July 16, 2008 9:43 PM
Our financial collapse - and starting over
[Warning: very long - you'll need to click below to get to the collapse part]
Tripp and I have been married for 25 years. During that time we've made a fortune and lost it. When we got married, I brought two daughters into the marriage and we began having children in rapid succession, trusting God to take care of our family.
Which he did - in splendid style. We went from a rented two-bedroom house to buying our first home - in Marin County no less - through an absolute miracle and with barely anything down. Less than two years later, in 1986, we sold that home for a larger one on an acre of land. Two years later we bought a house on eight acres. Our mortgages increased, but so did our equity.
In the meantime we were also building a successful business which eventually had 25 employees and national recognition. We never had any savings - thought of our home and business as our investments.
In 1992 we had a baby with Down syndrome. A year later we had our last birth child. Since then we've adopted three more children with Down syndrome. We were idealistic and kind of naive I suppose, about the money, time and resources these children would require. We were very comfortable financially and everything we turned our hands to seemed to prosper. We were also young evangelicals who leaned to the idea that when God loves you, He just wants to "bless" you. Surveying our large family and our comfortable lifestyle, Tripp and I certainly felt loved and blessed.
But some cracks began to appear in the perfect picture when one of our adopted children began to have a lot more issues than just Down syndrome. Plus higher deductibles and copays all the way around - more appointments, more time away from growing our business than we had anticipated. We had no subsidies or help at the time.
We moved to Virginia in 2002 - in an effort to find a more family-friendly and business-friendly atmosphere. Which I'm happy to say we found :) We had a nest egg from selling our ranch and our business and were ready to repeat our pattern of success here. However, Tripp decided to try a new business and it just didn't work out. We also thought the house we bought was not safe enough for our children and moved to a "bargain" fixer-upper we found in a safer place without first selling our first house (what we thought was a "leap of faith"). We ended up carrying two mortgages for a year even as we watched Tripp's new endeavor fail.
Tripp took a job selling trucks and we refinanced our house to see us through for a while.
I guess you can tell where this story is going.
In the last few years, our efforts to downsize were hampered by the downward spiral and glut of houses for sale in Loudoun. Obsessed with keeping good credit, I began borrowing on credit lines to make our mortgage payments on time. Eventually I was juggling a crushing amount of debt, even as we were dealing with the car industry's plummeting sales.
Last fall I told you how we had forestalled the threat of foreclosure by negotiating with our lender for a fixed rate and skipping a few payments (well, they weren't exactly skipped, but added to the principal balance). But that was not enough to pull us out of the mess we'd created.
In May we began to face the fact that the only option left for us was to declare bankruptcy and allow our house to be foreclosed. It has been an excruciatingly painful emotional process - dealing with the sense of failure and shame, knowing how harshly we may be judged.
We interviewed several lawyers before we found one we felt comfortable with. He is an older gentleman and very gruff. His office is an hour away, but it was worth it to find someone who I felt had a lot of integrity. I cried through our first appointments and - as I said, he was gruff and reserved. But one thing he told Tripp was that while, yes, a lot of people did try to work the system, the constitutional remedy of bankruptcy was made for cases like ours.
That doesn't make me feel a whole lot better about the whole thing. But this is my life and my job is to share it - no matter how imperfect or failed or blameworthy - to help others in whatever ways God sees fit. Maybe as a cautionary tale. Maybe as a way to put a face on something many of us have judged from afar. Maybe as a way of showing others in similar circumstances where the hope lies.
That's the best part - where the hope lies. The part where God reaches down and picks us up and tells us that no matter how our friends or family feel, Our Heavenly Father does not leave us or forsake us. Never has and never will.
I can't begin to tell you the series of little miracles which have led to us signing the lease on the house we will be renting for at least the next two years. While I was expecting that we would be giving up the peace and privacy we have enjoyed for 20 years of living on country properties - and I was completely surrendered because in my heart I felt we deserved to be punished for our failure as stewards - the very first place I saw when I began searching the Internet was a house on 14 acres in a much friendlier part of Loudoun (Bluemont) at around the same price as the homes in in-town developments. It was just a mile down the road from a realtor/friend of ours and I called to ask him to show it to us.
