February 23, 2008 9:39 AM
When a child balks at work
Dear Barbara -What do you suggest for a preschooler (disabled or not, mine isn't) who balks at suggestions to work? Should I just wait for those times when she shows interest and make the most of that, or can I hold her to the expectation of regular (small, age-appropriate) chores whether she is in the mood or not? From everything to chores (like putting toys away with me at night), to potty-training, to sitting down to do some Montessori work, my normally chipper, cheerful daughter often balks, dawdles, or refuses to cooperate when I make a suggestion that she do something. This happens even when I give her a choice of activity. I am afraid to push the issue, lest I squash her little spirit. I don't want the chores or her learning activities to be void of joy. When all else fails, should I MAKE her do want I want? I am finding it hard to know where to strike the balance between allowing her to be a little child and holding her to healthy standards that encourage her growth and development.
Thanks,
K
Dear K-
I do think children need to understand from the very beginning that there are some things we have to do regardless of our feelings. I have found that giving my kids a visual prompt (a little special ed lingo) - a list - works wonders as my voice stops telling them what to do and they take control by reading and checking off their work.
For a child too young to read, you can do this by coming up with list which uses picture symbols, then teaching her how to read the symbols and to paste a star or other sticker next to it when she has done it.
You can also use First/Then kind of sequencing. First we you clean up your room and then we read a story. This can also be printed with picture symbols. While I've always taught the First/Then strategy for building a work ethic in kids, the new take for me has been translating it into a visual for my sons with Down syndrome to help them understand the sequence of work/reward. This is kinda like the process where sign language - which at first was used with special needs kids - suddenly appeared as Baby Sign books for the general population. In dealing with my special needs kids I've learned that some of these practices used by professionals in the classroom to help kids understand can also be used with toddlers and preschoolers.
You're so right in seeing the need for striking a balance. But when a child is not headed toward a healthy outcome, we have to keep looking for new strategies. So important, too, to remain upbeat and positive and try not to get locked in power struggles.
Reward systems can include stickers for positive behavior which may add up to a special treat. While some people don't like this approach, this is the way most people function as adults - they do get rewards/paychecks/report cards/degrees for their work. So there is nothing wrong with appealing to the child's need for reward/affirmation to lead him or her in a healthy direction.
Will post for more comments.
Posted in Homeschooling, Montessori, Mothering, Preschoolers | Permalink
Comments
My daughter is starting to balk at things, too. Anything that isn't her idea can be something to throw a fit about. I have been using the 1st/Then strategy and we also sign a lot. These both help, but I like your idea of the visuals. I'll have to think about that to come up with a good way to apply it to my 21 month old.
Holly@HollyTriedIt
Posted by: Holly | February 23, 2008 9:28 PM
In our house we have paying chores and non-paying chores. The non-paying chores are things that are required of our kids just because they're part of the family. Things like cleaning up their rooms, putting away clean dishes or folding towels, etc. The paying chores are things like washing windows, cleaning and organizing a cupboard, feeding the animals, and filling bird feeders. These are chosen by us to be extra chores, thus for pay. Others might have different-looking lists. We started out paying $.25 per chore when they were really little (we made the chores age-appropriate), then we bumped it up to $.50 per chore, or whatever we felt it was worth. Now we pay even more. It just depends on our gut instinct of what is enough for our children to be motivated.
When our kids were around the age of 4, we started expecting them to help. I know some start earlier. This is just our choice. We would tell them that everyone in the family helps. That the family needs their help to run well. They seemed to like feeling important to the welfare of the family. We also pointed out to them how we help them to be happier and healthier by doing the work we do (like keeping them in clean clothes and dishes).
We started them off with folding just the washcloths. Then we worked them up to the face towels, then to bath towels once they were big enough to handle them. We put up with things being sloppy for awhile as they were getting used to doing the chores; and on their own, they improved the quality of their work (well, with a leetle prodding!). As far as the dishes, we gave them just the silverware, at first, because it was safest and the drawer was reachable, even with a stool. We had them wash the lower parts of the windows with disposable window cleaner sheets, or we sprayed the paper towels for them - that sort of thing. We gave them a Swiffer dusting thingy and sent them off to dust to their hearts' content.
I know you are having trouble with motivating your daughter. We still have that issue with our girls, even though they're older. A timer has helped them keep on task. They lose privileges if they take longer than the timer allows (we give them a generous, but not too generous amount of time - this is up to the individual parent since every child, even within a family, is different in skill level).
Parenting is a hard, hard job, sometimes. God didn't give mothers our intuition for nothing! lol We need to be in tune with our children's needs and abilities. Pray and listen to what God says to you about your own child. He will lead you to the best thing for her. Our ideas are just that - ideas. Take what you like. Leave the rest. I hope I've given you some good ideas. God bless you as you learn this mothering thang!
Posted by: Kim | February 24, 2008 3:53 PM
