February 11, 2008 1:21 PM
Your input needed: preschool aggression
My son will be 4 in October and is having a lot of problems at his 2 day a week preschool. He has never been unusually aggressive before but now he is hitting and trying to bite kids at school.He has only been at the school for one month and it seems everyday there is something. I think he is trying to feel out the social order there but he is attacking kids that were playing with him. I am role playing at home with him what that behavior feels like and we talk every morning (before school) about the rules for school and what nice behavior is but I am feeling so frustrated.
He goes to Sunday school and has no problems. He has played with kids his age since he was 9 months old and this is so new to me. We have never encouraged overly strong rough housing and we don't spank him (we use Fay's Love and Logic). DO you have any advice on how to reach him. I understand that he will rough house and play the monster/chase games but how do I communicate to him outside of what I am already doing?
I'm going to turn this one over to readers because I'm sure there is a lot of experience and wisdom out there to draw from.
My first thought is that your son is showing you he is not ready for this new challenge. Play dates under your supervision and - probably - Sunday school are smaller, less challenging situations. Your son may be feeling abandoned when you drop him off at preschool. Remember that children have no language for their emotions to communicate with others or to understand the powerful feelings that threaten to overwhelm them.
New situations can be very scary - with extra layers of fear due to this lack of language/understanding.
Also, are there any other new situations going on in your home: new baby? move? daddy home less than usual? Any of these may contribute to your son's insecurity.
It's been four days since you wrote me (sorry about that), so things may have settled down a bit already. That doesn't necessarily mean that the feelings aren't still an issue.
If preschool is not necessary right now, you might want to wait until next fall - give him a little more time to mature and be sure to apend a lot of time preparing him before enrolling him next time.
If you do continue, please be aware that biting cannot/should not be tolerated. I have been on all sides of this situation - as a teacher and as a mother; as mother of a child who bites and mother of a child who is bitten. Biting is dangerous and completely unacceptable. It is one thing for which I use physical discipline (as a mom, I couldn't as a teacher - but I did have to have a child expelled for biting) - which brings it under control immediately.
That said, we need to understand what is causing the biting and deal with that as well. Don't forget to pray - not so much to get rid of the behavior as that you would understand what is causing it. This will be a growing experience for your son and for you.
Please let us know how things work out. We'll be praying too.
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Comments
I had a similar situation happen to me this year when I sent my son to preschool too. (I wrote to Barbara via e-mail about this too!) He went last year and was disruptive in his 2 day a week class (transition times were bad, some hitting, etc..) We thought it was immaturity. This year same story although he was past the hitting phase and now into the "word" phase. By that I mean using what I consider "bad" words at school (stupid, idiot....calling kids AND teachers these names!!). I was horrified as at home he is not like this. After a month I took him out. I was 9 months pregnant at the time and didn't need the stress. I have taught him at home since October one on one and he is fine. Since the baby came in November I did hire a university grad student to help me with him 3 mornings a week. She is getting her masters in early childhood development and has really creative ways to teach him. This is in addition to my teaching him too. (teaching letters, phonics, spelling and some early reading/word recognition). He is a challenge for my student helper behavior-wise but she is determined to help me!! Like you, my son is great in other areas with other kids (library, playgrounds, book stores, toy stores, etc...) The school situation just really set him off and overstimulated him. My pediatrician thinks he may have ADHD although she is reluctant to say absolutely since he is only 4. The psychologist we saw wasn't so sure of that and encouraged us to get him in as many situations as possible where other adults are in charge to see how he does. She stressed that these kids need lots of energy outlets. We are looking into a martial arts class for preschoolers and also gymnastics. Soccer was a disaster for him....he doesn't get the team thing at all.
So I don't have any solutions for you just that I am in the same boat. Waiting and hoping he outgrows this awful phase and learns to get along at school! It is hugely frustrating and I pray every day he will get better. The good days I think are starting to outweigh the bad ones!
Posted by: Susan | February 11, 2008 6:52 PM
If he is only showing this aggression in one particular setting, perhaps a look at that setting might be in order. Is it too unstructured, and your little guy needs more order? Is he playing with older kids and feels overwhelmed physically, or is he the biggest kid in the group and trying out "might makes right"? Is he going far away as he can from teachers before rough housing, tyring to escape adult supervision? Does he get along well with the teacher? One of my kids would act out on the playground because he felt his teacher picked on him/had a personality conflict. He couldn't take the teacher on, so he vented his frustration on the playground.
If there are no problems there, work with the teacher to provide faster intervention. At the first sign of aggression, she could stop him and give him a breather and reminder - if she sees him getting worked up she could stop it, take him aside, and encourage more ordered behavior before he gets to the trying to bite stage. This will also help him recognize the early warning signs of his own temperament.
