January 27, 2009 9:08 AM
Maturing mom - love never stops growing
There's a lot you take for granted when you're a younger mother - like being around your children every day. And I'm thinking in retrospect that if we only realized how quickly those years go by and how different the other side of parenting, we'd never complain about the sacrifice we make when our children are little.
I say this because I only have five children still left at home (and Matt, who's been a wonderful adult presence since November) - and if it hadn't been for adopting a few, I'd really only have two.
Now my life is full of hellos and goodbyes with older children, and those fleeting moments we spend together are filled with feelings and memories.
I was blessed this weekend to be in the company of 7 of my kids. Matt, Jonny, Maddy, Jesse and I drove down to Liberty to see Ben in The Magic Flute. Sophia was working backstage (and busy striking the set when these pictures were taken) and Zachary - who with Ben will graduate this year - watched the show with us.
Afterwards, we went out to dinner. Some of us went to Mass the next morning and then we met for breakfast at IHOP. So the eight of us were able to spend a few hours eating together and catching up on the few weeks since they went back for second semester.
It's a wonderful phase of parenthood when you can see the fruit of your labor. And what I'm realizing is that it doesn't matter so much what your children have accomplished as the kind of people they have grown to be. What I love about being around my grownup/semi-grownup children en masse is that they love being around each other. They are all like best friends. And the communication style they grew up with means we can talk about anything without risking someone's taking offense. They seem to be emotionally healthy and resilient.
It's as though Matt's being gone and the trauma we all went through five years ago never happened - or maybe that its happening has actually made everything richer. Relationships have been restored and healed.
As a mom, the sad part is when my children bring up something where I made a wrong call and they were treated unjustly. Then I can't help but cry and urge them to always tell me about these memories so I can tell them I'm sorry. Parents aren't perfect and I know how it hurts to have a parent who just can't acknowledge how they hurt you. I definitely want the opportunity to free every relationship in our family from the burden of unspoken hurt.
Children are so forgiving - and words of apology can bring healing. Yes, it hurts to admit you were not perfect. But clinging to self-image robs us of the chance to have more authentic and real relationships.
Anyway, it leads to awkward moments as when I burst into tears at IHOP because of a wrong judgment I made when Ben was little. Now when he tells me as an adult that his intentions were really good rather than the bad ones I suspected, I can believe him. We've all been children and all know how bad it feels to be misjudged by a parent. And these little hurts can fester inside.
So my advice to parents whose children are grown is to keep the doors open to hearing things that will bring you disappointment in yourself. Being a good parent means being humble and vulnerable. Clinging to an image of perfection will prevent your relationships with your adult children from being all they could be.
How glad I am I had so many children! Oh, but this feeling that your heart is holding so much it could burst!
Posted in Family, My life | Permalink
Comments
Barbara, thanks for sharing this! I take your advice to heart. I want my family to know they can come to me with any pain I may cause them so I can seek their forgiveness and healing. I would not want my children to carry a hurt or resentment into adulthood.
Posted by: Elizabeth M Thompson | January 27, 2009 11:30 AM
You have such a beautiful family! I wanted to thank you, too, for sharing this. It is something I have really, really tried to do all along with my children -- teach them, by example, that apologizing when you've made a mistake or hurt someone is *so* important.
Posted by: Wendy in VA | January 27, 2009 1:51 PM
Soooooo beautifully said, Barbara!
Posted by: Betty Connally | January 27, 2009 1:52 PM
That is a beautiful picture of you and your children together.
Posted by: Elissa | January 27, 2009 2:08 PM
In the past year that I've been reading your blog, my heart has opened more to having many more children then I thought I would, either by birth or adoption. Your encouraging words are such a beautiful reminder of how children indeed are a blessing. In this world where children are not valued and life is not valued, words like yours are rare, but especially needed! Thank you again!
Posted by: Addie | January 27, 2009 4:46 PM
ahhh, THIS is why I love and admire you with my whole heart (ok, yes, there's million other reasons). I sure hope God helps me to be a Mama like you!
Posted by: Greta | January 27, 2009 5:08 PM
What a wonderful post and I love the picture of you with your children. I hope and pray my children look just as happy to spend time with their mother when they're that age.
I pray my own mother will some day understand that she's not perfect. We have a harmed relationship because of her inability to admit she can be wrong.
Thanks for having such a wonderful blog. I love visiting here.
Posted by: Theresa | January 28, 2009 6:01 PM
