May 14, 2008 8:36 AM
When the mom/teacher role doesn't work
I'm rushing out the door this morning, but there's a topic I've wanted to bring up for a while. It came up in a discussion I was having with another mom the other day, and I want us all to hear a variety of thoughts on this topic -
When being a teacher interferes with your role as mom.
While I know that may sound strange coming from me - since I am an advocate of the parent-as-teacher role - I want you to know that I understand from personal experience that with certain children it just doesn't work well.
Children are different and God has an individual plan for each one. Our job is to stay attuned to the Holy Spirit and follow the right direction for each child.
Which is why I believe it's wrong to set out homeschooling with the mindset that you will homeschool every child every year for their entire education. Believe me, I set out that way myself, and only learned from personal experience how that sets you up to be judgmental and self-righteous - not a good place for any Christian to be nor a good role model for kids.
I do not believe that God wants believers to abandon public education. Therefore, it stands to reason He will call some on to that path.
I've also learned from experience - my fourth child - that insisting on carrying out the dual role of mother and teacher can sometimes wreak havoc on the mother part of the relationship. It was at that point - when I surrendered and put my second son in seventh grade after six years of homeschooling - that I had to revisit my own prejudice, give up my own plans, and ask God in humility to show me what He wanted for each of my children.
Oh! I would like to finish this, but must go meet with the people at the high school Jonny is transitioning to next year (more on that later). I have a couple other points I want to make in this discussion, but think I'll save them for Part 2 and Part 3.
For today, I'd really like to hear from you all who breathe a sigh of relief when you hear you don't need to feel guilty because you couldn't make the teaching role work in your relationship with a child or two.
I know a lot of moms would like to hear from those who've made what can be a difficult decision - to delegate your child's education to others.
Posted in Homeschooling, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
I home-educate my four children; ages 11,9,9, and 6. When my hubby and I felt led to home-school, we prayed about it and decided that we would only do this "year to year", evaluating every summer what would need to be done for the next year. I fully realize that I may not always be able to teach them! But I also do hope that we will be able to home teach them at least through middle school....
I do try to be very positive about public schooling. We have a very qualified public school here that I would pretty much feel okay with my kids entering into. I let them know in various ways that if they would have to go into public school, that they would adjust.
I appreciate your openness(SP?) about your home-educating experience. Thanks for sharing!
Becky
Posted by: B | May 14, 2008 10:12 AM
Oh Barbara. Thank you.
I've been a home educator for 3 years. I have said some of the rudest, self-righteous things to non-homeschoolers and homeschoolers alike (No God-fearing Christian would EVER send their child to public school!). I literally had myself talked into homeschool being some sort of prerequisite for true salvation. I could smack myself and I severely need to apologize to some friends.
Also, like you, I have 2 children with special health & educational needs and I was always scared to do public school for fear they would not get the care they needed, or worse, perhaps even be abused and not be able to tell me what was going on. I often used that as a pot-shot against public schoolers as well. (I am really ashamed of myself, I honestly am).
You see, it all changed when my husband all but lost his job this past year. He is still working but it is very, very spotty. We went from a very upper middle class income to a very LOW middle class income in one day. And he is not able to find a better paying job no matter how hard he looks and interviews. People aren't paying for lawns to be mowed and things like that right now---so a "side" job is not a quick fix either.
We have done everything humanly possible to fix it---we've cut costs, all we know to do (I've been a SAHM for 7 years so the whole "cancel cable!" is not a new idea to me).
It just wasn't working. At some point, the only way to solve our problem is to get the income to go up. So I took a job as a middle school teacher and I will return to the classroom full time in August. It was a decision that was heart-wrenching at best...and I really did not want to give up homeschooling.
But, thru it all I have been humbled and my eyes have been opened. I am very sorry for the superior attitude I held and I realize that many good God-fearing people have no choice but to use public education, and moreso, some WANT to be that witness in the schools.
I feel like a fool sometimes.
Many of my also superior homeschooling friends have quit talking to me and have pretty much thrown our "friendships" away simply because I'm quitting homeschool and putting my kids in public school.
Unfortunately, many homeschoolers hold the "you're either for us or against us!" attitude towards the world. I firmly believe in public education. But sadly, I also believe we are living in a very dire economy, some areas worse than others. Most families need two incomes these days.
Posted by: TheNormalMiddle | May 14, 2008 12:06 PM
Oh yes, it's so easy to judge when we think we know it all, isn't it? I taught all three of my children all the way through except for one year. I still think that homeschooling is the best option for most kids. But now I'm raising my two more little boys and one is approaching school age and the youngest one is showing autistic tendencies. And to be honest, I do not want to homeschool them. I love them dearly, but I just don't feel like I have it in me to give them the best education I can. Fortunately we still have another year to make this decision, but if we put them in public school I will not feel guilty. I will be an involved mom and help them do their best. Thanks for your post today.
