April 29, 2008 5:07 PM
Freedom vs Protection - thinking it over
My son Zach (20) first asked me what my readers and I thought of this article. I didn't post it then, but when I got a second request from Kari, I thought maybe you all would like to comment:
Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride the Subway Alone Posted on April 6, 2008 by lskenazyI left my 9-year-old at Bloomingdale’s (the original one) a couple weeks ago. Last seen, he was in first floor handbags as I sashayed out the door. Bye-bye! Have fun!
And he did. He came home on the subway and bus by himself .
Was I worried? Yes, a tinge. But it didn’t strike me as that daring, either. Isn’t New York as safe now as it was in 1963? It’s not like we’re living in downtown Baghdad.
Anyway, for weeks my boy had been begging for me to please leave him somewhere, anywhere, and let him try to figure out how to get home on his own. So on that sunny Sunday I gave him a subway map, a MetroCard, a $20 bill, and several quarters, just in case he had to make a call.
No, I did not give him a cell phone. Didn’t want to lose it. And no, I didn’t trail him, like a mommy private eye. I trusted him to figure out that he should take the Lexington Avenue subway down, and the 34th Street crosstown bus home. If he couldn’t do that, I trusted him to ask a stranger. And then I even trusted that stranger not to think, “Gee, I was about to catch my train home, but now I think I’ll abduct this adorable child instead.”
Read entire article at Free Range Kids, which has the interesting byline "Let's give our children the freedom we had!
I spent some of my growing up years (4th and 5th grade) in Washington DC and remember roaming the city and riding the buses with complete freedom at the age or 9 (I skipped a grade so I was a year young for my grade). Looking back, I cringe at the thought that I wasn't better supervised. But having read this article and weighing the possibility that we may actually be over-protecting our children to the point that they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag :), I am realizing that there were some pluses for me personally.
I have never felt intimidated in a strange city or on public transportation in the midst of the greatest diversity. I have rarely felt afraid, and if I did I knew how to act so as to avoid trouble (not afraid). I learned how to relate to lots of different people, to read maps, to follow schedules, to make purchases with cash, to count my change and so on. I remember walking up the steps inside the Washington Monument because in those days you could do that and there was never a line. *sigh*
As a teen I lived in suburban Virginia but I took the bus into DC often on the weekends to visit museums and explore. I've pushed my teens to take Metro into Washington DC, but they aren't as interested as I was at their age. They don't have the same zeal I did for exploring the city and finding new places. I think it might be because it wasn't part of their early experience to explore on their own.
Kids need protection. But they also need to feel competent. And having a spirit of adventure is quite wonderful, now that I think about it in my own life.
I'm beginning to think I should have done more in this area to give my children a greater sense of independence and curiosity about the world around them. . . . .
Posted in Loudoun County, Mothering, Teens and Tweens | Permalink
Comments
Thanks for the input, Barbara. With your years of parenting experience, I was so curious to hear your "take." I've definitely been thinking this over ~ even in the past few years long before reading that blog.
Still, given Mark's years of working in corrections and especially his expertise in the area of s-- offenders (treating them, that is), we both cringe at the thought of some of the "freedoms" afforded the children in examples on that blog. We simply know *way* more than the average parents. And Mark knows so much more than he ever actually shares with me! Honestly, with the number of women who have gone missing in our ("safe" suburban) area over the past decade or so, he prefers that I not go out alone at night.
It's not fear that we act out of - but knowledge. And we're trying to balance it all. At some age, you let them take some risks. And I understand that the age will be different for every child. (But nine? Yikes.)
At sixteen I started taking the train for a daytrip to NYC (from Delaware) on occasion with a friend or two. The one friend had an aunt in the city. Though we never saw her except for dinner on one visit, his parents and mine knew we had somewhere to go and someone to come to our rescue if things went badly. I'm sure my mom was a wreck the whole day. (Knowing my mom, that is.) But it was good for all of us. (Admittedly, she never would have let me go with just a girlfriend, and looking back and knowing me then, that would be very wise. I behaved very differently in the company of my "guy friends.")
I'm just trying to work it all out in my wee brain. So - when? Any additional insight there? How do we know how much freedom, when, and where?
