June 28, 2008 8:16 AM
The Baby Borrowers - your thoughts
Barbara,I wondered what you think of this show. I've looked all over, and haven't seen anyone who shares my concern, so maybe I'm crazy, I don't know.
Mom Houston, a mommy blog in the Houston Chronicle, has been going on and on about how she loves the show The Baby Borrowers, a reality show featuring 18-20 year old couples who "try out" adult life by getting jobs, and caring for "borrowed" children. I guess the idea is to discourage them from becoming adults any time soon. (Mom Houston also made recent comments about a 22 year old actress being too young to be expecting a child.)
I guess I just don't see the societal advantage in extending childhood to the age of 30. How can we expect teenagers to be mature and responsible while we tell them not to grow up? And how can we expect them to abstain from sexual activity while we tell them not to get married or start a family for another 10 or 15 years?
I just keep wondering why we are surprised at the state of society when increasingly children aren't expected to be able to control their behavior or to contribute to the family, adolescence is seen as a time to enjoy freedom rather than a time to prepare for adulthood, and young adults are encourages to postpone responsibility for anyone but themselves for as long as possible. Is it just me?
Michelle
wife to Mark and mom to many
Michelle -
It's not just you. I think we've definitely stretched out childhood way beyond what it should be. I've written before that I don't think college is for everyone and it has become a big factor in delaying the growing up process for many who have no serious goals to pursue and who should be out earning a living.
I haven't seen the show - but maybe some readers have. What do you all think?
One thing I wonder about is who are the crazy parents who are allowing their children to be parented by teenagers on a reality TV show?
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Comments
This has been the talk of my Yahoo unpreschooling group. They are talking mostly about the impact on the children.
I haven't watched the show so I don't really have an opinion but I agree with what you all have said.
Posted by: Alison | June 28, 2008 9:06 AM
One thing I wonder about is who are the crazy parents who are allowing their children to be parented by teenagers on a reality TV show?
That's been a question asked by lots of people. The couples only have the babies for three days, and the parents are actually there the whole time (out of sight, but allowed to come in whenever they want). There are also trained nannies standing over them, making sure they don't do anything too wrong.
Really, the babies aren't in any danger, and I guess I could see a parent doing that if they felt strongly about the message of the show. I wouldn't do it, though.
Posted by: Michelle Potter | June 28, 2008 9:12 AM
My sister has been blogging about this for a couple of weeks. She is tracking the professional organizations that are protesting.
http://roadtoblack.blogspot.com/2008/05/baby-borrowers.html
The ads call it "birth control TV", which is highly offensive. (And how does making teens care for elderly people they have no connection with prevent teen pregnancy, exactly?)
Posted by: Milehimama | June 28, 2008 11:26 AM
I haven't seen this show, but the entire concept of it is very irritating to me.
First of all, from what I understand, the teen parents start out with infants, but later borrow toddlers, grade-schoolers, middle-schoolers, high-schoolers, and finally (and a bit oddly if you ask me), senior citizens. The thing that irks me about this is that there is no 18 year old in the world who is raising a grade schooler. We grow and mature as our children do, so what in the world is the point in showing that it's hard work to raise an 8 year old at 18 when no one actually does that?
My second, and larger issue is that this show will doubtlessly show that 18 is FAR FAR too young to raise a child! I mean, what can we expect from a show that claims to be "birth control?" My first son was born when I was almost 18 and my husband was 20. He was born after my first year of college (I graduated highschool at 16). My son was born prematurely, and spent 7 weeks in the NICU. After the NICU he had several surgeries and was hooked up to a apnea monitor. But you know what? It wasn't that "hard". Sure it was draining, but nothing to write home about. I think we were actually blessed to have such a trying experience the first time around because we didn't have a "normal" experience to compare to. My husband and I were financially stable, and I honestly don't think that I could have handled the situation any better at 25 than I did at the time. When called upon to be adults, people usually step up to the task.
Now, I'm not advocating everyone going out and getting married and having children at 18, but for some people it works. There's not a question in my mind that neither my husband nor I would be following the path that God had intended if we had followed the traditional advice to wait until after college to get married, and then wait another 3-5 years to have a child.
Another couple we know who got married right out of highschool are now one of the most successful and God-honoring couples we know. They did wait until the husband was near graduation to have children, but they would have been wonderful parents right out of the gate. At 23 they now have a beautiful little girl and are in the process of being certified to be foster parents.
I'm sorry this is so long and rambly, but it just hits a sore nerve to see yet another "young people can't be in a real marriage/raise children" event come to prime time.
Posted by: Lauren | June 28, 2008 1:15 PM
Good grief. Every day I'm more thankful we don't have TV! LOL.
Seriously, though, I too thought first of the impact on the children/infants. What kind of effect does that inconsistency (and downright random parenting) have on the little ones? What could the "real" parents be thinking?
