June 30, 2008 10:10 PM
Family skeletons - breaking free
This is very heavy and very long. You will need to click below to read the entire story - which I think some of you may find worth it:
In January 2007 I shared with readers how my father had contacted me after 20 years through Classmates.com in An Unexpected Christmas Gift from My Dad.
It was a good story, heartwarming and full of hope. A story of triumph of the spirit, triumph of the spirit of forgiveness
However, there was a huge back story I chose not to go into in light of the beginning rapprochement.
A couple months ago I learned some shocking news and I've wondered how and when to share it. I've wondered if I should share it.
I guess in the end my decision is based on a basic belief I have: that in using my gift of communication and opening my life - the good, the bad, and the ugly - to show what and how God is teaching me I can honor God and maximize this promise:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 NIV
I do love God. And am so grateful for how he has helped me overcome a rough beginning. And feel that part of my purpose is lighting the way for others who've had those rough starts - to encourage them and give them hope.
Since I wrote that post, my dad continued to forward emails to me - humor, inspiration, pictures, etc. Nothing very deep, although once in a while he would share stuff about my heritage . . . .
. . . . his mom was Italian and from a family that at one time were a traveling theater group (interesting in light of our family's love of drama), my grandfather was Dutch. They were divorced when he was young. My father left my mother in 1954 when I was 6 and we had no contact with him until I was 10. But during that time, I lived in a foster home and also with my very unhappy Nana (his mom) in Newtown Square, PA, and sometimes with my Aunt Ginger and Uncle Leo who had a big rollicking home with 8 kids in West Chester PA. Sometimes we lived with my mom. When I was 10 and living in Washington, DC, my mother sent me to live with my dad and his wife and their new baby for a year in Oklahoma City, then had the sheriff pick me up to put me on a plane for home.
I never saw or heard from my father again until I was 18 and he called me at work (A.T&T in Washington, DC) to ask me out to dinner. More on this encounter later.
Then he disappeared until I was 22 or so and he suddenly appeared on the scene to start dating my mom who had just divorced her third husband. She was ecstatic as I recall - until he just as suddenly disappeared with no forwarding address or explanation.
When I got sober in Alcoholics Anonymous in 1980, I was a single mom with two daughters trying to catch up with my life. The way I figure it, I had put a lot on hold (sexual abuse and assault in the foster home, etc) when I picked up my first drink. For a while I accomplished a lot of positive things: marriage, baby, college education, becoming a Montessori teacher. I had a strong will to transcend my background and make something meaningful of my life.
In some ways, alcohol and drugs were working for me as they kept the demons of my past at bay and allowed me to build some sort of foundation for the future.
But the foundation was built on sand – my own efforts. I did not know God then. I was just getting by. And my genetic predisposition toward alcoholism (my mom was from a big Irish family in which almost all of the 12 kids turned out to be alcoholic), plus my lack of spiritual awareness/moral compass/selfawareness and my subconscious desire to blot out the pain of the past eventually overcame all the positive stuff in my life.
I’ve written elsewhere of my downward spiral.
Getting sober, I learned through the 12 Steps how to take an searching and honest moral inventory, to stop blaming others and to instead look at how I’d hurt others myself. I leaned the importance of making amends. I saw a counselor and began to look at my past.
Which brings me to my father again. This time – in 1981 - I initiated the contact with him. I was 33 years old and trying to put the pieces of my life back together and thought maybe this was something I should do. There’s a lot to this story but first I just want to do a timeline.
After that visit I heard from my father again in 1985 when he came to visit shortly after Tripp and I had our second child. It was weird. He asked me when I was going to lose weight (I was a mother of four 5’5” who weighed 165 postpartum - I sometimes wonder if that triggered my irrational weight gain over the next 20 years, though it's ultimately my responsibility).
So then no contact until 2007 when he emailed me out of the blue, having found me on Classmates. Since he still lives in the Midwest, all our contact was by email.