Posted by: Kari | April 29, 2008 7:56 PM
This is interesting, Barbara. I don't even let my kid go down the block to our neighborhood park by himself (he's 8). The last time he went by himself (at 7) he came home and had hung out with some boys at the top of the slide who offered him a cigarette. We decided he didn't need to be down there by himself. Am I wisely protecting him? I'd say yes, but this article does cause me to pause & thin it over again. How do we know?!
Posted by: bonnie | April 29, 2008 8:30 PM
This is such a tricky thing, but I too have memories of the things I did like that on my own at a young age. My father (retired military and college professor now) told me once that he prided himself on the idea that my brother and I could be dropped in any subway station, bus station, train station, airport or transportation hub and not only be able to function but be confident about our ability to find our way home... This was proven one summer when I visited my mom in DC and managed to get from her home to where she worked at NIH (not even being sure of which of those buildings she worked in and the visit being totally imprompto). She was shocked at my audacity at 15, but I was never scared, just excited about the adventure of it. I wouldn't trade that exhiliration/experience for the world... It was one of those things that gave me confidence that I can handle myself. As a young single woman now, living and working alone in Atlanta, that awareness is so important to my ability to make good choices about my abilities and activities, not out of fear of what I can or can't do, but out of the knowing of what is safe and not safe or right and wrong.... not from fear. Oh, and no one had cell phones back when I went on my adventure. And to my Dad's credit I have operated in all of the scenarios he hoped not just here, but all over the world, literally.
Posted by: Sandy | April 30, 2008 10:36 AM
What a timely article for me, as my 12 year old boys are really starting to stretch me from my comfort zone! They are starting a business this summer so that they can start saving money toward a Person-to-Person trip to Australia! Without me! How could they possibly make it without Mom?!?
To make matters worse, my husband wants to buy them a minibike--like a small motorcycle. I was horrified, but he reminded me we do live on 30 acres and they would only be riding there. But, but, but!!!! What if they get hurt?
Can you see I need some stretching? ;-)
Posted by: Jill S | April 30, 2008 11:08 AM
No way, no how, would I let a nine year old child out alone to find their way home. Uhhm... what if the child disappeared, then how would the parent feel about this "experiment"? My understanding is that a parent can be prosecuted if they leave a child under the age of 11 or 12 home alone. I think we do need to reach kids independance, but leaving a nine year old alone is putting the child at risk of harm.
Posted by: Karen | April 30, 2008 11:51 AM
I grew up in a town that had a population of 700 so I'm sure my experience was rather different than this, but as a child I wondered the town quite freely.
I walked the two miles or so to school, walked down to the drug store, walked to the ice rink etc.
I also babysat other people's children from about the age of 9. We lived in a "safe" community, but I'm sure that there were plenty of weirdos around.
I feel a bit conflicted about this now. At the time I felt completely confident in myself, and I do believe that confidence allowed me to be more comfortable in my adult life. It also taught me some measure of self-sufficiency.
My niece and nephew are 8 and 10 and not allowed to be home alone for even a few minutes. Nor are they allowed off the street. They also can not make themselves toaster waffles.
I think there is a balance between the extremes. For me, being home alone is safer than wandering the streets, and I would feel far more comfortable leaving a 9 year old home while I went to the gas station than letting the same 9 year old traverse the city.
I think 9 is too young to be alone in New York, but I don't live there and perhaps my feelings are based on my own unfamiliarity with the area. Perhaps a child that is very used to riding the subway and well versed in safety precautions would be perfectly fine getting home.
I really don't know.
Posted by: Lauren | April 30, 2008 1:12 PM
As a mom of three boys I feel the constant tension between protecting and challenging them. The thought of turning my 9 year old loose in NYC just horrifies me (!) but then that woman may be shocked that I let my boys (11, 9 and 6) wander the woods behind their grandparents' house - where we've spotted all manner of wild animals (including black bears and even - very rarely - a cougar).
On the other hand, when my oldest was in Kindergarten we lived a 10 minute walk from his school. He asked several times to be allowed to walk himself home. I have no doubt that he could have accomplished this easily, even crossing two busy streets. But.... knowing that there were FIVE Level 3 S*x Offenders living in a one block radius of the school (can you believe that?!) I had to refuse that request!
