July 25, 2008 6:35 AM
Overweight spouse - what can you do?
Hi Barbara,I was wondering if you had time to address a "weighty" issue. I have followed your weight loss story and admired it, as I'm sure many others have. It has been particularly encouraging to me because my husband is very overweight and I have hoped for a long time that he would be able to lose weight.
I have tried to encourage him with your story and others, but he doesn't seem to be interested. I wonder what you think the best approach is for someone to take when a loved one is obese. I have told him that I worry about his health and he knows that I love him very much and want him around for as long as possible to see our children grow up. I often think of the ending of Cheaper by the Dozen (the original) when the father dies. I find myself worrying about that to happening to us.
His obesity is affecting his sleep (sleep apnea), his career, his health, his mood... every area of his life, it seems, yet he doesn't seem to be able to stop himself from gaining. I know I can't do it for him, but I would like to know, from your perspective, what CAN I do?
This was sent to me by a reader, but I know several people who could have written it - women who've maintained their attractive appearance AND their devotion to husbands who are grossly overweight. And vice-versa - wives who've thrown in the flag of surrender as far as their weight goes.
As a person who marched down that defeatist path for 12 years and ended up 100 pounds overweight, I was amazed when I came out of my own denial why my family never intervened in my self-destruction. When I ask them, they say they prayed for me. Tripp says he thought it was part of learning to love me unconditionally.
But I have to wonder how my family ever put up with a woman whose weight made her so out of synch with the vitality of the rest of the family - especially when I see pictures of myself like this before and after (I shudder to publish these, but as an encouragement to others I must). The first is December 2005 making enchiladas for the family on Christmas Eve, the second in October 2007 in Chicago for a radio interview:
I have written so much about my weight loss journey - which you can read by going here, scrolling to the bottom and reading forward. I will sum it up briefly:
Being overweight was based on denial and selfishness which I had to face and become honest about. Selfishness because I was not able to give my best to my husband and children when I was overweight. I was sluggish and inactive, sitting back when the family played ball or threw Frisbees.
By being overweight, I postponed spiritual lessons God had in store for me - getting rid of my sense of entitlement, rewarding myself for "good" behavior. I was obviously overly self-indulgent - which is truly incompatible with a life dedicated to becoming conformed to the image of Christ.
Here are issues that I no longer have since losing weight: snoring, excessive sweating, breathlessness, high blood pressure (was 180/130 - now 130/80), fatigue (falling asleep at my computer, needing naps), swollen feet and ankles.
I don't want to be like a gung-ho ex-smoker crusading against smokers. We are all on different trajectories and growing spiritually in fits and starts. All I know is : Sometimes you see the light at the end of the tunnel and you begin to rush towards it and next thing you know, you're there.
I don't know what made February 2, 2006 different than the hundreds of days that had come before. But I embarked on a strict diet that day. I used the Fat Flush Fast Track DeTox diet - cycling through seven days of the diet and one day fasting. As I did, my attitude toward food began to change, and the pure hell of the first five days gave way to the heaven of being in control of my impulses.
Could someone have launched me to do the right thing earlier? I can't say for certain. But I do know that when people are in denial - which fat people are - a dysfunctional family system often forms around them. It reminds me of alcoholism in that regard - an illness that affects everyone in the family.
It teaches families to lie, to pretend that something that matters tremendously doesn't matter at all. When I used to say "I need to go on a diet," Maddy always said, "Mom, you're not fat. I think you're beautiful." Maddy was a young child then - a child who loved her mom and wanted to please. Now that I have lost weight, she is free to revisit that. I am sure that though my family would never admit it was painful to have such a fat mother, that it was.
This is a familiar pattern in alcoholism, where the family often protects and defends the alcoholic from facing the consequences of their addiction. They also fall into a pattern of "enabling" - which I am reminded of when I hear of extremely obese customers at the Golden Corral who can barely waddle to the buffet, so send their family members to fetch them seconds, thirds and fourths. A family can enable a fat member by offering them more food than they need, telling them they are not overweight, that you love them the way they are.
Loving people the way they are is one thing. But loving them to death is another. Obesity kills. While in the process of losing weight, I went for a checkup and noticed that everyone in my doctor's waiting room was overweight. When I asked him what percentage of everyday health problems he saw each day were due to overweight, he said perhaps 90%. That's ballpark - and anecdotal - but it's probably pretty close to the truth.
Which means that obese people are costing our society a great deal - in wasted medical resources and jacked-up health insurance costs. I think the Boomers in particular have set a bad example by demanding drugs to deal with the symptoms of poor diet choices: High blood pressure, high cholesterol, acid indigestion/reflux, sleep apnea, and in some cases diabetes.
For all these reasons - the devastating effect on the obese person's spiritual condition, the family's honesty and authenticity, and the cultural ramifications of being a drain on resources and a poor role model - I guess I would encourage a more proactive approach on the part of families.