Although there was some stuff to forgive (which I’ll get into later, and which goes beyond abandonment) I was ready to let God take this relationship where He would. I’m truly an optimist and most inclined to trust people. And because I’ve been through so many changes myself, perhaps, I assume the best – that other people can and do change for the better too.
However, I received some very disturbing news from my brother in Texas a few months ago. We don’t talk often but I had had to contact him about something. We were commiserating about the brother in between us in age – who is a convicted and unrepentant pedophile. I don’t know if I’ve shared that here, but I might as well now because it gets worse.
My brother told me that my father – now 80 years old is also a convicted pedophile. So I looked it up on the National Sex Offenders Registry and sure enough, there was the very aged (and somewhat creepy) face of the man I last saw 20 years ago. And there was the conviction from ten years ago, which involved a minor.
I wasn’t sure what to do at first, but the next time my father wrote to ask me if I remembered seeing a certain movie with him when I was a little girl, I wrote back:
Dear Dad -I don't remember that. I do remember your showing me the Northern Lights when we lived in Alaska. And I remember our trip down to California and getting very carsick :)
Dad, I need to ask you what happened that you are on the National Sex Offenders Registry. Did you know that your oldest son is on it too? He was found guilty of molesting his daughter when she was a teenager. He has never taken responsibility for his actions - thinks it was not his fault, etc.
Where are you with your issues? Dad, you are getting older and need to be thinking about what will happen when you die. Have you set these things right? Have you ever apologized to the people you hurt in the past? I'm asking not because I'm your judge - I'm not and my life has been full of sin too - but I think it's important to those we harmed that we take responsibility and let them know that we are sorry.
Dad, has anyone told you that the way to forgiveness is through Jesus? Have you ever told God you were sorry and committed your life to him? And - as I asked before - have you made amends to those you have harmed?
As I get older, I am filled with sadness for the people I have hurt and the wrong choices I've made. There's nothing I can do to change those things, but I know it helps that people know I take responsibility and am sorry for hurting them.
wishing you only the best -
love,
barbara
My father wrote me back a very hostile, contemptuous letter in which he said I must be a pervert for hanging around browsing through the National Sex Offenders Registry. And of course, the usual “How can you call yourself a Christian?” rage. Plus a seven-page attachment documenting this whole story of how he knew this woman who was a drug addict who he’d been trying to help and she had a 12-year old daughter who he offered to “watch” while the mom went out of town. And how it just so happened that my father’s third wife was out of town that weekend too, which left him with 2 tickets to a musical and no one to go with. So he took this girl, who spent two nights in his house while her mother was gone.
Nineteen days later he was served with a civil lawsuit as well as having criminal charges against him. He presented a huge rationale – that this drug addict mom was just out to get his money, he’d been set up, the laws were stacked against him, and so on.
What was so sad was that of all the people in the world he could have lied to, I was the one most likely to know he was lying. I could hardly believe he was telling me this.
Had he forgotten?
I wrote back:
Dear Dad -Just to clarify: I am not lurking around the Sex Offender Registry. Someone we both know told me about it.
I am sorry that the words I tried to find to share my concern with you were too clumsy for you to hear what I was saying without rancor. People who know me would tell you that I am far from a person of superficial religiosity. As I said in my email, I am a person who has sinned and hurt many people in my lifetime. I've found comfort in finding a Heavenly Father who provided for the forgiveness of my sins through the sacrifice of his son Jesus. Since I surrendered my life to Him on March 21, 1987, I have become a transformed person. Yes, that means I am living a productive and sacrificial life (I adopted three kids with disabilities, something I could never have done in my previous self-centeredness), but if anything, I am more aware of my shortcomings and my need for a Savior.
Which is why I wanted to share this with you - not as an accusation, but as a mirror - we all need a Savior whether we acknowledge it or not.
I was molested and raped as an eight year old in a foster home. My attackers denied it too. My brother denied any fault in having incest with his daughter; though he admitted it happened, he believed it was mutual and harmless.
This is typical.
