March 24, 2008 9:20 AM
Children in the arts - balancing home and instruction - your input, please
I have been blessed by much of your blog over the past year. I have a question.
My 8 yr.old daughter has been taking ballet for two years now. It turns out that she is incredibly gifted in ballet! She is in an excellent program only 5 minutes from home. She dances 2 evenings a week, but only misses dinner with us one evening.She was chosen for a small part in Peter and the Wolf so she is practicing some Saturdays now as well. Her teacher just gave us info on what she is calling 'Summer Intensive". IT is 4 weeks, M-Th from 4-8 pm! They also have a another week where they can attend an away camp for 5 days with the PA Ballet.
We are so proud of our daughter, of course. However, she is only 8! And we want to be sure that our priorities and hers are correct.
I am asking your opinion as I know you understand family, homeschooling, and having talented artistic children.
We are not going to allow her to go to the away camp for the week. We feel she is too young to be away from home and our protection for that long. I can not attend with her as I have 3 other children - one being an infant and my husband must work that week.
I am on the fence about the Summer Intensive. It is just that - intensive. No dinner 4 nights in a row for four weeks?! She is only eight. Also, we want her with us as a part of our family. Family meal time is important. How do we find balance in that?
Her teacher has said that if she does not participate in the summer intensive, she'll have to go back to the lower level next year as the current group will be much further ahead of her. That would be sad and frustrating for her.
There are other dance schools, but they also stress modern, hip-hop, etc... and the music and costumes are quite immodest and too old for little girls. This school is strictly ballet and quite conservative.
Any advice on how to balance this?
Benita
Dear Benita -I think you are so wise not to allow her to go away. Lots of conscientious parents start making bad decisions when their child shows artistic promise.
You have shared a lot of reasons why you want her to stay with this program - I especially sympathize with the one about the other programs having sketchy dance material. That's always a hazard in dance.
I don't know about other people's schedules, but it might be possible for you to have your "dinner" at 2 or 3 in the afternoon, and then a light snack after ballet is over - so that the family can still sit down together. It is a gesture of support from the whole family. We have played around with dinner times in our home to accommodate individual schedules.
But you must be guided by the Holy Spirit because there's not one answer that fits all people. Be aware that the instructor is earning her living at this and has a vested interest in wanting you to sign up. Make sure you are not manipulated - through fear of losing out next year - into something that isn't good after all.
But if you feel okay about it, and are led by the Holy Spirit to proceed, then I don't think it would be a bad idea to be flexible and for that period of time let the schedule revolve around your daughter.
Let me know how things work out - and whether you'd like me to post this for other input.
love,
barbara
Benita did want to get your input. Any thoughts or experiences to share?
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Comments
Benita,
I love your heart - to protect your kids and to honor your family. It's a hard balance to follow their interests and skills and still preserve your family first.
Barbara has great advice about adjusting your meal time for a few days. We have three boys who love to play soccer. With volunteer coaches, the practices all tend to be in the evenings... right at dinner time, four nights a week! So, we make lunch our big, family meal of the day during soccer season. It doesn't last long (the season), and we go to the games together, and cheer for each other, and make it a family activity.
Like you, I would not send my kids to "away" camp at age eight, but the Summer Intensive sounds like a good opportunity. Does she want to go? Is she mature enough for the increased hours? A four day program (pretty minor impact on your family, long-term!) seems like a good way for her to experience a more rigorous schedule.
Julie
Posted by: Julie | March 24, 2008 12:01 PM
Prayer is vital here. But here are a couple of things to consider, too:
Have you talked to your daughter about it? Is she dying to go, or reluctant? If she longs to go, ask her why. Is it just because her friends will be there? Or because she wants to please her teacher? Or does she really want to improve her dance skills? If she's reluctant or wants to go for non-educational reasons, I would certainly keep her home.