On the other side of the topic... while I am concerned about the whole "adultescent" trend in our culture, it's not a bad idea to give these young people a taste of actual responsibility. Working for an OB/GYN I saw far too many pregnant teens who thought a baby would be a cute accessory to carry around at the mall.
On the one hand, thank God they weren't aborting, but on the other hand... they had no idea what they were getting into! My heart cried out, "Adoption, adoption, adoption!"
Just my $.02,
Julie
Posted by: Julie | June 28, 2008 2:51 PM
And how can we expect them to abstain from sexual activity while we tell them not to get married or start a family for another 10 or 15 years?
So true!
This article is really good and talks about just that:
http://www.frederica.com/writings/lets-have-more-teen-pregnancy.html
Posted by: Stacie | June 28, 2008 4:56 PM
Lauren, when I was nearly 25 I read a rant about how anyone under 25 who had a child was an idiot, fooling themselves about real life and fating themselves to a ruined love life, no education, no fun ever again, and no future.
At the time, I had 5 children and was hoping to get pregnant again soon. I tried to rebut the major points in this argument. I am happily married and financially stable; my husband is a respected professional earning good money in his field (even though he never attended college!!); I had no desire to go to college but instead chose to further my education on my own, learning subjects that truly interest me and further my actual goals as a stay-at-home-mom; etc. I was wasting my breath. I was even told that I lacked enough "life experience" because I've only been to Europe once. Oh my, how shall I ever survive the deprivation??
It just amazes me the absolute disgust for anyone who chooses to take on grown-up responsibilities once they become a grown up! (Just to clarify, I recognize that some paths in life, perfectly legitimate paths that God may call us to, require more than 18 years of preparation. I'm not saying anyone who isn't finished preparing by age 18 is immature. Just that hanging onto childhood into the adult years simply for the sake of refusing to grow up -- well, isn't that the definition of immature?)
Posted by: Michelle Potter | June 28, 2008 6:11 PM
Trying to add something new to the discussion. I don't think the idea here is necessarily to discourage ALL 18-21 year olds from getting married and having children. With the exception of the one teenaged couple, I would have to say that from what I've seen, they are NOT ready to do that. The one girl is cursing. One refuses to wear the pregnancy suit because it makes her look fat. (Does she think a baby is delivered to her by a stork without any effect short term or otherwise to her own body?)
Remember, these are young couples chosen because they are young AND immature.
I was only 20 when I had my oldest. I had been married for over a year when I got pregnant. I was only a tender 21 when I had a baby with a cleft, and only 24 when I had baby #3. Today, I have a 2-month old at age 32 and I am a far better parent today than I was at 20, 21, or 24. Does that mean that I shouldn't have had a baby at those younger ages? No, not necessarily. But I have matured a ton and my parenting skills are far better now than they were when I was younger.
I disagree with much of the show. I think that "parenting" senior citizens is ridiculous, but I do understand them attempting to parent school-aged kids. I believe that they are being exposed to the older ages because so many young teens think it will be fun to have a baby in much the same way that school-age kids think it is great to get a kitten or puppy. It's cute, but they haven't really thought through the level of responsibility required.
I disagree with the reality-TV side of this, but I do believe there are far too many girls in high school today who believe they are ready to have babies at 14-16 and who trick or coerce their boyfriends to get one. They are not good parents. I say this because I had friends who did this. I am just thansful that God watches out for babies born to parents (of all ages) who really aren't ready for the responsibility.
Posted by: Ceci | June 28, 2008 7:07 PM
I was only 20 when I had my oldest. I had been married for over a year when I got pregnant. I was only a tender 21 when I had a baby with a cleft, and only 24 when I had baby #3. Today, I have a 2-month old at age 32 and I am a far better parent today than I was at 20, 21, or 24. Does that mean that I shouldn't have had a baby at those younger ages? No, not necessarily. But I have matured a ton and my parenting skills are far better now than they were when I was younger.
But Ceci, isn't your maturation as a parent due to your previous parenting experience? If you had been living only for yourself until you were 32 - a la Sex in the City maybe? - wouldn't you be just as immature a parent at 32 as you were at 20?
Isn't it the self-sacrifice demanded of parents - which our natural selves often fight against - that matures us?
Posted by: barbara | June 28, 2008 8:36 PM
I have posted about this on both of my blogs this week with some great feedback.
I also put a call to action out there because we have to do more than rant about it.
