June 15, 2008 3:25 PM
Self-Injury. . . . What parents need to know
My friend Jan Kern has written a book called Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal: A Journey Out of Self-Injury. I asked her to write a guest blog for MommyLife on this important subject.
Responding to a Child’s Self-Injury“Those are burns?”
“Why would you do that?”
“You don’t just go and burn yourself. What were you thinking?”
When Jackie, at age thirteen, and a youth pastor met with her family to tell them she had purposely burned her arms, things didn’t go so well. Anger, confusion, and likely self-doubt—what have I done wrong as a parent?—reigned over the conversation. Jackie felt lost in the reactive storm of emotions. She shut down.
From any parent’s perspective, this situation would be extremely difficult. A child chooses to cut, hit, burn, or somehow intentionally hurt herself. It’s disturbing and confusing. Questions fire through your mind as you struggle to understand how this could be possible. You wrestle to recover, but the jab of those initial raw emotions spill out.
Slide over onto Jackie’s chair for a moment.
Accumulating events in her life led to the moment she first burned her arms. A deep and partially buried story of hurt, abuse, and violation daily thrust her into what seemed like a dark alley pressing in with no way out. She felt trapped. Though she couldn’t identify all the reasons behind the mounting anxiety, anger, and depression, she knew she had to do something to cope.
Jackie had heard about self-injury, so she tried it. She thought it would relieve the intensity of the emotions that relentlessly charged through her. The first time, burning herself did seem to ease the emotions—for the moment. But Jackie also realized how easily she lost track of what she’d done. Twenty-two burns in a short time—it scared her. So she turned to a close, adult friend, who suggested the two of them meet with her parents.
Maybe she hoped for compassion and understanding, for her parents to say they would help her through this. She might have hoped for new beginnings in their relationships with one another, changes that would not just work for her, but help everyone.
None of that happened—at least not that day.
After Jackie’s first experience with self-injury, she hit a downward spiral that led to ten years of self-destructive choices, including burning and increasingly more severe cutting. It’s hard to know if a more receptive response from her parents would have prevented this path. But it might have made a difference if she had felt comfortable going to them.
A young man explained his hesitancy to disclose his self-injury. He said, “I pretty much just tried to make everyone think I was okay and wasn’t crazy. I was mostly afraid of being put in a mental hospital. I just pretended and acted normal, and I always cut on my thighs so no one ever saw.”
A teen shared her desire to stop cutting herself. I asked her if her mom knew and could help. Her response? An adamant No! She was convinced Mom couldn’t handle the news of her self-injury or her reasons. Her mom might put her into a spotlight she desperately wanted to avoid.
She eventually grew brave enough to tell her mom about her cuts. Mom responded, “That’s a really stupid thing to do.” This response stopped the teen from sharing any further. Her mother, if she wanted to understand more, would need to rebuild trust.
Like any parent, you hope your children won’t turn to self-injury. Can you prevent it? Or if a child is already involved in self-injury, can you change its course?
Possibly.
Can you at least make a difference?
Definitely.
You can nurture an atmosphere of relationship, conversation, openness, and safety. You can convey you are someone she can confidently go to with her deepest thoughts, hurts, fears, and anxieties.
To begin:
1. Watch for ways you can model how to cope through challenging circumstances.
2. Mend the relationship as soon as possible when you’ve responded in a quick or hurtful way.
3. Daily encourage and value your child’s expression of thoughts and emotions.
4. Listen well, with compassion and without judgment.
5. Be patient and let her story unfold without asking why.
6. Realize she might not tell you everything at once, and be okay with that.
7. Keep your own emotions in check and, if necessary, communicate thoughts later after you’ve had time to think things through.
8. Be trustworthy in how you handle information shared in confidence.
9. Involve her in the decision when you need to bring professionals or others into the situation (for depression, anxiety, or possible serious emotional disorders).
10. Remove your child from abusive situations and environments.Children struggling like Jackie, or the teen girl or the young man mentioned above, would feel encouraged by an open, warm response. Instead of despair cloaking their days, they might begin to feel hope. They no longer have to feel trapped or alone or stuck in the cycle of self-injury. As they open up, talk and connect with family or the community, they’ll become aware they are moving toward healthy ways to cope. A day without self-injury will feel possible. Then a year, then a life.
It’s a process. It takes time.
And, more importantly, it takes you.
For more information, resources, or to contact Jan, visit JanKern.com.
Posted in Health, Teens and Tweens | Permalink
Comments
Barbara,
I've said it before and I'll say it again:
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
You are again using your blog to bring light to mental illness. Unfortunately there is still stigma attached to mental illness and many people (especially in the Protestant fundamentalist movement, I have found) still think mental illness is a sign of spiritual weakness, or that you can just "pray yourself better."
Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital in suburban Chicago has an amazing in-patient and out-patient program for self injury. Their main number is (800) 432-5005. Even if Alexian isn't a financial or logistical possibility, if you or your child is struggling with self-injury, please call them: they can put you in touch with resources in your area.
Self-injury is not a disease to be taken lightly. It can kill you or your child. Unfortunately, like eating disorders, even with the best treatment there is a high relapse rate. Usually multiple attempts at recovery are needed.
Get help now. The longer you wait the harder it will be to achieve long-term recovery.
Barbara, I can tell you from my own experience, if your blog convinces one person to get help sooner rather than later, you have saved a life. And to those of you reading this, use me as an example: you do not want to live your life cycling in and out of mental illness.
Do not wait until you are in my shoes. Get help now. Do not be ashamed. Ask your church family to pray for you and then seek professional help immediately.
Posted by: Anna Keiter | June 15, 2008 7:42 PM
I'm sorry, but I just had to reply to this. Yes, people who suffer with self injury, eating disorders and other struggles DO need to seek help. BUT, they are not diseases. Don't be fooled into thinking that this is something your body did to you and cannot be helped. I know this from first hand experience. I am a christian and from the time I was in 6th grade, I pulled out my eyelashes (especially when stressed). It seemed totally out of my control. I also picked my skin horribly. However, Christ has set me free from those destructive behaviors through reprogramming my mind with His word, the Bible.
Ladies, the enemy(Satan) is out to steal, kill and destroy. These destructive behaviors are some of the tools he uses to achieve that end. HEAR ME PLEASE: I AM NOT SAYING THAT ANYONE WHO SUFFERS WITH THIS IS SPIRITUALLY WEAK OR THAT YOU CAN JUST PRAY YOURSELF BETTER!!!!!! However, God's word tells us that with God, all thingsare possible. That's right, ALL THINGS, like having victory over an eating disorder or self injury. Would we be so bold as to say that God is lying when He says this in His word? I think not. I'm not saying that this happens overnight or is easy or doesn't require serious counseling. But calling it a disease and treating it with drugs is not the answer. I know, ladies, I know. Believe me when I tell you that the King of Kings can set you free. Satan is a liar and the father of lies and he will tell you that it's impossible to be free from this. You know this to be true as I'm sure you've said to yourself "I'll never be able to stop this".
I'm sorry if anyone has said to you "oh, you just have sin in your life" or "you just gotta have faith and you will be healed". Yes, faith is involved, but your deliverance may not happen overnight. That does not mean that you didn't have enough faith or that God is not faithful to honor His word. These struggles are the result of a lifetime of issues and sometimes it takes time, but I can promise you that there is hope, help and healing through the powerful and life changing word of God. Even now He is working to set me free from rageful anger. Praise His name!!!!!
I will be praying for you, Anna.
Libby
Posted by: Libby | June 18, 2008 10:27 AM
Libby, (and any other interested readers), I have responded to this comment on my personal blog: http://managingthebasics.com
If you are interested in continuing this discussion, I believe my blog is a more appropriate venue than Barbara's comment section :)
Posted by: Anna Keiter | June 18, 2008 2:42 PM
OOPS! My blog is at:
http://managingthebasics.wordpress.com!
Posted by: Anna Keiter | June 18, 2008 4:28 PM
My name is Kristin, and I work with Abunga.com, a family-friendly bookstore. Jan Kern is going to be doing an online chat next week (Sept. 10 at 2 p.m. EDT) at Abunga.com/AuthorsAtAbunga and talking more about this subject. I thought you might be interested.
Posted by: Kristin Cole | September 3, 2008 3:37 PM
Hello,
I'm new here. I'm asking for help because of what I have seen. I'm a teacher, and in my school, we have been seeing a lot of SI. Most of the kids that we have discovered with SI belong to the "emos." We even caught five of them harming themselves in the the restroom.
While not all of the kids harming themselves belong to this "emo" thing, about 75% do. Our school administration and counselors have done what they can. The involved kids are refusing treatment, and we fear for their safety. The only resource that we have found that fits our situation is this: http://emodanger.co.cc. This site seems to match exactly what we are seeing, but there isn't much to say there if there is no cooperation.
If one has an issue with SI, please don't visit this site. The owner puts up warnings, since he or she shows what these "emo" kids post on-line. There are many pictures about self injury and suicide.
If you are dealing with kids that self injure, and they refuse to accept that it is a problem, and say that it's part of their "culture," how do you approach them?
Posted by: Teacher | March 8, 2009 10:01 PM