Still, the author of that blog is quite right that our fears are often unrealistic. Our kids are often much more resourceful than we give them credit for! Just last week we were heading home from several errands and I had a meeting I was nearly late for. Instead of taking the boys home first, I decided to go directly to the meeting (about a 10 minute walk from our house) and let them walk home. I gave them a house key and told them to lock the door behind them. When I came home 45 minutes later they had made themselves lunch, cleaned up after themselves, and gone on to clean the family room! Those are kids I can give more freedom to! :0)
I am more willing to allow my kids the freedom to take physical risks (making a tree-fort on their own, rowing a boat out on the lake, etc.) than to allow strangers to have access to them.
Posted by: Julie | April 30, 2008 7:27 PM
I grew up in NY. I was allowed to ride the subway alone when I was in seventh grade. This was dictated by a move; it was no longer at all convenient for my parents. At that point, I had been whining about the issue for years. Fortunately, I never had a bad experience. People mostly leave each other alone on the subway, especially during rush hours. I would probably let my own child do the same at a similar age - say eleven or twelve.
It is different from the suburbs where it is normal to kids drive around. In NY, there is no busing for public schools, so children must walk or take the train to school. At some point, their parents feel they are old enough to make the trip alone. One often sees unaccompanied preteens or groups of kids on the subway.
Posted by: parker | May 1, 2008 12:11 AM
What's so different today, I think, is that we hear so much more about crime. We have this idea that kidnappers lurk around every corner.
But the truth is that stranger kidnappings were just as common when we were kids as they are today. They haven't increased. And kids are still far more likely to be abused by family friends than strangers. So being out alone isn't that much more dangerous--if it's dangerous at all--than it was back then.
I was in London, England by myself at 17, and I was perfectly safe. I was streetwise, and I wasn't an easy target. When I was a kid I was on subways all the time, too.
Today I try to give my kids the same freedom, but we don't live in a large city. We live in a small one without subways, etc. So they can't have the same freedom and experiences. But I hope we don't shelter them too much...
Posted by: Sheila | May 1, 2008 8:05 AM
As I am reading the comments, I think it just has so much to do with our own life's experiences. My own personal experiences certainly color how much (or little, truth be told) I trust human kind.
God, yes. Man, no. (Or woman...)
Sure I had all that freedom, but I am also thinking more and more about all of the trouble I got into in my adolescence. A lot of people wouldn't consider it "trouble." Drinking, promiscuity, etc. - it's so much the
norm in our culture. But following Christ for nearly twenty years now, I am sickened by my past.
I *don't* want my daughters to replicate my adolescence in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I would say I have a God-given duty to do all I can to see that it doesn't happen. Had I had less freedom and been at home more, had I been at home with adult supervision more, I would not necessarily have come to Christ any earlier - but I wouldn't have so much in my past to regret, either. Maybe that so-called confidence I had *wasn't* such a good thing, in retrospect.
Mark had a friend who was involved in an attempted kidnapping when he was about the age of our oldest. The boy got away - thank the Lord, because when the person was later caught he had a lengthy criminal record for heinous crimes against boys. In a "safe" suburban area in the seventies.
It's easy to think it just happens to other people - until it happens to you or to someone you know and love. We've known too many people who have had to live with the consequences of horrid actions at the hands of others.
I can't protect my children from everyone and everything - but I just don't think I am doing my God-given job, or least doing it *well*, if I deny the risks (because those things happen to "other people") and subject them to the possibility.
I'd rather they develop confidence a little at a time than subject them to too much too soon. Not to mention the risks of which we are far too aware. Sadly, they *don't* just happen to "other people."
Still trying to work this all out in my head...And "talking" (writing) while I do.
Posted by: Kari | May 1, 2008 9:22 AM
Barbara, I am a little concerned that oft-quoted "statistics" say aren't necessarily always backed up with numbers. Here are a few stats I have found...
Research indicates that 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 10 boys will be sexually victimized before adulthood.
[D. Finkelhor. “Current Information on the Scope and Nature of Child Sexual Abuse.” The Future of Children: Sexual Abuse of Children, 1994, volume 4, page 37.]