Dad, you have may have forgotten, but you tried to seduce me in your hotel room after you took me to dinner in Washington, DC when I was 18. When I was 32 I came to visit you in San Antonio and was surprised when I arrived to find Donna out of town. That night you invited me to your bed. I was so scared!!!! Alone in the country with no car or way out. I felt like I was in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. I don't know if you know that I actually piled all the furniture up against the door of my room that night.
You sulked for several days and when I confronted you, you said that there was nothing wrong with a father and daughter having sex. I explained that at that point in my life - getting off drugs and alcohol - I did not need more trouble and confusion in my relationships with men. I needed a dad.
You rose to the occasion and I have a tender memory of you holding me in your arms - innocently - and rocking me while I cried the tears of decades of abandonment and confusion. I thank God that you did not exploit me.
But Dad, I must say that yes, it is hard to believe in your innocence when I have seen mental/emotional confusion in you myself.
If I were truly just a person filled with religiosity, I would have scorned your attempt to reestablish our relationship. My life is full to the brim and I am not an emotionally needy person. But my faith teaches me to be compassionate and to forgive and to love. It was in that spirit that I answered your correspondence.
And it was in that spirit that I confronted you about this part of your past.
You will die soon. You need to make peace with your Creator. That is the truth. And love compels me to share that with you.
from another sinner who found grace and forgiveness,
barbaraPS you don't have to answer, really.
He never has.
Why am I sharing this very personal story? Because I believe that it’s important to bring this kind of stuff out into the open. Because I believe – no, I know – that there are others out there with this kind of garbage in their backgrounds who feel ashamed and unworthy. Because even today in spite of my ENTJ personality – which helped me survive – there is a part of me that feels like an imposter, undeserving of love. And because the only way to deal with the voice of the Accuser is to take away the secrets that he uses to keep you in chains.
I share it because in a very dramatic way my life truly reflects how great a Deliverer our God is. Because anyone who is or has been in the midst of human pain and suffering needs to know that that is not what God is all about. Yes, we live in a sinful world and people hurt us and we hurt them. But through it all God loves us and is always reaching for us, extending mercy and offering deliverance.
Coming from a background like mine – so full of sin and suffering and shame – there is absolutely no explanation for the transformation in my life other than God’s work.
I actually began my journey toward healing before I became a Christian – when I helped establish an advocacy group called San Francisco Women Against Rape, where I was able to help in the limited way I was able to help.
But later, as a sober woman and a new Christian, when I wondered why God had let those terrible things happen that happened to me as a child, I almost immediately understood how they had been used to shape me into the woman I’d become. I loved the story of Joseph, who could have been bitter against those who harmed him, but who recognized God's sovereign plan for his life:
Don't you see, you planned evil against me but God used those same plans for my good, as you see all around you right now—life for many people. Genesis 50:20 translation: The Message
I knew that God – even though I knew nothing of Him then – was there all along, and that even as people hurt me, they hurt Him too. Just as later when I hurt others, I would be hurting Him as well.
This is the nature of sin. And once we realize how imperfect we are, we can hardly blame anyone again. But that’s not to say we can’t call it what it is.
I don’t know – maybe there are families out there who are as perfect as they look. I just think that the struggle to keep up the façade or to pretend that we’re not hurting is a form of bondage and keeps us under the control of the Enemy.
One way God uses writers is to push us towards transparency about our own lives to help others deal with theirs.
So that’s this part of my story, this week’s message in a bottle. Now it’s up to God to bring the right people to read it :)
Please pray for my father and my brother. And pray for my family, who have to deal with a mom whose life has become such an open book. How nice it would be to have a mom like everyone else's! And really, how I wish myself that that's how it could be . . . .
But it's through our stories - as twisted and warped as those we read in the Bible - that we see that God has never changed. Can you see God's forgiveness, grace and love in my life? Because really, that's what I want you to see.
