March 20, 2008 6:46 PM
Choosing not to have children - your thoughts, please
Barbara:A friend recently told me that she and her husband were thinking about not having children. They have been married almost 3 years. Here is my response to her, but I would like to hear your response to this idea. Thank you for your time.
Kristin
"I'm assuming my position is obvious. Are you thinking of adopting or just no kids at all? Is this something you believe God has told you or is this your plan? I firmly believe that God created the institution of marriage for the express purposes of 1) helping our spouse fulfill the plan God has for him/her 2) to raise up an army of little God-followers. (Like arrows in his quiver....) Choosing to not have children once you are married is like choosing to travel to a tropical island, but opting to stay inside the airport the whole time. What's the point? Don't get me started. Oh, wait - you already did. The main reasons I hear couples choose to not have children is because of a) money, b) the desire to keep things the way they are/fear of the unknown, c) careers are first priority, d) ministry opportunities aren't family friendly, e) fear of failure."She responded..."Our main worry is that we are too selfish to be good parents, and that our ministry isn't well suited for children."
"I agree that ministry requires a lot of time and effort. You have to decide if this is what God is calling you to do for this season, or for your lifetime. I tend to believe we live our life in seasons. Rarely are we doing the same thing 20 years from now - if so maybe we aren't growing the way God wants. If you choose ministry over children and go so far as to prevent pregnancy what does that say about the level of trust you have in God. Can't He give us the provision to do both? If God wants you to be so commited to this ministry that you shouldn't become parents then maybe He'll prevent pregnancy?
Also - the selfishness factor. We are ALL too selfish to become good parents. That's the work of grace in our lives. Being a parent is the closest resemblance to the love God has for us in that He gave us His only Son. (I would venture to say that adoption is an even clearer picture of what God does for us.) When you become a mother something spiritual happens. You are totally given over to another human. You care about them more than yourself. You think about their needs more than your own. It is agape love at it's best human definition. I fail daily. My selfishness creeps in daily. It is hard - it is very, very hard; but there is no greater joy... and that is an understatement."
Kristin wanted to know what we thought about her response . . . . What would you have said?
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Let me take a stab at it.
I think God's deepest desire for us is to grow more and more like Him--to be holy. So how do we get there?
One thing parenthood does is it gives us an opportunity that is not found anywhere else in life to develop our character--to learn to give, to learn to put others' needs first, to learn to love unconditionally and with one's whole heart. We get a window into God's heart. And it does bring us closer to Him.
By choosing not to have children so that you as a couple can serve Him elsewhere, I believe, is giving up this chance for refining that God wants all of us to have.
When we have children, we stand for the first time on the edge of eternity. We understand the idea of forever, because our lives are no longer just about us. They are about our kids, and their kids. They are about having to trust God in a way we never have before because our hearts are now walking around outside our bodies. We need Him to watch over these little ones. We will learn to pray. We will learn what it means to trust in the eternal, rather than the temporal, as we have to put so much of their lives into His hands.
And, best of all, we bless the world with what we leave behind. Think of the blessing that Laban gave Rebecca in Genesis 24: Oh, my sister, may your offspring number thousands upon thousands, and may they possess the gates of your enemies.
We are raising little ones who will take a stand for God in their small sphere of the world. Certainly this couple wants to concentrate on their ministry, but what's to say their own children, or grandchildren, won't have ministries, too?
Finally, our world needs babies. It's as simple as that. Who better to have them than those who know the Creator?
Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum today!
Posted by: Sheila Gregoire | March 20, 2008 7:06 PM
In addition to what Kristin wrote, I would put the burden of "proof" where it belongs, on her friend. Where in God's Word does it support this decision? What is their biblical reasoning?
Rather than Kristin needing to convince her friend, her friend would need to be the one who would need to biblically defend her actions.
Also the fact that her friend is asking Kristin for her opinion tells me that her friend isn't so sure that her decision IS a biblical one.
Posted by: Keer | March 20, 2008 7:35 PM
No one is a better judge of the situation than the couple themselves. If the couple realizes their life would not be suitable for children, we could do a grave disservice by trying to talk them into it anyway.
