April 21, 2008 9:22 AM
Teaching sons about aggressive girls
My oldest son is now 24. But when he was 13, he had the unpleasant experience of a girl on swim team pushing herself at him physically.
Yeah, I know, some people in this sex-saturated culture would say, "What's the problem?" Like guys are supposed to be indiscriminate, reacting to such behavior like Pavlov's dogs.
But if you've brought your sons up proactively to respect women and to make wise choices regarding their relationships with girls, aggression in tween- and teenage girls is a real problem.
A couple nights ago, a mom was recounting how it took her by surprise when her son hit 6th grade and the phone started ringing. She's not the first who's told me how hard the pressure was for her son to deal with. Another mom told me about how her son had had girls calling him up to list the girls who liked him and demand he make a choice. They were going to set up a date for the following weekend.
When she told him he wasn't allowed to date until he was 16, he was RELIEVED!
With four boys in a row in high school, I saw some very tasteless and desperate behavior on the part of girls who threw themselves at guys for affirmation. They seemed so insecure and needy. Many did not have dads, or one might assume they were not getting enough affirmation from their dads to feel secure in who they were.
I know from experience that my lack of a father - plus early sexual abuse in a foster home coupled with no moral foundation - set me on a path to promiscuity. And I do believe that no matter how well you live your life, that early promiscuity detracts from your marriage later.
Which is why we want to bring our kids up with a plan: to place their trust in God, to look for certain qualities in the opposite sex - qualities like modesty and selflessness, and to resist the culture's pull to indiscriminate sexuality and meaningless relationships.
I specifically taught my boys to avoid girls who throw themselves at them.
As far as my daughters go, Sophia and Maddy have never been aggressive toward guys. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that their dad has been very loving and affirming and has taken a lot of time to communicate with them. As someone raised without a dad, it's been very healing to me to see how important this has been in my daughters development as modest, non-aggressive young women.
So, thanks Tripp!
I'm sharing this not in a boastful way, but as a parent like you who has gotten some things right and some things wrong. A parent with six kids grown up following the plan their dad and I put together to build strong men and women. Did it turn out perfectly? No. At some point, free will kicks in and as much as we'd like to, parents can't control everything. Did they turn out perfectly? Well, their stories aren't finished being written. . . .
But the important thing is to have a plan and a vision. Well, here, let me borrow from something I wrote in Dirty Dancing at the Prom and Other Challenges Your Christian Teens Face: How Parents Can Help:
You’re on your way when you see you need more than a blueprint for raising good kids. You need a vision. As I’ve brought several kids into adulthood while still teaching little ones to tie shoes, what has sustained me is feeling God’s purpose undergirding my parenthood.When I accepted God’s purpose for my life at 38, I understood that though my life had never been without a purpose, I had never had a clue what it was. I didn’t want my kids to grow up willy-nilly like that. I wanted them to trust in God and his purpose for their lives too.
Don’t confuse having purpose with having goals. A child may want to grow up to be a doctor or an opera singer or a rocket scientist. Those are goals, not purposes. Goals are worldly ends we want to reach. Purpose is seen in how we get there.
Many parents, thinking long range for their children, start college savings funds before the baby’s sleeping through the night. But what’s much more important than investing in our child’s education is investing in his or her character. What kind of men and women do we want to produce? Knowing that has been extremely important to me in the responsibility I take for guiding my kids.
My kids have been educated in many settings: Catholic, Christian and homeschool. They’ve been to youth groups, VBS, Sunday school and Bible studies galore. But their dad and I are still the ones who oversee their daily life, discuss with them the practical application of their spiritual knowledge, hold them accountable, and nudge them back on track when they’re a little off. We know them better than anyone. That’s our job as parents.
There’s a word that describes what I’ve had in mind as I raised Josh and his brothers and sisters: mensch. It’s one of those Yiddish words – Yiddish is a Germanic language written in Hebrew which includes many special Hebrew words, especially those that have to do with faith. It’s a challenge to translate, but because it means exactly what I’m talking about here, I’ll try.
The German language has the word mann for man. But mensch means so much more. One dictionary defines mensch as “a person having admirable characteristics, such as fortitude and firmness of purpose.” Mensch also signifies a perfect gentleman or a perfect lady, someone compassionate, caring, and kind.
So when I think about the kind of adults I want my children to grow up to be, I’m thinking menschen – men and women with good, strong, and gracious character. I’m not as concerned with what they grow up to be – career wise – as I am with who they grow up to be. I want them to grow up to be faithful wives and husbands, loving parents, brave believers, good friends, and committed citizens.
Being a menschen means living a life of integrity. Integrity comes from Latin words which put together mean “untouched, whole, entire.” In modern English, integrity means:
1. The quality or state of being complete; unbroken condition; wholeness; entirety
2. The quality or state of being of sound moral principle; uprightness, honesty, sincerity.
Does it seem like I've gotten a little far afield - I mean, I started talking about sexually/socially aggressive girls.
But really, when we look at things going wrong with today's kids, it all goes back to not enough planning and purpose going into their early years.
So I'm writing to those of you still in the formative years: I know it's hard when you're busy and tired and discouraged with the daily routine of raising toddlers. But having a plan and a vision will help you. Having a plan and a vision will keep you motivated. It will give you a plumb line to help you weigh parenting alternatives - will this TV show/movie/book/toy/game/parenting response help me raise a man or woman of integrity?
Please know that no matter how "perfect" an environment you create for your kids during these important early years, life will eventually throw them curve balls - like immature sixth-grade boys having to deal with socially/sexually precocious girls whose aggression is unsettling, even threatening, to them.
That's where the character comes shining through. As Vince Lombardi said: Sports doesn't build character; it reveals it." The decisions our kids make depend to a large extent on what we've instilled in them character-wise beginning way back when they were still in training pants.
We brought our kids up to be respectful of traditional gender roles. That's because we think they work and that they help create a healthy social environment. The girls worth knowing are the ones who dress modestly, carry themselves with self-respect, and let boys call them first.
Well, this is one of those posts I never expected to grow so long. Inspired by an email from my friend Lisa, who is listening to a CD set from FamilyLife - Understanding Aggressive Girls - and finding it very enlightening.
Please feel free to share your experience. Part 2 tomorrow.
Posted in Teens and Tweens | Permalink
Comments
Great Post, and something that's been on my radar for a while. I have two teenage sons, and they often talk about girls who are coming on to them and how they wish they would just go away.
You mentioned the CDs from the FamilyLife Today broadcast. There was an article posted on FamilyLife.com taken from a transcript of the broadcast. It got so much comment traffic that we decided to post about it on our Culture Watch blog.
It's definitely an issue that's at the forefront of our culture today, and a real concern for parents who are trying to train children of integrity. Our kids are bound to encounter more than their fair share of these aggressive girls. The fact that we're openly acknowledging it now is a great step toward dealing with the issue.
I'm glad I found your blog. Great reading.
Posted by: Scott W | April 21, 2008 2:46 PM
I well remember my then ten year old son coming home completely shocked from middle school, a taller bigger girl from the year above had pushed him up against the playground wall and kissed him....it does sound kind of funny, and is supposed to be what every young man wants....but actually when you think about it, it was scary, and if he had been a girl, I would probably have complained to the school.
What we did was to talk about it, and my son decided himself that he didn't want to date anyone until he was much much older ( he's now fourteen and thinks maybe when he is sixteen he'll be ready for this )
Posted by: Sue | April 21, 2008 4:58 PM
