July 21, 2008 9:37 AM
Beyond family skeletons: redemption and freedom
Follow-up to the story about my father sperm donor (SD) - after what just happened I just can't use that word in association with this vile man, so I'm grabbing Dr. Laura's epithet.
I've shared here the long saga of my SD tracking me down through Classmates.com after 20 years of non-communication (preceded by 5 contacts in the previous 30 years). The story of finding out he is a convicted sex offender (13 year old victim), my attempt at a compassionate confrontation, his denials laced with hateful invective towards me, and finally my confrontation about the times he tried to seduce me - which is why I could not believe his protestations of innocence (for the whole soap opera, read Family skeletons: breaking free).
Several months have passed and I had breathed a sigh of relief - this chapter is finished.
Unfortunately, I did have a response from the SD last week, in which he not only denied what happened, but spun a lewd and lascivious fantasy of my showing him topless pictures and appearing dressed only in bikini pants while visiting him. And if that weren't bad enough, he lambasted me yet again at length for my "phony" religion and self-righteousness.
The guy is 81 years old!! I owe him nothing. And though when he approached me two years ago to have some sort of relationship I was ready to forgive and see what God would do. But some people evidently die with their hearts like stone, unable to be honest with themselves or to receive forgiveness.
Had I not been through the things I've been through - which have made me arguably too tough in some ways - I would be absolutely shattered. And at some deeper level I probably am.
But I know one thing. This is the end for me of ever, ever communicating with this twisted, perverted man. I wrote:
You are very sick. Your response proves you are indeed delusional.Never contact me again.
One other thing you should know about me is that I survived a horrible past by leaving my family far behind. I haven't written this before, but I also have a brother who is a convicted sex offender (his daughter) - also unrepentant and belligerent in his claim: "I am not a pedophile."
A couple of readers have asked how I handle writing openly about my family. I would say that first of all, I do not consider these people my family. As far as breaking their privacy, these men do not have the same last name as I do. However, their privacy is already broken because of their crimes: if you knew their last names you would find them in the National Sex Offenders Registry. Thank God that we still offer some redress for women and children who are victims - and some way to warn others that they are in their midst.
I write about these things to show others who come from trashy, disgusting backgrounds that by the grace of God we are not bound by the chains that these men have chosen to continue wearing. I write to show that we do indeed have a choice to choose darkness or light.
I also write to remind us that we are not victims, but sinners just like them. I've done my share of hurting others. The only thing that separates me from these vile men is that I've acknowledged my sin and received forgiveness. I'm no better than they are, except through the intervention of a loving and gracious God and a Savior whose redemption I have gratefully received.
I will never forget where I came from and I will give thanks every day for God's lifting me up from the darkness and allowing me - with a dedicated partner/husband/friend - to become a generational turning point, becoming an intentional parent and learning to give my children what was not given to me: a decent, secure, and loving upbringing. Not perfect, of course, but intentional - always striving to become more loving, more conformed to the image of Christ.
My kids will make their own choices. But I have great hope that my own family line will not go down this dark and terrible path ever again.
I write about this openly not because I am proud - I am filled with horror and shame when I think about my roots and I hate to tell my children about them. On the other hand, I feel I must tell my children so they will appreciate what God has done in their lives. And I must tell others so they will see the glory of God as it is painted in one family's life.
He truly rescued us. My children are blessed to have a father who has been loving and kind and protective - and I have done a lot of healing just watching the relationship of Sophia and Maddy with their dad.
But as for me, the only Father I will ever know is the one who saved me from disaster and will never, ever let me go.
~~~~~~~~
See also A father to the fatherless.
Posted in Family, Inspiration, My life | Permalink
Comments
Wow. God is amazing. Thank you for sharing your story. It is truly sad that your SD will not soften his heart. I hope you continue to pray for him (and your other family members). I just can't even imagine the kind of pain you have experienced at the hands of this man, but I am so glad that God has brought you through it!
Hopefully for your children, understanding your past will help them understand you. I know that finding out information about my parents' past (particularly my father's) has helped me have much more grace and love for them.
Posted by: Lucy | July 21, 2008 10:55 AM
Oh Barbara,
How sad! I am so sorry for you. Even though you had already distanced yourself, it must be heartbreaking to finally, irrevocably cut all ties without hope of reconciliation.
It is all in God's hands now. I am reminded of an incidence in St. Therese's (the Little Flower) life. She prayed fervently for the conversion of a convict who was to be executed, but his heart remained hardened.
Finally, as he stepped up to the gallows, St. Therese asked God to show her a sign (after all, she says, this is my first one!) and the man did beg God for forgiveness - minutes before his death. So never lose hope, even if you can't help them in person.
She is the patron saint of missionaries, even though she never left her cloistered convent.