Posted by: idyllicmollusk | March 20, 2008 8:41 PM
I don't want to mince words but I don't agree that no one is a better judge of the situation than the couple themselves. I often think I am blinded to the situation in front of me far more than the godly men and women I surrond myself with that possess a little more perspective than I might at that moment. I do agree that no one should be talked into having children but the bible is clear God has a lot to say about the decisions we make in our lives. I can't imagine that having children or not would be an exception. The word is also clear about seeking wise council. I would suggest to Kristen that this isn't a race and with time in prayer and good conversation with godly individuals much would be made clear. Maybe He is calling them to a life without children. You can't know until your fervently seek.
Posted by: christina | March 20, 2008 9:54 PM
I agree with the above poster. This couple should make their own choice without being pressured. Only they know what is truly going on in their lives. Who knows, they may feel this way now and may change their minds anyway. God will be the one to lead them where they need to go in his perfect time.
Posted by: Angela | March 20, 2008 10:50 PM
I also believe that it is not a friend's place to advise another regarding having children. That is between the couple and God alone.
Posted by: Karen | March 20, 2008 11:35 PM
I think that as Christians, we tell people that we trust in God, but then we don't trust Him to open and close our wombs in His Timing.
Also, we Christians say that God has "much bigger plans for us than we could ever imagine". But we are all talk and no action, because we won't allow God in our marriage.
I truly believe that if God has called a couple to marriage, then he has called them to be open to life, whether He gives them 10 children or 2 children or no children. Married couples will be abundantly blessed whenever they humbly accept His Will for them.
In this couple we are discussing, perhaps God wants them to begin their ministry, then end it in obedience to Him, as their family grows in size. What a testimony this would be to the world! "Hey world, if God gives us a large family, then He must want family to come first. And if it interferes with our plans, or the plans of our ministry, then so be it. To God goes the Glory!"
One such couple had to leave the missionary field when they had their 4th child. They came back to the U.S., moved-in down the street from me, and are shining examples of the gospel in action. Without even speaking a word of the gospel, they speak volumes! Christ's love shines through them as their children roam the neighborhood, as they do carpool duty, and as they help the widow down the street. Everyone knows that they're open to having more children. If they stood outside the mall handing out bible tracts, they couldn't be more effective than they are right now.
Posted by: Lady of the Lake | March 21, 2008 12:57 AM
While I also agree that a couple's decision about children is between them and God, it seems that the person in question brought up the subject to Kristin in the first place.
If I were her, I would explain about how my husband's attitude on fatherhood has evolved in the past few years. I married him knowing he did not want children, but I also knew why. He was afraid of becoming like his own father. After a few years, I have gradually helped him to become more comfortable with the idea of fatherhood, and now not only do we have an absolutely beautiful two month old boy, but hubby is looking forward to trying for a girl in a couple of years and possibly even more children than that. He's an amazing father to our son and I'm so proud of him. In some ways I almost envy him because sometimes I think he's a better father than I am a mother. Oh dear!
Posted by: Courageous Grace | March 21, 2008 1:01 AM
I like Kristin's response about how we're all too selfish to be good parents! And how!
I don't know how I feel about this. On the one hand, I agree that convincing someone to have children who doesn't want them is not a good idea (and probably can't be done). On the other hand, I believe that challenging a person's beliefs, especially regarding something like having children, is a good idea.
There are good reasons and bad reasons to not have children. A good reason is having a life-threatening medical condition, being on medications that cause birth defects (as I am), not wanting to pass on a genetic disease, being in an abusive marriage, being financially unstable, etc. Notice the extremety of these situations. A bad reason is being too selfish, or not wanting children to interfere with one's "ministry." God withholds children from people all the time. Having children is not His plan for every person. However, it is God who makes that decision, not people.
I think it's right for Kristin to challenge her friend. But I really think it's important to get to the root of the friend's concern. Perhaps there is a hurt in either the woman's or the man's past that makes having children terrifying. I had a friend who didn't want to have children because her family had been so messed up by mental illness and she was afraid of passing that on to children or of being a truly bad parent. I think Dean Koontz is like that, too. God can bring healing, but it's a valid concern. If selfishness is truly the reason, then that's a whole different ballgame. We are called to die to ourselves in so many ways. How can this couple be in ministry if they're that selfish? Ministry is often a 24-hour-a-day job. Hmmm. Maybe they're too overwhelmed by their ministry and can't imagine adding the chaos of a baby. That would require discernment about their future. Children are far more adaptable than people sometimes think.
Hopefully this couple is young enough that they have time to reconsider. Children are a gift from the Lord. Why would we turn down a gift from the God who loves us? I pray that Kristin is able to continue this exchange with her friend in grace and love, seeking to heal and to encourage. It's God who changes the heart. Lord have mercy.
