February 16, 2009 10:41 AM
Engaged couples: questions for parents
Ben and Anna are getting married May 22. As part of their preparation, they gave Tripp and me the following questions to answer. They're from a book called Preparing for Marriage
Ben is our fourth to marry and the first to ask for our input. I guess the marriage prep our other three went through didn't include it. Also, Tripp and I have noticed that our younger children are much more interested in what we think and give it more respect. Don't know if that's a common pattern as parents mature
Anyway, Tripp and I were so blessed to be considered an important part of their preparation. Thinking that anyone could benefit from sharing in a similar manner, I thought I'd publish the questions here:
Parental Wisdom Project
"My son, observe the commandment of your father, And do not forsake the teaching of your mother." (Proverbs 6:20)
"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you." (Exodus 20:12)This project is designed to help you accomplish two things.
First, it will help you honor your parents by seeking their advice and counsel. The process of asking your parents these questions also offers you insight and wisdom from those who know you best (or at leastr the longest!). keep in mind that as an adult, you are responsible for your own decisions in life, You are not asking your parents to make the decision about getting married. You are simply gaining their input, insights and counsel.
Second, it will help you honor your future in-laws by involving them in the process of helping you understand how to love their son or daughter. Your relationship with your in-laws can be one of the richest in your life when you begin your marriage by honoring them. . . . .1) What strengths do you see in my life that will help me in marriage?
2) What weaknesses do you see in my life that will be a challenge for me to work on and overcome in my marriage?
3) If you could give me one piece of advice about marriage (based on what you did right or wrong) what would it be and why?
4) What is your best advice to me in the following areas as I embark on this new adventure called marriage?
5) If you could keep just one memory, experience, or time together in all your married life, what would it be and why?
6) Is there anything special that you'd like us to include in the wedding ceremony?
7) How do you anticipate my relationship with you as my parents, will change now that I am marrying and establishing a new family and home?
8) How would you like to handle holidays?
9) If God gives us children, how involved would you like us to be involved in their lives?
10) Would you like us to drop in unannounced or call before visiting?
11) Do you have any specific expectations about where we will attend church?
To my child's intended:
1)What are some qualities you see in me, or know about me, that make you think I am the right person for your son/daughter?
2) What unique and personal advice would you give me about Ben that will help me be the life partner he needs?
3) What would you like me to call you after we are married?
Posted in Family, Marriage | Permalink
Comments
Wow! What a great way to start a marriage by knowing the answers to these questions! Thank you for sharing.
Lisa
Posted by: Lisa | February 16, 2009 12:49 PM
Wow! These are great. Our marriage prep didn't have anything like this, and other than asking "what advice do you have for us?" we didn't really address a lot of these issues with our parents.
I especially like how some of the meatier issues like holidays and children are addressed. I have a good friend who is going through some growing pains with her in-laws after the birth of her first child and I think it would have been great to set down at the beginning and really talk about everyone's expectations.
I guess I'm looking at this from the perspective of someone who was fairly recently married, but I think that it's great! The questions really get to the heart of marriage and faimly life and I think you'll be able to use them to really bless your son and his fiance. Very cool.
Posted by: lauren | February 16, 2009 1:05 PM
What a beautiful exercise to do and I imagine a very fruitful one if everyone enters into it with the same positive goal in mind. My only question would be what about the answers that might come from parents who weren't happy with their child's choice of a spouse. Would an objective third party person (like a priest or counselor) be able to see where answers might be given that are an attempt to manipulate or dissuade a child from marrying this person or from getting married at all?
Posted by: Charlotte (Matilda) | February 16, 2009 1:17 PM
what a nice thing to do! and what an honor to be asked to participate as a parent. Those are great questions too.
Way to go Ben!
Posted by: LadyLovas | February 16, 2009 2:06 PM
This is SO GREAT Barbara! I LOVE IT!! We went through marriage counseling, but I don't remember asking questions of our parents about anything!
I also agree with what Lauren wrote:
I especially like how some of the meatier issues like holidays and children are addressed. I have a good friend who is going through some growing pains with her in-laws after the birth of her first child and I think it would have been great to set down at the beginning and really talk about everyone's expectations
These issues, like how the relationship changes with parents/in-laws after marriage should definitely be discussed! Holidays, children, all these issues can be pretty heated at times when you are in the thick of it, and everyone has different expectations. Also issues, like how often will we visit, if we live far away? Will there be hurt feelings if we don't visit " often enough".. Oh boy, the list could go on and on... I am so thrilled to see a couple that is willing to deal with these issues prior to the marriage.The closest thing I have ever heard to anything like this was a dear friend of mine who sat down with her mother-in-law prior to the birth of their first child, and had a real honest chat about what she would want/not want after the baby was born.
Congrats to Ben and Anna! Barbara, I'm sure it's a blessing to be a part of your family!
Posted by: Lisa | February 16, 2009 3:07 PM
It would have been valuable in our case. We went through the Catholic pre cana but it did not include our parents in any way.
I think it's wonderful that Ben and Anna are giving you a chance to participate in this marriage preparation. In your case, you and Tripp, are happy about the marriage, but in situations where parents have not felt that way, this is a good time to take a deep breath and look for the positive aspects even as you give out advice and cautions.
Is this through the Catholic church or through a campus ministry?
[It's a campus ministry using the book I mentioned above. They are also receiving counseling when they are home from college from the Episcopalian priest who is going to marry them. Anna's mother is also a recent convert to Catholicism, but Anna grew up Episcopalian and Ben is an evangelcal mutt with some Episcopalian in his background too.]
Posted by: Cath Young | February 16, 2009 5:58 PM
So, I am pretty much a newly wed--3 years!--and we had nothing like this at pre-cana. I am embarrassed to say I didn't even think about it. Not because of anything other that there was so much going on that it was hard to stop and reflect on the whole situation. I have lots of friends getting married, and I am definitely going to pass these questions on to them. I think I also may email them to my own parents; it would be great to hear their imput, even now that my husband and I have started our journey.
Thanks!
Posted by: Anon | February 16, 2009 11:44 PM
Those are excellent questions! How mature and level-headed your son is! I know you must be so excited for his future.
Posted by: Angie | February 17, 2009 7:32 AM