My oldest is still very aggressive, and has been diagnosed with a mood disorder, but he exhibits that behavior all the time - NOT just in one setting.
HTH!
Posted by: Milehimama | February 12, 2008 8:05 AM
My soon to be 5 year old had the same issues at his last school. He is at a different school this year and is the darling of both the teachers and his fellow students. At his former school he would hit, cry, refuse to participate, you name it. The school treated it purely as a disciplinary issue and actually suspended him on his 4th birthday (the head of the early child program screaming at me in the hall in front of 30+ other mothers that he was out until she and I had a conference - very professional place). It was a pre-school attached to an elementary/middle school, and what worked for the older kids tended to get filtered down to the little ones. Big mistake.
So I pulled him out, we went to an OT who diagnosed him with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), we did therapy, spent 6 months at home (I was home schooling his 7 year old brother at the time anyway), he got a little older, and 90% of it disappeared.
I would recommend checking out The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Processing Disorder. See if anything in there sounds like your little one, and, if it does, there are lots of things in the book that can help you cope. If the school won't help, pull him out and find a different one - they either get it or they don't, in my experience. Using this book you can do a lot at home to help him, and you can learn to recognize the environments/behaviors that trigger stress in your child. If you wind up with an OT, that's awesome too.
Not necessary to know, but what happened with my son: the classroom was tiny, loud, and had too many kids. Because of his SPD: (1) he had issues with people brushing against him (made him feel pain and not light touch, then he would hit, thinking he'd been hit first), (2) the noise made him shut down to the point he couldn't hear the teacher - literally, the messages weren't going through to his brain - so he looked like he was disobedient when he just couldn't hear, and (3) when his behavior frightened the other children and brought discipline he didn't understand, his self-esteem went to the basement - he had no friends, the teachers didn't like him - and he knew it.
You will get through this. I know my son so much better now, and he and I are so much closer because I walked along side him through all of that. That will happen with you, too.
Posted by: Tari | February 12, 2008 12:51 PM
oh gosh...when i checked in with you (blog) today i was thrown back into my life just a few short months ago. in our new town (we moved to the south in july) there is this wonderful childcare/preschool concept called Parents Day Out! (never heard of such a thing in the north) i was eager to place our soon to be three year old into a twice a week class. he began in August and i would say by October he was fully engaged in some 'bad' behavior. He was hitting and forceably taking toys away from other children. he was finding himself on the time out bench each time he went to school. i had the full support of the teachers while we delt with this situation. It was frustrating though. Each time we would pick him up we held our breath as we looked in the teachers eyes as we entered the room. some days were better than others...but the hitting behaviour would continue. we tried taking away precious toys but i am a firm believer in making a big deal about good behaviour SO....i went to Kmart and picked up several Thomas Train friends that i know our son covets. We went to school (i cleared with teachers first) he and i handed the bag of trains to the teachers and explained that he would get to choose a train when he has a day that he doesn't hit anyone. I liked putting the teachers 'in charge' of this because it truly linked the behaviour to the classroom NOT me as a parent. it took several days....LONG days but when that first day came OH Man was he excited. It was like it 'clicked' in his head. we all made a big deal over it - teachers, mommy, daddy and big sibs. from there we worked our way through the bag of trains and when they were gone...we just no longer made a big deal out of the hit free day...it became a true expectation of him.
i'm not expert, i'm a mother of four only one of which is a male. he surprises me everyday....and he constantly challenges my parenting skills.
good luck and keep looking for alternatives...don't give up....gather all the opinions and facts you can..but in the end you must decern excactly what will work best for you and your son!
Posted by: sheri | February 12, 2008 12:59 PM
This is not meant to be a thorough response to your question/problem, but let me make a suggestion regarding the biting...
I too had a biter (11 years old now, so long past the biting!). Like Barbara, I believe that behavior needs to be quickly stopped. If you are unwilling to spank your son for this (or at all?), try Tabasco!
The old routine of putting soap in a child's mouth, I am told, is considered child abuse (because it is a non-food substance).
When my son bit, I quickly put my finger over the top of the tabasco bottle and gave it a shake, which left just a little drop on the end of my finger. I would have him open his mouth and I would rub it on his tongue.
You may think that's horribly cruel (?) but I disagree. (Though he may never like spicy food!) The Tabasco caused him immediate discomfort, but no injury, and it linked the consequence with the offense - at his mouth. (Yes, I know, the deeper issue is in his heart, but at the toddler level, we dealt with his mouth.)
Posted by: Julie | February 13, 2008 11:08 AM
The biting issue needs to be addressed specifically but I would certainly start with changing schools. It seems to me that if a child is acting out at school than he/she isn't attending the right school. Maybe you can find a better fit where he is happier.
Posted by: Debbie | February 13, 2008 2:11 PM
