February 6, 2008 1:36 PM
Reader: Turning into a psycho mom. . . help!!
This was the subject line on an email from a reader - who gave me her permission to publish. Since we've all had these days (sometimes weeks or months :) I think it's wonderful to face it honestly and use this as a place to encourage each other:
hi! i just found your website recently after your book "mommy manual" came up on an amazon search. (haven'tread any of your books but i would love to! love your site!)i have a 2 yr old boy with down syndrome (phoenix) and a 2 month old boy (rio). i recently moved to norway with my husband. i'm all alone (my hubby is at work, we live away from fam, and i have no friends yet) and the EI system sucks here and i just can't get any therapy for my son bc everyone says he's so advanced and there is a waiting list for everything here.
so i'm home alone with the 2 and i feel like i can't handle, not everyday. i'm a decent mom most of the time, but when i try to nurse the little one the oldest turns into the little devil and i give into sin and yell at him and spank him OUT OF ANGER. i have no idea what to do. i try to give him things to play with, like boxes, etc, while i'm nursing, but he goes straight to the stove and turns it on and stuff like that. and i react in anger. i'm afraid i'll hit him one of these days.
also, struggling bc newborn has to cry it out a lot, bc i don't have time to nurse and rock him down for his nap bc i have to entertain the 2 yr old.
how am i supposed to discipline this little, wonderful 2 year old. he's so curious and i love it, but he can't do everything he wants all the time. he hasn't understand no sometimes, especially when he's endangering himself, or the newborn.
on a less desparate note, do you recommend montessori for kids with ds? or do they need more direction, structure?
HOW DID YOU DO IT ALL???? and i only have 2....arg, depressed, frustrated, feel like everyone else can handle this except me. maybe this is how moses felt when god told him his plans for him....
thank you!
cortina
Hi Cortina -This is the one of the most difficult stages of motherhood. But please know that it is a stage and will pass. I would say for a little while, until you regain your balance, do by all means put on The Wiggles for Phoenix so you can relax and nurse his little brother without worry.
If you read my books or my blog for a while, you will find constant reassurances that all the people who write books to tell other mothers how to raise their children are very imperfect too, that we have our struggles and often fall short. Some let you know that and some don't :) If I thought that sharing my ideals would burden others, I'd never write another word. Ideals are for lifting you up, not weighing you down.
I am letting you know that my kids have watched The Wiggles. And though I write about the negatives of TV, I do use it to keep the natives calm here on an almost daily basis myself - I just limit the time and do try to get in days with no TV.
Please know that this stage will pass and soon those sweet boys will be playing with each other and being more independent in their entertainment needs. Rio will be pushing Phoenix from behind to reach his potential.. The best thing that ever happened for my Jonny was his sister Maddy who was born a year later. This may be God's way of compensating for the lack of help you are receiving in Norway.
You just had a baby two months ago. You need to relax and let yourself be on "vacation" from being perfect mom for a while. Play lots of music and sing with Phoenix. Music does wonders for keeping a house calm and children peaceful. If you aren't familiar with classical music, try some harp music - just go to Amazon and search for some. It is very relaxing and my children respond to it.
Also, sing with them. When my kids are being difficult, I start singing kids songs. Don't give in to the pull toward negativity that you will feel. As a mother you are doing the most important work in the world, and Satan would like to see you discouraged, depressed and ineffective.
I will post snippets of your email at my blog today so that we can pull in some more answers and encouragement. Let me know if you wish to be anonymous and whether I should omit the part about Norway.
love,
barbara
oh, tears. and a sigh of relief! so badly needed to hear so many of those things. thank you so much for taking the time to email me.i don't need to be anonymous and it doesn't matter to me if you omit the part about norway or not.
i sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart!
xo
cortina
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Comments
Your story could be mine! I, too, have a 2 year old and a 5 month old at home. I have the very same problems here. i thought of a few things that might help with nursing sessions. I bought a "Breast Friend" pillow that velcros on your waist. I bring my 2 yr old to the table and strap her in her seat to do "table activities" like playdoh, or coloring with erasable crayons, or eat a snack. Then I sit in the chair next to her and nurse my little one. That way I can be involved with my 2 year and pay attention to her while I nurse. Another thing I do is nurse at the couch with my 2 year old sitting next to me while I read a book. If you use a board book it's easier to hold it with one hand while your 2 year old sits beside you and listens.
-As for the stove the only thing I found I could do was take off the knobs completely so she couldn't turn it on. I also use the TV judiciously to help with my 2 year old when life is getting really hard and the baby needs rocking. Wiggles videos are great, for this, so is Blues Clues. I also have a rocking swing and it's the best invention for babies that need rocking when Mommy is about to go off the deep end.
You are not alone and this will get better.
