July 11, 2008 12:58 PM
Loving the Weirdo - Paige Ulrich
Paige Ulrich is a remarkable young woman whose open and analytical approach - as well as her ability to dialogue with people of many persuasions - suggest a wisdom beyond her 26 years.
I first "met" Paige when she left a comment on MommyLife in November 2005. Since then, she has been like a friend over the backyard fence, seeing me through many changes - gigantic weight loss, family ups and downs, conversion to Catholicism - and engaging in conversations with anyone else who showed up to dialogue here, even when I was so busy posting and living that I didn't have time to reply to comments myself.
That's not to say that we have always seen eye-to-eye, but because Paige is Paige, when she comments, I always pay attention. Paige has left over 150 comments here, and I feel like I know her well - though we've probably barely scratched the surface.
Paige, a stay-at-home mom of five proves that we don't check our brains at the door of motherhood. Her comment on my post the other day led me to ask her to write a guest blog.
I am privileged to publish Paige's take on loving the unlovable:
Loving the Weirdo
by Paige Ulrich When I was a teenager I went through an ugly phase. My aim was basically to be as unappealing as possible. I wore clothes that were too big and black lipstick. I stopped brushing my hair and decided my new personality would be jaded and cynical. I really wanted attention and an extreme appearance seemed like a good way to get it. Most of the people in my life would be shocked or disgusted or bothered and then I wouldn’t feel like such an easily-ignorable nobody.
I had considered the other ways of getting attention - the more positive ones that teachers and parents encourage. But I disregarded things like good grades, attractive clothing, witty speech or drama classes as options because I did not see myself as intelligent, talented or attractive. You can fail at being appealing, but it is hard to mess up being unappealing. All in all, the kind of attention I receive didn’t matter too much as long as I was seen . . . and as long as I had a few like minded friends who understood “me” and thought I was pretty cool.
Back then Marilyn Manson was my hero. He understood me and my type. His song Beautiful People was a perfect articulation of my disgust and anger over being less-than. I had bad acne so I could never be accepted as part of the “in” crowd. Instead I would just reject them all and mock them behind their backs.
Then, after a year or two, I moved on. I started to realize I didn’t like black all that much. I kind of preferred yellow. Industrial rock music gave me a bit of a headache and I preferred acoustic guitar. My story is pretty typical of a teen “phase”. Many other mature adult Christian women have a story much like mine. We can look back and laugh and think “what was going on there?”
A few years ago I was visiting New Orleans, with my toddler, during what turned out to be “Pride” week. The outlandish displays of “ugly” by the participants put to shame the not-so-shocking black lipstick of my teen years. Baggy clothing is nothing compared to a 6ft5 man in a leather mini-skirt. I couldn’t help but feel a little stunned.
What do you say to someone like that? How do you reach them, when they are so steeped in their sick weird sub-culture? The way some of these people present themselves, they hardly even appear human. How do you love thy neighbor, when your neighbor appears to be from another planet?
First, we can decide what NOT to do. This is a lot easier. Don’t turn away in disgust and sprint in the other direction (unless you have small children with you, then avoidance is fine). Don’t break out your bible and start smacking them over the head with it yelling “you’re going to hell”. They have heard it a million times before and it will just fall on deaf ears. Either they don’t believe in hell, or they assume it to be a more pleasant place than hanging out with people like us for eternity. Don’t go to the opposite extreme and affirm their weirdness. Don’t compliment the mini-skirt and ask where he bought his nipple rings. These people think that your ability to accept, and even LIKE, their exhibitionism is the test of whether you are capable of loving them. Whether they consciously realize it or not, their desire is to feel loved and appreciated and viewed as having a unique contribution to the world.
All people should be loved as they DO have a unique contribution, but that contribution is not a skill in the art of weirdness. A person’s depravity is not who they really are (though some think it is), rather it is just a symptom of never being affirmed for their innate goodness. The Holy Spirit that resides in all of us has never been uncovered and shown to them. They don’t know what the Abundant Life is, they have never seen it and as far as they are concerned it doesn’t even exist.
Think back to a time when your friend told you a dirty joke that you didn’t think was appropriate. Oh, the awkwardness. You love your friend and don’t want them to feel judged and criticized. At the same time, you can’t encourage them in a behavior that isn’t good. You wouldn’t want them to encourage you in your faults. So what do you do? Well, if you are me then you ignore it and quickly change the subject. You know that this one instance of obscenity isn’t who your friend really is, so you assume it to be an accidental slip up and not worth paying any mind.
This was the example I received years ago from certain teachers and adults who somehow managed to ask me how my day was, even though I was wearing black lipstick.
They were kind enough to chalk it up to “just a phase” and pay it no mind. Ideally, isn’t all of our bad behavior on our walk with Christ just a phase? Peters denying Christ turned out to be just a phase. Paul’s murder of Christians was just a phase too. Next time a 40 year old man in a black mini asks you directions (hey, it could happen if you sight see on the wrong day), give him directions and wish him well. And that rhinestone neck collar? Just a phase…. But you can say a silent prayer that he grows out of it sooner rather than later.
Thanks, Paige!
Posted in Inspiration | Permalink
Comments
Thank you, Paige. I too ALWAYS read your comments with an extra gleam in my eye, knowing that what I'm about to read is well worth my time. Twenty-six? Wow. It's always a beautiful thing to see people use their God given talents so well.
Posted by: Greta | July 11, 2008 1:52 PM
Beautifully stated, Paige. Just beautiful.
Barbara is right when she said you "suggested a wisdom beyond her 26 years". Every time I read your comments here in the past, I always pictured you in my mind as being a grandma.
I mean that as a compliment! I don't mean to say that you sound old, but you definitely sound wise; the kind of wisdom that comes with the years; I'm very surprised to find out you are that young.
So what's your secret?
Posted by: Lady Lovas | July 11, 2008 1:59 PM
Paige,
Thanks for such a compassionate and articulate commentary. There are so many ways we are called to love a person through the clouds of their appearance or actions. Seeing our common humanity and reacting to that and not the show is the key, as you said so well.
Posted by: Reen | July 11, 2008 2:28 PM
Wow! This is my first time visiting this blog, I just found one of Barbra's books on Amazon. I really enjoyed reading what you wrote Paige. You've given me a lot to think about.
Posted by: Christy | July 11, 2008 3:14 PM
I am so appreciative of the compliments. They are very generous.
But I have to come clean or I fear I will have nightmares of showing up at school naked. ;)
My family use to accuse me of having lofty thoughts but not much action behind them. Unfortunately profundity doesn't always result in maturity. I may occasionally sound like a grandmother, but my behavior is still very "26"...some days even younger. :)
Posted by: paigeu | July 11, 2008 5:44 PM
My daughter currently has a face full of metal (not my choice). I try to convince my mom that "it's just a phase", while trying to convince my daughter that conforming to the way the world looks is not the best plan for making Christian friends...and that she doesn't need to be the weirdo in order to make people prove they accept her for what she is.
At 19, she's wonderful young lady...but still has a face full of metal.
Posted by: MzEllen | July 12, 2008 1:27 PM
Thanks Paige for a wonderful article. This has already sparked a lot of discussion in our household.
Posted by: Momma | July 13, 2008 11:10 PM