I fell in love with it instantly and actually like it much better than the house we've been living in. It has a brand new kitchen and bathrooms and a front porch with a swing. It backs onto a creek and there is even a swimming pool - which is such a luxury, but one that's put to good use by our sons with Down syndrome who stay in great shape by swimming every day.
As I walked into the back yard, I spotted six white-tailed deer standing so still that I thought they were statues. Then they turned and leapt over the stacked stone fence which surrounds the property. I started crying, thinking how this was so much more than we deserved. And while I didn't hear God's words, it was one of those moments where I felt His reassurance: "It's okay. This is where I want you."
We still went to see the other places available - on smaller lots, busy streets, no protection for four mentally-challenged kids. And then we had to jump through the hoops of proving to our new landlords that we were trustworthy. I wrote them a letter to accompany our application, explaining the back-story and also selling us as good tenants since we'd lived in the country for so long and knew how to take care of wells and septic systems and swimming pools. The house had been vacant for a very long time - for sale or rent. I think it was waiting for us.
All the kids will be in the same schools - Blue Ridge, Harmony, and Loudoun Valley High. Justin will switch from Waterford to Round Hill, but because he has a good IEP (thank God I finally realized just how important that document is) he should be able to make a seamless transition.
So next Thursday we begin moving. It will take us ten days or so. In the midst of it all, life will continue to hurry on. Jonny and Maddy are in rehearsal for Godspell and will have performances. Sophia is directing Dear Edwina and will have performances. Various doctors’ appointments and speech therapy sessions.
And than a biggie: Jonny is having foot surgery August 4 and I can't postpone it as I've been postponing now for eight months because of his sports and theater commitments. He will have a six week recovery, but should be okay to hobble back to school in September.
Ben comes home August 2. Zach and Ben and Sophia leave for Liberty August 15 (poor Sophia! moving two weeks before leaving for freshman year - not the best timing, but then again it's not up to me).
Yes, life goes on. Out from under our mortgage, we were able to get Jesse the 5000. worth of oral surgery he's needed for a few years (only 1000. covered by our insurance). In September we plan for Tripp to get the knee surgery he's needed for at least five years but couldn't get because he couldn't take off work that long.
We are looking forward to starting over – which sounds weird because I just turned 60 after all. But after getting past the grief and remorse there is that sense of peace that comes when you’ve run out all your options and are completely dependent on God : oh, yes, this is how it’s supposed to be – not up to me at all.
Yes, it can be a wonderful thing to own a house, but when the house ends up owning you, it’s not so wonderful after all. So for our family at this time, we are headed in the right direction.
Funny, but in March 2007, I wrote about my yearning to downsize – a yearning which was thwarted by our inability to sell our house. God was already preparing my heart so I could embrace this outcome.
Which is part of the reason I share this story – because no matter what happens or how others may judge our circumstances, God has shown clearly that He hasn't given up on us at all. And ultimately, I am glad that after years of successful building we have now experienced being thrown back with nothing on God's mercy. It is when I am humbled that I feel close to Him, and when I am at the end of myself that I can truly say simply, “Not my will, but thine.”
Lessons I could never have learned without living through them.
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Comments
Barbara, Thank you so much for sharing this. It is such a wonderful reminder to me of how good it feels to turn something over to our Father and embrace whatever He sends our way. Why do we struggle and worry and try to "make it work" when it feels so good to finally lay it down before Him. So often I feel like a child saying "Daddy, I broke this. Will you fix it?" But I believe that is exactly what He wants us to do.
I know this hasn't been an easy thing for you and trying to walk through it with the move and all the other things you have coming up certainly won't be easy either. I'll be praying for you over the next weeks. I appreciate so much your willingness to be open and allow us to see the real you!
Posted by: Shannon Miller | July 16, 2008 11:55 PM
Thank you for sharing so much of this part of your life. Even though there are transient disappointments, it is so encouraging to read how you have allowed God to unfold all of this (and how He has) . . . and it makes me pretty certain that one day your memoir will be a must-read! :-)
Posted by: Monica | July 17, 2008 1:26 AM
Barbara,
Wow, this must be an incredibly difficult time in your life. Thank you for your vulnerability and transparency in sharing. I hope your move will take the pressure off your family and enable you to regroup and regain your financial footing.