Posted by: Imajackson | February 6, 2008 3:40 PM
Corina, I recommend safety locks to put on your stove. Get those and any other safety items you need to give you peace of mind! :) My children are close in age as yours are, and one thing that really helped was changing the nursing routine to welcome the toddler. We went in baby's room, closed the door, and in the dim light, baby would nurse as toddler kissed his head or helped fluff his blanket. When toddler felt included, it helped a lot. Have us all in one room with a closed door made it a safe time too. If your son doesn't want to sit in the dark with you as your nurse, you could create a little area in there for him with his favorite books and a little lamp for him to enjoy during nursing time. Maybe you could softly sing. I remember so well the early days of having 2 under 2 and trying to be fair to them both. Barbara is so right about how they will be laughing together in times ahead.
Posted by: Angela | February 6, 2008 4:07 PM
Hi! I can totally relate! My older daughter was 15 months old when #2 arrived and I had some of the same issues trying to keep her out of trouble while nursing/caring/even just holding my new one. Thanks to my mom (a mom to 8), I have several front baby carriers as well as slings. They were life-savers for me because on those really rough days, I could still keep my newborn close while chasing down the tiny energizer bunny that is my oldest. I'm expecting #3 this summer (when I will have a 2 1/2 yo and a 16 month old) so I know I will need them again.
Anyway, I hope you know you're not alone and that God will lead you to what will work best for your own little blessings.
Terri
Posted by: Terri | February 6, 2008 4:41 PM
I'm there with you! I have a 4.5 yr old, a 2 yr old and a 6 week old.
You need to make the house a safe house. Stove knob covers, doorknob covers, locks or gates, drawer latches, etc. If you can't make it a safe house, you need to gate the family room shut with baby gates and nurse while the room is gated. That'll take away your safety worries.
Secondly, if you read some of the sleep experts, they acknowledge that nursing/rocking a baby into deep sleep while you have a toddler at home is impossible most of the time. You can do one of two things. 1) let the baby sleep on you, by wearing the baby in a sling/carrier or 2) let the baby cry for 10 or so minutes to see if he goes to sleep. I've always chosen the latter one. I never let the baby cry for more than 10-15 minutes, and only when I know the baby is tired (ie, has been fed and changed and is yawning and rubbing eyes). But the days of rocking my firstborn into sleep with nothing else to do are long gone. If the baby doesn't get naps, the baby falls apart and life is miserable. So if you know your baby needs a nap and you just cannot rock/nurse him down and you need to let him cry for 10-15 min. to fall asleep, you are not doing harm. Two months old is not too young. PLEASE note that I am NOT talking about wailing for hours here. BTW, if you start young with letting the baby settle himself to sleep like this, you won't have to go through any long cry it outs at 4 or 6 months...the baby will already have the idea of going to sleep by himself.
Third, do give yourself a break. It takes 6 full months, I've found, for the family to settle down. Adding a new baby, moving...you'll need at least 6 months for everything to settle, maybe more if your son has ds. Just know it will get better and it will pass, you just have to lower your expectations of everyone right now.
I also second Barbara's suggestion of singing kids songs when angry. Many times I've diffused tense situations by singing Wheels on the Bus or Bingo or Itsy Bitsy Spider very LOUDLY. :)
Hang in there. It is really hard to transition from 1 to 2 kids. Every new baby adds a new tension that has to be worked out in the older child. Trust me--by summer time, things will look so much better.
Posted by: colicmommy | February 6, 2008 6:34 PM
Cortina,
All I have to say to you is that I have twins and I feel your pain. My patience is tested practically every minute. I like the Wiggles and musicals like Annie, The Music Man. Please know that you are not alone!
-Shannon in Texas
Posted by: Shannon Best | February 6, 2008 9:52 PM
Hi,
I am not writing with any superb ideas for nursing or safet concerns. Instead, I want to say you are doing great and keep on nursing.
I just wanted to say that i have been finding it hard with my children lately also. They seem to be getting into everything and then crying and whining (about seemingly everything) so much when i tell them no. SO, i have also yelled and spanked out of anger lately. I know my ATTITUDE is everything but we all sin. The most important thing i am learning is to apologize. Even to a two year old and one year old. Kids are never too young to be apologized too. My kids are 4, 2, 1, 1, and i am five months pregnant. On a funny note i nursed the twins until they were 1(they are two in april) and then my three year old (at the time) asked me why they drank my boobs and would try and pour his fake coffee or water into my shirt to fill them up again. My husband found it absolutely hilarious.
melissa
Posted by: Melissa | February 6, 2008 10:45 PM
God bless you. Mine are 23 months apart so I'm with ya sis. They're 2 1/2 and 4 1/2 now so those days seem far away now--can you believe it! :) Probably not at this point, right?
I don't have more advice. Everyone has given great ideas. Just don't be hard on yourself. Find what works for your little family and do it. You don't need to be a martyr--watch the Wiggles if that's what it takes. Every day gets a little easier and you'll find more balance.