Posted by: Kris | May 14, 2008 12:17 PM
Thank you soo much for this post. I homeschooled for eleven years. We put our children in public school for the first time this school year. I tied myself up in knots for eleven years trying to be as good at homeschooling as so and so. Not only are some children not equipped to be homeschooled, there are mothers who are not equipped to be homeschoolers. With a lot of prayer and honesty with myself and my character, we decided this was the best decision for our family.
I also agree that God does not want us to abandon the public school system. My eleventh grade daughter is an awesome witness to her friends. Some of these kids have no one to give them a positive influence. It is an honor to have their unbelieving friends over so they can see a godly example of family life.
As in the case with the previous comment I,too,
felt homeschooling was the only option for god-fearing christians who truly love their children. I am also ashamed for my lack of understanding and pride.
Again, what a joy to read this post!
Posted by: Katrina | May 14, 2008 12:55 PM
Oh, I am glad to read this post. I too have mixed feelings and mixed messages about homeschooling my kids. I want the VERY best education for them, but I also want for my husband to be able to retire his high stress job before he is 70. It's hard to make a living with kids at home all the time. In my area, a 1800 sq foot house is over $250,000, and the median income is about $28,000. How can you raise a family on that? I still think of myself as the primary educator for my children, but I also recognize there are other teachers who can teach my kids things I cannot, or might not. It's not hard to figure out why we have a plethora of daycares in our area. Everyone needs to make enough for groceries, and all the usual expenses for a little family.
Posted by: Imajackson | May 14, 2008 2:42 PM
Aren't mom & teacher one in the same? I think the trouble lies in trying to treat the one as two different things and separating them. Learning does not have to be in an institutionalized box. Life and learning intertwine and weave through each other... from birth. It's not my job, so much, to teach, as it is to give my children the tools of learning, so that they are always learning, whether or not I am holding their hand through it all.
Posted by: Hindsfeet | May 14, 2008 2:45 PM
ahhhh, this is a refreshing post to read! I homeschooled for 3 years and definitely had a prideful attitude that it is the best way, only way, and on and on. I have older sisters who homeschooled their children all the way through so when I decided I just couldn't do it anymore I felt a tremendous sense of failure as a mother and as a child of God. 2 of my children are in public school this year...due to burnout (and I was even towards the unschooling end of the spectrum) and that being their full-time teacher stole the joy of being a wife, mom and homemaker. I have LOVED this year so much...free from the pressures of homeschooling, free to trust the Sovereign and Good hand of the Lord in my life and in theirs, free from fears of the "world" and free to glory in my husband, children and home. I am now more loving, compassionate and grace-filled towards hurting/confused mamas (and towards myself) and offer freedom to them and not the burdens that it seemed I was always being offered.
Posted by: Aimee | May 14, 2008 4:13 PM
No kidding! We just had to change our plans, after most of the local schools do most of their recruiting. But his needs changed, and we went looking. It's inconvenient and a lot of people we know will be disappointed in our decision.
If it weren't so stressful, it would be comical: a friend with kids in public school prayed for me & called to tell me to put him in public schools. Another friend who's militantly pro-homeschool prayed for me & called to tell me to homeschool. A third friend with kids in Catholic schools listened, prayed, and didn't tell me what to do. Guess who I'm going to call first?
Posted by: Cecilia | May 14, 2008 4:31 PM
It's a new, prayerful decision for each child every year. That's our motto. Children are very different from one another in abilities, personality and needs, parents are different, circumstances change, needs fluctuate,and God calls individuals to different places for his sovereign purposes.
If you really think about it objectively, it's crazy to think that there could be one-size-fits-all right answers in education and parenting, yet dogma abounds. That's one grace of having a child with special needs, isn't it? The curveballs in your situation often don't allow you to settle comfortably into a dogma for long. Probably likewise with having many children-- it's more likely that, sooner or later, you'll encounter a little individual in your family who just will not fit into your theories and chosen mold. (If God had given me my gifted second-born first, instead of my child with special needs and a challenging personality that conflicts with mine, I'm sure I would have been completely insufferable!)
It's very true that some individual parent-child relationships are less well-suited to homeschooling than others. But I do want to add that this alone does not mean that homeschooling is the wrong path for you. God sometime calls us to unlikely and difficult things.