Comments
I think it's wonderful that you've shared your story and I'm sure God will use it in many people's lives. Your love and forgiveness towards your dad are a great example. Brings to mind Psalm 27:1. God bless you.
Posted by: Ashley | June 30, 2008 11:19 PM
Barbara,
You are all the more precious to me for your honest and vulnerable sharing. I will be praying for your father and your brother.
May your courage be a bridge for others to cross from death to life, from the bondage of sin to life and freedom in Christ.
I am in the process of working through my own history and believe God will use my growth to encourage others to break free also.
Thanks for using your life in so many wonderful ways, not the least of which is today's post.
Posted by: Elizabeth M Thompson | July 1, 2008 12:27 AM
Thanks for taking the time to share. I am guessing that was a painful process to write that all out, albeit a healing one as well.
Posted by: Stretch Mark Mama | July 1, 2008 12:28 AM
What a brave post Barbara.
I truly don't know what to say, except I admire the way in which you wrote to your father. A very compassionate and caring letter.
Wilm in NZ
Posted by: Wilm | July 1, 2008 12:56 AM
Barbara, the beauty of Christ shines through you. This must've been so hard to share. May God be glorified through your willing and open heart.
Posted by: Kim | July 1, 2008 1:03 AM
God has truly touched you and used you to bring comfort to others. I somewhat want to model my life after how open, supportive, and loving you are. I am glad that you shared this story. I have often struggled with sharing things on my own blog for fear that the other parties involved would be offended. Has that ever been an issue for you?
Posted by: Ceci | July 1, 2008 3:30 AM
I am new to your blog, but appreciate your honesty in sharing this story about your father. My father and mother divorced about two years ago. My mom had a stroke about 9 months later due to the stress of the divorce and now she is living with me full time. My father was unfaithful and abusive to my mom. The Lord protected me and I only suffered the emotional abuse of witnessing everything around me. I really have not talked to my father in a long time, but your post reminds me to give grace as I have been given grace by Christ. Thank you! I can relate in a small way to your pain.
Posted by: Marianne | July 1, 2008 8:04 AM
Barbara:
Thanks for sharing this VERY personal story. I wish I could send you a hug. Thank God for you and your honesty. I love you for it.
Posted by: suzanne | July 1, 2008 9:55 AM
Barbara, thank you for your candor! When my mom was close to death years ago she too told me about her father's dark past. It made many elements of her personality make sense years later as I remembered her. We ALL have family members who make crummy and selfish choices in spite of what is good, healthy or right. I already pray my own kids don't have to recover from my mess of parenting! So we are all in the same place really. Thank you for your realism, it only honors Christ in this case!
Posted by: Imajackson | July 1, 2008 10:24 AM
Thank you so much for your transparency, Barbara! I feel as if we have shared many of the same hurts and I feel like I know you. One day, on the other side of eternity, you will meet all the people whose lives were changed by the great Healer because you pointed them to Him. How great a testimony. How great is our precious Jesus who can take the ugliest, base, vile things of our lives and turn them into something beautiful.
I will be praying for your dad and your brother.
Love,
Libby
Posted by: Libby | July 1, 2008 10:37 AM
Hello again! I haven't commented in a while due to an early bird baby (#4) in January and some teething babies since then, but have been visiting none the less.
I have a book recommendation that I think would be great especially after all of this in your life lately. It is The Hawk and the Dove by Penelope Wilcock. It is a fictional trilogy (now in one book) about a Benedictine monastery in another century (please don't ask which one because I have No idea!!) In trying to describe it to you, I'm failing in words. Reviewers on amazon have done a good job in description.
Love and prayers
Sara
Posted by: Sara | July 1, 2008 12:17 PM
Thank you for sharing that with us Barbara. It's inspiring to me. My childhood family has its own skeletons so to speak and I am working to ensure that my own future children don't have a life with unknown secrets that cause more pain than exposing the secrets to light would bring. It's amazing how we take away their power when we shed light on them. May God continue to bless you and use you to bless others.