(The figures Mark has here somewhere are higher than that - but I can't find them to find the source, so I don't want to quote them. (He has testified in numerous county courts as an "expert witness" in the field of sexual offenses.))
• The most vulnerable age for sexual abuse is between 7 and 13 years.
- Finkelhor, D., 1994
• Contrary to popular impressions, children aged 12 and up-particularly teenagers-account for the vast majority of actual long-term child abductions and murders, with numbers dramatically higher among children age 14 to 17 than any other age group. Girls are twice as likely to be victims as boys in abduction murders, and the chances that an abductor is a stranger increases with the victim's age.
-Redbook, February 1998
(Maybe it's not so much that all of us teen girls roaming big cities were "safe" as we were - lucky?)
• In 80% of abductions by strangers, the first contact occurs within a quarter mile of the child's home. In many cases, the abduction does, too.
- 1990 U.S. Justice Dept.
(Which is why our children *don't* play in our neighborhood without adult supervision of some sort at all times. Now, if we had several acres or a fence, I would probably feel differently.)
• Most strangers grab their victims on the street or try to lure them into their vehicles.
- 1990 U.S. Justice Dept.
*The chance of a minor being kidnapped by a stranger is 1 in 560, by a family member 1 in 180.
- Discover Magazine as reported by Gannett News Service 5/28/96.
(Just because the risk is higher with family members doesn't mean the other is negligible. In one large church (full of them here in the south) that could be one or more minor per church.)
• More than 1/5 of the children reported to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children in nonfamily abductions are found dead.
- Smithsonian, Oct. 95.
(If statistics on these kinds of crimes should go down - does it mean we are a safer, saner nation - or that we parents are simply being so much more vigilant than our parents were?)
Still thinking and chewing on all this...
Posted by: Kari | May 1, 2008 9:36 AM
This is an issue with which I am sure I will struggle. My 15 year old sister was kidnapped, raped and murdered while she was waiting for her school bus outside of our home. This was in 1989. I am now pregnant with my first child (I'm actually on bedrest for a partial placental abruption) and I know I will have a hard time balancing between my need to over protect my child and my child's need to just be a kid. My parents understandably were very overprotective after my sister's death, and while I completely understand it and know I will struggle with it as a parent, I do think they should have given me a little more freedom.
I hate that I struggle with fear all the time now and I really don't want to pass that on to my little girl. However, how do I balance that with the fact that God gave me my little one to protect? Is letting her roam when you know there are risks good stewardship? Should I take risks in her protection for her confidence sake? Surely confidence can be built other ways. I have always been confident of my ability to navigate to new areas and it has nothing to do with my parents allowing me to roam around - because that did NOT happen!
I don't really have an answer here - just thinking out loud. It's something I knew I would struggle with even when I was younger - how to protect without being over protective. I will have to daily ask God to help me in this area. Please Lord, help me to be balanced!!
Posted by: Debra | May 1, 2008 10:41 AM
Dear Debra -
Please know how much I grieve with you at the terrible loss your family suffered. And I pray God will give you wisdom as you grow your own family.
I know we're all thinking out loud here. But thinking out loud and hearing from each other helps shape our motherhood journey - it reminds me of lively debates I enjoyed in college classes. Thinking out loud doesn't mean you're married to a firm opinion, and it is a valuable process in thinking through things.
I want to qualify myself by saying that I was the victim of sexual abuse at the age of eight in a foster home. While I know people may react in many ways to this, I guess in my case I reacted by taking charge of my life. I lived in DC as a child and in the Mission District of San Francisco as a single mother. The only time I was ever threatened was after I'd gone to see Looking for Mr. Goodbar - a movie in which Diane Keaton plays a young promiscuous woman (which I was at the time) who is murdered in the final scene. I was feeling scared and vulnerable and as I walked home I was suddenly confronted with a group of Latino men who began harassing me. I somehow managed to get away unharmed. But I realized that what made the difference between that day and all the other times I walked those streets was that I was giving off an air of vulnerability. Street smarts and confidence are the name of the game when you are a city dweller.