Sometimes the families of alcoholics come out of their denial and spend time with a professional preparing for an intervention. The prep time is necessary to break through each person's own denial about how the alcoholic's stubborn clinging to his addiction is affecting him or her. Then each individual needs to work on getting psychologically/spiritually/emotionally healthy enough to lovingly confront the alcoholic about the reality of the situation and the need for change. Each member needs to get clear on how they will change their own behavior to stop enabling the alcoholic and to encourage him to change.
We went through this process with my MIL 20some years ago and she went into a treatment center and did learn how to live without alcohol, which definitely improved the quality of the remaining years with her family (she died in 2002 from emphysema).
In regards to obesity, this may sound drastic. But not unheard of, as I just found by googling obesity and intervention and family. I think the principles here could be put to use by a family wanting to break the cycle of obesity in a family member who may appear fine on the outside but on the inside is dying.
I can say that with some assurance because I am on the other side now myself (though I still have 20 pounds I'm struggling with - obviously not hard enough). Though I was smiling and happy in appearance, looking back I can finally admit how difficult it was to live a life hampered by carrying so much extra weight around. I look at my 13 year old son Jesse, who weighs 80 pounds, and imagine how it would feel to lug him around with me all the time.
How could I ever have pretended that was normal?
So I guess my message to anyone of the mind that by accepting a spouse who is overweight you are demonstrating unconditional love: No! That is not unconditional love. That is just being resigned to watching your spouse continue an unhealthy pattern that will affect you and your children in a negative way by encouraging denial and inauthenticity.
I would recommend getting very clear on the spiritual and emotional dimensions and implications for the whole family (How have I encouraged - by tolerating - the obesity? Is it unconditional love to allow someone to persist in self-destructive behavior? How have I pretended/minimized/overlooked feelings about my loved one's appearance/behavior?), talking it over with other family members and friends (yes, behind the obese person's back because a successful intervention depends on the element of surprise), and then lovingly confronting the person who so desperately needs help and change.
I can't say that I know of anyone who's done this, but I think this kind of thoughtful, intentional approach - backed with prayer - might be effective. Give the person the assurance that you love them and want the best for them and that you are willing to support him or her as a team - exercising, eating healthy foods, etc.
But the bottom line is that the obese person must deal with the consequences of years of excess, which means that sometimes he will have to deny himself what others are able to indulge in - and to learn to do it without feelings of self-pity. We are not entitled to eat more than we need. It's just that simple.
Remember, my radical approach is due to the fact that I'm now looking back on years I feel I wasted behind layers of fat that immobilized me and kept me from reaching my potential. I would give anything to relive those years as a slim and attractive and active parent - who was modeling good character and self-discipline rather than just talking about it.
My prayer is that these ideas may start some conversations that need to be started in families that are falling even a little bit short of the goal of health and wholeness because one member is stuck.
Sometimes I feel like the Queen of Fresh Starts. In just 3 1/2 years, this blog has taken me on a journey through levels of increasing authenticity - with myself, my family and my world. I never knew that that would somehow be the point. But I hope that by sharing my trials and triumphs I have provided hope for others.
There is a life beyond being fat. And it is worth every painful step toward honesty and every act of self-denial you take to get there. I can only hope that by sharing how God set me free, others might begin to see the great possibility that lies before them too.
This was taken while I was 2/3 of the way through my weight loss. The pants were mine, size 22w:
Comments
Barbara,
Excellent, excellent post! Well said...every bit of it! I wish my mom could read this. I would send it to her, but she would probably not take it in the spirit in which it was sent.
And I like the fact that you said we are not entitled to eat more than you need - that is simply gluttony and God calls it sin. I am definitely guilty of this in my life.
Thank you for a fresh perspective!!!
Love,
Libby
P.S. Congratulations on your weight loss. You are a beautiful woman!!!
Posted by: Libby | July 25, 2008 10:12 AM
Brilliant piece Barbara. I'm printing it out and sharing it with one or two people who I think need this. I love how your unflinching honesty is just that. No snidey loftiness on those who don't 'get it' yet.
'In the back of the net!' ( as my footie mad husband would say)
Posted by: Clare | July 25, 2008 10:44 AM
Oh, and by the way. I am even more impressed that you can write a piece like that in the middle of all the upheaval of moving! I doff my cap!
Posted by: Clare | July 25, 2008 10:46 AM
Barbara, I'm struggling with this too. My husband is one half inch taller than I am, but weighs twice as much (and I'm a size 10/12!). But I don't know what to do.
He knows that I will help him and support him. He knows that I will not buy the junk food, etc. when grocery shopping. He was successfully on a diet - and lost 20 lbs. - in Feb. 2008, and then our lives were thrown into upheaval and he gained back 30.
I feel helpless and scared. He is the provider for nine people. It is very difficult and expensive to get life insurance for a man who is 150 lbs. overweight.