Posted by: Lucy | March 21, 2008 1:33 AM
I have a non-Christian friend from college who has stated, forcefully and with reason, that no one should be pressured to have children who does not want to. It's too hard a job, and too easy to mess up, to be undertaken by someone who isn't interested. And I agree with her, except....
Except that I don't think that applies at all to a Christian. We are not our own; we have been bought at a price. Our lives are not our own; we are called to lay them down in obedience daily to the call of our Savior. Do I want this job? That doesn't matter. What matters is that this is the job God has given me, the job God has called me to, and therefore the job I must do with excellence to the best of my ability as I lean on God for more strength. And I truly mean "this job" in a generic sense -- this applies to the job my husband just left for as much as it does my "job" as a SAHM.
We in the 21st century are all too ready to say that we are selfish, that we like being able to be selfish, and that we are content to stay this way. God did not call us to remain as we are; He called us to become more like Himself, to be sanctified during this life and thus more ready to meet Him in the next (although, as with parenting, I doubt that anything can fully prepare us for the next life before we get there). I can think of no better way to lose selfishness than to become a parent. Yes, you will stumble; yes, your selfishness will impact your child; but going into it knowing that it will require you to put aside your own desires, you will find that nothing else brings your selfishness to light like a dependent child you know and love who cannot get through life without you. My children have been by far God's greatest tool in my sanctification.
We in the 21st century are also all too ready to say that the ministry God has called us to precludes children. A century ago, that wasn't an option. There are some ministries that may truly preclude children -- but they are far rarer than we (and the missionary organizations) often believe, and IMO best left to those who are called to singleness. Most ministries can, with determination and creativity, be done with family. If God called me to minister to college students, to the homeless, to those who haven't heard the Gospel yet in the depths of Africa, I am confident that I would find a way to do so with my children alongside, and with a continued openness to receiving more children as He sees fit to give them.
We are also all too ready to dismiss as unimportant the ministry of a mother and father to their own children. There is far more ministry going on in a good Christian home on Tuesday morning than in some churches on Sunday morning.
To sum up: Ministry is not a reason for refusing children; while children may inhibit outside ministry for a season, they will increase ministry overall, and grow up to be people who can minister to others themselves, and a family can maintain a focus on ministering outside the home. Selfishness is not a reason for refusing children; it is a character flaw best gotten rid of as thoroughly as possible, and nothing will chase out the last vestiges of selfishness like being responsible for someone else 24/7.
Newt
Posted by: Newt Sherwin | March 21, 2008 9:35 AM
If you're too selfish to be good parents, then stop being selfish. Nobody gets a pass to be selfish.
In the Bible, infertility is a curse. Children are a blessing. Children are also a duty. Why choose infertility, then? We have to trust God on these matters. The Virgin Mary conceived in difficult circumstances. She managed.
Marriage is the domestic church. Can you imagine a church that didn't try to grow? It would die.
This is the age of the contraceptive mentality, where children are seen not as a gift or a duty, but an "option", something superfluous to one's life, one's faith and one's church. They're not. All married people have to contribute insofar as they can.
Posted by: SUZANNE | March 21, 2008 9:57 AM
Thank you for your comments, and for your encouragement about my response to my friend. I appreciate Sheila's reminder to live our life becoming more like Him and to filter all decisions through that position.
I wanted to copy/paste some follow-up comments I sent to my friend just so you would know that I did address the "serious medical issues" issue and infertility.
ALSO - a commenter on my blog asked a GREAT question..see below
"When I read the Bible, there are dozens of scriptures which assume that women have children. I have never read Paul say, 'If you decide to become a mother.' It is an assumed role in that is how God created women.I know there are thousands of Believers who desire children but are experiencing infertility. I pray for those families and hope that God chooses to expand their family either through pregnancy or adoption. It is not these families that I am addressing, but rather those who have chosen NOT to expand their family beyond the husband and wife relationship."
Q: In your opinion, would it be wrong for an infertile Christian couple NOT to seek adoption, and to settle for life without children?
That's a great question. No, I don't think it would be wrong. But, as my many adoptive friends point out...adoption is not Plan B. I know God has plans for us and they are plans for our prosperity, not for our harm. I think this would be an area where the couple could seek the Lord and follow His leading. Is He drawing their heart toward adoption or toward a ministry that would make it difficult to raise children (perhaps a volitile country, a lot of travel or contact with substance abusers)? Does God want them to wait on Him for a season and allow Him to open the doors either for adoption or pregnancy? In this case they wouldn't be "settling" at all.
