February 25, 2008 12:27 PM
Question for introverted moms
Here's a question from Adele which I can't answer:
It's so interesting that you posted about personality types-- I've been thinking about them a lot lately. I actually have a question about temperament and big families: do you think that extroversion is a prerequisite of having a big family? I am definitely an introvert (INFJ), as in, I need some time alone in order to be a pleasant and functional person. I only have one baby right now, so that is still pretty easy to attain. Sometimes I wonder if I could handle the constant social interaction that a big family would require-- I love the idea of lots of kids, but I don't know if I could hold up under that social pressure!
One thing I've noticed - our family is dominated by extroverts and so it is hard for introverts. When Sophia explained to us why she needed to spend so much time in her room by herself - that she is an introvert - I finally "got" it and stopped taking it personally (Some of us extroverts are kinda hard to get through to :)
I've met big families where everyone seems like an introvert. At least they all seem much more quiet and serene and the house seems more quiet and serene.
So maybe if you're an introverted mom you end up with mostly introverted kids?
I understand what you mean though. I thrive on the busy schedule in our home. I can understand that it might be very unappealing to someone who needed more down time.
Posted in Big families, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
I also am an INFJ. I require lots of time "alone" to feel functional and fulfilled, and adjusting to motherhood with my twins has been difficult at times. I often feel selfish for the way I feel because while part me of truly loves the idea of more children and a bigger family, I don't know that that is my niche or calling in life. At least not something I come by naturally anyway. Thanks, Barbara, for that link. I really enjoyed researching my type, and it actually felt wonderful that the description pegged me so well. As only about 1 to 2% of the population, it feels nice to be "normal" for my type.
Posted by: Shanna | February 25, 2008 12:53 PM
I just mentioned something like this a moment ago in commenting on the personality-type post.
I think it can be tougher on an introverted mom, especially if you have a strong need to think a complete thought once in a while. Homeschooling makes it tougher. But I think a lot depends on circumstances. If you have the support (family, babysitters, husband's schedule, an out-of the way portion of your house,etc) you could make it a point to build that time in for yourself. Not having those is a major stress on me.
My guess is that introversion/extroversion is a lot like many things: heavily influenced by inborn nature, yet not completely untouched by nurture.
I'm an introvert, and my husband is an extrovert. Our bio kids: one introvert, one extrovert, one too hard to tell. Our adopted child: extreme extrovert (with excellent natural social skills beyond what a little person could ever simply be taught by her age!)
Ok. Yeah, now about those kids and their schooling needs, etc... Uh, oh... Yeah, my "quick" lunch break's way over...
Posted by: marian | February 25, 2008 1:01 PM
I am introverted. The greater majority of my children are extroverted. I have 8 of them, by the way. It was very, very hard when they were all little. At that point I instituted mandatory quiet time at our house after lunch. Not only does it need to be with everyone away from me, but also not HEAR anyone! I just need some quiet to read a book and have a cup of coffee. Now it is hard because we are running out of spaces for people to go where I can neither hear nor see them. It is a work in progress... we just keep adjusting to get me the quiet I need to function as a happy Mama.
Posted by: petersonclan | February 25, 2008 1:08 PM
Hi Barbara,
I was hoping you would come back to this someday! I am an INTJ who is homeschooling my four children. I would say that two of my kids are definitely introverts, one is definitely an extrovert and one I'm not totally sure.
It has been a struggle for me. One thing that has helped me a lot is to accept myself as an introvert and realize that God made me this way. He also has given me the children I have for a purpose. Although, to be honest, there are days when I ask Him why He thought it was a good idea to give me four children! (and two who can be rather loud to top it off...)
I try to carve out quiet for myself, and do get alone especially when I am starting to go a little batty. I do try not to use my introversion as an excuse, though. It is NOT a disease, regardless of what my very extroverted best friend may think. :-) She has spent a lot of time early in our friendship trying to "fix" me.
My dh is also an introvert. We enjoy spending quiet time together and find that less is more regarding outside activities. For now, that works well for us. We'll see how that works as our little extrovert gets older...she's three right now.
I am enjoying reading the other comments being left. It is nice to know I am not the only one!
Posted by: Christa | February 25, 2008 2:05 PM
From what I remember, the "introvert/extrovert" tendency has a lot to do with from where you draw your strength, or how you recharge. I am an introvert with high hopes of having a large family, and I LOVE having people around. Because of my personality I understand why I have to have "me time" in the quiet and away from people. I enjoy having a lot of people around and I'm very social, but I draw my strength from having that "in my room alone time" to recharge. I would think this would be true for most, although the amount of time may differ.
Why let a personality determine what you can and a can't do? Rather, I would be one to say that set your goals and know the desires of your heart. My husband's and my desire is to have a large family - we simply have to be realistic about what we each need in order to keep our sanity in the process. ...well, at least to keep some semblance of sanity?
Posted by: Kate | February 25, 2008 2:14 PM
Another introverted mom chiming in. My husband and I are both introverts, and so far, all of our children are introverts. However, that doesn't mean that things are quiet here. On the contrary, they are usually quite quiet outside the house, so feel compelled to blow off their steam at home!
