enjoy parenting more.This is so absolutely true of me! Yet I know it is not true of other moms. My daughter Jasmine, for example (I use her because she is a good example :) has a completely different mothering style than I. I often wish I could be more cuddly and nurturing, but I figure God has different plans for different kids and so he needs different moms to get the job done.
Anyway, if you know your Myers-Briggs type, I'd love to hear if your type and mothering style lines up with you.
This Myers-Briggs stuff is not some far-out weirdness, but a really great tool for understanding your own strengths and weaknesses as well as those of other members of your family. In fact, while the test has its Christian critics, who seem to see it as akin to astrology - other Christians have drawn the connection between understanding your inborn nature and the Christian mandate to improve your character, becoming more balanced and conformed to Christ:
The Use of the Myers/Briggs Instrument in Sanctification of Life and Marriage Relationships.
Psychological Type and Christian FaithOur whole family has taken the test. The results have not surprised us, but affirmed what God had already shown us about ourselves. Interestingly, Ben (who studies opera) and Maddy (who wants to sing on Broadway) have personality types labeled The Entertainer. In our family (including Tripp, me, 12 kids, 2 sons in law and 10 grandkids (Hattie hadn't married Josh and wasn't here that day)) of those old enough to take the test only a few of us were introverts - which I guess is why our house is always so hectic and noisy.
It has also helped us learn to understand and respect each other without taking differences so personally. As I mentioned, Jasmine and I are almost complete opposite personality types. And while I was late to understand the pressure that put on our realtionship, I truly appreciate now how having a Field Marshal mom could threaten a daughter with a more gentle spirit. Jasmine has also come to enough understanding that she doesn't take our differences personally. We can laugh about some stuff that used to be painful - as when she told me recently how the last time we were at a play and I asked the woman behind us to take her screaming baby out, her stomach knotted up.
Do you see what I mean about how valuable a tool this can be for a mom - learning to understand her own personality and her husband's and her children's - and then asking God for wisdom and guidance in applying that understanding? My conversation with Jasmine was possible because we had some communication tools to help us through it. There's no superior or inferior when it comes to personality types - just God's different designs created for different purposes.
A more serious place to take the test is Human Metrics. And here is a site that offers a much more in-depth analysis of the Myers-Briggs, including portraits of children according to types, strengths and weaknesses and character issues: Lifexplore.
I know this is a lot of information, but I am curious to hear what you think!
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
Comments
I'm an INTP and boy does that fit me to the nth degree.
I love logic and I tend to live in my head a lot of the time. I can be very outgoing in group settings if I know the other people in the group, but I'm not one to just strike up a conversation with a random stranger. Being around others tends to wear me out, but after spending time alone I tend to be more energized.
I love cruising around the web to pick up new and interesting ideas to implement in my home. Case in point: making my own laundry soap. I learn so much from other women through the web!
I don't have any children yet, but I did like my mothering description as the "Love of Learning" mom. I'm very interested in homeschooling and I think that my personality would be a good fit for it.
Very cool stuff.
Posted by: Jennifer K. | February 23, 2008 2:32 PM
Great post (as always)...someone once told me, "when you're not walking in the Spirit, you are SO an ENTJ." Your post made me laugh to remember that convo and also that I can learn to be a sanctified ENTJ.
Posted by: Jay | February 23, 2008 3:44 PM
I'm a similar type to yours, but the introverted version. (Although I'm a kinda odd, outgoing introvert). I teeter between INTJ and INTP on all the tests I took in years past.
What a neat link. Fun to see the different types as they relate to mothering.
Posted by: Dell | February 23, 2008 3:55 PM
Once again, I was blessed by my little stroll to your garden! I am in the final countdown to my last day at work, and I'm terrified a bit. I have alienated my daughter at times (I want to see if there is a simplified version of the test for my 11 year old daughter to take), but hope that in addition to having this baby, I will regain a healthier relationship with the big sister too.
I was reading your blog about the silence of your daughter, Jasmine, and how you felt responsible because you had spent a period of time not communicating with your mother years ago. My own relationship with my mother has been stressed for years and I choose to live far, far away. She's great in small doses and when I get to control when I get the doses. And I fear that I am modeling for my daughter to do the same thing. I want so badly to reconnect with her before it's too late! (She was quite scarred by the divorce of her father and I, and further by his rejection of her after he remarried--I am blessed that she has begun to truly bond with her stepdad who accepts her completely!)
I think I'm going to use this as a topic on my own blog. Please pray for me as we make this huge transition!
Oh, and by the way, according to the longer test at humanmetrics.com, I am an INFJ. The shorter test had me as an INSJ but the description didn't hold as true to who I am most of the time. However, when reading about the mothering style, I could identify with both...so perhaps I'm somewhere in between.
