February 3, 2008 5:42 PM
What about when playmates are mean?
From my inbox - and since I'm typing with my left hand and right forefinger and using the mouse with my left hand (now that's hard!), maybe you all can jump in with some wisdom here:
Hi Barbara,I have a question that I need a little wise advice about. I need advice on how/when/when not to let my children play with other children. This is definitely where I've found my parenting "feet of clay"! How much should I let my 3YO daughter come into contact with children who are mean, very overbearing, disobedient, etc. I especially take issue when her feelings are continually getting hurt (and rightly so) or she begins to adopt some of the bad attitudes/actions. And when she IS playing with kids of any sort, how much do you think is good to watch over her? And when I'm watching her play, is it helpful or not to encourage her to share, or to speak nicely, or other socially appropriate actions? Or should I just let her figure it out for herself? I'm searching for some guidelines, or some rules of thumb, or even a philosophy.
Any words of advice you have on the subject would be appreciated.
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This is a tricky subject. On the one hand, we want our children not to get hurt. On the other hand, we want them to learn to deal with other people, and we recognize that our own children are not always perfect angels themselves. On the third hand, we are sometimes nervous about offending the other parent, or inappropriately disciplining a child who is not our own.
I have usually tried to take a balanced approach, letting children solve their own conflicts when they seem to be able to do so, stepping in if they seem not to be able to solve things themselves and (as much as possible) stepping in by giving them tips on how best to resolve it, things they might say, etc. Of course, this is easier with my own children than when someone else's child is part of the conflict, but with slightly different phrasing, some of the same techniques can often be used. 3yo interactions are difficult because they are still learning, and often children this age view their toys somewhat as extensions of themselves. (Are we really so different? I get a little touchy when my husband starts moving stuff around on my desk. :) If a child doesn't want to share a specific toy, I'll often ask them what they can share with their guest; if my child is using mean or inappropriate language, I will correct them for that.
Of course, it gets a little harder when you're talking about someone else's child acting inappropriately. If the mother has left her child in my care, I generally have no problem imposing the same rules on the guest as I apply to my own children. The difficulty usually comes when the other child's mother is right there and does nothing to correct the child. I continue to hold my children to the standards they are familiar with; if they want to ask questions about why the other child doesn't have to meet those standards, I answer their questions as best I can by explaining that each mommy has to set the rules for her own child(ren).
Once or twice, I have been confronted with making the difficult decision to limit contact with a particular child. I remember one little girl who viewed slapping as an appropriate form of interaction. Her mother corrected her only by verbally telling her to be gentle, accompanied by a demonstration of gentleness -- a gentle stroke on her child's cheek or arm. This might be an appropriate response the first or second time, but after my children had been slapped a few times each, it was obvious that this child was not learning the lesson! I usually allow my children to play in a nearby room, as long as I can hear what's going on; with this girl, I made it a policy to be in the same room, usually within arm's reach so that I could grab her arm if it looked like she was about to hit. She soon stopped hitting when I was around. If this had not been effective, my next step would have been to stop allowing my children to play with her -- and yes, if the mom asked why, I would have explained. Not only was she hurting my children, but she was also teaching my son that it was OK to hit his sister -- a lesson that took me several weeks to counteract at home after each visit.
This is a tough area, and dealing with misbehaving playmates usually leads to hard decisions. I don't have a hard-and-fast rule, but I consider cases one at a time, taking into account lots of factors. Is the problem behavior frequent? Is the mom trying to teach the child not to do it? Is the mom doing so in an effective way that just needs more time to fully teach the child? Am I comfortable enough with the mom to discuss the problem with her? And, of course, it's not all-or-nothing; you can exercise different levels of supervision for different children, as needed, and there's any number of different ways to discuss (or not discuss) the situation with the other child's mother. Remember, too, that one day you may be the one with the problem child, and try to extend the sort of grace and understanding to the other mom that you would want for yourself if it were your child acting up.
Newt
Posted by: Newt Sherwin | February 3, 2008 11:31 PM
Can I add to the question?
What if the child isn't "actively" misbehaving (yet)?
We have a neighbor my kids can talk to through the fence and I already have had a couple of things to "explain" as a result (one was the difference between a point of protestant and Mormon theology, which I was *really* hoping to wait on), and one was a new word.
They played together frequently as toddlers, and expect it now, but especially as they get older my mommy-instinct alarms are ringing louder.
Any ideas for minimizing interaction without badmouthing (or locking them inside all summer)?
Posted by: Amy Jane (Untangling Tales) | February 4, 2008 5:35 PM