Posted by: Katie B. | July 1, 2008 1:19 PM
"I don’t know – maybe there are families out there who are as perfect as they look. I just think that the struggle to keep up the façade or to pretend that we’re not hurting is a form of bondage and keeps us under the control of the Enemy."
I have been thinking much the same thoughts the last few days ~ I've been privy to much heartache on several different fronts recently. Some from homes that seemed so "ideal" from the outside.
Is it any wonder so many of us are so tired - at least mentally and emotionally?! It takes a lot of work to stuff everything down and hide everything inside.
I'll be praying for your dad and brother. And for you, too, Barbara.
your sister in Christ,
Kari
Posted by: Kari | July 1, 2008 2:42 PM
Barbara,
You are very brave indeed. I know that you are simply being obedient to the Lord by sharing with us all...and that He will work in your life and in your family's life and in your reader's lives because of your obedience.
I am very sorry for your years of pain...I know that's not what you want us to focus on...but I am still sorry for the young woman (you) who had to live through all of that. I continue to be amazed and blessed by how far God has brought you and how He has worked in your life.
Love -
Holly
Posted by: Holly | July 1, 2008 3:15 PM
Barbara,
If I could hug you I would. Let me know the next time you're driving through Harrisonburg and maybe I actually will :) I live about 40 miles due west.
I commend your faith in humanity and understand your hope that your father had/will change. As Christians we are blessed with knowing that all things are possible through Christ our Lord.
I urge you, though, to reconsider whether or not you have contact with this man, whether or not he has changed. Forgiving your father for the pain and suffering he has created in your life in no way obligates you to have anything to do with him.
Forgiving someone also does not mean that they are some how excused from the consequences of their actions. To me, a logical consequence of his repeated behavior towards you (and the poor girl(s) he was raped) is that he is not welcome in your life.
Severing ties with him wouldn't be about "revenge" or "spite" or "malice," it would be what you need to do to keep yourself emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually safe.
Obviously the choice in yours and yours alone and above all you need to follow God's will in your life. I just wanted to present another way of looking at the situation. I have seen all too often women who pursue relationships with unhealthy men (be they fathers or husbands) at all costs only to be devastated yet again by the man's actions.
Please take care of yourself, Barbara. As I type this I am praying that you may know God's will for you regarding this situation.
~Anna
Posted by: Anna Keiter | July 1, 2008 5:15 PM
Thanks everyone. I know many of you have been through painful stuff so even though the exact circumstances may be different, the challenge of working through the feelings are much the same.
Anna, I feel no obligation at all to my father. It is clear that I will not have a relationship with him unless and until he is honest about his situation. Although I was willing to forgive my brother for his hideous sins when I found out, I broke off relationship with him when he copped the same belligerent, unrepentant attitude.
It's also interesting that I never in my life hooked up with men who were abusive or exploitative n any way. If anything, I was the one who exploited them. You know, the stereotypical promiscuity in reaction to the early abuse.
I am truly at peace about this all - thank the Lord. Plus my life is too full to get stuck in one place :)
Posted by: barbara | July 1, 2008 5:26 PM
Thanks Barbara!
Posted by: Lisa | July 1, 2008 6:30 PM
Thank you for sharing such a personal story, Barbara. It means a lot. This really touched me deeply.
Posted by: Gen | July 1, 2008 7:30 PM
"And because the only way to deal with the voice of the Accuser is to take away the secrets that he uses to keep you in chains."
AMEN! This post is a blow to him, as will be any other secrets brought into the light as a result of it.
Beauty from ashes.
Posted by: Marian | July 1, 2008 7:56 PM
Thank you for sharing this story Barbara, it is comforting to know other families have both love and ugliness within them. Your excellent writing and truth-telling are why I keep coming back to your blog, despite our differences in political opinion.
Posted by: Alison | July 1, 2008 10:30 PM
You were very brave to share this story. I will pray for you, your niece, and the rest of your family.