I am a daily reader of your blog and someone who greatly admires and respects you. I sincerely doubt your readers will judge you and Tripp or think negatively about the decisions you have made. Any one of us could be faced with the same financial collapse. With the state of the economy, the changes in the mortgage industry and out-of-control prices, most people are one major set-back away from having to start over.
I pray God will meet your every need and bless you and your family beyond your wildest imagination.
Elizabeth
Posted by: ElizabethMThompson | July 17, 2008 1:47 AM
Dear Barbara,
May God continue to bless you and may you all continue to recognize all of His blessings! What an inspiration you are to me. I am right now muddling through the morass of our own financial woes and lamenting the shakiness of my own faith in the fact that the Lord does provide. Whenever I give in to the fear that I feel over our tenuous situation, I'm coming back here to reread this post! Thank you so much for sharing. I don't want to take advantage of your situation in any way, but it's good to know this does happen to well-intentioned people who do live through it. God's peace be with you!
Posted by: Maggie | July 17, 2008 2:17 AM
My first job out of college was at a Bankruptcy Atty's office. He did debtor's rights and I have to say it was really eye-opening to realize that these things happen to everyday people all the time. There is such a stigma associated with bankruptcy but most of our clients were just in situations that were beyond their control. My boss's favorite quote was "There but for the grace of God go I." Never think for a second that this could not happen to you because it could.
Thank you for your willingness to share and may the Lord bless you and keep you.
Posted by: Jen K. | July 17, 2008 8:20 AM
Barbara:
Call me and I will come help you pack. I'll have Greg watch the kids and I'll come help out. Seriously, I will....Shoot, if nothing else, I'll bring you some tea and cookies.
I am glad that your situation is working out. Thanks for sharing your story. It will help many people.
with love,
Suzanne
Posted by: suzanne | July 17, 2008 9:07 AM
Barbara,
God is so good! Your family has been lifted to the heights and carried through the lows, and with your deep Faith you are trusting in His providence once again. I can't imagine that anyone could be critical of your situation, considering that any one of us could be right where you are next week.
You are such a trooper and I know it must be hard to keep smiling and keep writing as you wonder through each step. But here you are, sharing and giving your story to the world. We are Blest by you and your family. You are always in our prayers.
Posted by: Jennifer | July 17, 2008 9:23 AM
Thank you for sharing that story, Barbara. It did minister to me.
It made me thankful for having to utterly depend on the Lord (which I was pretty much FORCED to do right now at this time in our life!) and it made me see how God CHOOSES to bless us over and over. We are in His hands. I thank you for being so transparent and willing to share.
Posted by: Andrea | July 17, 2008 9:42 AM
You will be in my prayers. We went though a similar situation four years ago. We are finally coming out the otherside. I loved a quote from yesterdays readings and find it very comforting: Psalm 94:19 When the cares of my heart are many, thy consolations cheer my soul.(RSV)
God bless your family.
Posted by: Sara | July 17, 2008 9:59 AM
Thank you so much for sharing your life with us, Barbara. The good, the bad and the ugly! That's why I love you so and appreciate your honesty. I'm praying for all that is going on in your life right now. God is good, isn't he?
Love,
Libby
Posted by: Libby | July 17, 2008 10:39 AM
Thank you for sharing. I will pray for you and your family during this move. We've been in a similar position, starting over financially eight years ago. The lessons learned from depending on God for everything were priceless. He was always faithful to meet our needs, sometimes in amazing ways. I pray that He will continue to use you and your willingness to share what He's doing in your life and will bless you and yours.
Posted by: Sandy C. | July 17, 2008 10:41 AM
Barbara,
Thank you for trusting us, your readers, enough to share what I'm sure it a hard thing for you to talk about. As a dear friend of mine says, "Because we have faith in the Lord God, everything is fine in the end. If it isn't fine, it isn't the end." I try to hold onto these words as life seems to enjoy throwing curve balls at me. Constantly. From every direction!
Side note: Since you're at home caring for your kids and coordinating their care/needs and since your husband's income has decreased, and since you have such a large family, your kids MAY be eligibile for Virginia's FAMIS program which would provide them with comprehensive health care at no cost (medical/dental/optical/prescription drugs).
FAMIS is not Medicaid - it is for children of families who make too much money to qualify for Medicaid but have a hard time affording quality health care.