Also, how serious is your daughter about her ballet? Is she truly gifted, or does the teacher say that to many students? Does your daughter dream of dancing professionally? If she wants to be a pro, then you should strongly consider letting her extend her ballet lessons. Most ballet dancers start very young. Eight is not too young an age to start training in a serious fashion. (Although, as you clearly already understand, everything should be kept in perspective and too much of a focus on any one activity - except spiritual life - isn't a good thing.)
Hope this helps a little.
Posted by: Kristina | March 24, 2008 12:28 PM
Her teacher has said that if she does not participate in the summer intensive, she'll have to go back to the lower level next year as the current group will be much further ahead of her. That would be sad and frustrating for her.
WOW- is this fairly typical? I am hearing that sports have turned into a much bigger deal, and are much more time consuming than they used to be......Just wondering if this is typical.....
Posted by: Lisa | March 24, 2008 1:14 PM
Benita,
I also have an 8 year old and an 11 year old in the Dancers in Training program here at Lake Norman, NC. In my humble opinion don't do it. Your daughter is just too young. She will most likely end up tired, frustrated and burned out. I also spoke with our dance instructor who has over 200 hundred students in just her 3rd year of having her own studio, and she says she can't fathom someone that young being ready for those kind of hours. Have you ever considered that if she is pushed to practice too much she may lose her love of dance? She's just too young!
Posted by: Donna | March 24, 2008 3:27 PM
I agree with some of the comments before mine; definitely take your daughter's opinion into consideration. If she is eager to go, then I would seriously consider it.
I have 2 boys - my older one is 8. He has been fencing for 1.5 years and it has grown more time-consuming as he gets more involved. It is 12 months a year, and can be 4 days a week (2 hours a practice). We compromise by skipping Friday night practice - the one night my husband definitely makes it home for dinner and we celebrate by going out to eat. Other nights the boys and I eat early and then we drop him off; his dad is usually done work in time to pick him up.
This summer will mean 2 intensive camps: 5 days, 6 hours a day, and 6 days, 7 hours a day. The latter will be with the French national team as well as US fencers. He will go to both camps - he is thrilled he was asked, and can't wait to watch and learn from the older fencers, as well from the additional coaches who will attend.
However, as much as he practices, we are pulling back on competition until he is older. He goes to the Y8 meets his team hosts, but he does not travel, fence Y10, etc. We - including his coaches - do NOT want to push the competitive part of fencing on him. We want to wait to see what develops inside him - to see how much this means to him and how competitive he wants to be about it. Right now he LOVES fencing; his friends are there, the salle feels like a second home (it's run by a family, and they work at that atmosphere), and he is learning and improving.
I am thrilled that he has consistently chosen this activity over others - we've presented him with a choice several times (i.e, "soccer or fencing but not both") and he always votes for fencing. He is making this his own, and I love that. I also love the discipline it teaches him, and the (healthy) pride he gets from working hard and seeing results.
Posted by: Tari | March 24, 2008 9:18 PM
I second the idea to pray and ask God for clarity. If you don't have peace about it, don't do it. What does your husband think? It is important to be sensitive to what your daughter wants, but you are wise as parents to know what is best for her and your family.
Also think about where this is going. Does she (and do you) want to become professional? Or is this just a fun thing to do? If it is this intense at age 8, what can you expect next year and the years to follow? My niece has been in ballet for several years, and it controls the family schedule more with each passing year. At 6 years old, last winter, she spent the season in practice as part of The Nutcracker. The family was excited, but their Christmas season revolved around it. Even now, they cannot travel on weekends due to ballet, and are no longer able to join in for family birthday parties. When we visit, ballet takes up most of the time we would have had together. So even though she's my niece, her ballet affects us all. I would not want this for my family.
Posted by: Angela | March 24, 2008 11:22 PM
i have a similar situation with my son. He has the opportunity to take a baseball class from noon to 4 every day for a week. I am thinking I'll take the other boys (I have three and this is my middle one) we'll play games of their choice and we'll also watch my son play. Could you go watch the practice one or two days a week? Maybe that'll make you more comfortable. I like to have my children in my sights for as long as possible. they grow up qay too fast!