Posted by: Jarret | July 1, 2008 10:56 PM
Barbara, you did a great job telling a dark story in a Christ-filled, hope-full way. Thanks!
Posted by: Becky Miller | July 2, 2008 5:06 PM
Thanks for your honesty. I too have a story much like yours.
All my life I have wondered why some people have to travel what seems like a more difficult road in life than others, some how it seemed unfair. As a child I was witness to many things that in a perfect world no adult would have to endure.
I was only 4 or 5 years old when my non-Christian parents ended their rocky marriage. My mother began struggling to sort out the many pieces of her shattered dreams and hold together what was left of our household. Life only seemed to pile up with hardships after my family was broken as it does for many children of divorce.
After the divorce dad dropped out of the picture in every way imaginable, that is except for the couple of lines he would drop on an annual basis sometimes including a dollar bill for me to spend.
Mom did the best she could at the time to provide a stable home. Unfortunately our best with out Christ is not enough in many circumstances as she would later come to recognize and apologize for after coming into a relationship with the Savior. I love her for her tender spirit.
.
I was raised in the Deep South where I lived in a 2 bedroom trailer with up to 10 extended family members at times, including 3 single mothers and 7 children. The conditions were less than desirable. There were a couple of holes in the floor where an opossum would sneak in at night to eat my cat’s food. In one particular room the taller adults would have to duck their heads so as not to have them rub the ceiling that was falling in.
The party was always at our house. It was a regular occurrence to be in a room full with load music, drugs and booze. Often times I didn’t know who it was I was stepping over in the morning wearing remnants of their own sickness from the night before on their clothing.
Sometimes we would run out of food. After a day or two of eating mostly hot cereal or grabbing the last cold hot dog or slice of government cheese from the refrigerator I would find myself at my grandparent for what seemed like weeks probably until mom could restock the cabinets.
Some of the first memories I have are of being sexually abused ranging from family members to my mother’s boyfriend. Around the age of eight my mom remarried and we moved with her new husband.
My new dad didn’t like me and he didn’t mind telling me every reason why. I was too fat, stupid, clumsy or too much like my mother. Many of his fondest names for me were 4 lettered words that I can’t repeat. During this time we were isolated and I developed an unexplainable stutter and a tremor.
The difference with this marriage is instead of me praying nightly for my dad to come home again, I prayed that we would leave and never come back while covering my ears to shield the sounds of blows and screams as my step dad in a drug enhanced rage beat my mother. Being forbid to talk to anyone about home life I felt so alone.
One night after witnessing my step dad attempt to kill my mother by strangling her with a telephone cord and simultaneously beating her with the receiver my prayer was finally answered. We narrowly escaped in the car as he threw a 2x4 at the windshield.
There were men in and out of my life some promising to stay until one finally did. My mom remarried and we moved across country to Michigan with my new step father #2. They both had been married before and came with much baggage making for an unpredictable home.
As a teen my new step dad had become more of a father to me than any had been before but the regular screaming and screeching tires as threats of leaving were made never allowed my wounds to heal. I was always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me again.
Now 13 years old in my new town I had fast established myself with a crowd of friends that I could relate to. I began living the life that I was modeled, a mouth like a sailor, smoking, sexually active, even drinking and experimenting with drugs when given the opportunity. I did add something of my own to the mix though, I had become a mastered shop lifting. I would be accepted by my peers at any cost.
Later the false senseof control over young men my age being sexually active gave me, help set me up to be a victim again. I was date rapped by a boy who wouldn’t take no for an answer.
I was an empty shell, always trying to escape the pain of my past while nervously awaiting the next blow up at home or from with in. A teen with a smart mouth and a step dad with an anger problem don’t mix well.
One thing my new friends did do for me was take me to church. We were bus kids all from non-Christian families and church was a place we could hang out. I came to find Christ at 13 and he began to change my life. Then a great thing happened. Seeing my transformation in Christ my parents began attending church, got saved and involved in church.