At that time I had left my first husband and was not really thinking through my mothering choices. As parker pointed out, city kids do not have the advantages of school buses or often parents with cars. I had a job and Samantha was in third grade in public school. Every morning and afternoon, she walked three blocks through the Mission District to ride the public bus by herself to and from school. Looking back, I can hardly believe I did that to my child. and yet, I'm looking through the lens of a comfy suburban lifestyle where my husband supports us and a school bus picks up my kids at the end of my driveway.
If I were again a single working mother in a city, without a car, I might still have to make the same decisions. And I would have to rely on God a lot more.
I think of mothers in places where bullets are flying and bombs going off in marketplaces. We certainly do live in privileged times and places. And in a way - thinking out loud, here - I think we may have set ourselves up for more control over our children's lives than we are really entitled to.
Yes, we are their protectors, but are we allowing them to grow in the ways in which they need to grow? Are we understanding God's role? And are we building future men and women who can think for themselves and take risks and be confident?
I found being a mother of boys to be a truly stretching experience as I did not at all understand the male imperative to explore and to be free of feminine constraint. My 20 year old son Zach recently reminded me of a big showdown we had in Disneyland because I insisted that our whole family stay together and would not allow my boys to go off and explore on their own. they were young, but looking back I see this as a missed opportunity. After all, the environment there was fairly controlled and it would have been a good place to let them test their wings.
Unfortunately, I wasn't ready to test my wings as a mother that day. (Sorry, Josh, Matt, Ben and Zach)
So that's another facet to this conversation. I often see mothers way over-protecting their boys and not respecting their need to get out from under their control - even at a young age.
Remember, God wants us to grow and change. Even after 38 years of mothering, I am still learning, evaluating and reevaluating decisions I make today and those I've made long ago.
When Zach first sent me this article for my comments, I was aghast at the idea of a nine-year-old on the subway. As I've remembered and thought (and because I've been on the New York subway enough to know), I think this mom did a brave and selfless thing and that her child will be the better for it.
My only thing is that I would have given him a cell phone.
Posted by: barbara | May 1, 2008 11:25 AM
Debra-
Please know how sorry I am, too, for your loss.
I will be praying for you during the rest of your complicated pregnancy!
~Kari
Posted by: Kari | May 1, 2008 11:55 AM
As I'm thinking about this more, I see that we're talking about different kinds and levels of risk. Maybe this is a tangent (?) but maybe it will help...
When I was younger I spent three summers with a Christian organization that used to be called Reachout Expeditions, now YD Adventures(Youth Dynamics). It's a bit like Outward Bound on a smaller scale. The general idea was to get groups of kids (teens) out of their environment, out of their comfort zone and into the wilderness. They (we) use this setting to challenge the teens with the claims of Christ. We took them hiking, river rafting, mountain climbing, rock climbing, caving, etc. Great experience!
The rock climbing experience was one of the most powerful, due to the degree of perceived risk, (not the same as actual risk). The rock climbing instructors go through rigorous training, and are required to use multiple layers of safety procedures. In my years of doing this, we saw lots of scraped knees and elbows, but not one actual injury, in the rock climbing activities.
BUT it was a hugely stretching experience for the kids! (And some of the assistant leaders!) Why is that? Their perceived risk was much greater than their actual risk! When you are up near the top of a mountain, climbing a 75' rock face, held "only" by a rope not much thicker than your finger, you feel completely 'exposed' - like you could fall right down to sea level! I have seen, not just kids, but Navy pilots, get the shakes and throw up!
Obviously the experience leads to many analogies and comparisons, but my point (finally) is this: There was a huge difference between the participants' perceived risk and their actual risk. I can use this concept to evaluate what is acceptable risk for my kids. I need to know the facts and be realistic about them.
Also, what is actually being risked?
Reading over the previous comments, I'd give my kids the motorbike in a heartbeat! But an overnight with the Boy Scouts? No way. Not unless Dad goes too. I'll risk a broken bone, but not a wounded soul.
Posted by: Julie | May 1, 2008 12:05 PM
(Don't mean to clog up your comment box here, Barbara, but....)
Julie - I greatly appreciate such keen insight. It's given me much to think about as my oldest begins to hit these "tween" years ~ A new twist on how to help her stretch...
Again, *Very* much appreciated!
(Thanks, Barbara, for the space to have this conversation!)