Posted by: janet | March 25, 2008 12:03 AM
I have been a ballet dancer and teacher for many years. I have continued to perform until 3 years ago when we moved away from PA, so I am familiar with everything you are talking about including the PA Ballet camps. It is exciting for a teacher to have an exceptional student who is gifted. This particular teacher however, in her excitement over your daughter's potential, has crossed the line. She is trying to pressure you into allowing your daughter into the Summer Intensive program with threats that are, frankly, untrue and unfair. It is a shame that she threatened to hold her back, and if she was serious about that, and had the power to enforce it, then sadly, she is not the best teacher for your daughter. Your daughter would likely have extra work to do when the year stars back up in order to be at the same level, but she should never be held back. You might want to set up an appointment with the Director of this ballet school to discuss the ultimatum given to your daughter. That being said, I can see no problem with an 8 year old participating in that type of program for 4 days per week, for 4 weeks. Is she on pointe? People might not realize that it is not unusual for even 8 year olds to have 2 hour ballet classes twice a week. 2 Hour ballet classes often seem short, so a 4 hour ballet class simply accomplishes more focus,stamina and technique. Ballet develops so many wonderful things in students such as: concentration, appreciation of classical music, respect for authority figures, respect for tradition, submission to appropriate dress and behavior in addition to all of the grace, beauty, strength and flexibility etc... Of course, I agree with Barbara when she explains how you could be flexible with dinners and still include the family. It would mean so much to a little girl to have that kind of support with her dream. Which, of course, brings us to the second most important question (the first being what does God tell YOUR OWN HEART about all of this): what does your daughter want? Is ballet her passion and dream? Is she feeling pressured by the teacher or friends to find it important, but it's not in her heart? Of course, it would be wrong to allow her to go for any reason if her heart isn't in it. Finally, I really don't think any dance schools stress other dances, as in, put pressure on students to participate in them. All reputable schools require ballet as THE foundation to any other dance. Sadly, most girls are more interested in jazz, and hip-hop etc because of the music and costumes, which are absolutely inappropriate. Many schools also offer other good choices such as Irish Step, Lyrical and some even Liturgical Dance.
Posted by: Greta | March 25, 2008 12:42 AM
Another thing to consider, Benita, is the body image your daughter might be getting from these ballet classes. A slender figure is definitely encouraged and I wouldn't be surprised that this is brought up at these "intensives". Instructors do not generally "encourage" eating disorders, of course, but young minds can perceive this pressure to be thin in very extreme ways and this can lead to lots of medical and mental problems.
Of course, ballet can also encourage a healthy lifestyle and keep your daughter in amazing shape. But you have to be sure that you really trust her instructor and talk with your daughter a lot about what is said in and out of class with the other dancers and instructors. It's just something to keep in mind.
Posted by: Corinna | March 25, 2008 2:17 AM
Benita,
As a mother of a talented "sports" girl, let me just say that the world of sports and dance (we have been in both) can be cruel and mean-spirited, and for every star, there are thousands of girls who are every bit as talented, but didn't make the final cut.
1. I would recommend much prayer and total agreement between mother and father about everything the child is doing. Family life should not revolve around the talented child. Do not put other family activities on hold. Set up a budget, and stick to it. Do not blow next month's grocery money for lessons, outfits, or travel expenses.
2. I would keep schoolwork the #1 priority in a child's life, not sports or dance. Most athletic kids will peak at age 20 or 21, so keep them developing, but be low-key until this age. 99% of talented kids will have to fall back on their education, because they won't make the final cut.