I realize there are dozens of factors to take into consideration before becoming a parent. If you were abused as a child, or if you have health issues to consider - those things are important and need consideration. I am just saying...for healthy couples who are enjoying their DINK lives to choose NOT to have children in order to not disrupt the good groove they have going - it's pride. It's easy for me to point out b/c pride is the issue I struggle with day in and day out.
Posted by: Kristin | March 21, 2008 10:17 AM
I had a long response typed up and somehow, it got lost. So here we go, trying to recreate it... ;-)
Firstly, I don't recall Moses being told "no babies!"--and he had a far greater "ministry" than nearly anyone I can think of today.
Secondly, pride is definitely an issue. I mean, who are we to say that *our* ministry is the one that God wants to prosper? Maybe it is our child's--or our grandchild's...
I'm sure you all have heard the line about "Where are the scientists curing cancer, or the great philosophers? The composers? The artists? Where are they?"...they aren't here, because they were never born....either because their parents decided that they just couldn't have a child, or because they got on the pill because everyone else was doing it, or because the baby ended up aborted..regardless, those people who "never were", were prevented from living out *their* ministry...
Thirdly, what greater ministry is there than to raise a family? We will be living out our faith in daily life...and wearing away, refining, ourselves, and getting us to where God wants us to be (assuming we go along with His will in our lives).
There are genuinely serious reasons for avoiding pregnancy, as one previous poster mentioned. But they are SERIOUS reasons. Not because "children would be inconvenient to what I want to do". Hm. That sounds strangely secular. Not something I would expect to hear out of the mouth of a Christian (but far too often, do). We are called to be in the world, but not of it. We are called the live our lives differently.
To take a "car driving" analogy...
We let God drive the car of our lives in everything--except our fertility (left hand turns). So whenever God wants to make a left hand turn, we yank the wheel to the right, and refuse to go down that road...But that is the road God wants us on...opportunities are lost, lives and the world are forever changed because we refuse to turn over ALL OF OUR LIVES to His control...to His guidance.
How can we say to other that they should "become like a little child...let God rule your life", when we ourselves are unwilling to turn all of ourselves over to Him? Who knows best what our needs are, where we will be, down the road, better than God? We sure don't! We don't even know if we will be alive 1 minute from now, much less 9mos, or 10 yrs from now.
To me, it is a very sad statement when those trying to bring Christ to people don't practice what they preach. It speaks of hypocrisy to those that they are attempting to minister to, and gives cause for them to hold back from God in their own lives...
God willing, Kristin's friend will look seriously at what her reasoning is...
Posted by: Rachel | March 21, 2008 11:04 AM
I can't help but look at this situation with a couple well-worn phrases in mind: "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans." & "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called."
When I started out this journey, I was fairly certain I'd never have children. Thirteen years into marriage I have 6 children and would gladly have another 6.
Posted by: queenmommy911 | March 21, 2008 1:25 PM
I can't help but look at this situation with a couple well-worn phrases in mind: "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans." & "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called
Queenmommy's " well worn phrases" have been so true in my life!!! I'm still scratching my head, wondering how I ended up with ( nearly) 4 kids and didn't stop at 2.....I'm a " play it safe" kind of person, or at least I used to be! Now I'm homeschooling, and expecting my 4th sweet baby boy in 7 years. No one could have told me that this was the way my life would be 10 years ago! I have more on my plate than I ever imagined, and it's come to me in ways that I never expected. It is all a GOD thing, in retrospect. Not all of it has been completely happy and without sorrow, GOD is the one shaping my life, but I am the MOST FUFILLED that I have EVER been in my entire life......I will NEVER regret having these 4 kids. Fertility is a gift, but so is adoption. God can stop either from happening.
I agree with so much of what has been said here. It seems that Kristin's friend and her DH need to spend a LOT of time in prayer. God will show them what they should do.....For my husband, it finally came to a point of trusting God with whether or not we should have a 4th child. He knew that there is never a guarantee of pregnancy, so he let God decide.
Whatever we do with our lives, we are called to do it unto the LORD. So if we are raising children, it's a stewardship and not an ownership. Same with ministry.......I think this couple should just pray through their decision, and God will show them what to do.
Posted by: Miss L | March 21, 2008 6:03 PM