I would like to be able to tell you that home life was easy from there but it wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong we had good times and shared many laughs but although my family was trying to live a Christian life we were all still hurting deep inside. We were still time bombs waiting to go off and frequently did.
I was visiting my father on summer break two years in a row when something more than the typical family reunion occurred. This fragile and hurting teen who so desperately sought approval and wanted to fit into the family I barely new met an adult cousin whom seduced my emotions and body. My already scarred heart became scorched even more by confusion, bitterness and shame. It would take me years to sort out this scandalous affair for what it was, manipulation and abuse.
I had begun dating the pastor’s son at the church where we attended. After a several years of courtship we talked about the possibility of a life together as man and wife one day. I began to dream of and make promises to myself of a life much different than the one I had been accustomed to.
Somewhere along the way in our relationship we stepped off our vowed path of sexual purity. I was 17 and my boyfriend 19 when we found ourselves married and parents. Our friends and family thought it a bad idea to wed. Many alternatives were offered including making the problem quietly go away.
It wasn’t the proper timing and you can’t imagine the embarrassment, shame and disgrace we were responsible for. We had no where to turn but to God with repentance and our union was then made holly and pure before God.
As you can imagine the implications of teenagers getting married and raising a baby were many. There were times we both wanted to walk away and be done. Some of those ingrained memories/tendencies would raise their weary head and I would question God why life had to be so hard. Had he always been there and if so why would he let me go through those things?
As a 19 year old I gave birth to my second child a son. He had Down syndrome. My world fell apart. We mourned the death of a child we had dreamed of for 9 months that died the day my son was diagnosed. Along with the death of that dream came the realization that life was going to be much different than I had planned. Oh, why God would you do this to me? Why my son? I was broken and angry. Hadn’t I suffered enough? Although there were many dark days I had to hold onto a glimmer of hope that only my heavenly father could give.
Often times I find it humorous how God works. I sought professional counseling with a secular agency and got a Christian counselor. I finally was willing and able to open up with the entirety of my painful past. Through this open door God was able to reach in and administer the healing balm needed to start a renewal process in my life that has set me free from all the sin and hidden baggage.
Then six years after the birth of our special needs son we were told during our 3rd pregnancy that the doctors thought our daughter had Down syndrome or trisomy 18 a fatal chromosomal abnormality. After weeks of agonizing, waiting and praying she was born a healthy baby girl.
Four years would pass and I was feeling unsettledness in my spirit I began seeking God for more clarity in the direction of my life. I had turned my life over to God entirely and had seen many transformations in it only by His grace. The question looming in my spirit was; do I dive deeper into a ministry I was leading or do I focus more on my family as I had a deep urge to have another child.
It was shortly thereafter I had poured out my heart and soul to God seeking his direction that I knew he had answered when I had become pregnant by “chance”. It was an exhilaration to see this baby’s heart beat during the early ultra sound. We were eager to share the experience with our 3 children. However, the certainty of life’s direction was short lived when I lost my precious child at three months gestation. I was once again devastated by the unfortunate turn of events. I felt abandoned by God and church.
I felt the old questions still loomed, God why would you let us, your children go through such traumatic events? Weren’t we supposed to have some supper natural hedge of protection from life’s pain? I just didn’t understand. That is until now. I think I have found the answer.
It was 14 years ago last April since my husband and I were married. I can honestly say that he is my best friend and although their have been many ups and downs we have been happily married for many years since we became serious about serving the Lord. It wasn’t until a financial disaster and a year long displacement with 3 young children that God was able to get a hold of us.
It had begun when we made a move to a new town that brought with it a new church family. We started going to a budgeting program that taught us biblical principals to manage our money. Guess what it worked. God honored our total surrender to Him. The many blessings are almost too numerous to recount, but here are just a couple. We are now in a new home with a no interest mortgage and have a new 3 month old daughter despite a rough beginning to the pregnancy. All I can say is you can’t out give God in any way.
My husband now serves on the board at the church we love. I was a budget councilor at Love in the name of Christ the local Christian ministry that helped us dig our way out of mountains of debt until recently when I turned my ministry back toward home.