As another mom mentioned, we have a mandatory one hour quiet time. Those who have outgrown the naps will read, listen to books on tape, color, work puzzles, or some other quiet activity for that hour. It helps me to recharge and make it through the rest of the day. But it is very difficult at times. :)
Posted by: Kelly | February 25, 2008 2:43 PM
I am an introvert with 6 children, the oldest being 10 and the youngest 9 months. When I was first having kids, it was almost crucial for me to get them on a schedule where the babies were both napping at the same time for some period of time in the afternoon so I could have it quiet to recharge. This has become less crucial for me as I have had more kids, and I guess gotten used to the noise and activity! I still do require a period of time in the afternoon where the older kids are either outside or down in the basement ("somewhere other than where I am", LOL), but it doesn't bother me too much anymore to have a baby crawling around!
My husband is wonderful about letting me go to the library myself in the evenings sometimes, or if I have some shopping to do. And when the kids are all down, I love to just sit in the quiet and read or do a crossword--definitely no TV! I don't want to hear anymore noise!
I have found that my own larger group of children doesn't stress me out so much, but I still have a harder time being around other big groups, so we don't have playdates all the time, and I don't always go to homeschool support groups, etc. In fact, I think I am happiest when we don't have to go out anywhere during our day!
This need of mine to recharge away from people was always a concern as we felt the Lord calling us to have more and more children. But He truly has been faithful--He really is the only one who can recharge me anyways! And our family is such a huge blessing in my life--we hope for more.
Also, my husband is definitely an extrovert, and 2 or 3 of my kids are as well. Two of them definitely are not, and I suspect the baby won't be as well. I think it's good for both types to grow up in a big family with mixed personality types--lots of opportunities for stretching! My quieter ones get pulled into activities because other siblings are involved, and louder siblings get tempered a bit by being mindful of their quieter siblings. It's good!
Posted by: Claire | February 25, 2008 3:07 PM
Hi Barbara,
I enjoyed reading the post this morning on personality types and motherhood. I am a Melancholy/Phlegmatic (a INTJ, I think?!?) and now have 2yo daughter, a 1yo daughter, and a 3rd due in June. For me, quiet time is necessary, but I've found there are days when God will wake me up in the early morning (like 4 AM) so that I can have quiet time to recharge. For me, sometimes this is more important than sleep and my heavenly Father helps me get what I need to stay sane. :-)
Posted by: Terri | February 25, 2008 3:46 PM
I am an INFP, and the mother of 10 children. I have found that it is essential that I get some quiet time every day and so we have always had a quiet time every day after lunch. As my children have gotten older, I have also implemented that the older ones must be downstairs (rec room area) in the evenings past 9pm as I need some down time before I go to bed and some time to read/learn just for me so that I feel whole and functioning.
BTW, I gave the personality test to my dh and children at home and found that my dh is an extrovert, my oldest ds an EXTREME extrovert and most of the other were also extroverts while only 3 were introverts. I find that the introverts have just each found their own quiet place and time to recharge within the family, and I think that unknowingly I have taught them how to do this along the way. It did take me a long time to recognize that I wasn't going to have that picture perfect family, but rather a loud crazy family of artsy children. However, it has been great since I chose to embrace who we are, hang on for the ride and carve out my own sanity space.
Another reader mentioned that it felt good not to feel weird anymore since she was normal within her personality type. I can tell you that felt the same for me as fell in a personality type that was less than 1%, but perfect for my dh :). It felt good not only to be considered "normal" but also to find that I perfectly balanced my dh, and he I ;). And then to tease him that there are probably 15 men to the one of me, that he was lucky to get me ;).
Posted by: Adelynn | February 25, 2008 4:10 PM
I also used to worry about this. I have instituted quiet time in the afternoons -- about 2 hrs. each afternoon when the older kids (5.5yo and 3.5yo) are in their room, making little enough noise that I don't feel the need to investigate. And it's a little harder right now, since I have a 4.5mo who, being still a baby, has a slightly unpredictable nap schedule -- sometimes he sleeps all the way through quiet time, sometimes he hardly naps at all; the days when he hardly naps at all are harder for me. But, it can be done, and as God gives more children, He also gives more grace to deal with them! I like to say that it's a job you grow into -- you're never really ready to be a parent, but you learn on the job; in the same way, you're never really ready to add another child to the ones you already have, but you learn how to make it work after the new little one's born. You'll have a different parenting style than a strong extrovert would, but there'll still be ways to make it work, and aspects of having a large family that bring great joy.
Newt
Posted by: Newt Sherwin | February 25, 2008 4:29 PM
Extroverts are stretched in a large family situation too. An extrovert mom who thrives on social interaction can become very lonely just being a mom and rarely socializing with friends. No matter what type you are, having a large family is a stretch for you as a person. It brings many sanctifying benefits because of it. You have to make adjustments to take care of your own needs, and you have to do a lot of adjusting in your ideas as to what are needs and what are wants.