Posted by: Milehimama | July 21, 2008 11:12 AM
Barbara,
What an amazing God we serve! He has done extraordinary things in and through you. I hope you will always have the courage to let God shine through the darkness of your past. Your legacy to your children (and the world!) is one of great faith.
Posted by: Elizabeth M Thompson | July 21, 2008 11:43 AM
First time poster, long time reader here. I had a somewhat similar childhood and a very similar outcome as yours ~ sexually abused by my brother, my mother accused me of making up the story for attention (I told a teacher, who alerted the authorities) and the rest of my time at home was a nightmare. I got Christian counseling and tried to develop real relationships with my siblings, only to be rebuffed. They are all "best friends" (their words) with my brother and they now have recollections of me seducing him and "looking for it" (the abuse). I was 6 when it started. He abused another sister (I watched it happen) and she has decided to keep it buried deeply rather than admit it and thereby back me up. My brother did admit that he did it, but no one in my family cared. He has always been the golden boy & I'm the loser who tried to make him look bad.
I cut ties with my family because they refuse to acknowledge the truth and I can't live their lie.
I, too, am grateful that God loves me and accepts me and is my Father.
Thanks for sharing your story. It's a bit eerie, but strangely comforting, to know someone else has lived a similar childhood & been brought out of it by God & is now being used by Him in wonderful ways. Gives me hope that He'll do the same with me.
Posted by: Kate | July 21, 2008 1:13 PM
Barbara,
You have proved, once again, what a strong and faith filled woman you are. You may never know how many lives you have touched with your story, or how many women you have encouraged to remove themselves from abusive relationships, but I am sure it is many more than you could ever imagine.
Peace,
Anna
Posted by: Anna | July 21, 2008 1:31 PM
Oh Barbara,
I am just *so* sorry about all of this. ((HUG)) ~B
Posted by: B | July 21, 2008 5:09 PM
Dear Barbara,
I have been grieving for you as I follow your story about your family. I got in touch with my biological father last year (I'm in my 30's and he left when I was very young). I was warned that he might try to hurt us emotionally, and that has happened. I really tried not to care, but it still hurts. Hugs to you!
Posted by: anon today :) | July 21, 2008 5:26 PM
Barbara, I said I was sorry *for* you, but what I meant was, I'm sorry *with* you.
Posted by: Milehimama | July 22, 2008 1:17 AM
Barbara, I'm so sorry that the hurt has been brought up again. I know all too well the burden of trying to break free from the bonds of a previous generations sins. Though different from yours, they've impacted more areas of my life than I'm probably even aware. But how wonderful to know that we are loved by a God bigger than any family chains and, as you said, He's rescued us from that and made it possible to live a new, redeemed life. May you be blessed as you truly put this piece of your past behind you.
Blessings,
Mary
Posted by: RefreshMom | July 22, 2008 4:48 AM
I have recently had to face up to some of the issues from my own fatherless-ness. I do know my father in the sense that we have met. I know what he looks like. But I know little of his character. Over the last 32 years, I have placed my hand out to him for any contact and been disappointed repeatedly. At 21, I wrote him a long letter and told him that his days of power (from me allowing him to control me via his lack of care and communication) were over. I told him that I would let him know where I was and that we were safe (at this point I had two small children), but that I no longer was waiting for a response from him.
A year ago I was remarried. It was a most joyful event. We have had a whirlwind year, including the merging of five children from previous marriages and the addition of our own new baby girl. During that time, I did not contact my father at all.
This spring, after much urging from my husband, I emailed my father and told him about my remarriage and new baby. Quite true to form, I didn't even receive a response of "Got your email." I let it go, but my husband didn't understand.
Two days ago, I received a birthday card from my father. In it was the yearly $2 bill (I'm not sure of the symbolism, and perhaps that is all the value he places on me???), and two sentences:
Glad to hear that you and your family are doing well. Happy birthday. (His first name and last initial)
LOL Ironically, for years he signed my birthday cards: "your loving father". I suppose somewhere along the line he decided to drop that charade.
My husband continues to be boggled by my father's lack of interest in me. The kicker....my father was an elementary school teacher and I was always a star student. But he didn't come to my high school graduation, my wedding, my confirmation, my first baby's baptism. After that, I stopped inviting him. And...he never met my first husband and has not met any of his grandkids.
But it's his problem, not mine.
Thanks for sharing. Too many girls (and guys) can identify with the lack of a father...
Posted by: Ceci | July 23, 2008 3:40 AM
81!? He is practically on deaths door. What a hardened, horrible man he has become. God keeps giving Him chance after chance and he keeps saying no.
Prayers for your healing, and prayers for his soul.
Posted by: paigeu | July 25, 2008 12:59 AM