I'm now homeschooling the child who actually drove me AWAY from my initial intentions to homeschool years ago, not only by his special needs, but by the way his personality and mine just do NOT go together! I now homeschool everyone, but he is the only one I really want to just send somewhere else for education. The thing is, after having crashed and burned in an outside school after 4 1/2 years of struggling through, there have been NO other good schooling options for him. God clearly led me to homeschool him and, knowing the personality difficulties that could easily lead me to just chuck it all with him, has slammed and locked this door behind us for now!
So is the mom/teacher role "working" for us? Not really. It sucks me dry, and my reactions are often not what they should be. Yet God has clearly called me to homeschool this child for now. (I ten to add the "for now"... God gives me no hint of time frame!)
God sometimes does lead us into tough places for our good and His glory, though I may not realize exactly what He's working on. Nothing like rough sandpaper to make a rough, splintery mess smooth. Apparently I am a rough,splintery mess. OK, nothing like a fiery furnace to purify gold? There, that analogy has a better ring to it... =)
Anyway, my point is that I could so easily say that doing the difficult task of homeschooling this child is not for me because the mom/teacher thing is extremely difficult. And I want to! But it's remains the right thing.
I totally understand that you're addressing those who will not waver on a homeschooling decision-- or who won't give others the grace to choose differently-- even in the face of evidence that it might not be the right thing for them at that time. Just wanted to add this angle from my current experience.
Posted by: Marian | May 14, 2008 4:37 PM
Wow, I really loved reading these posts. Barbara, I admire your wisdom. I once thought I would have a large family and homeschool. I realized that the was not God's plan for me or my kids. I think flexibility is so essential.
Posted by: PM | May 14, 2008 7:32 PM
Rather than repeat it, I hope you'll forgive me linking my story of how our homeschooling adventure of 16 years was phased out over three years, as all nine went to school. (It's actually the third of four homeschooling explanation posts.) As God would have it, two of them are finishing out this year in homeschool again; while I can't claim a change of heart, I am grateful that the experience left me that option.
Posted by: Kalynne Pudner | May 15, 2008 12:40 PM
This is a great point. H.schoolers can get self righteous, and it's legalism........I agree, too that God doesn't want all Christians completely pulling out of the p.school system.....
I have heard other moms say that they could not teach their child, and many haven't even tried......So I agree that it's best to listen to the holy spirit, and give it at least 1 year if you feel called to homeschool.
Here in California, I am watching what is going on. I have not been entirely opposed to p.school, but the Lord would have to really place it on my heart.......One of the things I really respect about many Christian mothers is that they are INVOLVED in the p.school, like you Barbara. I think staying involved is so key to the experience. With my introverted personality and 4 kids, I think it would be a struggle to stay involved like I should be........But I realize too that God sometimes changes the plan. I am very pro homeschooling, but also try very hard not to be legalistic about it as well.
Posted by: Lisa | May 15, 2008 3:04 PM
I agree with this so much. I always intended to homeschool. I was homeschooled myself and always assumed that's what I would do. I joined a co-op, figured out what curriculum I wanted, etc. Then God allowed (sent?) a major health crisis and homeschooling became impossible. Not only did I not have the energy to do it, but my oldest child desperately needed the stability and routine provided by school. He actually started in a little Christian school, which he loved, but we were on a wait list for the public charter school. Just a few weeks after he started at the private school, the charter school called with an opening. It was a really hard choice, but we did move him and he's still there (and loves it!).
I still think I could do a better job, but the reality is that having my child in school has given me a lot of freedom to recover and to develop personally. I still have two younger ones at home and my husband and I frequently discuss our children's educational futures. My middle child is much more free-spirited than my older child and at four years old is learning to read. My fear is that she'll be bored to death in kindergarten, which is still a year away.
My husband and I are so grateful for the choice of a classical education charter school. While not perfect by any means (it's a new school and is still working out some kinks), I do feel the academics are superior to general public schooling. And the environment is amazing - parents commit to 50 hours of volunteer work a year and many parents do more. There are a lot of Christians and former homeschoolers at this school, so there's always parents hanging around. And my son, who's in first grade, loves to read and is already learning multiplication!
It's still hard and I envy my friends who homeschool. I sometimes feel like I should just "buck up" and do it. But I fear that I would not handle well the mom/teacher role. My energy level is still too low, my fuse too short and my grasp on sanity and happiness too weak. For me, I feel I do better by my kids when I can be their advocate and cheerleader instead of their taskmaster. And even though he's away from home 40 hours a week (including drive time to school - there's no bussing), my son still loves to spend time with and hug his mommy. He's confident, curious and eager to learn. What more do I really want?
Posted by: Lucy | May 16, 2008 11:57 PM
