April 25, 2008 9:56 PM
Working through your history with your mom
Received this from a reader and asked to share it. Thought it would make for some good conversation and insights:
My mother was here (from the Midwest where I grew up) and it was driving me crazy the way she kept interfering with my parenting and stepping in on discipline issues. That didn't sit well with me for a couple of reasons. One was that I felt she was inadvertently saying, "You're not doing this right," to me and to my husband. A throwback to my years under her roof when she expected perfection from me.But I was furious when, while she was here, she would grab things out of my kids' hands or scold them in a way that took no account of their feelings or perspective. At first I couldn't understand why it was bothering me as much as it was, but then I read what you had to say about how we mirror the parenting that we receive and that we have to work to do things differently.
My mom was no where near the disaster it sounds like yours was, but my father left when I was 5 and my mother played the martyr ever after. When I saw her being less than kind to my own kids (although I truly think she thought she was helping) I realized that that's how she dealt with my brother and me as kids. Talk about striking a nerve!
The mother/daughter bond is very complex. It can take years to work through. Yes, I know Jesus can heal in an instant, but I think this kind of healing is more often a process. Sometimes you're just taking baby steps.
What's it been like for you - and how do you handle situations like this?
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
Comments
ugh. I guess what I go through with my mom is that she'll say "They're wild!"...no mom they are 2 two year olds! My mom lives in a museum. Her house is perfect and I don't think she wants us over there messing up anything. My mom doesn't have one toy for the kids. As far as interfering, I guess it's only happened when one of the kids throws something off the table or has their hands in their mouth. She more or less makes comments that I think are uncalled for.
Posted by: Shannon Best | April 25, 2008 11:52 PM
I'm in the same position. My mom tries to discipline my kids - mostly by guilty coercion, promising to buy them things, or by spanking them - and also tramples, disregards, or dismisses my parenting.
In my peer group, I'm considered to be "the strict mom" to the point of being unreasonable yet my mother constantly says to my kids "well, you MAY be able to act that way at home, but you won't act that way HERE." They're TWO and FOUR, Mom, not teenagers!
She also pesters me constantly about bringing the kids the 6 hour round trip often saying that since she's now had cancer (melanoma which she is now free of) she wants them around her...well, what about BEFORE? You didn't want to see them until YOU were sick. I also feel like responding "has it not occurred to you that, even as an only child, every time I move, I move farther away from my hometown?"
My mom has repeatedly requested that I bring my daughter and leave her alone with her for several days and in the next breath says that once I'm not around she'll disregard any wishes I have with regards to the kids.
Despite claiming to be a believer she also teaches my daughter what we feel are inappropriate things like telling her to "shake her money-maker", "maybe she'll grow up to be a rock-n-roller like me", "you could be a go-go dancer", using the Lord's name in vain, and how to put her hands on her hips and respond to me "with attitude" using the argument that she wants my daughter to be strong and independent. *sigh*
How do I honor a mother that has no regard for me and actively, consciously, and willfully tries to undo the Christian upbringing I'm trying to instill?
Posted by: Beth/Mom2TwoVikings | April 28, 2008 11:01 AM
