February 24, 2009 12:21 PM
Sharing the load - families and housework
Here's a strategy to bring out the best in every member of the family:
Four questions - to be asked about anything that needs to be done:
Can he do it himself?
Is your child able to dress himself? To clean his room? To clean up his
own place after breakfast? Then he should. This first question is
related to independence, and though it does not mean that you should be
rigid (it is okay and part of role modeling to help others), the rule
of thumb is this: If he can do it himself, let him.
Can someone younger do it?
In an amazing display of toddler-size service, when they were two and
three, Madeleine and Jonny began to take the cups and saucers out of
the dishwasher in the morning and put them away in the cabinets. Since
then, I've become more and more confident with delegating chores, as
long as we've taken the time to show the littlest ones how to do things
properly.
Now, all dishes except glasses are on the lowest kitchen shelves
next to the dishwasher. Justin, my four-year-old, loves to empty the
bottom rack of the dishwasher each morning while someone older and tall
enough to reach the glasses cabinet empties the top rack and
seven-year-old Daniel puts away the silverware. Actually, a younger
child could do these chores, but Justin and Daniel have Down syndrome
(since Jonny's and Madeleine's birth, we've adopted three little guys
with DS) and so are developmentally delayed.
There are chores even the smallest can do. Don't ask your
eight-year-old to bring a diaper for the baby if your three-year-old is
around. The younger child will relish the opportunity to serve, and the
older child is capable of more advanced assignments. For big cleanups
and small, work is distributed according to one principle: Delegate any
task to the youngest capable of doing it.
Can it be done differently?
You may have grown up with a mother who was so perfect she ironed your
jeans. Or maybe she didn't iron your jeans, and your friend's mother
did; and you wondered why your mother didn't. Anywhere along the line,
you may have picked up some ideas of perfection that just aren't adding
much to your life.
Early in my motherhood, I noticed that children have a tough time keeping clothes neatly folded in their drawers. For a while I was frustrated at the time I had wasted folding. Then it occurred to me that folding could be a much more informal affair than I had ever imagined.
So I changed my routine: Now as I empty the dryer, I fold big items in stacks, one per child (or sometimes one stack per group, as the boys tend to sharewear). The kids periodically come and get their stacks to put away in their rooms. In the meantime, the small items of clean laundry -- socks, underwear, napkins -- accumulate in the laundry basket until it threatens to overflow. Just before it does, I call all the children, turn on some music, and dump the clothes onto the carpet. They fold together until the basket is empty; then everyone puts everything away.
I use this chore as an example and share it in such detail to reveal how chores don't have to be done the way your mother did them or the way your neighbor does them; they can instead be tailored to your family, keeping your priorities in mind. With the laundry, my goal was to get a very large and very necessary job done without any unnecessary stress, while promoting the joy of serving together as a family.
My choice involved modifying my standards about how folded clothes should look. But it was a choice I made willingly. Since at the time I made this decision, nine of my children were under thirteen, most of them were not capable of folding to perfection. But, as I said, clothes in children's drawers never seem to stay folded for long. And I've noticed wrinkled T-shirts have a way of smoothing out when my boys put them on.
Keep in mind that modifying your standards is not always a sign of laziness, but sometimes of intelligent decision-making. When we lower our standards because circumstances defeat us or we feel weak, we don't feel good about the result. But when we evaluate the demands on our time, our children's capabilities, and our family's priorities, a decision to temporarily modify our standards in some area may actually be the most responsible path, which leads me to the last question concerning housework:
Does it need to be done at all?
There's really an awful lot you can let go.
Posted in Montessori, Mothering, Preschoolers, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
Great post! Excellent suggestions. Thank you. :)
Posted by: Hannah | February 24, 2009 12:56 PM
Thanks for the post! Great comments
Posted by: Renee | February 24, 2009 1:10 PM
It is so important to make sure they help. You never know when you will need them to know how to do all those things! A friend of mine has a saying for after dinner: No one sits down until we all sit down (to relax). Meaning, the parents aren't going to be slaving away cleaning up the kitchen, finishing up laundry, doing school lunches while the kids are in the den playing Wii. Just ain't gonna happen!
Posted by: suburbancorrespondent | February 24, 2009 3:24 PM