Posted by: Marni | February 26, 2008 9:18 AM
I am an INFJ. The mothering styles and personality types article Barbara linked to says about this type: "She may value the mothering experience as a catalyst to her own personal growth. ... She approaches it as a profession requiring her best self."
I find that to be true of myself. I do see mothering as a way for God to shape my character. My husband and I desire to have a big family, and I recognize that there will be many challenges inherent in that undertaking, one of which will be keeping myself charged up with so many people around, which can be draining.
One thing that will help, I think, is that often introverts feel less drained around close family groups than they do around social groups/people they don't know as well. I have one daughter so far, and spending the time during the day with her is enjoyable for me. It's much less draining that I find hanging out with other people to be. However, I do have trouble thinking things through as much as I like to when my 16-month-old is running around! The constant interruptions make it hard to think. Nap time helps me recharge.
Sometimes I really do have to rely on other people to help me - pay my younger sister-in-law to come over to entertain my daughter while I try to focus on work (I work very part time from home for a pro-life organization), or ask my husband to watch her in the evenings so I can go somewhere quiet.
Taking a drive is really nice...I can have my daughter with me, but she is entertained by everything going by, so I have quiet time to think. I like the 20 minute drive to the Thursday mothers' group at church, for example!
I love Marni's comment...all of us will be stretched by mothering in different ways. Being analytical about it will really help us face the challenges and overcome them.
Posted by: Becky Miller | February 26, 2008 10:40 AM
Wow! So many awesome perspectives... It's great to hear from women who are in the middle of trying to make their personalities work with a big family. Sounds like mandatory quiet time is essential. I wonder if it's easier to find that quiet time when kids are in school/ homeschoolers are independent enough to work on their own?
Posted by: Adele | February 26, 2008 11:19 AM
It is absolutely amazing how God doesn't call the equipped, but he equips the called. I am still shaking my head at the things he's called me to do! I love all the perspectives here, too.
In some ways, I do think that homeschooling is a little easier on my introverted personality.....Yes, I have little people around me all the time, but we do quiet time just like many others here have mentioned.:) The great thing about homeschooling is that I don't have to volunteer in classrooms or drive carpools. If my kids were in school, I would feel like I had to be really involved, and it would really stretch me....My oldest is only 7, and I suspect that we'll get more involved in activities as the children get older....However, I have read Kevin Leman's book " Homecourt Advantage", which stresses the importance of home. We don't plan to "burn up the roads" with our minivan, but we'll be giving our kids a little more outside social opportunity as they age. :) This is when it will become a balancing act, that will require prayer. :)
Posted by: Lisa | February 26, 2008 6:59 PM
You just have to learn how to be a Really Good Hider.
Mama to three (6, 3, 1) who loses her mind at least once a day to the noise, oh the noise. Oh the noise, noise, noise, noise!
Posted by: Stretch Mark Mama | February 26, 2008 10:25 PM
I found you -- and this priceless post, with the priceless comments that assure me I'm not alone! -- via Amy Wellborn. I'm an INTJ with nine (eight between 19 and 9, plus a 5-year old postscript). After 12 years of homeschooling, I now teach 130 college kids per semester. It's much, much easier for me. At the end of a teaching day, I literally collapse in my desk chair...but a half-hour later, I'm ready to go home and engage my kids for the few hours until bedtime.
My husband and at least three of the kids are extroverts, so it's taken some effort to understand each other. I still remember our first encounter with my eldest daughter's introversion: she was five, and had a couple of little girls over to play. Right in the middle of a sentence, she interrupted herself to announce, "Okay, now go home." Then she went into her room and closed the door. My husband was aghast, but I understood: how many times had I longed -- do I still long! -- to do exactly that!
Posted by: Kalynne Pudner | March 7, 2008 11:17 AM
I am an introvert--INTJ. My husband is another introvert. I have one son, a toddler just about 2, and another on the way.
My son is a introvert. He's physical, he's loud, he loves sports, he's socially engaging, but he likes quiet time to recharge, and he pulls back when around a lot of other children, preferring to be by himself, self possessed and self engaged. He's friendly and willing to share, but I recognize that play by self part, and I indentify with it.
The activities we find to do with each other are not playdates with other kids, but they are places for him to grow and explore. Museums, train exhibits, places to do artwork, the park to play ball, etc.
What I've found, however, is that healthy introvertedness can go hand in hand with equipping your child with social skills. So as long as you are teaching him how to say hello, wave hands, be friendly, share, say thank you, take turns, then the introvertedness finds its own way. The problem happens when your own introvertedness leads you away from the social situations where you would model that social behavior for your child.
You don't have to suddenly be the life of the party or the social butterfly, but you do need to teach your child how to introduce themselves to kids on the playground, and you do that by introducing yourself to the other parents there.
So I make sure that once a week, we do something where I exercise my social skills, and do it with my son. It's tiring, and I factor that in to my plans, so that I don't feel the need to suddenly say "okay now go home" :) But that's where the balance comes in. Hard to maintain, of course, but worthwhile.
Posted by: Allison | March 8, 2008 12:15 AM
there's a great free resource at www.INFJ.com
Posted by: Rachel | March 17, 2008 2:39 AM