Thanks again! Oh, and please share anything you have about transitioning back to SAHM after being a workplace mom...I'd appreciate that!
Posted by: Ceci | February 23, 2008 3:58 PM
Interesting. I'm much more familiar with Tim LaHaye's personality profiles (sanguine, choleric, melancholy, and phlegmatic). On this test at Humanmetrics, I was ESFP--the performer. I'm not sure how accurate that was, because I certainly don't feel like a performer, but as I learn more about what that means, perhaps it will hold true.
Posted by: Jessica | February 23, 2008 9:09 PM
I too am an ENTJ. Back in my working days 10+ years ago, I did the personality testing and was a red. Not sure of what the name of the test was. Since then, I've been drawn to understanding temperaments. There is a local (N. Virginia) Psychologist, Art Bennett, that along with his wife, Lorraine Bennett, has written a book. I HIGHLY recommend checking it out - The Temperament God Gave You: The Classic Key to Knowing Yourself, Getting Along with Others, and Growing Closer to the Lord. It has been a real eye-opener of a book in understanding myself and my relationships with my husband and children.
Posted by: Margaret | February 23, 2008 10:40 PM
ENFJ, here. Plus, the Parenting article on mothering styles couldn't have been more accurate. I do, indeed, fancy myself a "heart to heart mom" . . .to fault at times. My children are quite often weary of my need to talk to them, although I think God perfectly gifted me with the very children who need also to be engaged.
One thing that really hit home in the Parenting article was the "stay sane tip" for my personality type: "Use humor to temper your natural intensity. Harmony can be restored quickly if irritations are turned into family jokes."
SOOO often I find that lightening the mood is the way I compensate for my own. . .ahem. . ."intensity" (I really like the delicacy of that word so much better than over-emotional, ranting, nagging, interrogating, or smothering)! ;-)
Posted by: Fran | February 23, 2008 11:43 PM
What personality type are most mommy bloggers?
Posted by: Lisa | February 24, 2008 3:21 PM
I am an INFJ all the way. Understanding my personality has helped me understand why I do and feel what I do and has also helped me overcome the negative natural inclinations of my personality, like you said.
The article calls me a "know-thyself mother" -
Sensitive and family-focused, the INFJ mother encourages the unique potential of each child. Her aim is to help her kids develop a sense of identity, and she seeks a free exchange of feelings and thoughts to that end. In fact, she may value the mothering experience as a catalyst to her own personal growth. She is conscientious and intense, as well. Probably no one takes child-raising more seriously than the INFJ. She approaches it as a profession requiring her best self.
Stay-sane tip: Make time for yourself, try to live in the moment, and take life a little less seriously. Instead of trying to make life what it "should be," enjoy it for what it is.
I definitely do see mothering as a way for God to shape my character and help me grow. And I constantly think, "Okay, this is how life SHOULD BE! And here's my new system/schedule/plan for making it that way!" I should lighten up about that. : )
Posted by: Becky Miller | February 25, 2008 11:46 AM
Interesting to think about the connections. I had to take the Meyers-Briggs many times in college, and have taken it a couple of times since. I am always an INF (apparently just those 3 letters in combination is like 3% of the population, if I recall), with high scores for I and N, and much more moderate on F (still an analytical thinker here). The mystery is always the last letter, which depends on the weather or something! I'm either J or P, with a weak score of about 1% usally. Clearly, I have a love-hate relationship with structure, and that makes my mothering a little goofy, I'm sure.
I couldn't identify wholly with INFJ or INFP. I think you'd have to mix those 2 together and throw in pieces of some others, such as INTP.
One thing I did notice is that those include statements about needing long blocks of unstructured time and needing to take time for the life of the mind. I know that's part of the reason I struggle as a mom of four kids, with two pre-schoolers and a special needs student, homeschooling in a house that's too small for us with no people in our lives who can watch the kids! (Our one and only occasional babysitter got pregnant and has been subsumed by family turmoil, so she's no longer available... agh!) It's also the reason I find it hard to put myself to bed, even though I'm exhausted-- very late night is it for unstructured and solitary time.
Posted by: marian | February 25, 2008 12:49 PM
help, I am an absolute entj mommy. i have two boys that i feel so passionate about raising properly, but i feel a may be damaging their spirit with my so called intense personality.more like dominating bossy nagging. i also have two step children that i think don't know what hit them, as i have a very high level of expectations of those around me. My husband is wonderful but i do feel that i put unrealistic pressures on him just by simply being myself.
help , how can i balance these flaws. why do i feel like this personality type is such a bad one to be?????????
i'm am very spontaneous and fun loving also, which i know brings joy to my family.
Posted by: julie | January 27, 2009 1:08 PM