Barbara is right about them being pals when they grow up. We're going to home school so no one's in daycare. They are best buds and play all day. Some days are hairy but mostly it's great. Baby girl told me the other day 'Bubba is my best friend.' Melt my heart! You'll be there soon, just hang in there.
Posted by: Alison | February 6, 2008 10:54 PM
Okay, part of what's going on here is the expat transition. I was totally depressed when I first moved to Switzerland and I didn't have any kids yet! It's hard to adjust to everything all at once. As a fellow expat mom I suggest finding out if there is an American Woman's Club near you, or an English Speaker's Club, or American Citizens Abroad. It's not only a place to start looking for friends but also a place to get advice from people who have been in Norway longer and might know the system, particularly good doctors, etc. If you google American Womans Club and the name of your town or city something should come up. Don't know where you are, but there is an Oslo club, for example. Even if you ultimately decide it's not for you, at the beginning it can be a real lifeline
Posted by: swissmiss | February 7, 2008 5:56 AM
wow - swissmiss! It's been ages since we've heard from you.
So glad you're still around to pick up this important piece of the puzzle.
This is why I throuw these questions out there. If we all put our heads (and prayers)together. . . .
Posted by: barbara | February 7, 2008 6:14 AM
And how about La Leche League? They offer nursing support, but also all other kinds of mothering support! They have lots of other Moms to talk to, books to borrow, and older Moms to comfort you. I just started myself knowing I'll need all of this soon with my second coming in May. I have already been giving some very helpful books that are positive, encouraging, and honest. It will help you to see you are not alone. Also, there are some fun games for free online that your son might like to play while you care for Baby. Try noggin.com, sproutonline.com or wordworld.com. You'll find games of all sorts, coloring etc
Posted by: Greta | February 7, 2008 12:58 PM
Dear Cortina,
I'm expecting my ninth, no twins. My eldest is 13, and my biggest space is 24 months, which I've done once. Barbara is right, it is very tough where you are with only little ones. I'd say, make sure you take care of yourself 1st of all. Try and sleep and nap with the kids, eat well, maybe read or watch something that'll make you laugh a little. Pray. Even if it's just for five minutes here and there. Maybe you could try and reward Phoenix for looking at books, coloring while you put the baby down. Also, a CD with headphones is good with kid music. He's probably still too little for stories. I like using a baby sling for my newborns. It might be a good idea to make a list of activities for Phoenix and put it somewhere where you can see it easily when you need it. It seems to me that when I'm upset or stretched thin, it's difficult to think straight. Then, you end up doing and saying things you could regret later. I'm praying for you, as I'm sure many of us are.
Posted by: Silvia | February 7, 2008 4:27 PM
Thanks for saying the hard things. Some days things (including myself) just seem out of control. My personal method for keeping myself calm is to repeat phrases, sometimes very loudly. Whatever I need for the situation: You are the most important thing I will do today! Children are my priority! My children won't always want to be where I am and do what I'm doing! etc. My personal favorite right now is, "THIS IS NOT A CRISIS". Hehe. Perspective always helps.
Posted by: Leilani | February 7, 2008 5:07 PM
Hi to you all!
I hope this doesn't sound too "new age" to you, but my recommendation is to watch out for your thoughts. Thoughts take a life of their own, positive or negative. When we are in a negative mood, if we dwell in it, everything else seems so dark and hopeless. "As a man thinketh, so is he".
I struggle a lot with negative thinking patterns, so I have to constantly keep track of my thoughts; if I let my mind run wild, seeing everything thru a dark glass, I end up frustrated, mad and a whole bunch of other negative emotions.
It is practically impossible to think positive, happy thoughts and be in a bad mood, so if your mood is not that good, check your thoughts. Then take a deep breath, meditate (just quiet yourself and repeat the word "God" or "Jesus" from the bottom of your heart) and CHOOSE to find something positive in the midst of your circumstances.
Then, with all your being, repeat out loud "THIS TOO SHALL PASS" as many times as it takes for yor to regain your cool.
Take care of yourself. Love yourself.
When you lose your temper with your kids, don't dwell in guilt and regret; hug them and kiss them and tell them you are sorry; tell them you will try really hard to react better next time and then move on. Walking around feeling guilty is only going to make you feel negative about yourself.
I admire your honesty in sharing your situation, but as other moms have already told you, you are not alone; many of us are or have been where you are and we understand you. We also believe in you. We know you can be the mother God created you to be; put your trust in Him and allow Him to work in your life.
Hugs for you and your little ones.
Posted by: LadyLovas | February 7, 2008 6:49 PM
THANK YOU so much everyone. I am so grateful for Barbara's website and for all YOUR encouragement. You have given me, most importantly, grace, and so many great tips. Thank you for taking the time out of YOUR BUSY DAYS to write to and pray for a complete stranger. AMEN! xoxo
Posted by: cortsa | February 8, 2008 8:11 AM