But, I can't control him. I feel there is nothing I can do without harming our relationship. At the same time, I get resentful when he is sick - because he will not eat healthy foods. Or rather, when he eats UNhealthy foods when away from the house. When he won't follow through on promised walks and trips with the kids because he's too tired. When he has to constantly buy new clothes, because the old ones are worn out (in the thigh, from rubbing together).
...and, please don't shudder when publishing those pictures! You are NOT your appearance, and it is the interior of the heart that matters. 1 Pet 3:3
Posted by: Milehimama | July 25, 2008 2:52 PM
Oh, I hear you on this one. I actually had weight loss surgery last year (got a band) and it was the best decision I've ever made! I still need to be in control and make good decisions, but for the first time ever, I've had success at losing weight! I've lost 55 pounds and only have about 20 to go. I love it. My whole life has changed!
I grew up with a mom who was heavy and I didn't want my children to have that same experience. I'm only 34 and have health issues that may mean that I don't have "my whole life ahead of me." So, I want to enjoy the life I do have.
Sadly, my husband is also about 40 pounds overweight and is not truly willing to do much about it. He's watched my success (and renewed energy!) and talks about making changes, but never really does. I haven't really known how to approach this with him in a way that is not judgmental, but you've given me some ideas. He has high blood pressure, doesn't sleep well and probably has diabetes in his future (as did I - I was pre-diabetic! Thankfully, my blood sugars are normal now!). I try to tell him that we can't leave our children totally parent-less! I think part of his problem is that deep down, he doesn't want to live to be old because he's fairly certain I won't be old with him (I almost died a couple of years ago, so he has some standing with this line of thought). While that is a possibility, no one knows the future. Technology is changing all the time and great strides are being made in the field of my issue. Plus, God is in control.
But thank you for your openness and honesty regarding this issue. You've given me some things to think about. :)
Posted by: Lucy | July 26, 2008 12:49 AM
If he has allergies, hidden food allergies may be making it really tough to lose the weight.
I lost the 20 pounds that didn't come off after my 2nd child. When I went on a food allergy diet, with no effort at all, after a few days of pain (you go through a period of worsening of symptoms and headaches) I lost all desire to eat as much as I had been eating, and also had more energy to exercise.
A thyroid imbalance can be another medical reason for difficult weight loss.
Other than that, I can't be much help--whatever I ate before my food allergies, I didn't gain weight. While I had food allergies but didn't realize it, no matter how I tried to limit what I ate or how hard I exercised, I couldn't lose a pound. Now, as long as I stay away from foods I'm allergic to, my weight stays fine without effort.
Posted by: ElizabethB | July 26, 2008 3:02 AM
Barbara, It took me 9 days to read this whole thing. I knew I needed to but just do not want to face TRUTH. How did you get thru the first days until you started to make a new habit? I do not have much practice making radical changes in my life that you seem to specialize in. I need to lose the same amount as my 7 year old and she is too heavy as well. The sins of this mother are visited on my kids as well.
Posted by: Jane Duquette | August 3, 2008 5:01 PM
Thanks for an interesting article Barbara (Jennifer F from Conversion Diary linked your site)
Food is an issue for my family and (as a medical student) and whilst i never think of my younger sister and mother as 'fat', I know they are overweight, probably obese according to their BMIs. Whilst my family generally eats very healthy meals, its the indulgent serving sizes and constant grazing that are my undoing. Whilst I am not overweight, I realised about a year ago that I REALLY struggle with self control, not just in eating but in many areas of my life. I realised that my denial of circumstances yet delusion of being in control, my impossibly high expectations of myself and yet low self esteem, my sense of entitlement yet need to punish myself, self deprivation and binging.... these are the daily battles that I have struggled with in emotional eating, in daily spritual disciplines, in procrastination and study.
I can relate to alot of what you've said in your articles - I find it encouraging that I'm not the only one and that there is still hope.
I have joined an Overeaters Anonymous group which is based on the 12 steps and traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous so I understand your analogy to Alcholism.
http://www.oa.org/twelve_steps.html
Whilst OA is not for everyone, I found that it addressed the underlying issues of my behaviour and not just concentrating on the food, and provided the accountability and a sense of comradeship - as we share each week I am amazed at how I can relate to the person next to me as we share very intimate, often 'shameful' details of our lives.
I am happy to say that I have been almost two weeks without bingeing and overeating and it feels like a burden has been taken off my soul.
I encourage all those of you like me - there is hope.
Posted by: F | November 21, 2008 10:09 PM
I know this is an old post, but wanted to update a bit, since last year I seemed overly anxious.
Husband is still overweight, but his blood pressure is low (around 110/70, consistently) and a recent cholesterol check has him under 200. He also has been eating healthier, on his own.
Too much weight causes many problems, but thanks be to God, cardiac problems seem not to be in his future!
Barbara, thanks for providing a safe place for women to talk about "taboo" subjects!
Posted by: Milehimama | May 31, 2009 3:33 PM
You look about 20 years younger!!! Good for you!! What a wonderful acocmplishment! Best wishes!
Posted by: Cyndie | June 27, 2009 7:00 PM