Posted by: Kari | May 1, 2008 1:26 PM
I think 9 seems a little young to me, but I get the point. I grew up in a small-medium size town in the midwest and decided I wanted to go to Boston for college. People in my town thought my parents were crazy for letting me move out to Boston on my own without knowing anyone there. It was hard at first, but the challenge was good for me, and I loved it. Certainly by age 18, we ought to feel comfortable letting our kids go!
Posted by: Alicia | May 2, 2008 5:23 PM
Ok, I know I'm coming in after this discussion is long over but it is JUST what I have been thinking over so much lately, especially with warmer weather and being outside.
My brother and I were given complete freedom in our Pennsylvania town from about the age of 8 or 9. That freedom was life-shaping...giving us space to think, roam, bike, get in trouble sometimes, help people sometimes, figure out our own limits. We could sense a huge difference between us and the kids whose mothers kept them at home all the time. We felt infinitely sorry for them, of course, but we also worried less, led much more interesting lives, and got better job options in high school. We've gone on to be confident people. Our mother wasn't lenient at all - very strict! - but she knew the value in independence.
On the other hand, when you think about a risk, you have to think about the potential loss. What's the loss? My CHILD. I just can't imagine it. If I keep him home with me I am guaranteed to lose the adventurous spirit I so want to foster. But if he falls into the wrong hands, or even gets into a physical accident...it's not worth it.
I guess it just comes down to a whole lot of prayer, like everything else.
Posted by: Melissa | May 4, 2008 9:59 PM
I think it's important to remember who we can trust most with our children. Certainly there are real evil threats to our children's lives and our enemy the devil would like nothing more than to snatch their souls away.....but Our Heavenly Father loves and cares for them more than we ever could.
If we impart to our children common sense, wisdom, and truth about the evil that wants to harm them (Proverbs is a great place to start) we have laid a good foundation of self protection and set the stage for our children to enjoy the adventures of life.
Even though my parents didn't do so, God protected my brother,sisters, and me during many travels through a dangerous city (remember the Zodiac killer,Symbionese Liberation Army,Summer of Love, drugs, etc.) back in the 60s and early 70s. When I was 14(oldest of four kids)my parents divorced and we had to travel between Marin County and Palo Alto going through San Francisco on the weekends. We'd catch one bus from San Rafael to the Greyhound bus depot in SF @ 7th and Mission (underbelly of SF)on Friday nights...walk 2 blocks to catch a metro bus to the train station...get off a block from the train station....ride the train south...get off and walk the mile and a half to our father's house....and then make the return on Sunday evenings.It was an adventure and there were many times when we were afraid....but God did protect us and we learned to be students of human nature early on....
Posted by: Tripp | May 5, 2008 8:23 AM
I'd like to add one more comment to all of this as Julie mentioned Boy Scouts and made me think of this. I work for the a Boy Scout Camp, in the summers, as the Medical Officer (kind of like a suped up rugged school nurse... I am an EMT and a high school teacher...). One of the problems I handle in addition to the broken bones and cuts are what we call "HS" cases. Homesick. These 10-14 year olds come to me for everything, every little sniffle and "owie" and discomfort, real or imagined. Often they want to go home. I have long talks with mothers about options and realities of life. The boys who are away from home with out mom and/or dad for the first time struggle a little, sometimes, but the joy and self-confidence that comes from making it through is so amazing to see on their faces at the end of the week. They have learned something about themselves and gained so much. As I said I talk to the parents (often single moms) to help them get through it too, so I also often get after camp updates. The freedom and opportunity in being on their own (albeit in the controlled, somewhat protected environment of camp) is invaluable and frankly life changing. By the same token the kids that don't "make it" who go home early, their story is not as happy. That is a different issue than this blog post, so I will just leave that there. What I want to add though, to Julie especially, is that while I understand the risks anytime parents are not with their children and children are together like on Boy Scout Camp-outs, I hope she does let her son go even without his Dad. If you have a good troupe that is solid, boy hijinks will probably ensue, but I think the risk of a broken heart is much less than you think, and the possibility of a joyful, confident empowered young man is much greater.
Posted by: Sandy | May 5, 2008 12:49 PM