Posted by: Kathy, Jeff's Wife | June 28, 2008 8:53 PM
I really liked this post and the article that Stacie mentioned, too. Last December at my commencement ceremony the keynote speaker actually said in her address that "no intelligent person marries before 25." Wow...way to insult the people you're supposed to be inspiring (along with many of the older family members in attendance who I am sure fit into this "unintelligent" category). I'm 23 and in a couple weeks my husband and I will celebrate our sixth anniversary. I'm so sick of this societal attitude that "kids will be kids" and the way the "age of maturity" just seems to keep going up. Well guess what, kids WILL be kids if there is no one to TEACH them how to be adults and there are no expectations of actually growing up at some point! Marriage, like raising kids, or like anything else worthwhile in life, takes sacrifices. No, it sure wasn't easy going to school fulltime and working three jobs to feed us when my husband could not find work. But it was life--REAL life, at 19. It also wasn't easy when my husband became seriously ill, losing his career and even his driver's license, just before I graduated and I spent lots of time caring for him and taking him to five million and seven doctor's appointments and getting a third job again to pay some of the bills. But it was life--REAL life, at 22. Ironically enough, the same people who told us that we were "too young" when I was 17 and he was 20 to "weigh ourselves down" by buying our house (that is now paid off) were some of the same people who were asking us when we were going to have children before we were even married! I guess we're just old, obsolete fuddy-duddies, because we always felt marriage should come before children. And, fuddy-duddies that we are, we realize that we are STILL not ready to have children (much to the disappointment of the MIL), because it takes a heck of a lot to be a good parent and neither of us think we're up to the challenge yet! Quite frustrating really. Society seems to have its priorities and expectations all off-kilter, but no matter what you choose there will always be someone to criticize. I have this discussion all the time with my dear friend--who is only a little older than I am and expecting her fifth bundle of joy in August. OK, middle of the night, I'm rambling; I'll stop. :-)
Posted by: Just Me | June 29, 2008 2:48 AM
I've only watched a few minutes of the show, but I'm concerned that all this really teaches teens is that parenthood is a major drag - something to be avoided at all costs. Caring for another person's child (or one of those screaming "reality" dolls) is not the same as caring for your own. Mothering my children is the most amazing, life-altering experience - I'm having a ball! But doing all of the work of parenting without any of the love or the bond that you share with your child is really an unfair burden to place on teens.
Posted by: Shannon Miller | June 29, 2008 4:46 PM
I like what Michelle wrote - I am currently 25 with 5 children all of whom have some form of autism and I am actually expecting #6!!!! God has truly blessed our lives!! And no, none of them are multiples!!
I got married 2 weeks after I turned 18 in January and my daughter was born that November. I had graduated highschool and was attending colege courses. My daughter became diagnosed with a heart condition and became our number 1 priority. And after her diagnoses came my sons born each a year one after the other with autism and she was too diagnosed with PDD-NOS this past year. (She was discharged from her heart condition at age 2 God bless!!)
Do I think I was too young to have a child at age 18? No because my life experiences made me a mature person. I have been caring for children as long as I can remember. Did I miss out on a life? I do not think so because I spent a month in England when I was in highschool, partied all I wanted to my Junior year and was over and done with it all!
Trust me, every day I hear how wrong I was in the life that I chose and the fact that I have kids, even after they have all the issues that they do and my sinmple answer is that I have been blessed by God and this is the life that He and I have chosen together for me. He placed the options in my path and my faith in Him has guided me through.
I truly feel more blessed now than I think I would have had I spent time and not gotten married when I did and been a "career" - and "party" girl - I see the ways other girls my age are living their lives and I do not miss or crave a thing! Just wish I had more time with my kids but we all want that! They grow up way too fast!
Posted by: Krystal - momofautism | June 30, 2008 3:05 PM
I think Frederica Mathewes-Green has a good mp3 on this, on the Calvin website.
"When Every Day is Casual Friday: Anxiety Hangs Over a Culture When Adults Act Like Childrenâ€
Posted by: Julana | June 30, 2008 9:58 PM
I know I'm a little late jumping on the wagon, but I had this thought:
If folks are so upset about parents putting their child in the care of these "strangers" for the sake of the TV show...
Why is there not the same uproar over parents who put their babies in the care of "strangers" 12 or 13 hours a day, five days a week?
Hmmmm...
Posted by: Brenda on the S OR Coast | July 1, 2008 3:55 PM
I have not seen the show, frankly it looks like a waste of time, but I don't agree that it's somehow promoting young adults to act like children. I'm a 20 year old college student with a boyfriend of two years, and I would never think of getting married or starting a family until I was graduated and had a steady career. I tend to think this is being responsible on my part, I would never want to be put in a position of not being able to support my child. So what's so bad about showing young adults that having a kid is such a huge responsibility?
Also in response to Brenda's comment on children being put in daycare for 12 hours a day, maybe you should realize that some women want or need to have a career and do not have the luxury of being with their children as much as they'd like.
Posted by: Tracy | July 2, 2008 6:17 PM
Tracy, I totally agree that some women make the choice to put their children in day care for all kinds of reasons.
My point was that there seems to be a double standard. For some reason, it's okay to criticize the Baby Lender parents openly, but if we question the day care parents, we get a rather hostile reaction and are accused of being all kinds of unkind.
Posted by: Brenda on the S OR Coast | July 2, 2008 9:49 PM