Before I got sick, I was a social worker at a non-profit medical clinic in Virginia. I've helped a ton of families get singed up, so feel free to email for more information, or just google "Virginia FAMIS."
May your move go as smoothly as possible :)
Peace.
Posted by: Anna | July 17, 2008 11:03 AM
Take care of yourself, Barbara. You have a lot going on. You need to stay healthy and in good spirits, for your children.
Your life has been really complicated. It sounds likes it's going to become simpler. I'm so glad you found a good place to live.
May the move go well, with no back injuries or major damage to furniture. :-)
Posted by: Julana | July 17, 2008 11:05 AM
Praying for this transition -- a lot on your plate!
Posted by: Jenn Miller | July 17, 2008 12:56 PM
Thank you for sharing your story! It reminds me to be real with others about my own failures, and to rely on God's grace - which is so abundant!
Blessings!
Posted by: Pam | July 17, 2008 3:42 PM
My dh is a bankruptcy attorney and trustee, and in fact we returned a few days ago from a big bankruptcy conference in San Francisco. How there can be much stigma left is beyond me, though, because it is NOT slowing down. I imagine you would be surprised to know how many of your friends and neighbors have gone through it themselves.
Several people in our family have had to file bankruptcy and still the world kept turning. God restored the years the locusts had eaten, in His perfect timing.
As always, your candor and transparency are appreciated.
Posted by: Jill S | July 17, 2008 4:16 PM
Barbara, I sound like a broken record, reading the comments here already, but I have to say it too: thank you for continuing to be an example for us about how to live life transparently. You are kingdom bound and Jesus is working on your mortgage-less mansion right now. To Him be the glory in your days, in His way. Blessings, sister!
Posted by: Jacqueline | July 17, 2008 4:49 PM
Thank you so much for this post, I so needed it right now. We have been having some financing problems and while we haven't had to file bankruptcy it has been a very trying time for us. I hope you know how much you have touched your readers with your blog.
Thank you
Posted by: Bridget | July 17, 2008 11:00 PM
Dear Momma C: I'm so sorry to hear all you are going thru, but I am blessed to read of the many ways God is moving to provide for your family. My prayers are with you. (sorry I can't write too much...need surgery on right hand and it hurts to type; I'll tell you all about it once I recover)
Posted by: LadyLovas | July 17, 2008 11:35 PM
In the end, it is His approval.......not mere man's opinion that we seek.
God will have all the glory in your family because you safely trust in Him.
{{{hugs}}} and love, Carolyne
Posted by: Carolyne | July 18, 2008 12:01 AM
Barbara, there is no shame in doing your best. We all have consequences to our actions along the way, some larger then others. I am sure bankruptcy feels very big at the moment. Thank you for telling us the truth, and for your continued work towards building families one post at a time. My very best to you and the family. I will keep in prayer for you all!
Posted by: Imajackson | July 18, 2008 12:55 AM
Just now catching up with comments......
Barbara, bless you as you start a new venture.
And bless you for being so genuine and transparent! I think this is part of what makes me love you and continues to bring me back here, despite not really having the time to do so :-).
It sounds as though God is already blessing you through the steps that you've taken. Imagine!--leasing a house such as you described and how it meets the needs of your downsers.
I'm praying for your rest and stamina during this busy time.
And, I look forward to reading how God blesses your family over and over on this new journey.
Jeremiah 29:11
Posted by: von | July 21, 2008 9:31 PM
Barbra,
We are going through some similar issues, thank you for being willing to share your difficulties. Your post encouraged me so much today! Thank you.
I will be praying for you...
Posted by: Tonya | July 23, 2008 12:13 PM
Barbara, somehow I missed this post originally, but want to thank you for sharing your experience and wish you well as you make this change. I can imagine as a true breath of relief!
We too have been thinking of downsizing for over a year but the crashed housing market in Sac on top of our (in hindsight, foolish) decision to put very little down on this house purchase has left us upside down and pretty much stuck. But dh was laid off recently and we are beginning to think of it as our silver lining in possibly negotiating with our lender to get out from under with maybe a short sale. I struggle because I feel we deserve punishment for our poor stewardship but am trying to at least be openminded to the possibilities.
Posted by: Alison | July 25, 2008 12:57 AM