I was nominated to the mission’s board a few years back and reluctantly accepted. All I could picture is a bunch of old ladies sitting around sowing quilts to send over seas. I would have never guessed that my heart that was always easily broken and loved too hard would not be a burden but a blessing. As it has turned out, I accepted the offer over 3 years ago to create and direct a compassionate ministries local missions outreach team we lovingly call the C.I.A. (compassion in action team). Our mission verse is 1John 3:18 Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. (NIV)
I get the chance to interact with others that have or are going through some of the same things I have on a regular basis. Who better to interact with someone who is hungry than someone who has been hungry? We partnered with Angel Food Ministries about 3 year ago and started right away feeding hundreds of families in our community each month. Although, we serve much less now it is only because we have helped other churches in the area get started. We also have a church food pantry stocked full of so much food we have to donate it to other organizations in the community from time to time. Some of the other out reach tools we had were meals, transportation, cleaning and babysitting for crisis or transitional situations. We have a shut in ministry done by a registered nurse. We have a compassionate ministries fund so that we can help when a real financial need is presented. We have a prayer quilt ministry meant to bring encouragement that a loving church body is praying for you. We have a community referral system so that we can direct those in need of assistance to the correct agencies.
The blessing of the new home and 4th child God has seen fit to bestow has also come with it a new transition. We are now in a familiar but new town. It is where my husband and I spent our teen years. We are now looking to find a connection to God and community by finding a place to worship and use our gifts closer to home. We also have to wrap up loose strings in ministry at our soon to be old church. And did I tell you when our daughter was born my husband got a call while on vacation from his employment of 7 years that his job was being down sized. In an economy where our state has 8.5% employment it will have to be God that secures the next career.
Through it all I am finally able to see that God had never left me, not as a frightened child and angry teen or a grieving mother. He merely walked with me. At times I was unaware of His presence but he was there all the same. He didn’t make bad things happen to me; choices made by others and as I grew older myself allowed that to happen. But he allowed the trials to refine and mold me into a tool full of purpose and potential for the kingdom.
Never in a million years could I have imagined that God could take something so broken and make it into something useful.
I have never felt more whole and fulfilled than I do knowing I am right in the will of God doing what I was created to do. I am so excited to see what the next few years bring. Although I don’t know when or how yet, I am hoping to widen our territory as we continue to step out of our comfort zones and look into becoming adoptive parents of another little boy with Down syndrome. My husband can not see it yet but I pray that if it be God’s will as I have discerned it to be He would work on my husband’s heart. He is also adopted by the way.
No matter what happens I pray in all we do we bring glory and honor unto God by showing His love to others.
Posted by: april yates | July 3, 2008 1:21 AM
April -
What a life you've lived and how clear it is that God had something better for you! That is exactly what I mean.
I can't thank you enough for sharing your story. Thanking God for you and your husband too-
love,
barbara
Posted by: barbara | July 3, 2008 3:32 PM
Sorry I did not read this before I commented to the other thread.
It is really such an amazing testimony that you have come through all this and become the person that you are. Very inspirational! The fact that you were even able to keep a marriage together defies every single statistic.
And I will pray for your Fathers soul.
My father was absent, but compared to all this and the stories of your commenter's that was practically a blessing.
Posted by: paigeu | July 4, 2008 3:34 PM
I will pray for the children whose lives they ruined. For the children whose souls they murdered.
There is no forgiveness in this world or beyond for your father and brother.
Posted by: margrete o'connor | August 23, 2008 10:02 PM
There is therefore no condemnation in Christ... Praise God Barbara for His Spirit of Truth, and the power of truth to heal and change lives. And for your courage to speak out! We overcome by His blood, and by the word of our testimony. He longs to heal and restore, He is able to save, set free and deliver. No one need live a life of shame. If we have family skeletons, we need to let them out to dance!
Posted by: Gail | January 30, 2009 4:03 PM