3. This will sound extreme, but I would never leave a child under 16 alone at camp/practice/rehearsal for more than an hour. Volunteer to be a backstage mom, camp cook, sports booster, bus driver, dorm room monitor, whatever it takes to filter everything your child is exposed to. (BTW, I have been all these things and more.) You would not believe the stupid things dance camp/sports camp coaches do and say in front of impressionable children. The same thing goes for the other children at camp. They seem to be nice, but will say or do anything to play head games with other campers. Very passive-aggressive. Everyone is "the competition", and the way to the top is to destroy/humiliate/embarrass the competition, so they go home crying and give up altogether.
Here's what happened to my daughter:
Strong dance background, tries out for a sport at 10 yrs. old. Excels and improves. Goes to several sport camps with team members. (I become a chaperone, going wherever the team goes. See #3 above.)
The team works hard for 4 years, and earns 2nd place at the state meet. Excitement grows! The young girls are talented and hardworking, and coaches at the national level notice them. This entails more elite training camps.
An unethical camp director has 2 talented daughters who are on a losing team in the next state. Since he has all the contact information, he phones our team's parents one by one, and sets up a "dream team" centered around his 2 daughters. Sadly, my 15 yr. old daughter, among others, gets bumped off the "dream team", not because they lack talent, but because there simply aren't enough spots on the team for all the girls.
Back home, the youth director at our sports complex is very upset and resigns. One of the coaches also resigns. This incident has caused much division and strife among parents and fans. The entire program will probably collapse.
The hometown girls now have to travel 8 hrs. (one way) to practice with the rest of the "dream team" every weekend. They stay in hotels and drive home the next day. It's insane!
Thankfully, over the years, we kept our daughter grounded with music lessons, church groups, and insisted she keep high academic standards. After a few tearful weeks, she bounced right back into the busy life of a 10th grader.
It has been 8 months now, and the "dream team" recently won at nationals. They have obtained passports for international competition, so they can be groomed for the Olympics. We wish them well, and hold no malice against anyone, but it's hard to get excited when a child's heart is broken and dreams are dashed, and the sports program is collapsing. And it's all in the name of good sportsmanship!
P.S. Personally, if our other children show a strong talent in dance or sports, I think we'll run in the other direction.
Posted by: Lady of the Lake | March 25, 2008 4:11 AM
I just wanted to share my personal experience with you as I grew up dancing ballet and now as an adult I have thought about how I would handle something like this when my daughter gets a little older. When it comes to ballet dancers are intensely trained very young because they become professionals in high school usually and then their careers usually peak and fade off in their 20's. As you face this decision now you will be likely to continue to face these decisions with more frequency if she continues in dance.
I started dancing when I was about your daughter's age and I think my parents struggled with this but it was something I really wanted to do. As I grew older I thought that I would be a ballerina when I grew up. However the level of commitment that I entered into in high school, leaving school early and dancing upwards of 8 hours per day I found that I had squeezed most other good things including time with my family, friends, involvement with church, and other areas of personal growth out of my schedule. One of my dance teachers told me that if I really wanted to be a "dancer" I had to give up everything else. I realized that this was not where God was leading me and I stopped dancing all together and had to redefine my life, and rebuild new friendships. Years later God allowed me to use my dance training to teach others to dance in my home church and we now have a strong dance ministry.
I just wanted to share my story. Dance can teach a lot of wonderful skills, including discipline, self confidence, the french language, and it is great exercise. My thoughts are when I look back on my experience that at that young age I want my daughter to be able to pursue what she enjoys without it consuming her life. I want her to have a variety of experiences to explore different areas that God has gifted her and to have time to play, imagine and be a kid. I want her to be with our family and I don't know if I would feel comfortable with her dancing every day at that age. I guess it depends on what your goals are and if she is driven to do it. I would also spend time considering the person that is teaching my daughter and what type of values etc.. she is teaching through dance since she would be spending so much time with her. I was blessed when I was young to have a wonderful teacher who was a role model for me not just when it came to dance. She encouraged us to be well rounded and I still keep in touch with her. The fact that you are taking the time to consider the decision is really the important part.
Posted by: Reba | March 25, 2008 10:10 AM
